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I was looking for a voice recording on my phone and I came across some recordings of arguments my ex started. As I have said on here before she told me to record her when she went off on one because she could never remember the next day.
Of course she would never listen to them.
I played one back, the first time in over a year I had done so and now time has passed I could try to listen to it from an outsiders point of view.
I had asked her for advice on something that morning and she said she would talk to me about it at night, when I mentioned it at night she started shouting and being abusive, telling me she had told me what to do and I was boring her.
I said we are partners we are supposed to help each other but she said she had and to shut up.
She had been giving me the silent treatment for two weeks and lots of verbal abuse and started lots of arguments.
She is now on the recording telling me I had just started an argument with her and I was shouting at her.
I said I was calm and not shouting it was her shouting at me, you can clearly hear it was her and not me.
I then told her how hurt I was by her over the previous two weeks and listed some of the things she had done, she was silent now absolutely no response to my pouring out my feelings. When I had finished she just said we should split up then and told me to leave, she said get your coat on and get your shoes on and just go, get out of my house, not to text or phone her because she wouldn't answer.
I left, the next day she was on the phone to me like nothing happened and when I went round that night all was great for 30 minutes then she just went ape s***.
I remember that night well, she had the front door open sat on the step screaming and swearing telling me to eff off out of her effing house.
Back to the recording, from a neutral third party point of view it totally shows her lack of respect for me, lack of empathy to the problem I needed advise on and lack of everything to me pouring my heart out about how she had made me feel over the previous two weeks.
Also the projection of saying I was shouting at her when I clearly wasn't, and her saying the kids can hear me shouting, not true.
Mind you she was an expert at projection, accused me of everything she did.
One thing she did say when I told her how bad I had felt for two weeks was that is was because I was off work, how her actions had anything to do with that is beyond me.
Whilst that recording was pretty depressing it was also clear that she started that argument over me simply asking for her advise and opinion on something which she knew was very important to me. Also her total lack of understanding to my feelings.
I have another half dozen or so recordings, I might listen to them, it might help to realise just how abusive and aggressive she was to me.

Hi In a bad way,

Oh, that sounds just awful to hear again... .You say it is helping you with processing the problems in the relationship?

In what way would you say this is helping you? Does it give you a clearer picture of why you would never go back for example? Or what?

You mention that she could not remember things she said. Oh, that is a scary piece, huh? My "h" has been like that at times too.

wishing you peace, pearl.

It is awful to listen to but at the same time it made me realise just how nasty she was, honestly if you could hear it you would be astounded.
One of the most craziest things was her not remembering, honestly it was like something from a horror film, she would be in a great mood and then bang, she became another person. I've had her just out the blue ask me what the f** I was doing in her house and then kick me out.
She changed in an instant but after a sleep she would return to the nice one, I actually said to her at the end of that recording when she told me to go home (frustration got the better of me) that she had some sort of split personality, lovely to nasty in an instant.
Yeah so after she had had a sleep she would have no memory of what she had done, really was two people and neither one of her personalities remembered what the other had done.
It was bizarre to say the least and scary to an extent.
I think this has a lot to do with why she has never spoken to me in any way after all this time, she will not remember all the abuse she gave me, I think she must remember some of it but not the really bad stuff.
I could tell the next day if she remembered and it was only a couple of times.
We were in Italy and she was in a fantastic mood and then in a split second she was telling me to eff off then she lay on the floor in the middle of the street throwing a tantrum, it was horrendous.
I was disgusted with her and wouldn't speak to her the next day, when I did she said she knew something must have happened because I didn't come to bed last night.
This is all still going through my head and more besides after all this time, I'm still in shock, definite PTSD because I am the only person in the world that knows how she was.
I'm glad I have the tapes, it's proof and also it shows I'm not imagining it all.