BPDFamily.com

Today marks the 3 week mark that my husband (pwBPD) left us without warning. The way he left was a provocative mess and full of drama. I am still crying every day because this hurts so much but I’m beginning to accept that he’s gone and he did what he felt he needed to. He was very dysregulated when he left. He had been in intense DBT therapy for several weeks and I think it got to be too much because he was making progress. I found out I was pregnant (we were trying) the day he left and told him in a voice mail. He told me I should leave him alone and he’s never coming back. He moved across country to his moms. I’m a bit confused now.  I’ve been doing a lot of reflecting, reading a lot on here which is helpful. Realized what I was doing wrong and respecting his stated desire for space. I have had no contact since he left because I wanted to make sure I myself was in a strong place before I reached out. I got a strange email today that didn’t seem like it was from him. Didn’t sound like his voice or his words. I guess it could be but my gut tells me there’s something strange about it. The email stated he’s going somewhere remote and he won’t be able to communicate with me until October. He doesn’t trust me or believe I’m pregnant. Our marriage was terrible because I put my son first instead of him. He’s very happy now and his phone number changed so I shouldn’t call him... .I haven’t responded. I found out today my pregnancy isn’t viable- the embryo isn’t developing and I should expect a miscarriage. I do fee like I should let him know so he’s not wondering if he has another child in this world. But now I honestly don’t know if his mom has access to his emails. I was thinking I’d respond in a few days, try to be validating, find out what he wants me to do with all of his belongings, and give him my new number in case he ever wants to talk... .not sure? I still have the hope that after some needed time apart we would be able to reconcile. I still love him and want our family back together

Hi there, RollerMom75,

I've been out of the boards for a time. Yours is the 1st post I read in weeks. It is hard to see so much pain in "our family", so I can't begin to understand how much pain you're going through.


That is exactly what you had to do. You can't control the aftermath of things, but you do the right thing, because it is the thing you can control.

It's terribly hard when the person we love has to do something to survive, or to have a chance to be happy, and that something is leaving us. We might understand perfectly their reasons, but we want to be part of the solution: Why can't they just understand that we are on their team? How can they be OK with doing this to us?

They're not, they might be devastated, or they have to throw layers and layers of defensive mechanisms to not think about it. But there is no way around that experience, but through. As you said, the only way to have him back is to let him go first. In my opinion.

It must have been terrible to hear about the pregnancy and then the probable miscarriage. I'm so very sorry. Racionally, it must be a blessing that it won't go through, people will tell you that, but emotionally, it must have been a terrible blow.

He has provoked a really big crisis in your life. And he has his way of dealing with it. You need to find your way to dealing with yours. Crisis are here to shape us in the being we are destined to become. You need to focus on yourself. At your own pace, allowing yourself to mourn and feel despair. Because how couldn't you?

Was there a history of bad blood between his mother and you?

I have two sons too, 6 and 11, and they are very damaged. It's not fair for them or for anybody, and I know it makes things very difficult. At any given time you don't know if you are doing the best for everybody, or if that's even possible.

I wish you the best of luck, and we are here to listen, and help you in the modest way we can. Take one day at a time.

Thanks for the response. I feel like it’s really only people in this group who understand. Everyone else wants to blame or talk negatively. It is really difficult when kids are involved. My son is really sad and I haven’t been able to see my stepson since my husband left town with no closure. Our boys are suffering now because our family had been torn apart. I know all we can do is put one foot ahead of the next and do what we need to. But there is a lot of pain. And I’m going to need some meds to sleep.

Of course you're gonna need some help to sleep. And you need your sleep, and eat well, and all the basics, to deal with this extraordinary pain.

We can't wrap our head around what they do, I can't imagine what goes on on the mind of a child that sees this. Be sure to tell him in everyway that this is not his fault.

Tell that to yourself too, you didn't cause this.

I'm sorry for the news you received about your pregnancy. I can imagine that adds to the stress you are already experiencing.

Is your son also your husband's son?

What about the email didn't sound like him?

Keep using this time to build up strength for yourself. When/if he is in contact again, then you'll be more prepared to address him in a way that is easier for a pwBPD to understand.

Once again, thanks for reading and for the helpful responses. My husband and I each have a son from a previous marriage. My son is with me full time and his son used to be with us 3 days a week- but now he’s with his mom and we haven’t seen him. It’s all such a loss.

Turns out that email apparently was from him. I did respond to it trying to use validation. We have been texting a bit- basically he tells me he is really happy now (sure) and we will never work out etc. he did apologize for leaving the way he did.
He seems not to be angry now. And seems to want to keep communication open


I am trying really hard to take care of myself. Put one foot in front of the other, keep going. I’ve never cried so much in my life.
This will take a long time to process and right now it’s that tricky balance of trying to let go but still being hopeful.

Hi Rollermom75,

I'm sorry to hear what you are going through    It can be complicated having someone with BPD/BPD traits in our lives, we all get it, you are not alone.

I just wanted to pop in and point out the box to the right ->  each item in green is a link to more information.  You might want to check out the "Lessons" portion when you feel up to it.  There is a lot of good information there that might prove helpful as you work through things with your husband.

Take Care,
Panda39