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After 3 weeks of melt downs and emotional roll a coasters yesterday I experienced great relief. To help my sanity and exhaustion I hired a housekeeper, she started yesterday. After working 8 hours I came home to a clean house, dishes done, laundry done. It's so hard to describe the feeling of relief, like a weight lifted off my back. Such a treat to not have to spend at least an hour of cleaning before I start dinner. Then came the small moment of joy, my daughter had actually made dinner, without making a mess. I don't mean to trivialize the joy by saying small, maybe I should say brief. Only because I know my daughter well enough to know that these moments are BRIEF! They are rare far and few between moments. After 3weeks of chaos it was like finding an oasis. I have to share this with all who will read it. All you other parents who continue on day after day looking for some hope. These small moments are the nuggets that keep me going. They let me know that somewhere within my daughter is the person she can be. I also know her cycle, she will put a few days of effort into being present, then the effort will become to painful for her and she will retreat back into her self loathing and insecurities.
    This is such a sad and heart breaking cycle to watch; I just want to hold her and love on her, tell the world can be managed and that I will be help to her along the way. For now today and however many days to come, I will take these small moments and keep hoping there will be more. 

I'm smiling as I read your post, Bluek9!

Looking after yourself is a #1 priority... .and you are doing that.  What follows is more energy to deal with whatever else life throws at you.  Any change in your attitude will be felt by your daughter and, hopefully, "good things" will continue to happen.

Stick with us.  Happy for you!

Huat

Thank you, bluek9, for posting about this - a good day for you!  You have given hope to others with this post, and also displayed the importance of living in the moment and experiencing those glimpses of joy when they present themselves.  In this case, you helped create the environment, as Huat pointed out, by practicing self-care.  Perhaps the relief and calm you felt by helping yourself by hiring help trickled down to your daughter.  How lovely that she put forth this kind effort.

Thank you for sharing, bluek9.  We all need to grab onto these good moments, learn from them and go from there... .

  MomMae

Thank you both Huat and MomMae, reading your posts was a great encouragement for me. It's always nice to hear that doing self care is not selfish. I don't want to be super mom, I just want life to be something that is enjoyed and cherished so that shows to others around me (like my daughter).
    I do keep pondering a question one that has been with me for years. When helping someone with BPD to reach small achievable, and to help build their self esteem we come across these moments (my nuggets of joy); why does it seem so impossible for the BPD to hold onto those moments for themselves? I know my daughter is happy with herself when she participates in life, but it just seems to slip from her fingers. Maybe that will never change, it makes very sad to see the ravages of this disorder; I keep hoping for both of us.

Yes, you are so right, bluek9.  My BPD dd21 is the same, seemingly unable to hold tight to the good things that happen to her.  I do think that it is something that she will struggle with her entire life as she has been this way since she was a little girl.  Yes, she feels joy, but it seems to be so fleeting and easily forgotten.  I think that is where CBT and DBT come in and need to be repeatedly reinforced and practiced.  I am thankful my daughter has finally started DBT after almost two years of waiting and seems to be "buying in", something she wasn't ready to do previously.