BPDFamily.com

My SO and I got into a fight a few days ago.  They were mad at me for saying something they perceived as a criticism (it wasn't, it was just me carrying on a conversation) and laid into me for what I said.  I defended myself and said in all honesty that my comment meant nothing and I didn't understand why they were angry.  They laid into me more and I shut down.   It progressed throughout the day and when I tried to make up, they gave me a list of other things I do wrong, how I'm nothing but mean and don't care about them. 

None of this is true, but in my head I bit my tongue and shut down my processing of what they were saying. 

In my head I want to open up and say "here's why I feel angry sometimes.  Here's why I feel sad.  Here's why I get frustrated."   Explain my point of view and tell them the things that bother me.   I get to hear the list, shouldn't they?   Not out of spite, and not with "you hate me and here's the reasons why", but "here are the things that bother me".   

In movies and TV, I'd open up and share and they'd open up and share, and we would both feel a little angry, a little sad, and a little angry and sad with ourselves at our new understanding.  Then we'd make up. 

Does that happen in normal relationships?  I feel like it did when I was a kid.  It didn't mean everything was perfect, but it meant that we could move past it.    Is it wrong to expect to be able to open up and share what's bugging you in a relationship without knowing that you're going to be hit back harder with all of the things you do, even if some have to be made up or dredged up from years ago?   

Yes, that happens in normal relationships. Don't expect it from someone who has BPD. Once in a blue moon it will happen, but don't count on it happening again anytime soon.

If I start sharing minor things that my husband does that annoy me: leaving lights on when he exits a room, leaving his clothes in the dryer for days, not wiping off the cutting board after using it, etc. Minor stuff. If I just mention one of these things in a way I could with a non, without taking consideration of his BPD, then what I'll hear is: "YOU HATE ME!" No kidding.

I've since learned ways to very gently bring up an issue now and then that doesn't trigger such a response, but pwBPD have such a negative internal image and so much shame, talking with them like you'd talk with a psychologically healthy person just won't work.