BPDFamily.com

Hi All

Was sent this way to get some advice and support from the aftermath of a relationship with my BPD partner, which had gone horribly wrong.

My partner and I were together for 2.5 years, we broke up 2 month ago and im having alot of trouble coping. The way the break up panned out has left me in shock and I cant seem to let go.

I’m 34 M and have had long term relationships fail, but feel ill-equipped to deal with this for some reason.

Our relationship was the same as most BPD story’s in terms of behaviour cycles of emotion, love bombing,  self harm, suicide threats, physical abuse to me, pushing me to leave her,asking me to come back and gradually escalating towards her leaving me.


My Ex  and I had a big argument and said she was leaving me and stormed out the flat, she returned in 4 days saying sorry and things were back to normal.
Another week passed – she accused me of having an affair with a work college and stormed off again, saying she was leaving me for good this time.

Another few days pass and I get a phone call from her in hospital saying she was sorry, really ill and needed to come home as she had bad tonsillitis – obviously I said this was fine and nursed her back to health over a week.
We were in bed talking and I said something to the effect of, well its ok now – your home again! She replied sheepishly saying I’m not though am i…

She then proceeded to tell me she was picking up the keys to her new flat in the morning.  She explains me to she had impulsively taken her name of the tenancy on our flat and got a new place in her name.

She then says it was a huge mistake and she should never have done it and apologised. I’m laying next to her thinking, well that doesn’t take a week to do, references, check ins etc - take a little while as we all know.  

ANYWAY – she now says the flat is a little cheaper, a little nicer and suggested if I liked it, I could move in with her.  I ask how that would work and she said id give in my notice on the flat and move in maybe the next month.

I agree (stupidly in theory) she shows me a email with photos of the flat, I see she received it one month before!

After seeing I took the bate to move in with her still, she then tells me her little sister would actually be living in the spare room for a couple of months, so I wouldn’t be able to move in just yet. But formed a new plan where we would stay with one another until her sister moves out.

Again I agree to these terms (stupidly)

After picking up the keys she stayed a couple more days and packed her things up. The night before she moved out I said in a very matter of fact way, Ok so are we doing this, or is this a way for you to ghost me and phase me out while you start a new life with out me. She gave me a big speech about how it was all a big mistake and if she hadnt have paid all the money to move she would be staying in our flay with me - then going on to say how much I mean to her and how we will make it work and move back in with one another.

The next day she moved out and the following week saw cold / to poor communication. Couple of texts along with cancelling plans to come and see me / me visit her.

I saw her in the city centre as few times and she was either cold with me, or a emotional wreck saying she was a ___ and her life was so chaotic and stressful at the moment.

After 3 weeks of this and her standing me up 5 times to come and stay over I phoned her and said – look, I don’t know what’s going on but maybe we should just admit were no longer boy friend and girl friend. She said ‘I think you’re right- sadly it’s the first thing we’ve agreed on in a long time”

At this point I go no contact with her – realising during all of this I hadn’t even contemplated I was now in a flat by myself, she had moved out with out paying any bills or rent for the prior month!

After 3 weeks, she contacted me saying she had made a huge mistake and that she still loved me and wanted to make it work. She was going in hard about how much she needed me back in her life and arranged to come and stay with me on her day of f. We spoke non stop for 3 days, right up till the night she was due to come over and guess what? She cancelled on me again!

We met for coffee the next day – We spoke about reconciling and both said we still loved one another. But seemly as soon as she gauged i was still interested, she switched to telling me all the things I have to do to win her back!

The dance continued over text for the next week, with the pretence she was coming to stay with me at some point in the week. This never happened and I was told she had let me back in for 2 minutes and I had fallen at the first hurdle and failed to get her back.

I asked her to not contact me again and told her to text someone else next time she needed to be told she was loved.

I later learnt she had a new boyfriend / seeing someone else the entire time which has massively knocked my confidence and made me every so confused to why she would play such a long-winded mean game with me?

I saw her in the city centre yesterday, we made eye contact but I didn’t stop and acknowledge her. She text me today saying how strange it was seeing me and said she wanted to talk to me. I ignored her as well, talking to her at this point wont change anything.

So sorry you have been treated this way by someone you love. It really hurts, I know. Luckily, you're in the right place to vent, learn, and receive support. Continue to talk it out here. It's super cathartic, and just know that you're heard.

-Speck

Thanks Speck  :)

I later learnt she had a new boyfriend / seeing someone else the entire time which has massively knocked my confidence and made me every so confused to why she would play such a long-winded mean game with me?


learn of the illness, and you will understand its more of a host/parasite dynamic... .Its much more survival, than it is a game... .BPD perceives this as death

She text me today saying how strange it was seeing me and said she wanted to talk to me. I ignored her as well, talking to her at this point wont change anything.

