BPDFamily.com

I have found through living and learning that my subconscious mind was deeply ingrained with the exact opposite of actual reality; through the combination of idealization turning to devaluation because of the saddest part of the disorder (the closer you get the more you are pushed away) and PWBPD's psychological defences I have struggled with knowing what reality has proven consciously but subconsciously I still am affected from the irrational and senseless that is a BPD relationship. Our entire self worth becomes dependant on what our PWBPD thinks and whether they want to be with us or not.
I believe the key to never going through it again is self worth, the people with the most self worth view idealization as weird, clingy, not normal and move on. It takes what it takes for our conscious minds to help our subconscious minds get back to normal.

It sounds like it does make sense then,  the senseless feeling while in the r/s.

I believe the key to never going through it again is self worth, the people with the most self worth view idealization as weird, clingy, not normal and move on.

That would help with the most obvious cases, but I am convinced that BPD's are masters at adjusting their personalities to fit the situation early on. Once they have us ensnared, then they start to overplay their hand to see just how much they can get away with.

I think that self worth can shorten the length of time we invest with BPDs, if not entirely help us avoid them.

J

I agree.

I was very clingy and enmeshed during our pre-marriage and early marriage days. I very much tied my self-esteem into his approval. I was shocked the first time he said that I wasn't committed to the relationship and wasn't fully open with him. Really? What does that mean when you do everything together, have shared and shared everything from the past, and have few outside friends and commitments other than work? That was a constant criticism in our marriage. I knew it was wrong, but didn't speak up. Over time that became "if you don't shape up, I'm going to find another woman." He said that he couldn't get my attention any other way and didn't mean it.

Now I know that in many ways, it was the BPD/NPD. He didn't want me to be a separate individual and wanted me unreasonably unmeshed. And I bought it for a time, but not now. My self-esteem is tied to who I am, not what he wanted me to be.

The therapist we've both seen off-and-on for over a decade says that he likely will indeed find another woman in 2018. He needs supply, and attempting to torment via email isn't going to provide enough. I did set a boundary for myself that I won't discuss marriage issues any more, and that dropped it off although there was a recent flare. Back to business again though.

Yep!

Adjusting their personalities to fit the situation early on is mirroring: they try to be just like their attachment to gain a sense of self, become one to feel comfortable based from their never getting through abandonment depression successfully as a young child, and give them their best chance at avoiding their greatest fear of abandonment.
Once "ensnared" they experience fear of engulfment and their psychological defences take over to protect them from the shame they have so deep down at their core that they avoid ever feeling at all costs.

After the break up when I researched mirroring, I failed to remember if she did that to me early in the relationship, but I did notice the mirroring with her new partner, she had mirrored his immature and obnoxious personality, using the same phrases and superficial charm. The last time we spoke I noticed it in her text messages before I went no contact. She also smokes cigars now like he does and became a social barfly like him. Before I blocked them both on social media I could tell the mirroring that was going on when they interacted with each other on their Facebooks, but he seems to be a hardcore Narcissist so it may have been mirroring on his part as well. You are right about the attachment to gain a sense of self. She seems to be doing what he wants to do. Which again is strange because when we started dating, I never noticed it, I remember us doing things that her and I both wanted to do. I can't recall any specific type of mirroring. When we dated she gave me the impression she never liked going to bars, or doing any heavy drinking. We always went to upper class eateries, and enjoyed spending quality time together. It seems everything she told me she liked about socializing and what she liked in men is the exact opposite of what she is doing now. I did read somewhere that as they progress from relationship to relationship, without healing or settling the hurt and anger from each break up, their BPD traits tend to become more extreme, so maybe with this type of partner, she feels she has to take the mirroring and the idealization to the extreme. We did not discuss our romantic feelings for each other until 2-3 months into the relationship. I did not get to know her daughter until well into those few months. No over night visits with the daughter until 6 months I think. We did not officially enter into a relationship I think until the 3rd or 4th month. But with this new partner, within a month, they declared their love for each other on Facebook, he was already around the daughter, spending the night, I think they are now living together after 3 months of dating. And the mirroring is to the extreme, so maybe the BPD symptoms could have gone in hyperdrive due to the new partners personality maybe. Or she is so determined to move on from the break up that her BPD has gone in hyperdrive to erase the hurt and abandonment she feels. She also labeled me a stalker and had the guy harass me on social media, painted me black in the worst way. The last time she left for another partner it was not this extreme, but as they say the BPD only gets worse after each break up.