BPDFamily.com

Teens are tough for most parents. This is new to me but it all makes sense now. I have read many BPD articles and tried (and not been successful) many strategies. Hopefully things will improve. It seems my BPF teen has a girlfriend with similar traits. I am exhausted.

Hi Beachtime 

Exhausting? Yes yes yes!

I’ve never known anything like it. My DS is now 27 and relatively stable, also progressing with independence. His teenager years were crazy! I so wish I’d found this forum then. Learning about BPD and practising more effective ways of communicating helped us immensely. There’s parents here with teenage daughters that are going through very similar problems to yourself - yet we each have our own unique situation. We learn from each other too.

I’m glad you found us. If you have yet, I encourage you to check out the top right hand side of this page. There’s a bunch of information that’ll help you.

What’s going on at the mo?

LP

Hi LP,

Thank you for your response. I have been reading a lot of the information here and I wish I had found this site earlier. My son is 18 and having a tough time figuring out how to handle frustration, stress, and anger and I usually get the brunt of his anger. This makes me feel so sad it is hard to put into words. Today is not as bad. I am learning a lot though. I want to try simple responses like "Stop. Don't talk to me like that." and then calmly walk away. His emotions get very extreme then suddenly he can act like he is fine like nothing happened and I am left feeling pretty hurt and devastated which is hard for me to shake. Today is calmer. I am sort of tiptoeing around but I need peace today. When he is hanging out with his girlfriend, who I am strongly suspecting has some sort of PD also, he seems so much worse and really takes his anger out verbally on his family. He thinks she is perfect and they sort of enable each other. It is crazy. But today is a bit better. He did not hang out with her today which helps. There is so much to learn.

Beachtime

Hi beachtime

I’m glad you’ve started to explore using shorter statements. My DS can’t take in more than one short simple thing especially if he’s stressed. His head floods with thoughts and emotions and keeping it simple really helps us.

It sounds like a tricky situation with the gf. I tend to just ride out the relationships the best I can as eventually they end. I had to learn to stay away from his dramas. That was incredibly difficult for me at first. Now it’s wonderful!

I know what you mean about the tiptoeing. I call it my dance around. Some call it Eggshells. I used to enable to avoid the conflict - in the long run it came to bite me in the backside. I’ve better boundaries and this I find is my greatest challenge but I get there.

Be gentle with yourself beachtime. There’s much to learn but it doesn’t need to be all at once. Although I remember being in a reading frenzy myself. It takes time to digest and then put some of that learning into practice.

I’m not sure if this helps you and our situations are quite unique. While I was reading and learning I changed the environment in my home. I didn’t talk about anything serious, I stopped asking questions, I didn’t talk about any problems. Like a holiday I’d potter in the kitchen and talk only of the weather and silly things. I put a smile on my face and lightened up the atmosphere - that wasn’t easy! I found that my son is so super tuned to atmosphere that this is an important aspect of his mood. Calm, happy and lovingly supportive - it takes a while to get there but it can be done. I am happy despite the problems.

Take care of yourself beachtime. I’m glad your day is better.  Give us a shout if you’ve any questions. Vent if you need to - it’s safe here as everybody understands.

How long has your son been with his gf?

LP

Hi LP,
I appreciate your reply. I like the idea of asking no questions and keeping the atmosphere cheery and neutral. It is hard though. Yesterday was calm. Today was not good. I never know what will set him off.  Something as simple as "how was your day?" when I picked him up today from an after school activity set him off. During the ride home I had to endure insults, swearing, slamming things in the car. I almost asked him to get out and walk but he turns everything around and blames anyone who tries to make him accountable. Sometimes I feel scared of him. Mostly only his family gets this abusive treatment and he can put on a nice act for others. It is crazy. I am still feeling shaken up. We had almost two ok days. He actually asked for a ride hours later and refused to talk about what happened earlier. I did not give him a ride. Now he is mad again. I am so tired.
Beachtime