BPDFamily.com

My SO of almost 8 years was diagnosed with BPD after a suicide attempt.  We have 2 wonderful children ages 2 and 4.  I knew he struggled all his life with 'major depression', but wasn't aware of his mental illness until this recent episode.  So much of our history makes a lot more sense now and I really wish I had known (his family hid it) so I could have better been prepared. I believe he has a severe form, and I read very concerning things on the internet as I study up on recovery.  He has moved out of our home while receiving treatment, but will not even speak to me (he blames me and says I trigger him) - which makes co-parenting very difficult.  He also does not contribute to our financial commitments/bills (we own home) or our children's general needs b/c he says he is doing best he can, but on disability (which totals monthly more than I make on a pretty decent salary).   Essentially, he just walked away from everything and won't even check-in on kids.  I have constant anxiety for how our children are absorbing this as well as how to sustain a positive and nurturing environment for them without extreme disruption.  I am 100% certain I do not want to reconcile, but there are logistics and arrangements that have to be sorted out in my mind?  Looking for any and all guidance.     

BPD is a disorder most evident in close relationships, the closer it is the more it can become dysfunctional.  I found a description that fits well:  The person with BPD often perceives, and gets stuck on, the relationship's emotional baggage for him/her and can't or won't really listen.

Do you think his suicidal inclinations are (1) revelations of his deep inner turmoil or (2) attempts to get you to mold yourself to his control and influence?  In the first case he may respond well to long term therapy.  In the second case, he would likely be too controlling and manipulative to sincerely apply therapy or even start it.

Understand that recovery, if any occurs, will take months and years, no quick fixes.  Declarations that a few sessions fixed him can't be trusted.  Recovery is a process, for him a long process.  There is high risk that he may not follow through on making real improvements to his thinking, perceptions and behaviors.  What that means is when there are relapses, you'll have to determine whether they are momentary (positive) or that he is just recycling into past patterns (negative).

With him out of the home, your life and the children's lives will become more stable, at least when they're with you.  You will be able to model a good example for your children by having firm boundaries for behavior.  But beware, with time and distance, he may appear more stable.  Getting back together has risks that the prior poor patterns would resume.

"I am 100% certain I do not want to reconcile... ."  That is a practical approach.  Don't let anyone guilt you over your choices.  You need to protect yourself, your future and your children's futures.

His suicide attempt must have been so scary for you, doxblah. To go through that, and have two young kids -- together that is a lot. How are you holding up? Do you have people you can turn to for support? If not, I'm glad you reached out. People here really do care and understand.

It must be a small relief that you now have a diagnosis for some of the most confusing behaviors, and at the same time, it can be a lot to take in -- it's not an easy disorder to fully comprehend and psychiatrists don't do a great job explaining it to family members.

Meanwhile, reading about BPD on the internet can be very alarming

There are a lot of hurt people out there (understandably so).

Depersonalizing the attacks and rages can be very hard, and is an important step in making sense of the mental illness.

At the heart of the disorder is an inability to regulate emotions, which is why loved ones and interpersonal relationships receive the brunt of things -- people who mean the most trigger the most emotions.

He probably lacks a strong sense of self, so it takes very little for him to feel threatened, which causes him to lash out or withdraw. Right now, following a suicide attempt, he might be doing the best he can to regulate his emotions by withdrawing. His weak sense of self leads him to blame you, because recognizing himself as the source of his emotions would require having a stable identity.

I understand completely about your concerns with the kids. Most advice to help support kids starts with validation -- there is a book called Power of Validation, which focuses specifically on parents validating children.

My son inherited some of his dad's sensitive genotype, and validation was like a miracle cure. He will always be very emotionally sensitive, and as he feels more and more validated, he becomes better able to manage his emotions and ask for what he needs and wants.

How are the kids making sense of their dad's absence?

I'm glad you found the site :)

You are not alone.

LnL