BPDFamily.com

I sent a short email.

"Thanks for reaching out. How would you like to proceed. Let's make this easy. You can serve me if you like"

She said she paid a lawyer and I will be served. Absolutely nothing divided either way. Just divorce.

Next day she called from a different number and told me she never cheated on me etc.  hahah

Then I got  a text at 6 am asking if I told her sister anything.

Split from: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318880.0

 
Take care of yourself.  Be deliberate about doing things that are extra kind... .for YOU.

FF

Do you believe that? I learned with my ex not to trust anything she told me until I saw hard proof.

People with BPD experience intense emotional roller coasters. She will send different things depending on her mood, like she did during the 12 hours.

She will be up and down throughout the process.

It's healthiest if you stay grounded.

No point getting on the roller coaster with her at this point. It will only tell her how far she can go next time, how much you can take.

She's looking for your boundary.

You could ask her lawyer's name so you could go in and pick up the papers there thereby avoiding the process server's fee.  An advantage to this is that you have a pathway to the lawyer.  If I understand the laws correctly, if you don't have a lawyer hired yet then you are able to communicate directly with the lawyer.  You ought to get better communication with a lawyer.


This is her emotional Denial and perhaps typical Blame Shifting too.  As you know, it's a legal non-issue, a diversion.


Again, responding to this can enable her to get distracted from the priority now, a simple non-blaming divorce.  (Besides, why isn't she asking her sister?)

Yes I agree. No reason to text me 7 am on Sunday to ask if I talked to her sister. 

She called again and wanted to talk to me.

Was a combination of her saying how intelligent I am. How she loved taking to me.  Etc. mixed with how she "didn't cheat", along with how she is broken, doesn't know how to change, is just trying to "be ok", and I gave  her only stability she ever had.  How she still loves me and loved me so much.

But of course still, no culpability.  She says "I did say I want a divorce" , so in her mind she didn't cheat. And she met the guy the day we had a phone argument in the am. So basically my fault she cheated. 

So... .there is a thought which is sometimes expressed on these boards that goes something like this... ."When people tell you what they will or won't do... .or are or are not able to do... .believe them"

I hope you can work this into how you view this relationship.

In this last phone call was there any talk whatsoever of how to move the divorce process forward?


FF

Yes.  My therapist also told me.

"Look.  It's not you.  You can be exactly what she wants.  And give her the life she wants.  But that will and can totally change the next day"

Which she agreed with. She said she is broken. It's not my fault. She is just a runner and can't fix it.

No talk of divorce again in that conversation. But the previous day she said I am being served.

Culpability takes a tremendous amount of emotional maturity and strength. She would need to have a strong sense of self and have a high degree of self awareness, neither of which are hallmarks of BPD.

Her actions and words aren't matching here.

Yours seem a bit out of sync too.

Not doing anything is doing something  

What do you want to happen next?

Are you open to reconciliation? Sounds like it.

We been through this before, minus the cheating. (That I knew if)

The tempting part is that if I was in front of her for 10 minutes, at this point, or in the future, she would be obsessed again. And start the whole "recycle"

But I know that it isn't real and wouldn't last. 

I do feel better that she atleast, in her own way, admitted she was wrong. Instead of just vanishing.

When I am served I do want to sign and want a divorce. I wouldn't take her back as tempting as it would be.

I don't understand this part. A nofault, no property divorce would cost $100 plus fees. You sign the papers and wait a few months and get a postcard that says "your're divorced".

The process you are talking about will cost far more just to get served and enter a response to the court that you are present.

Why go the long way to this? Why put it in her handso control?

If you want a divorce then do it. As Ive said before its better to be able to control the process rather than leave it up to your wife who will chop and change what she wants. One day she wont want to, the next she will, the next you will be the anti Christ and she will want to destroy you. Her demands will change from day to day and no matter how fair you and the court think your being she wont.

By waiting for her to make the first move I wonder if your still torn between divorce and reconciliation. I ask this as I was myself.

