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My husband from whom I am separated is convinced that I have affairs on him.  This is the main reason for our separation.  I love him dearly and want to reconcile, but due to his belief that I have cheated on him, when we have been together the belief has sabotaged our interaction.  He speaks to me as one might expect him to speak to an unfaithful wife.
We have only been married 9 months.  These suspicions began to occur soon after we married.  They weren't a problem during our 10 month courtship.

Anyone else have experience with such delusions or have advice on how to remove this awful barrier to our relationship?  My denials have gotten me nowhere.  They upset him as he thinks I am lying to him

Hi, Libby!

This sounds frustrating.  I can relate very much to how painful and bewildering it feels to cope with false accusations.

Have you heard the acronym JADE (don't Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain)?

Here's a nice thread about it that you may find interesting:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=280750.0



 

When my H used to make accusation against me, I would often respond with JADE, which only made me sound like I really had something to hide. Insom linked to our workshop on Don't JADE which is very very helpful.

My H does not make as many accusations as he used to, but when he is feeling bad about himself I notice that he makes comments. I try not to give the comments too much weight or attention and instead  Validate  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=81442.0) his feelings. It might look something like this:

H: You're probably going to your boyfriend's house
Me: I'm sorry that you are feeling insecure about our relationship right now. I don't like it when you make untrue accusations against me. (Don't add any type of argument or proof or explanation. Let him experience whatever he is feeling. If he opens up more about it, then talk about the feeling, not the accusation. Ask him questions.)

Thanks for the understanding and advice.  I'll try to learn about both of these approaches. 

Hi Libby,

I know how hard this is. False accusations really sting. I had to use some of these tools just yesterday myself. I did my best not to JADE and just listen to his fears and insecurity. It worked fairly well in this instance at least.

Is this something you think you'd like to practice with? It's not easy in the heat of the moment. If you like, perhaps try writing it out here and we can try to help! (in a style similar to what you saw Tattered Heart just do.)

If you try to write it out, it might help others too... .:)

wishing you peace, pearl.

He may be making accusations because he becomes momentarily gripped with a vague but intense source of distrust. He fails to locate where this distrust comes from in himself, so he tries to find a source outside himself.

Trust is particularly hard for someone suffering from BPD.

There is a desire to merge with you (engulfment), equally strong, there is a drive to be separate (abandonment). Both cause interpersonal distress, but he can't find the middle ground between the two.

Because the distrust/fear is based in a feeling, and not fact, you have to respond to the feeling, without confirming the (inaccurate) fact.

It must be very distressing for him to feel that you are having an affair -- this is a feeling you can validate.

If he becomes too dysregulated when validating that feeling, you bookend it with the truth. Many of us race right to the truth, finding it difficult to empathize with such profound distrust.

If you find that validating the feelings creates a bigger dysregulation, you will need to have a boundary about the discussion, and stick to it. Your boundary might be that you walk away if he begins to call you names or blows up into a rage. Best to come up with a boundary together, collaboratively, when he's emotionally regulated, if you have that capacity in your relationship.

Sometimes, a person with BPD will run up and down an emotional register, kind of flitting in and out between different age/states. You might find that you have to be a little more authoritative when your loved one thinks you're having an affair.

A lot of the change will come from your own desire to learn and adapt and grow.

 :)

LnL

Okay I'll practice.
The thought that I am having an affair must feel terrible. 

Or -  you sound like you fear I want a divorce (when he mentions divorce).
That would feel so scary to me.

I don't want one and hope you don't either.