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I don't even know where to start. I'm still in shock by it all. We've had a perfect marriage for 10 years, then he relapses on meth, the past 4 yrs have been a nightmare. He's been to rehab, been kicked out, been in jail and finally just now has 4 months clean.

Its hitting me tho, he has all the actions/words of a narcissist. I don't know this man anymore and I'm married to him! I'm seriously living with a stranger. Anything I say to him turns into him going in defense mode and screaming at me "I can't do anything to make you happy!" When I DON'T speak, when I just try to stay quiet to avoid conflict I get, "what the heck is wrong with you?" then he'll end up poking at me and starting a fight. By "poking" at me I mean I feel like a caged animal and when I get "ok" with my cage its like he says something JUST to aggravate me, so I feel like he's poking me with a stick until I scream then eventually just make him damn leave the house THEN HE LEAVES AND TELLS EVERYONE I KICKED HIM OUT FOR NOTHING!

He's the only man who ever showed me the difference in being IN love and just loving someone and now its like he's lost his f*cking mind. We never NEVER had one arguement the first 10 yrs, we just "knew" inside what was ok and we agreed on EVERYTHING, I'm telling you it was a fairy tale marriage, then poof all in one year every single thing has changed. We went from talking about everything everyday (because we wanted to, it just happened!) to him saying "we don't have to know what each other is doing all the time, we don't have to know who each other talks to or texts everyday, we don't have to hang out together all the time!"

Well no i guess we don't HAVE to but we HAVE the past 10 yrs and I don't know any other way to act! I have a son still at home, he's 13, he actually notices this change too and has asked his daddy to just leave the house, esp when I get accused of cheating. I have no idea where this is coming from, the only cheating issues we've ever had were from HIM TEXTING GIRLS AND LYING ABOUT IT, and we got past that - this is all so confusing to me. I thought we were past the age of stupidity in our relationship,

I've thought about just driving off a mountain side here because I'm so confused and depressed and I just don't want to live this way. I love my son and grandson and I KEEP thinking about them, they are honestly the only reason I am still alive, I'm at MY "rock bottom" and need somebody to throw me a rope or something, once I get it I can decide how to pull myself out of this or tie a noose in it! I'm not a bad person, my husband brought out the best in me over the years and created the best wife on earth (i think) and now its like hes trying to erase me? I loved my husband with all my heart and soul, i dont know this man i'm sleeping with anymore and I'm scared.

When I try to desperately sincerely talk to him all i get in return is "you aren't the same person I MARRIED either! You've changed!" I just want to reach in his chest and grab his heart out with my bare hands and tell him THIS ONE ISN'T WORKING ANYMORE and throw it in the garbage disposal (along with other body parts he doesn't need if he isn't with me! LOL) I've racked my brain for the past two weeks, the NA program, the "steps" they worked I've realized MADE HIM THE MAN I MARRIED, now that he's not going to regular meetings and has no sponsor its like his brain doesn't even work anymore. I can't talk to him about ANYTHING bothering me, it ALWAYS gets turned around to be MY FAULT somehow or he either tells me I'm crazy.

I've kept a journal the past few years, IT DOES MAKE ME LOOK CRAZY! I'M NOT CRAZY! I've never been so depressed, felt so unloved and lost in my life. When I tell my husband that, he says "You're the only one that can make you happy, you have to be positive so positive will happen" And I'm looking at him like DO YOU REMEMBER CALLING ME A WHORE YESTERDAY BECAUSE I TOLD YOU I TALKED TO MY EX-BOYFRIEND A YEAR AGO?

The name calling I outgrew years ago, I can't fight back anymore, I can't think fast enough or maybe i'm just not that evil? But yes I mentioned a conversation from a year ago and he flew into a rage and started talking to himself "yea she f*cked him yea we're getting divorced for real this time" and I'm seriously standing behind him looking in total amazement and shock at the words coming out of his mouth, like i still can't believe it, but I'm just supposed to keep my mouth shut and not say anything cause it just makes it worse. Its just better if I keep my mouth shut. EVEN my son has started whispering "mom just don't say anything back to him when he accuses you like that, we know you aren't like that mom, just don't say anything so he will leave please"

I've prayed for years for my old life back, I don't know what happened to make him totally flip into the complete opposite of what I married, I don't like him anymore. I feel like a shell. Just a shell with nothing but a big question mark over my empty shell.

Hi naynay,

I'm sorry that you are going through such a hard time in your marriage. Meth is a drug that can really change someone's personality in pretty significant ways. Was his angry, jealousy behavior there before he started using meth or after?

I think it's important when things start to get heated to take some time to breathe and get a sense of calm first so that you can begin to evaluate the situation. What are some things you do to help calm yourself and get you back into a place of  Inner strength and hope  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913193#msg913193).

What kind of things do you say back to your H when he accuses you of things?

You mention feelings of not wanting to continue on in life. Have you ever harmed yourself in the past? Are you making plans to do so?

Naynay,

Wow! I am so sorry you're going through this. It sure is confusing how someone could be one way, or so it seemed, for 10 years, then all of the sudden be a whole different way.

I had something very similar happen with my ex-wife. We were together for 10 years, then all of the sudden she up and left and was never the same person. It was like she was a stranger. It turned out she had begun an affair with her boss.

All I can say is that certain illnesses are cyclical, perhaps even on a long-term cycles and the way someone can be for years can switch to another way.                                                                                                                       

J 

Hi naynay,

*welcome*


I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a difficult time  You're not alone members here understand what your'e going through because we're going through similar things. If one member falls fellow members pick that member up. This is a non judgmental place and you're not going to be invalidated for your thoughts and feelings.

It has to be depressing to see the changes that you've seen in the last year of your marriage. What's your support network like in real life. Do you have a non judgemental family member or friend that you can talk to?

Hi naynay,

Just wanted to check back in with you and see how you are doing? We're here and we're listening. It would be great to hear back from you!

take care, pearl.