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So how do you fix your codependency?

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Moderator note: this post was split from this thread (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=111772.0) for a more targeted response.

Hi Yuu,

Good question.  :)

What's the toughest aspect of codependency in your experience?

heartandwhole

Hii heartandwhole,

I think that would be missing them so much. Feeling so empty without them. Losing my sense of who I am.

I have felt that way, too, Yuu. Who am I when I'm not "helping" others? Is my worth tied up in what I do for others, or who I am?

I think it may track back to messages we learned as children. I remember feeling responsible for my parents' feelings and wellbeing, especially my mother's.

Can you trace this back to anything from your family growing up?

If we learned to be codependent, we can unlearn it.  That's the good news.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

Hii heartandwhole,

No I don't think I can trace it back to anything. I am the youngest in my family. So where should I start? What are the steps of unlearning it?

What a great question.  :)

You mention that you feel empty without someone, and lose your sense of who you are.

Sometimes healing begins with recognizing a feeling and then matching it to a similar one that you felt, and that you recognize from another relationship or relationships. Have you ever felt empty before?

Maybe as the youngest of 7 you had to work a little harder to get the kind of attention and validation you craved? When you didn't get it, did you feel empty? Did you feel that you had to become someone in order to get attention and validation?

LnL

Livednlearned,

Yeah I feel so empty when we don't talk or when she doesn't reply fast or when her cellphone is off. I feel like who am I? And why am I here? What do I exist for if not talking to her and being with her?

I don't know about the other one though. Maybe I did want attention as a child. But right now I don't want any human contact. All I want is her like everything is tasteless.

I can definately trace back to the mom guilt thing... .the worst thing in the world is knowing " i have dissapointed my mother"... .so im sure that plays in dissapointing my " vixen " as well... .but how to get over it. is the question.

I remember reading somewhere that it isn't necessarily what needs were unmet in childhood, it's what needs were unmourned.

It's a process to discover who we really are. Being able to be alone with ourselves, and to feel comfortable about who we are, separate from others, is a big journey. The biggest! I admire you for reaching out, and being vulnerable. It takes a lot of strength to be emotionally vulnerable and share how you feel. It's one of the first steps toward genuine emotional maturity.

In dialectical behavior therapy, there is something called opposite action. Instead of avoiding human contact when that's what you seem most comfortable with, what would happen if you spent time with other people? To at least pay attention to how your body feels, what feelings come up, how you respond.

Is that something you can do at the moment?

livednlearned ,

actually it is something that I am forced to do as I have lessons to attend and brothers and sisters.

I don't want any human contact because it feels so heavy dealing with people right now ! after breaking up with my girlfriend.

Can I do something about missing someone so much and the emptiness ?the need for her ?

Yuu,

It's suppose to hurt. Don't wish it away. If it didn't hurt, it wouldn't have meant anything. Her absence has created a void that will fill in over time. Give yourself permission to grieve. At least for now.

Good luck,
DH

DH,

I am not talking about the pain of missing her.I am talking about needing her as if she was the oxygen to me. I am talking about feeling so lost ... .

thank you for your response ,
Take Care

Try to realize that these feelings can't be "fixed" by her presence, even though I know it seems like they go away when she's around.

Try to feel them without attaching to the story in your head that the feelings are connected to her presence or absence. They are not. They show up in you, and you can learn to soothe them.

Are you able to just feel the sensations in your body, Yuu? Just physical sensations. What does this emptiness and need feel like in your body? Hot, cold, numb, sharp... .what words would you use?

heartandwhole

Heartandwhole,

Cold Yes very very cold and numb. It as even if I am doing something filling my time with things and surrounded by family and friends who love me. Something is out of place. I am still feeling lonely. Everything seems so distant...

When I first separated from my x, I felt exactly as you describe. When I was alone, I felt like I did not exist in the world, but I did not want to be around anyone because it felt like it was more effort than I could provide. I could be in a room full of people, yet I felt completely alone in the world. I was on autopilot and just went through my days doing what I needed to do to survive and not much more.

Someone recommended a book called "The Knight in Rusty Armor" by Robert Fisher. One of the lessons in the book dealt with such feelings and being alone with ourselves.

It can be hard, painful, and scary, but it can also be one of the most profound and enlightening experiences if you embrace it.

That's very difficult, Yuu. 

What do you usually do when you feel that way? How do you usually cope with the emotions?

For example, I tend toward withdrawing instead of reaching out for support from others. Some people get very busy, or distract themselves.

What about you?

heartandwhole

Meili,

I looked for the book but I couldn't find it.

Heartandwhole,

I don't like reaching out to people. Or even any contact with them. But I must as I have studies and lessons.but I still feel alone with them.

I often spend my time reading our old chat and looking at her picture which I carry around with me.the only time when I partially forget about it is when I watch a series or something.(not romantic of course) but I can't do that all the time and I can't do it right now because of my studies.

