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I’ve had my shower. Eating my dinner and getting ready to settle in for the night. This is when I miss her the most. Our best times, after things got crazy, were spent in bed. I don’t mean sex only, but little displays of affection by her. When she was half asleep she would tell me that she loved me. She would put her hands on me. She would pull me close. She wasn’t fully awake though. I miss her right now.

I guess that this is where I should sit with my feelings.

Hugs to you.  It's hard.  Maybe go for a walk or do something physical to take your mind off of things for a little while?  Or if you like to cook, maybe plan a nice meal for tomorrow... .something enjoyable to look forward to.

The nights are the worst for me, too.

Hang in there! I know how you feel. I miss his  comforting arms around me in bed so much, falling asleep with his scent all around me, feeling truly safe and loved. Our best moments, when things got worse, were spent like that as well. Maybe try to read a little in bed, or listen to an audiobook or a song that makes you feel good. It also helps when I exercise at night, because I fall asleep more easily, because the longer I stay awake in bed the harder it gets.

We can all ruminate on the best times with our exes, make ourselves yearn for those good times, and miss them. I used to tell my STBx when we were together even, "Why can't it be like old times like when you treated me so nicely and gave me the benefit of your doubts and couldn't wait to see me and couldn't get enough of me?"

She'd reply, "Because you <insert perceived slight>." I undermined her parenting; I'm looking up exes on FB; I saw how you looked at that waitress; you complained about not being able to see San Francisco when we were making all that love during your visits out West (which I was totally joking about at the time and she knew that, or so I thought)... .whatever she wanted to throw in there to dampen my spirits she would.

With all the arguing and drama the best times have faded from memory. I had to let go of the most perfect honeymoon I could have imagined, put one foot in front of the other, and move on.

Just let it suck, JNChell, because it does. If you need to shift your thoughts to something different and less painful, remember anything from all the conflicts or do something you enjoy that makes you happy. Take on a new hobby. I have recently started to do some home improvements, even some amateur electrical projects. It soothes me.

J

JNChell,

I'm curious... .

You say that "this is when I want to reach out."

How do you imagine that would go, if you did reach out?

J

Jeffree, I’d come away from it feeling like a pile of s**t.

Thanks for the kind words everyone. Just another moment of weakness.

Hello JNChell,

I really know how you feel. I often miss his smile, his scent, the times he said he needed me and missed me. Yet now I realize that these moments were the parts of an illusion he created and made me believe. This is a very hard thing to confront. I am in so much pain.
 I think we believed what we wanted to believe. It was real for us, of course. But sadly, their reality is different than ours.

When I look back, I realized that I believe in his words and took them so seriously. As I read BPD, I understand that it is their actions that matters.

We should be aware of the illusion and accept our feelings. We should stop focusing on "nice" details and see the big picture. Maybe what we really miss is not them, just our dreams... .

Jeffree, I’d come away from it feeling like a pile of s**t.


Yes. I'm sure you would, but humor me here. How do you think it would actually go?

You would reach out and say what?

Then she would reply with what?

J

I’d probably tell her that I love her and try to get some answers. If she chose to reply it’d be along the lines of me being insane, needing serious help, she doesn’t owe me anything, everything is my fault, etc. Then I would try to defend myself. Then she would threaten to withhold our Son from me. Then she would go silent and I’d be a wreck and in a panic over our Son. The same d**n cycle it has been. Pretty much like that. Wow!

It's so tempting to try and control the dialog isn't it? But there just isn't anyway to do it.

With a normal person, you could offer up something like, "You know, I've been missing you, thinking about the good times we had, and wishing we could start over." Or something like that.

And it could be received with empathy and possibly start a kind convo, and at least not be used as a bat to hit you over the head with that turns everything upside down.

It sounds as though your ex is already engaged in protecting herself from the abandonment feeling she lives with everyday of her life as inherent with BPDs. She is also likely in the mode where she doesn't let in any of the light you offer because that would only double the pain of letting you back in and having the fear of abandonment be even that much bigger.

Unfortunately, there is just no changing their minds. Their fear of abandonment is quite irrational, but try telling that to someone afraid of spiders or flying or whatever the phobia is.

J

Spot on! I never once made her see my point in an argument. If it was leaning heavily that way, she either ran or raged. They don’t fight fair.

That is exactly what I had to deal with, she could never see my point of view, I even said to her a few times regarding her ex always in the way, to imagine if the shoe was on the other foot, imagine I am putting my ex first how would she feel?
Her answer was that I don't have an ex on the seen so it won't happen so she didn't have to imagine it, she wouldn't discuss it. It like everything else ended with her raging and making me out to be the bad man and her storming off or telling me to eff off out of her house.
No adult discussion was possible, like you said run or rage.

