BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone, my daughter has BPD and I'm at my wits end with dealing with her. She's 19 soon to be 20 and thinks nothings wrong.

Hello whounderstandz and welcome!

Let me first answer the question your name asks... .WE DO, we really, really do.  You have come to the right place for understanding, empathy and support.  I am sorry that you are struggling with your daughter; having a BPD dd21 myself, I know some of what you are going through no doubt. 

I found this forum when I was also at my wits end, in a very dark place, feeling hopeless.  Learning that I wasn't alone, that others were walking a similar painful path really helped me so much.  The comfort that realization brought, as well as learning to use the skills and resources found on this website have allowed me to change my approach and vastly improve my relationship with my daughter. 

There is hope, whounderstandz.  I would suggest that you start by perusing the tools found to the right  |---> hand side of this page.  And please, keep reading and posting.  When you are comfortable, please share a bit more information about your daughter and your situation.

Hugs to you   MomMae

MomMae thank you so much for your reply, it's been a rough few years Aug. 2015 my mom died and 3 weeks later all this started with my daughter. She use to be such a loving caring beautiful girl, an honor student in high school, now she's very cold, doesn't care about any one or anything, didn't graduate, has never worked and so full of anger and rage it's scary, she's threatened to kill me numerous times and then kill herself, I sleep with my bedroom door locked she's very unpredictable and can be fine 1 min the next min she's a monster. I lost my sister last January she was a social worker and helped me try and get through all this, she tried helping my daughter but my daughter turned on her also, 2 months after losing my sister I was fired from my job for no reason, I loved my work and did my job very well, I'm in court next month with my former employer for wrongful dismissal. I'm going through just so much and I feel so alone, lost, depressed, frightened, scared and worthless at times. My daughter has taken a lot from me and the sad part is I let her.

You have been through so very much, whounderstandz.  I am so very sorry for your loss of both your sister and your mother, that must be devastating.  Then to lose a job you loved on top of everything else... .It is so, so very hard when things just seem to keep compounding on top of each other... .all of this and a young daughter with BPD. 

I truly do understand somewhat, as the last number of years have been like a snowball for me too... .I won't go into it here, but I used to consider myself an optimistic person, that things would always work out.  Now I know that I had just been lucky for many years.  Just when things were starting to improve with my BPD DD21, my non BPD son 23, had a severe car crash last fall, suffered a brain hemorrhage and we have been taking care of him while he recovers from a TBI.  I try not to think this way, but sometimes life now feels like we are just waiting for the next bad thing to happen.  I am working on getting over this mindset... .it is a work in progress!  This forum and people I have met here, helps immensely.

You are definitely not worthless, whounderstandz.  I can tell that you are I strong person - just the fact that you are fighting your employer for wrongful dismissal shows fortitude.  With everything you have been through, it would have been easy to just curl up and accept being treated unjustly, but you are not - you are standing up for yourself, just as you are doing the right thing for yourself and for your daughter by seeking support on this forum.

Please keep writing.  The deaths of her grandmother and aunt must have been very traumatic for your daughter.  Is she receiving any type of treatment for her BPD?  Is her father in the picture? Do you have any support yourself?

Please know that there are others who care, whounderstandz.  We may not always have all the answers for each other, but we have an empathetic ear.   MM

Again thank you MM I'm so sorry for all you're going through also, and yes it's very hard getting from one day to the next but somehow we're doing it. I do hope your daughter and son are doing better as well as you.
When my mom and sister died it was nothing to my daughter it seems they were no one to her it's been tough but one day please god she'll realize what's happened and show some type of remorse.
I started counselling a few weeks ago and hopefully over time it helps me. My daughter refuses to admit anything is wrong with her its everything and everyone else's fault, she doesn't want help because nothing is wrong with her as she says. Her father enables her to do whatever she wants and supplies money and anything and everything she wants. I left him when she was 6, he's an alcoholic and she never wanted anything to do with him, she hated going for weekends with him and at 6 and 7 and even 8 she'd say she'd kill herself if she had to go with him. She still can't stand him but still she'll use him to get what she wants from him. I just don't understand her. I'm the bad one he's God, go figure.
Thanks for listening and responding.

Hi guys, just wondering if anyone else has run into this problem with their BPD child... you can't talk to them about anything? If you even try they blow up. My daughter is almost 20 and there's no way of even trying to talk to her.

Hi whounderstandz,

I have definitely had this difficulty with my DD21.  Though things are pretty good right now, things were really horrible, particularly for about two years from ages 18 - 20.  Truthfully, the only thing that I can say that changed, is my approach, which I learned on this forum. 

The first thing I had to do was radically accept the situation, which I found easier to do when I realized that I was not alone (thanks to this forum), or to blame for what was going on with my daughter - the validation I got from that realization helped me accept the situation for what it was and instead of fighting it, learn how to better deal with it.  Truthfully, I started out doing this more for my own sake than for my daughter's.  I didn't like who I was becoming, an angry victim, and was worried how this was affecting the rest of my family - two other children and husband.  As I worked on my approach to my daughter, a wonderful thing happened... .her reaction to me changed.  We started to have a relationship again, instead of irrational emotional outbursts that left both of us feeling horrible.

For me, learning to use the tools on to the right  |---> worked very well.  If you haven't already, whounderstandz, I would highly recommend becoming acquainted with the Tools on the right, starting with "Listening with Empathy", and working your way through.

I'm sure many others on the board can also relate to the feeling of not being able to talk to their pwBPD and can also share their experiences and advice.  I know I used to complain about the exact same thing about my daughter, "I can't even talk to her"... .now, thanks to what I have learned, that has changed to "I have to be mindful about how I talk to her."

Thinking of you, whounderstandz   MM