Skip... .  we are talking about someone impulsive. For her to take a 5 day vacation in Florida with her kids she decided she needed a mansion on the beach last minute for nights, and a beach house a mile away a bit closer to the beach for days.

She won't fill out papers.  She will spend 6000 on face  cream at the airport. She doesn't care about the money to pay an attorney or serve me.

Last week she said she was gone... .  then she says she wasn't gone and said she paid an attorney to serve me... .

Statements and promises are words.  You have no assurance whether they're true actions or not, perhaps not until much later, perhaps never.

If you want a simple no frills divorce then most likely it is up to you to step up to the plate and do it.  Expecting her to be helpful and reliable is like... .A truism... .The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results.

Actually, insanity evidently is not the right word — but you know what we mean, right?  I found a link to a 2009 article in Psychology Today (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/in-therapy/200907/the-definition-insanity-is) where Ryan Howes wrote, "I hear this every week, sometimes twice a day: "The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results." No, it isn't. ... .The catchy saying has gathered steam in the past few years, and regardless of the source, it's gotten a lot of mileage. ... .Perseverance is a strong, valuable quality. Perseveration is a troubling issue needing clinical attention. Don't let a quaint saying blur this distinction."  No wonder so many use 'insanity', the alternative is a virtually unknown word.

Not sure what that means... .step up to the plate and do it... .specifically.

Friday she said she filed and I will be served.  Today is Tuesday. 

Should I go file and have a private investigator and process server find her? Tomorrow?

Call her to hang out and file papers together when she already said I will be served?

I am not in some major major hurry. We were together last month. It hasn't been years.

It's not a happy time, Husband321. Hang in there.

Dear Husband321-

I'm sorry that you're going through this sadness, and I do understand that it hasn't been years.  I believe we all understand that.

I have been married one time.  I NEVER thought I would file for dissolution of my marriage.  We had been married for 19 years and in the last few months, there had been some rather odd behaviors that surfaced.  I thought maybe a short separation would be appropriate.  When I brought it up, he threw me across the room and into the wall.  I filed the papers before my bruises faded.  

My point is... .when my husband laid his hateful hands on me, he betrayed EVERYTHING I ever trusted about my marriage.  There was no turning back.  Yet a week earlier we had made love; but two days earlier he had said if I didn't  "get out soon", he would start bringing women into my home.  And I had previously forgiven an affair, lies, deceit, etc.   I still never thought he would get violent toward me.  That never even entered my mind.

Sometimes we need to look at how we define marriage... .what our expectations are, and what we're willing to accept.  It saddens me, as the 7th anniversary of that night approaches, that I never understood how emotionally abused I was for 19 years.  Most days, I still cannot face it.

So perhaps now is a time for you to be still with your thoughts.  Become unafraid to take YOUR next steps.  Most likely in your heart of hearts, you know what is best in order to begin your healing.  This IS within your control.

And we'll support you along the way.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

When I wrote that I meant that she had said she had filed yet I could tell you weren't really sure whether she had actually filed.  You can't rely on her words (whether threats or promises) as facts, only her actions.  So I was writing that if you want a divorce you'll have to be the one to make sure it happens.  Maybe she filed, maybe she didn't.  If she really has filed, then you can't file, there can only be one case on file as I understand the system.

Why not look at your county's domestic court web site?  Generally they will at least let you search your name or her name to see whether there are actions on file or pending.  Let us know what you find there.

If she hasn't filed and you choose to file with the court first, then you get to serve her.  You can serve the simple papers and not worry whether she would choose to use the simpler filing.  The wonder/relief of it is that you choose the simple method and you won't have to wait on her.

From her perspective, there have been no real marital ramifications to disappearing/cheating.

She would go away, then come back. It was working for her.

Now a door appears to be closing and she's unsure if this is real.

It's a hard place for you because if you open that door, it tells her she can push to the same place next time and things will work out.

If you are serious that this door is closed, your actions have to match.

