BPDFamily.com

By having some small contact with my BPDmom, I've realized that there are times when I ask direct questions or make direct requests and those are completely ignored. I've learned that this triggers me. I've also learned that this triggered me in r/s with my ex. So, so much.

Sometimes there is manipulation or gaslighting in response to things she doesn't want to discuss, but that is easier for me to see and handle for me. But particularly, when things are tense and I state what I need and it gets ignored or I get a response to 1 of 3 things, it drives me NUTS! Sometimes in the past with both people, I would spend time re-stating what I need, sometimes on and on. That clearly doesn't work, is besides the point, and I realize was kind of ignoring the message they were sending me.

I guess its because its invalidating? Thoughts? Anyone else experience this and what did you do about it?

They're going to trigger you because their approach to life is outside of normal human relationships. To maintain control, they can't have the normal give-and-take of a relationship.

You can't change them, but you can drop your expectations to rock-bottom and focus on your healing. Don't ask for anything that you don't have to or give away any details they don't have to know.

I believe that it is emotionally/psychologically dangerous to rely on abusive or disordered people to get our needs met. It's painful to not have certain friends or family members available to us for support, love, care or respect but just from my own perspective, it's important to err on the side of personal safety.

In any interaction with my dBPD sister for example, I always ask myself first, "Is this something of extreme emotional or psychological significance to me? Does my well-being in any way hinge on how this interaction unfolds?" if the answer is yes, then I won't have that interaction. I will seek out some other source of support in my life, or find some other means of getting that need met.

Can you give an example?

For example, I might be dealing with grief around family estrangement (my sister and I are both estranged from our family). I might find myself needing emotional connection around that - being able to share my grief and feel heard and supported and connected with someone who understands. My sister is the only person in my life who has a solid understanding of all the aspects and angles of the family estrangement and the grief it causes because she experiences it herself, so the temptation might be really strong to call her up and talk with her about it.

But this need - the need to have that connection, validation, sharing around the grief - is something I classify as significant to my emotional/psychological well being. Not getting that need met, or having that need treated cruelly or traumatically, might have a very negative impact on my ability to heal. For me to turn to my sister to get that need met would be extremely risky. She is not reliably supportive and often behaves in extremely abusive, disordered ways. It's not unusual for her to exploit someone's vulnerability as a means of hurting them and feeling more powerful herself. People within dysfunctional family systems often know just what to say to hurt each other the most, so she is uniquely positioned to cause real emotional/psychological damage to me in such a situation.

Even if she didn't attack me directly at the time, even if she was genuinely supportive during that conversation and it went well, I will have given her intimate information about my pain and vulnerability that she could later use against me if she decided I was in her bad books. She could use that to control or manipulate me later on, or find other ways to turn it against me. This is just part of what BPD people do.

In this situation it just wouldn't be worth the risk for me to call my sister for support around my grief. It would be wiser for me to connect with a therapist or a close friend or even reach out to a support group or a board like this one.