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So... .there was some exchange of email while I am out of town.  Basic "executive function" stuff about the household.

I mentioned in there that I missed snuggling with her.

She says that was sweet but she really missed me because of sex. 

She "just realized" that not enough sex makes her grouchy.  One of the teachers at school mentioned how another lady "chilled out" after she started dating someone (and "getting some" regularly).  That "set off a lightbulb" in my wife's head, she put two and two together and now knows why she "gets grouchy"

Note:  My P has described my wife's behavior as "hyper-sexual".

Ummm... .yeah... .can't make this stuff up.

Anyway... .she's now convinced that as long as "I keep up my end of the bargain... ." (yeah... I went there) she won't be grouchy anymore.

Do I laugh or cry... .?

Sigh...

FF

Lol, it sounds like the same ole, same ole:
She is trying to drop responsibility in your lap for her emotional regulation difficulties. 

As much as I truely hate to admit this I am going to... .
I do find that as a person with a current disorganized attachment system (hopefully I can move towards more secure) that I tend to have some similarities with your wife... .or I feel I do relate to some of her thinking but maybe on a way lesser scale.

So... .
In my trauma therapy I am learning to listen to when I encounter “old scripts.”
Currently I am in a relationship with a guy who is pretty darn healthy thus far.  I am noticing that as I encounter him behaving well... .I am replaying old scripts in my head.  My T says this relationship is good for this and to expect that I will be learning new ways to experience things.

Ok... .
So very bluntly, in regards to “old scripts”... .
I realize that I do expect a certain amount of objectification from the male I am in a relationship with. (I don’t “mean” to, it is just wired in me) When I do not get it, I feel “off.” (I feel emotionally like I am missing something I expected)

So, I spent the night at his house last night, as we do several times a week.  Last night we had a great time, went bowling, shopping, etc.  When we got to his place, we got ready for bed, snuggled, fell asleep.  So by the time the sun was rising, I thought for sure I could get him to be more sexual, since nothing happened last night, he must get easily innthe mood this am, right?  I gave some... .modest efforts... .  and he was more tender and affectionate than sexual.  I was somewhat disappointed.

Ok, so here is where I know my thinking is off as I did notice that I had thoughts go through my head of... .
“being less desirable” “feeling rejected” etc
My head wanted to make meaning out of this.
My false belief here is:  Men always want sex and if they do not, something must be “wrong.” (It makes me feel the relationship and my sense of securiy is slightly destabilized)
Another false belief: If I do not ensure my man is sexually satisfied, I loose my value.

Soo... .
I was able to see those thoughts for what they are.  I was able to reassure myself to not attach any false narratives to his lack of responding to my efforts.

Yet... .
I cannot imagine if I had BPD and less ability to see these thoughts and feelings for what they are: false beliefs
NOT facts!

What I am saying is that I do not find it so odd that your wife easily wants to objectify lovemaking and feels valued this way.  I have been a member of a trauma group and this is a common theme.  Many folks who have been taught that their value and worth is tied into their ability to be seen as sexually desirable... .do tend to mix up expressions of love and sex and find it tricky to admit that they are seeking intimacy.  It can feel less vulnerable to admit one wants sex than to admit one wants intimacy.  Also, she likely is terrified of what she really wants and how to express that, maybe, maybe not, idk.  But it is more risk free to seem interested in sex... .than connecting and opening hearts together.

Idk, hopefully not TMI.

I end up in this place a lot.  Usually we end up having sex as she keeps pushing and (I'm not suggesting I don't like it... ) but there are many times I would be wonderfully fine with closeness, affection and perhaps taking a day or two for the sex to happen.

If I went back in time... certainly 10 years... .that strapping Naval Aviator would have made fun of me... .

Oh... yeah... .I see that she is handing me responsibility for her moods... .

I will tell you that P has encouraged me to be pragmatic.  Morning snuggles do help calm my wife.  I used to be more  interested in "me time" with a warm cup of coffee and let my wife sleep. 

However... when comparing "me time" to a more calm wife, I've chosen a calm wife. That it works can't be denied...

Perhaps "works to some extent" is more accurate.

FF

FF, I totally get where you are at, but I would bet there are men on these boards who would wish their wives were like yours.  :)

If there is any benefit to menopause/manopause it is that intimacy get less hormone driven and more emotionally driven for both people. So who knows, maybe your wife will  slow down some  *)

I'll take another angle on this. Is there any possibility that your wife was sexually abused as a child? I've known a couple of very hyper-sexual women who were. It became part of their identity at a very early age. And it also served them well as a strategy to manipulate men as adults.

One woman in particular, was sort of a "one trick pony" in that the only way she knew how to relate to men was sexual. She was completely at a loss if she had to make conversation or be social in a non-sexual way.

Not that I know of.

I would also say that P and other mental health professionals have mentioned this as a possibility, saying same thing... .that many people that end up "hyper-sexual" after some sort of abuse in their past.

I will say that I've heard lots of weird stuff from her FOO... .but never anything about kids getting messed with.

So... .I don't know.

FF