She is probably not serious about serving you because she's testing this new boundary. Doors are usually open for her, why would she want to shut this one?

The only legal reason to file quickly is if there are risks to being married that could negatively affect you. Meaning the usual worse-case scenario situations, like she causes a car accident and gets sued.

You could consult with a lawyer for a couple hundred bucks just to be sure you know what's at risk.

If you do nothing, there is a good chance she interprets that to mean the door is still open.

If you don't want to go down that path, it's probably worth the money and effort to serve her and begin the healing process, and take care of yourself that way.

It's hard. There are psychological and emotional aspects to divorce that go along with the contractual parts, making things that much harder.

Well I just found out from her ex husband (she talked to her daughter), that the guy she left me for was being "mean" and she moved across the country.

Wow. That says it all. It's time to let go.

Sorry Husband321, I know that hurts.

In a way I am glad it didn't work with the new guy. Of course.

I feel pretty good.

But I know she isn't done.  She is thinking of a way to come back.

That's what she does. Run to another state, blow a bunch of money, then try to return.

So you can maybe see how confusing my life has been with her in it.

Just in the past month... .in love with me... .cheating... .start a new family... .saying she is gone... saying she isn't gone and remarrying. Then moving to another state

It's not confusing at all. As you say, it's predictable. You expect her back. You know it will happen again.

If you decide to give it another try, please post here on the Rebuilding Board. Learn the tools. Get help with conflicts.

Blow a bunch of whose money?  If she's independently wealthy or on her cards, then it's her money, hopefully her debt.  If it is your money, your accounts or court would consider it marital debts, then beware, protect yourself financially.

Yes. It is all her money.

Not sure if this is a typical BPD trait or not, but sadly I don't see how it could ever work.

She fundamentally changes what she wants daily and weekly. In all ways. And just seemingly becomes bored.

From the outside life could not be better. Financially, sexually, always great company when together, etc.

But one week she might be happy to be a wife.  Then it is constraining. She wanted dogs. Then gave them away. Wanted kids. Then didn't. Loved our house.  Then hates it. Loved the state we live in.  Then hates it. Wants to start a business. Then doesn't.  Wants to go to school. Then doesn't.

As my therapist said "look.  You could give her exactly what she wants. And be the exact man she wants.  But then it will be the opposite in a week. So there is not much you can do"

Can I ask why you aren't getting divorced?

I think we covered this before -- but with a 1 year marriage and no kids, a divorce should be quick with a mild financial hit.

Her patterns suggests that you might have a rebound relationship with her ... .or several ... .for as long as you want to engage in that. But there's no reason you have to be married to have this relationship, and if you stay married, the financial and legal entanglement will just grow and grow. I'd consider divorce to be sound financial planning with minimal impact on the romantic side of your relationship.

An important... and pragmatic step.

FF

That's what you do. That is the most important point here.

How many cycles have you two be through?

With these BPD relationships, pragmatism has it's place.


Is it wise to evaluate her next cycle of coming back to you (which sounds like it will happen), from the point of view of a "post-nuptial"  agreement, versus a divorce?

Most likely this cycle will continue.  

Flourdust makes an important point about financial planning for YOU.  That planning can happen in a number of ways.  :)efining your financial compensation and/or limit of liability for sticking around the marriage would seem to be a wise thing (at least to me).  

Plus... .I'm assuming there is sex during recycles.  Which means there is potential for pregnancies/children.

All things to think through before the next "tide flows in".

How long do you think it takes before she tries to come back?

FF

Dear Husband-

It's all painful and confusing... .and everyone has raised great and thoughtful  points.  Most recently, FF... .pregnancy.

For a bit you've been left to guess her whereabouts.  She could come back for a few weeks, or whatever, for an "exciting" sex-filled recycle. 

And then  next year, you could potentially be aching and broken,  wondering where she and YOUR baby are.,,and with whom... .

I am NOT intending to cause more pain for you.  We just have to be Eyes wide open.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

I mean my wife is moving in with his wife.  And he is destroyed.