When someone shows u whom they are believe them... .realize this will also be your fate, should you recycle... .its an equal opportunity offender... .what she was doing, was putting out a feeler, to see how u react... .feeding the illness.I wish u well, PEACE

ive read the help articles on here but still confused as hell  :sign_attn:

ive read the help articles on here but still confused as hell  Attention

Over the limit on what your mind is ready to process... .for now... .For me. learning of this diabolical illness, and getting to a place, where i didnt take it personally, was much easier said, or read, than it was to truly believe it. Many times i would read, understand on a conscious level, only to have my subconscious, steer me in a new direction. Many important things, i had to post, to keep reminding myself... ... .Much to do with my strong traits of altruistic narcissism... .Its a process, not judged by time, but more, how you see yourself progress, and how u deal with situations, to mark your progress... .There will be gains, and setbacks... .Keep reading, rereading... .The pieces will fall in place... .I wish u well PEACE  

I kept reading waiting for the point where there was another man in the picture.

My 10 year relationship and 6 year marriage is ending and it ended with another man in the picture, a man who moved into my house 1 month after I left.

My wife wanted to separate back in August and I didn’t leave till the end of November. When I got an attorney and was ready to leave in October, a week later we were sleeping in the same bed again and planning a vacation.

My wife wanted to make sure she has secured a backup plan, when I made the decision to leave, she put a fullcourt press on the backup, took him on the vacation we had scheduled for ourselves to save the marriage.

My wife doesn’t truly care about anyone but herself. It’s part of the illness, she is constantly in survival mode.

Just remember, as bad as you feel, you wouldn’t want to have to feel the way she does on a daily basis.  I wouldn’t on my worse day want to be my wife.

Thats whats so odd about it, in reality i know im much less stressed out, less drained and in the long run dodged a bullet - BUT like many on here, have the weird mindset you've some how lost out despite the reality of the situation.

I guess the thing thats easy to forget is only close people see the mask slip - to everyone else she looks like shes fine, moved on, happy and its me who was the problem.

At 2 months im sure she ocupys my mind far to much considerding how unhealthy the circumstances are.

The only plus point i feel here and now is i ignored her last contact and she knows ive stopped bitting.

I indeed think many on here have that mindset, I can say for myself I definitely have it. This is literally something I could have written.

Our exes are so good in pretending like everything's fine. I spoke to some of my uBPD's exes (or friends of theirs) and they are the only one's that have seen the true him, with his controlling and hurtful ways. His friends and family just know him as a nice, interested, charming, funny guy who can be in a bit of a bad mood sometimes. I just feel so alone in knowing this side of him. I guess you must feel that too with your ex? It sucks. I too can't get my ex out of my mind and the people around me don't really understand why, since he wasn't very nice to me. Although sometimes he was of course.

You did really well not replying to her contacting you. Otherwise you would have let her win again. Stay strong, you will get through this.

I relate to people thinking they are nice, funny and a bit of a bad mood sometimes! And yes it does feel very isolating knowing the real issues behind closed doors no one else can see.

I myself first thought her problems were down to her very bad temper - i used to say to her "your temper rules you". i later realised it was way deeper than that.

My ex argues with her mother and sister allot and will block them all on social media, phones etc for a couple of weeks periodicly. So feel it extends to the family aswell as me - certainly not to anyone else, as what people think of her is very very important to her.

About 6 months ago, during a argument with her mother, who messaged me saying they had a huge argument and "she had had enough of her daughters toxic split personality and bi polar"

This is when the pennt really dropped for me and i thought OK this is getting deep.

And thanks - not replying was hard, in the years of crazy making and her pushing my buttons its the first time ive managed to not bite and take some power back.

The second victory if i include seeing her in person and not engadging with her or texting :)

My wife exposed herself on a few occasions because of her lack of impulse control when she feels slighted. My family saw the immaturity. They also admitted to me a few years ago they were on eggshells around her.  Kind of ironic.  Having said that, the were oblivious to a lot of her issues.  

I used to say to myself private, even before we married, that if my family really knew what went on behind closed doors, they would tell me to leave her.

I used to call my wife Stu’s girlfriend from The Hangover.  Obviously that wasn’t a compliment.

When things were good they were good and when I took my wife to a wedding or wherever, she was always one of the most beautiful women there. She was/is a hard worker as well with a real career.

I always knew there was something wrong and when I reached out to one of the few people she has a relationship with that I felt could get through to her, this woman felt the issues I was describing were a personality issue which led me to discover BPD. I always thought maybe it was depression and meds would do the trick. This woman who is a doctor said meds don’t fix a personality issue.  

It’s tough because I miss my son and I miss her companionship.  I think I miss the rush of the ups and downs as well. Even though it was dysfunctional, you don’t realize you’ve become addicted to it.

I’m now looking at this as a new challenge and I’m determined not to let this break me. My son will understand why happened one day and I want him to know I handled the situation like a man.

This 100% - i think the non stop noise from the BPD hissy fitsis something you get use to, and the silece takes getting use to

I agree 100%. I also think the overwhelming feeling you get once their current storm passes and you end up back on good terms again is addicting. Everytime my exdBPDgf and I fought, I would think "this is awful and not normal." But then as soon as the storm passed, it was like all is normal and well and good in the world and we would get on almost as if nothing happened.