BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I've been a member of BPD Family for about 2 years now, but this is my first post. Until today, it has been enough to just read the forums and find solace and guidance, but I feel now that I am at a point where I must seek advice for my own situation.

My fiance was diagnosed with BPD before we met, but he kept it from me for the first year we were dating. One year in, after a very serious suicide attempt and a week in the psychiatric hospital, he revealed to me that he had BPD. I had never heard of it, but I did a lot of research and wanted to be there for him and support him. I have done just that for 5 years now, and he has made amazing progress coping with this illness.

I am here today because although we fight rarely, they are very scary and I no longer know how to help and support him through arguments. They are getting increasingly violent and physical, and I feel as though I am making things worse because recently, I have been engaging in similar behavior. We both smash glasses, slam doors, and say horrible things about each other. At first, I try to remain calm, but after a while I become so upset and frustrated by him that I throw it right back because I think it's "fair". I know this is wrong, but I am clearly falling apart myself. In our 5 years, he has become physically violent only 3 or 4 times, and each time he has been incredibly remorseful and embarrassed afterwards. I am here right now typing this at work because last night, he hurt me while screaming that "he is the devil and my worst nightmare". The reason I am seeking advice is because this could have been avoided had I handled it properly. We fought for a good two hours before it turned physical. We were dishing it out, screaming at each other, and I should have seen it coming. As I do not have a mental illness, I feel responsible for regulating our relationship, but I am becoming increasingly lost and influenced by his behavior.

I have been very invested in my fiance's recovery, and things are almost always easy and wonderful. But our occasional fights are so bad, that I need some advice moving forward. I suppose also I have come to a point where reading about others' situations is not enough, and I really just wanted to reach out and say "help me with this because I don't know how anymore". I'm not a therapist, but I've been trying to be one for him for years and it's cracking me in half... .

Thank you for listening,
hurtbuthopeful

Hi hurtbuthopeful,

I'm so sorry that things got so bad last night but I'm glad that you have opened up and shared. I have been in your exact situation before. Early in my marriage I used to be the one to escalate to physical aggression by throwing things and screaming at my H. It worked. He would back off. I was able to hurt him the same way that he hurt me and sometimes it felt really good. Except then I felt embarrassed for acting like him. And I had to clean up plates and broken things.

In any situation that escalates to getting physical, there is a tipping point.
What are some of the physical, mental, and emotional things you experience before?

What do you see when things are getting too intense on his end?

Can you exit the house, conversation, situation just before getting to these tipping points? Or exit two or three levels before it gets to this point?

Go for a walk. Take a drive. Just getting yourself out of the heat of the moment can help you regain clarity. I was listening to some stuff about DBT recently and she said that one of the easiest ways to remove some emotions from a sitaution is to change something environments: wash your face with cold water, step outside into the cold air, sit down if standing or stand if sitting, go to another room.

You can't pour from an empty cup - you gotta take steps to take care of you before you're in any shape to be a help to anyone else.

Also, his feelings and issues are HIS.  You can be a good influence, and you can offer help to a point, but in the end, HE has to manage his emotions and feelings.  BPD is pretty much about NOT learning this skill at the average time as a child - something happened with nature/nurture and he missed school that day so to speak. 

Yes, it's very tempting to respond in kind, give tit for tat as far as if he throws things, I'm going to throw things.  But that satisfaction is short lived I am sure, and ends up ramping things up to an even worse, more exhausting on a physical AND emotional level, blow out.

Much of my time on here is finding ways to diffuse situations by changing my instinctive reactions.  If I want to Justify Argue Defend and Explain (JADE), I need to realize this just feed the BPD rage and won't have my desired effect.  I assume if only he understood my actions/words/thoughts better, he'd not be angry.  And for a Non-BPD person, it may work.  Hell, it often works.  But BPD is actually angered MORE by that mindset, so I am trying to let it go. 

