BPDFamily.com

I've been married to a man with BPD for 6 yrs (he was diagnosed soon after we got together) and it has been traumatic from start to finish. On paper I should have ended this before I married him only a year after we got together and I shouldn't have moved to a different county away from family and friends and taken him back when he had let me down or left me at least 6 times.

We spent 2 years living apart, (but still in a very dysfunctional relationship) which were still incredibly difficult, but I always forgive him and take him back no matter what he does. His first wife did the same for 18 years until she finally divorced him but then she still found it difficult to let him go and hated the fact he had found me.

He has 2 children who are completely mentally and emotionally wrecked and he was in danger of making my 12 year old the same way. We moved back in together 18 months ago but now I have had to ask him to leave because of the unkind way he was treating my 12 year old and because his moods and temper we're getting worse.

When I write all of this I think I must be insane to stay with him, but even though he has now moved out again he still has some kind of mesmerising hold over me which makes me so angry and upset but I don't know how to break free from it for once and for all. Any advice from anyone who has experienced similar would be so greatly appreciated.

I feel for you Pluto. I dated my ex for a couple of years, and after being completely uninvolved for some time I still don't feel right.

You're posting on the conflicted board right now. Have you come to a conclusion about the status of your relationship?

I think it's over but then I am full of hope when he comes to 'talk about things' and says he is getting help and that this has been a real wake up call for him that he needs to change. We have lived apart before so it's not like him moving out is necessarily the end of our relationship. We lived apart for two whole years whilst married (he lived on the next street) as our relationship was so difficult. All my family and friends (apart from my church family) are saying I am doing the right thing to finally end this but at the end of the day I feel like I still love him and this is not rational given what he had been like and the things he has done.

I think many of us here can sympathise, I certainly can.
Every time I decided enough is enough, he talked me out of leaving, mainly with promises, guilt trips.
Do you know what that "hold" is? What is it about him that you cannot let go? Is it him as a person or is it what that relationship gives you? Is it love or is it some other reason like your own fears and insecurities?
The biggest worry is your child. You say he is unkind to your daughter.

Hi Pluto23,

I want to echo RisingFromAshes really on point questions here. What do you think the hold is? Love? Hope? Fear?

What do you think breaking free once and for all could be like for you? Does that appeal to you more than staying together?

wishing you peace, pearl.