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My therapist has told me that the loss of my former friend, who seemed to have BPD, is something that I need to grieve. I've realized, however, that I don't really know how to grieve in this situation. When I've lost friends and family members to death, there are a lot of mourning rituals, both formal and informal, that have proved helpful, but none seem to help in this kind of situation, when the person is still alive but has caused a lot of pain and can no longer be part of my life.

I'd be interested in gleaning the insight of others about this topic.

-Aidan

Hi Aidan,
Grieving the loss of this relationship has been more complicated than I would have imagined.
I grieved not in any linear fashion, but more like in stages or phases.
My grief was over many things.
I grieved for the loss of being a couple, the loss of my step daughter, his culture, his family and friends, our dreams together, my hooes for our family, etc

So for example, as I was grieving the loss of us ever doing road trips again as a family... .I would fall into an emotional abyss of my grief, meet it, spend time with it and see what comforting words I had to share with myself.  I would feel comforted somewhat, then feel a sense of stabilization, then for some reason, that would last temporarily until I discovered I needed to grieve over the fact that school was starting and I would not be helping step daughter pick classes and school supplies.  And the process seemed to repeat itself over and over for that year.

What was most helpful was... .
Sticking with routines
Getting movement even if I didn’t want it like going for a walk
Spending time with friends just hanging. (Rehashing to friends can help for a little while, but can also serve to keep one overly connected to the pain if too much)

I found that coping with my sadness was best delt with by being kind to myself.  Spending some time listening to my pain.  A member or more here had suggested “leaning into the pain.” I had no idea what that meant exactly but was determined to try it out one weekend and did, with amazing results.  I was taken into the depths of my pain, watched it, listened to myself... .and then comforted myself letting myself know that I was ok, and it is ok to grieve, and feel pain.

Finding ways to communicate kindness to myself were helpful, such as... .
Baths
Skin care, nail care
Exercise
Yoga
Music
A healthy meal treat
A special outing on my own
Etc.

Sometimes I have trouble allowing myself to grieve and get in touch with uncomfortable feelings.  These times it helps me to watch a movie and feel compassion for the characters on the show.  I can feel their pain which may lead me to my own.

thanks Aidan for posing this question and Sunflower for the great tips! This is so comforting!

My friend suggested a funeral. It helped. We burned pictures and mementos in the fire pit he and I built/spent so much of our relationship around. I shared happy memories and told our story much like a eulogy. I honoured the good memories and grieved the loss of what could have been. It was a celebration and a recognition of a deep loss. Then we ate and drank and laughed and I wasn't alone. My friend didn't entirely understand my experience but she honoured my journey as best she could. I am very grateful. It didn't solve everything but it did help.


Oh a week later she handed me a box and waltzed me through my house to gather all the "things" associated with him. I couldn't quite hand them over for disposal but she did manage to convince me to put them out in the garage. As more things turned up they migrated to the box. Its still there and now I am less attached to it. Many objects have been dispersed to charity or other people who would enjoy them. Baby steps toward excising him from my home.

Other random suggestions... .

I have re-arranged furniture, painted, burned sage, taken up a new hobby, journaled ( I HATE JOURNALLING!), written him letters longhand (never to be sent), watched sad movies and sobbed, scheduled time for crying, raging, writing, running (ok less for running), forced myself to sit quietly, forced myself to sit with new  people and forced myself to let him go.

There is no one way. There is no one solution. Just keep chipping away at it.

My dear friend died of a rapidly invasive brain tumour about a year after my relationship ended. I grieved with his wife and in truth that helped. We commiserated and healed together. The journeys were totally different but the lack of judgement helped.

Hugs hoep some of these ideas spark your own and help a bit

My grieving process happened while I was still in contact with the actual person. I realized the person I thought he was didn’t exist and it was more painful than losing contact with the actual person. It felt like I was losing my religion. I realized I’m alone. It’s almost like there were two separate relationships to grieve. And I think I grieved them both.