I also had to give myself permission to not feel I "need" to be present for each outburst.  Sometimes I am struck by the time of day or illness, but if I can leave the argument before it starts, or just as it starts, or when I no longer feel safe in the situation, I am putting a boundary around me to protect me.  The boundary protects me, it does not control H.

You also have to allow yourself to have your own feelings, regardless of what his feelings are.  If he's mad, you don't have to be mad, too.  I have forever felt I need to "fix" it when H is mad.  Unless I actually accused it - I don't.  I can validate his feelings of being mad.  I can get him to talk about those feelings, and try to make him feel heard, regardless of whether I share the feelings or even agree with them.  I don't need to "talk him down" from them, try to change them, or tell him they are wrong.  This is very hard for me - I get nervous when I feel him getting upset.  I have a mantra in my mind I repeat over and over "He's allowed to his feeling, I can have mine."  Over and over.  As a codependent, I have a hard time remembering I can be okay even if he's mad.  I grew up believing I was only allowed to be happy if both parents were happy (both were mentally ill, so I've got some bad wiring).

It's fine to be invested.  But what seems to ring true for most on here is that the best way to help our SOs is to get ourselves to a healthier, stronger place, and our SOs kinda get dragged along behind us.

hurtbuthopeful,

I want to acknowledge you for having the courage both to post and to take responsibility for your part in what's been going on.  That can't have been easy.  Bravo!  |iiii  Also, I am sure by being a stable, caring, empathetic influence on your fiancee, you've had a huge positive impact on both of your lives.  You say it is breaking you.  I imagine it is about more than just the violence.  Making relationships like this work takes immense effort, and doing it without any support is truly daunting.  You can find help here to learn ways to continue the good results you've been getting, hopefully do it with less wear and tear on you, and get to a better, safer place.


Can you let us know the answers to these questions from Tattered Heart?  In particular, can you describe last night's incident, from the very beginning, with any backstory we'd need to understand context?  What he did, what you did, moments that you thought were critical, where you both were (sitting facing each other, following each other around, etc.) and any details you can think of that would help paint the picture.  We can help you untangle it all and look at how you might be able to head a future situation in a different direction.

I'm sorry you are in a difficult situation, but I'm glad you've found us.  And congratulations again on having the courage to ask for help.  We all are here because we did just that ourselves.

WW

Thank you everyone who responded to my post. I can't describe how good that felt to be heard. No one in my life knows about his diagnosis, and so I have literally never talked to a soul about this. He also has OCD and ADHD. He is deeply ashamed of all of this and has begged me not to tell anyone. Thank you for listening.