You know, I just lurked on this site for about 2 months. I may slip in and out of denial for a while, but seeing the similarities in other’s experiences since I’ve been participating here has really given me a nudge towards getting passed the denial. I can feel it. It’s so odd. It’s scary to think about how I would’ve ended up if I’d had a really, really severe pwBPD. She was bad, but I don’t think I would’ve survived some of the ones I’ve read about on here. There are some very strong people here.

Re: This is when I want to reach out

Then reach out, but reading your posts, pretty much speaks for itself... .Your on the detaching board... .I have to asks, is this what u really want? ... .I remember reaching out, after I ruminated the r/s into something it wasnt... .only to have her show me, whom she really was... .AGAIN

I’d probably tell her that I love her and try to get some answers

Again, i have to ask... .what exactly of an outcome are you looking for? It really does make a difference... .You have been thru many recycles... .how many more, until you understand, and really believe... .It is, what it is... .I see u have a child involved... .i had 2 with pwBPD... .let the games begin, if you dont become proactive, in this area... .

If she chose to reply it’d be along the lines of me being insane, needing serious help, she doesn’t owe me anything, everything is my fault, etc. Then I would try to defend myself.

Yep, a dose of projection, with a little truth... .Classic BPD... .The hamster wheel of pain, rode it for 12 yrs, and the outcome ALWAYS the same... .Rage or her telling me, she hates arguing with me, b/c I make her feel stupid... .took a while, but I got to the point where I didnt feel the need, to defend myself

Then she would threaten to withhold our Son from me. Then she would go silent and I’d be a wreck and in a panic over our Son.

The reason you see this behaviour, time and time again... .Is b/c it works for her... .Puts u on the defensive, and she gets her way... .Much like a toddler does... .I hope u have a healthy r/s, with your son... .I wish u well PEACE

FindingMe2011, point taken and appreciated. Like I stated, I’m just chalking it up as a moment of weakness. I’m not going to reach out to her. When I feel a strong urge to do so, I come here now. I know there is nothing but pain and setbacks there. Thank you for the insight.

my ex was the love of my life. i spent nearly every day with her for three years. i missed her a lot. at the time, given how things ended, i thought missing her was a moment of weakness too.

my load got a lot lighter when i stopped fighting my feelings and trying to change them, trying to replace them with bad memories, whatever. i had someone tell me "maybe you dont miss her, you miss the companionship". nah. i missed her. it got easier when i just accepted it and dealt with those feelings.

it is natural and healthy to miss a loved one who is no longer in our lives.

Like I stated, I’m just chalking it up as a moment of weakness. I’m not going to reach out to her

With no arrangements in place, in regards to custody of your son... .Im thinking this would be impossible. If it truly is detachment u seek, getting parameters, in writing, could go a long ways. its an issue, you could have resolved... .leaving this to BPD, would only muddy the water... .Its not a moment of weakness... .its your path to growth... .not right or wrong, just is... .u will most likely experience, more growth moments... .BE KIND AND FORGIVING TO YOU, YOU DESERVE THIS

When I feel a strong urge to do so, I come here now. I know there is nothing but pain and setbacks there

Exercise, new hobbies, old hobbies, family, friends, eat healthy... .And for every moment you think of her... .give 2 moments to discovering your short comings... .I wish u well PEACE

Have you ever stopped to think that when people are depressed and really down that these things are impossible to do?
It's like someone telling you to give your head a shake and get over it.

FindingMe2011, thank you. I appreciate your intensity. I will take it into account. Please understand that I’m not you.

The custody or well being of my child is void of your opinion.

Hi JNChell,

OR makes a good point.  It is natural to miss her and despite all the circumstances which may cause you to feel that you shouldn't, it is OK.  We feel how we feel and it doesn't have to fit with our expectations of ourselves.  I think you're right in that this is a good time to sit with those feelings.  Allow them to be there and know that we don't have to act on them.  They will pass.  This is especially helpful when we have an impulse to do something because we're uncomfortable with the feelings we have.  It takes practise, and is well worth the effort.  When it becomes too difficult, take a break and then revisit. 

How long did the urge last, out of interest?  You may notice over time that it shortens bit by bit. 

Love and light x

I kind of agree. I've been so low at times that it was a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning. Months later, I still go to bed earlier than I ever have in my life. It's easy to say "do this," but quite another to actually do it. I went into a major depression over the loss of my relationship. In fact, I think I was entering it at the end of the relationship as I watched her unacceptable behavior escalate, realizing everything was ending.

HQ, very briefly. A little while. Half hour or so? I got the urge, so I typed here instead of to her.

It's good to have this awareness of what you are experiencing and what you need to do in order to be kind to yourself.  In this case, you decided to redirect that feeling and share with others instead of acting upon it and later regretting it, as you've described you would.  You stayed with the discomfort instead of trying to push it away and do something that your mind says would make it stop.  My counsellor calls this 'keeping yourself safe'.  By not following the impulse that the emotion creates, we're preventing further hurt from arising.  You got this JNChell  |iiii

Have you ever stopped to think that when people are depressed and really down that these things are impossible to do?
It's like someone telling you to give your head a shake and get over it.

