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Oh to listen or not to listen, that is the question...

Would you? The victim advocate did say he gave a statement after mine was read. So I’m morbidly curious. And yet I’ve put together some fragile healing - will listening reopen those wounds too early?

Genuinely curious what you all think... .

Lala,

I know you asked for opinions, but I want to first say that there is no right answer, and whatever ends up feeling right to you to do, we're totally behind you.

That said, my immediate thought is not to listen to it.  My priority would be on healing, and it seems unlikely there will be anything in it that makes you feel better.  I have been surprised at how easily triggers can set back my healing.  If there's important work that needs to be done or better healing in the end, risking being triggered can be worth it, but my guess is in this case it's not worth it.

Here's one way to look at it. The reason to give you the recording is to keep the system honest and to respect your rights as a survivor.  By simply receiving that recording, before you've even listened to it, you've done a powerful and important thing as part of that process.  The system has been accountable to you and you have exercised your rights.  Listening to the recording may not improve much over what you've already accomplished just by receiving the recording.

If your morbid curiousity still is pressing, one thing you could do is have a friend listen to the recording, and ask if they think you'll feel better or be helped in your healing if you listen to it.

You also could ask the victim advocate for a written copy of his statement.  It could be tough to read, but also might be good to hear someone speaking up for you.  And you wouldn't have to worry about the burden of listening to the rest of the proceeding.



WW

Hi Lala,

It's been a long time since I've replied to one of your posts I think, but I have not forgotten you! Just to quickly echo WW I would have someone else listen... .It will help dampen your curiosity and it will protect you from feeling things that are so painful... .

I can barely open emails sometimes as they make me so nervous! I'd go with my gut... .if I felt I could face it I would, if I needed to borrow another person's ear as a safety barrier I'd take it.

wishing you peace, pearl.

Hi Lala,

I don't envy you for having this to decide upon.    I'm in agreement with WW and pearls in that my first instinct would be to get someone else to listen to it for me and then tell me if I ought to hear it or not.  I'd choose someone who is a close friend, knows where I'm at and what I've been through. 

In my honest view, if I were to hear my ex making a statement about the violence from his perspective, I can't see that doing me any good and I feel I've come a long way since that time.  It would dredge up so much that I've worked to put behind me. 

However Lala, we're all different.  You must do what feels right to you.  Weigh up what the cost/benefit would be in listening.  How are you feeling right now?  In your shoes I'd be curious yet anxious.  What emotions do you think this might stir up for you? 

Love and light x

Hey Lala, how are things going?

Wondering what you decided, if anything, about the CD. Also wondering how things are going in general.

Hope you can give us an update when you have a chance.

~DB

If you haven't already listed to it, may I offer a suggestion?

Have a friend listen to it first. Have them tell you whether he was contrite or not.

If he was, go ahead and listen to it. Part of the healing and forgiveness process.

If he was not, don't listen to it. He didn't learn, seemingly never will, and it won't do you any good to hear what he had to say. You know the truth about him and won't learn anything new from listening to it.

Good Luck,
DH