Our argument started I guess right when I got home from work. It was my Granny's birthday and we arranged to visit her and then go out to dinner the two of us. Right when I got home, he says that he has to go out real quick and check out a job. He has always had trouble finding and keeping work - he has a law degree from American and a Masters from Harvard in economics but has never held a job longer than 6 months. Currently he works from home as an audio engineer and does side work as a contractor. Anyway, he said he would be right back, and he was gone for 2 hours. So I was annoyed already as we were late to see my Granny. We nearly had a huge fight right there but I apologized for nagging and he apologized for being so late. We drove to Granny's and had a lovely time there. Then we went to dinner. As soon as we sat down he ordered two shots. I said I was all set, but he wanted to celebrate a raise I received at work. The server looked lost and I just said ok fine. Then he accused me of judging him and being "no fun". I work two jobs and I'm in grad school, so I was exhausted but was desperately trying to hold myself up. I had initially offered to pay for the dinner since he was accompanying me to my Granny's. When he tried to order the shots, I said "well hey! I'm paying for this so don't rack it up" and he just lost it. He was so offended (he is always sensitive about money issues because work is spotty for him). We managed to hold it together in time to order a couple burgers. I went to the bathroom to collect myself, and when I returned to the table he had paid for everything and said we were leaving. Then he threw that in my face - "I can't even afford this and I STILL paid for your dinner... .you're so ungrateful". We left our untouched meals and now we are walking to our car screaming at each other because at this point, I am just trying to defend myself against his false claims like "you are the biggest whore I've ever met in my life" and "you are the laziest piece of [expletive] I know, you do nothing all day long" (I work 60-70 hours a week and study somewhere in there... .and I'm planning our wedding). I'm so upset at these words that I'm just sobbing in the car the whole way home and dishing it right back at him, now further offending, humiliating, and angering him. The trouble is that I understand that it makes things worse, but I sometimes can't hold myself back when I feel so attacked. On the road he was driving erratically and recklessly, revving the engine and braking suddenly to frighten me. When we got home, I kicked in the door and he grabbed me by the throat and choked me for what seemed like a minute. He whispered in my ear that he was the devil. He really seemed possessed, like I've never seen before. I thought I would pass out then he dropped me on the floor and ran outside to get back in his truck. I lay on the floor for a minute and then ran outside to stop him, begging him to come back inside. I was so afraid he would hurt me, but I couldn't let him leave like that. I thought he might kill himself, or someone else, on the road. After that, he went inside and lay in the bed while I went outside and smoked a cigarette (I had quit a couple years ago and recently started again... .). I quietly went to the bedside and said "this has to end now, let's get some sleep" and then it was over. I slept on the couch and got up at 5:15 in the morning to go to work until 2:30, and then go to my other job from 3:30 until 9pm. I didn't hear from him until I saw him in my half hour home between jobs. He was ashamed and apologized for hurting me and said it would never happen again and that he "loves me unconditionally and I'm the only reason he stays on this earth." He did also mention that had I not lost my cool, he would not have lost his cool. He even said he's the one with the diagnosis, so I have to be the one to keep the peace.

I think that's where I'm struggling lately. I've been the peacekeeper for years and walking on eggshells all the while (that seems to be a popular idiom in the BPD world and it's so true) and I'm starting to feel like I'm not handling my own emotions well, in an ironic twist. These fights happen infrequently, but they are so rough that I think someone might be seriously hurt or we will just literally destroy the world around us.

What's funny is that I work with high school students who have disabilities - many of whom suffer from emotional/behavioral disorders not unlike my fiance's. I have a much easier time remaining calm and outside the sphere when I'm dealing with my students, but when it comes to my own relationship, it is harder not to be offended and take things he says personally. Tattered Heart - I liked your advice. Go for a walk, step outside, wash your face, anything to break up the cycle. I think my problem is that I get so caught up in the moment and defending myself. It usually takes a physical act of violence for me to "sober up" so to speak and say whoa, this has to stop. I think I need to find a better "tipping point" than a punch in the gut or a choke hold.

Since this happened, we have completely made up and are moving passed it. But I am seeking help from this community to see if we can not let this happen again. You all have had great advice so far.

Hi hurtbuthopeful,

So sorry you are experiencing these frustrations, but it's great that you are reaching out!

Don't know if it would be of interest for you or not, but I know when I was in grad school and had a boyfriend who was bringing a lot of extra stress into the household I decided to take up a serious meditation practice. It helped me to slow down and calm myself and not get caught up in this stuff no matter how bad it was. I know how hard it is. My "h" does not have very good communication skills and uses all the techniques which lead right into arguments - interrupting, badgering, etc.

Just remember to put the focus back on yourself and get yourself back in order and you'll be fine.

wishing you peace, pearl.   

Hi hurtbuthopeful, there's a lot to unpack in your post, but first let me ask you a question.  60-70 hours a week plus studying is a heavy load.  It's hard to be peaceful when you're tired all the time.  What's the timeline for finishing your degree?  (In other words, how far away is the light at the end of the tunnel?)

WW

In our 5 years, he has become physically violent only 3 or 4 times

If your most treasured person in your life uttered this sentence to you, what would you say to him/her?

When we got home, I kicked in the door and he grabbed me by the throat and choked me for what seemed like a minute. He whispered in my ear that he was the devil. He really seemed possessed, like I've never seen before. I thought I would pass out then he dropped me on the floor and ran outside to get back in his truck.

What does the "completely made up" process from something like this look like?

J