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Title: Divorcing uBPD NPD wife of 32 years - separated 11.1.17 Post by: jumper114 on January 28, 2018, 10:58:28 AM After years of enabling, supporting, feeding, paying for and recycling a co-dependent relationship with my addict uBPD NPD wife, rehabs, lies, drama and near financial collapse, and staying together "for the sake of the kids", i took a month of self reflection, hired a lawyer, put the big house for sale and now am rebuilding my life. It is slow going. Doing yoga once a week, Alanon once a week and plugging back into friends, hiking, music and my spirituality.
I am now having a hard time following through on my dreams and desires that I thought would come easy once out of the drama in that relationship. I know what I want to do, and am going to begin checking in here to keep me moving forward. Title: Re: Divorcing uBPD NPD wife of 32 years - separated 11.1.17 Post by: livednlearned on January 28, 2018, 01:56:20 PM Hi jumper114,
Welcome and hello :) How old are the kids, and is the divorce over? There's an article on the site somewhere about how long it tends to take to emotionally, psychologically, and financially recover from a high-conflict marriage. I think it said something like 4 years to recover for regular divorces, and up to 8 for high-conflict. My divorce was very high-conflict, and probably on the extreme end of litigious (ex was a former trial attorney). It's been over 7 years since the day I left my marriage. I can look back now and see that some of the peace and calm made way for deeper, more difficult feelings to emerge, almost as though they had been waiting for the fear and anxiety to die down and for my emotional strength to increase before making an appearance. If you feel comfortable sharing, what are the dreams and desires you had hoped would come easy? Are you being patient with yourself? It sounds like you are doing a bang up job taking care of yourself |iiii LnL Title: Re: Divorcing uBPD NPD wife of 32 years - separated 11.1.17 Post by: ForeverDad on January 28, 2018, 05:34:51 PM Recovery is a process, not an event. Sadly. So give it time. Yes, sometimes you'll have to kick yourself in the rear end to get yourself moving and motivated. Don't discount the value of an experienced counselor. Interview a few that accept your medical insurance so you can pick one you feel you can relate to and trust.
Many here also felt impelled to "stay for the kids". However, that didn't provide the children with a solid example of a proactive parent. In general, when we realize that the other parent is refusing to attend therapy and/or make progress in therapy then that typical translates into the demise of the relationship. Excerpt Living in a calm and stable home, even if only for part of their lives, will give the children a better example of normalcy for their own future relationships. Staying together would mean that's the only example of home life they would have known — discord, conflict, invalidation, alienation attempts, overall craziness, etc. Over 30 years ago the book Solomon's Children - Exploding the Myths of Divorce had an interesting observation on page 195 by one participant, As the saying goes, "I'd rather come from a broken home than live in one." Ponder that. Taking action will enable your lives, or at least a part of your lives going forward, to be spent be in a calm, stable environment — your home, wherever that is — away from the blaming, emotional distortions, pressuring demands and manipulations, unpredictable ever-looming rages and outright chaos. And some of the flying monkeys too. |