Dear Husband-

I was JUST going to ask if THAT was what you meant!  Wow... .just... .wow... .

Now are you ready to file those papers?  Or are you just getting to the point of being almost amused by this?

I hope you can move toward healing.  I also wonder if the first ex-husband has any clue about BPD behaviors... .

Take care of yourself.
Gemsforeyes

Plenty of ongoing drama, but this doesn't change your situation. What do you plan to do? There is some good feedback and questions for you to consider further back in this thread.

I wanted to file.  Could not  find her to serve her. 

She then said she filed and I was served. That was 9 days ago.

I'll call the county again to see if anything was filed then go from there tomorrow.

Wait... perhaps some confusion... .


Were you served?  If so, then there is a filing and you would have all of that information...

FF

If you want to be divorced and there is no filing.

You should file.

File and serve are different processes.

So... get step 1 done, then figure out step 2.

FF

Yes.  My mistake on typing.   She said I was going to be served about 9 days ago.

I have not been served yet. County website shows nothing filed yet.

Then it was just words.  I recall a member posting years ago that he knew his ex was lying when her lips moved.  Harsh but there's more reality there than exaggeration.  Maybe she wanted you to react, feel guilty, ask her to return or just sit back and wait for whatever.

You do what you've got to do.  Waiting on her is not a good strategy.  Delaying overlong — letting her control the dynamic — also is not a good strategy.  This does not give you the green light to be mean or unreasonable, rather it says you can determine what is best for the overall situation and you should be proactive in protecting yourself.

(https://lh3.googleusercontent.com/proxy/cg16guTolTGttGc4cVlBvsrWE2LmL056KpHOZjo3NqJ-MsY4G0vLBuyvuFX9NAv38Tu3O2bY3wXgqJGSvPjrgt4XL6RG8C0gJOmOVsDMATdmbYPVExan=w1200-h630-p-k-no-nu)

 

I think Husband321 has said he wants to wait to see what she does... .that he feels no immediate need to jump into this.  We've all been there. Close, but not just over the threshold of ready. It will come.

I split out this post to talk about the relationship itself... .
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=319983.0


 

Your therapist is 100% correct. For 10 years I questioned why my wife wanted to be with me if she wasn’t going to be happy. For 10 years I couldn’t understand how one minute I was the best and the next the worse.  Always one extreme or another.

The goalposts are always moving and you have to have super human mind reading skills.  It’s an impossible position to be in.

When someone is emotionally driven and feelings are facts, it’s impossible to have a healthy relationship.

Yes. 

My wife doesn't know how to just "be".

I have zero drama on my side.  Nothing to argue about.

But, I understand just being a housewife is not fulfilling.  But she has a ton of money. So no point to work either.  No point to go to school. I would have supported whatever she wants, but she doesn't even know.

And yes skip.  It is a weird spot I am in.  I don't want to kiss her. I don't want to make love to her. But also , for whatever reason, hard for me to be the one to send the divorce papers.

My wife works for the government and is always looking to move onto the next GS level. She can’t stay at any one position for too long. She also went to grad school which she just finished. As soon as that ended the boredom kicked in. 

Housewife with money or career woman, I don’t think it matters, it’s an endless void of emptiness that can’t be filled.  There is a constant focus on what they don’t have.

My wife is always looking for that next thing. Unfortunately this time around that next thing wasn’t a promotion or another degree, it’s a new man.  I’m sure children with him will be next.

My wife is putting all her eggs in the basket of a man who is 43 and has two 2 year marriages under his belt. He also has the emotional maturity of a child. 

She’s burning bridges and trapping herself in a corner. Sad.

Getting a divorce moves things from private to public.

It makes it real not just to you, but to the world.

Right now, you have a bit of control over how you grieve, who to share it with. A little at a time, as much as you can bear.

Getting married, you are happy, in front of friends.

Getting divorced, you are unbelievably sad, hurt, angry, bewildered, in front of mostly strangers.

It's hard.

Do you have a counselor to talk to?