Yes! Most definitely... .In fact, I was that person :)... .Fairly certain, I walked this Earth for a few decades, not understanding my depression, lack of boundaries (for myself and others), my childhood, and my own self defeating issues... .Probably one of the hardest things, a person could do, for themselves... .yet the most gratifying thing, one could do for themselves... .would never tell another to just shake his head and get over it... .just tell of my own experiences, and some things that helped me... .I wish u well, PEACE 

I kind of agree. I've been so low at times that it was a struggle just to get out of bed in the morning

Along with most on this site... .I could probably have been, a poster child for depression... .Walked around for decades, thinking the rest of the world, must feel this way also... .Hit lows, that put me in the fetal position, for days... .So dont be surprised, when I dont recommend to a depressed individual, to lay around, and feel sorry for themselves... .Many here have subconscious attraction to pain... .they dont like it, yet they know how to survive in it... .combatting it, is each ones choice... .How well does the laying in bed, work for you? I wish u well, PEACE

FindingMe2011, I can appreciate your drive to motivate others. Thank you for trying to motivate me. The thing is, it feels like your advice comes from a pragmatic and almost personal place. I’m sorry for being short and snippy with you. Being text, and sometimes not really understandable, I was being that way. Harsh judgements aren’t always the best approach. Everyone on here has felt that aggression. Some of us don’t need it right now. You described being so down that you were in the fetal position for days. I get it. You want to help. Don’t corner folks with aggressive advice. Yes, you know. You’ve been through it. I guess I’m trying to say, what worked for you may not work for others.

Harsh judgements aren’t always the best approach. Everyone on here has felt that aggression. Some of us don’t need it right now.

I judge no one... .and apologize if this is the way you interpret them... .Pragmatic?very much so... .but this is a result of wise mind... .a trait you seem to have, yet dont want to, listen to... .this is you, trying to tell you... .yet you seemed compelled, to allow BPD, to steer the r/s... .

FindingMe2011, thank you. I appreciate your intensity. I will take it into account. Please understand that I’m not you. 

Raw feelings, can put many on the defensive... .If what you perceive, is too intense. I respect this, and will avoid your threads... .Please understand... .I WAS YOU... .I wish u well PEACE

The custody or well being of my child is void of your opinion.

Than may I suggest, you shouldnt posts, or mention your son... .Maybe a little research on the effects of BPD, on children... .It may or may not, swing your opinion... .Its believed by many, that ones personality, is about 90% complete by the age of 7, with not a whole lot, of wiggle room... .I wish u well, PEACE

Findingme2011, I hope you won’t avoid me on here. I am “raw” in my feelings currently. It becomes difficult to try to take advice on sitting with my feelings and being patient, and being given advice from a pragmatic POV. Patience/Push-on-now. I’ve done research on the possibilities of how our Son may be affected by her. I’ve asked questions about it on here to try to gain some insight from those that have gone through it in real time. Stats that I’ve read have suggested that the brain is pretty hard wired by age 5. Not that that wiring can’t be redirected, but it takes therapy to do so. I didn’t mean to run you off. Maybe we’ll reconnect on another board during my progression. My ex and her ex husband avoided court with their child. I’m hoping the same can happen with our situation. Family court is notorious for devouring the Father. I’d rather not have to go there unless it becomes absolutely necessary.

Family court is notorious for devouring the Father.  

This will vary, from state to state... .Most whom see a pattern of 50/50, leading up to custody decision, will grant 50/50... .This is not possible for many men, for many different reasons... .I can only say it became a place of sanctuary, for my 2 girls... .And another blessing, as it also turned out, that I was a much better parent, out of the r/s, than i ever could have been, in it

I’d rather not have to go there unless it becomes absolutely necessary.

For me, after a few times of, prearranged exchanges not happening, changes in plans, ect, ect, SHE SHOWED ME HOW THIS WAS GOING TO BE... .it was just another weapon, for her to control me... .and it was going to be impossible, to truly detach, from this dysfunctional r/s... .I hope you dont have to go there, and her ACTIONS, will tell you what u need to know... .There really is an order, to the disorder... .

I didn’t mean to run you off. Maybe we’ll reconnect on another board during my progression.

Ive been here, off and on for 7 yrs... .Very instrumental in becoming, mentally healthier... .I took no offense, nor need an apology of any sort. This is about your recovery, not mine... .I spent many yrs, believing i was doing the right thing... .Only to understand, I was lying to myself, and enabling the behaviour, I grew to despise... .I was 50% of the problem... .I wish u well, PEACE