I can't sleep actually even using sleeping pills. It takes me at least five hours in bed to sleep.

I am not, and the boards are not, recommending this vendor, but this is the book that I was talking about:

https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/knight-in-rusty-armor-robert-fisher/1122996396

If you read the stories of others here, you'll find that you are far from alone about finding it hard to sleep and ruminating all of the time. It's the norm when these types of intense relationships end. That is probably of little comfort right now, but it may help to know that we've been through it and it does get better.

Are you eating? Exercising? Meditating? What are you doing to take care of yourself?

One of the things that many of us have learned is that, even though it's hard, focusing on making sure that our needs are met helps a great deal. It takes our minds off the other person for a bit because we are focusing on ourselves.

By the way, I'm with you when it comes to not liking to reach out to others. It took me a long time to figure out why I don't like to do it. Do you have any idea why you don't?

Meili,

Actually I have been very sick in the past few months and I stopped going to my training. And I still haven't went to the doctor to see why am I ill. So I can't eat probably. In fact I can live one day on a chocolate bar. And my lessons aren't giving me anytime to go to the doctor. And I am late in my studies because I was way too focused on her that I neglected them.

I don't think that I have the money to ship this book and it will take about two months or so.

Perhaps you can find it closer to you. I just wanted to be sure that you had the information if you decide to look for it.

I'm truly sorry that you have been ill for so long. That's gotta be horrible. Hopefully,you'll get an opportunity to see a doctor soon.

We had a member recently make a great suggestion regarding eating during stressful times when it just feels like we can't: have a cup/bowl of soup. Maybe that will help you.

When you say that you are focused on her, do you mean that you're thinking about the memories, or about what to do in the present?

Meili,

When we were together I was talking to her 24/7 and when we weren't I was wasting time waiting for us to talk again. I often didn't go to a lesson or to my training to meet her or because I was up all night talking to her.

I don't think I have the energy to do that.

I hear ya. I had something like 70,000 emails with my x in 1.5 years. That doesn't even count the text messages, or even touch on the hours that we spent together. So, I know the void that the silence creates.

Before I figured out what a benefit the silence was, it was incredibly hard to deal with. I would sit, alone in my house, just waiting for the hours to pass. But, as I've said, it finally dawned on me that it was really a gift to have that time. It was the very thing that I needed to get her attention again.

Meili, I don't really get the last sentence. But I knew the relationship wasn't healthy and that she took more time than she deserved. But it was me needing her not the other way around.

Yep, I felt that I needed my x's attention as well. For me, it felt like I needed her to make me feel like I had a purpose in life. It was smothering and overwhelming for her. This triggered her BPD traits and fears and started a spiral that doomed the relationship.

It was not until I started to learn that I am a complete, whole, and worthy person all by myself that I was able to start to make healthier changes in my life. It was those changes that made me attractive again to her. Also, because I wasn't smothering or being a doormat to her, it didn't trigger the BPD traits as much. The lines of communication became more open and we went from not having any contact for several months to trying to see if we could spend our lives together.

Can you see something like that might play out for you?

Have you been able to start to figure out why you feel that you need her? That is part of the key that will help you.

Meili,

Do You really think that being confident and complete will change the relationship that much? I mean I never thought of it that way. I knew that I needed her too much and as you described she was my purpose in life. But did she feel insecure and uncomfortable because I was needing her too much? Because I made her feel like I am hopeless without her and she is the air that I'd die without? You think it suffocated her and pushed her buttons?

Also could you please give me your opinion on my last post?

People with BPD traits need strong people in their worlds. They live with very intense emotions, fears, and insecurities.

In my situation, my x was extremely insecure but tried to mask it in many ways. From what I've gathered, because of her insecurities, she was constantly afraid I would reject and abandon her. (We talked about all of this when I reconnected and tried to work things out.)

Because I was so enmeshed with her and she was constantly worried that I would reject her, she felt that she was under constant pressure to be something other than who she was. The pressure was triggering for her and caused a great deal of projection and raging.

When I started to change, she didn't feel so much pressure.

Yes, I do believe that your working to change how you are doing things will have an impact. It only takes one person to change the entire dynamics of a relationship.

Meili, you have hope in your words. So what is the first step to fix my codependency or being enmeshed with her?

Of course, it's easier for me to say this than it is to do it, but you must detach with love (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=318951.0).

The struggle to do this is something that I am intimately familiar with. I tried all sorts of things ranging from leaving myself notes of affirmation to read every day to putting myself in very uncomfortable situations so that I could gather enough evidence to truly believe that the world would not come to an end if something went wrong. (I had to build up to the latter though.)

Here's the thing, most of us find ourselves in these situations because we've been taught the wrong things. We learn these things from others. Because we've learned them, we can learn new things as well. When I was very young, someone told me that I was not worth being alive. That was reinforced throughout my life. I had learned that I was not worth being alive. I've had to learn that I am worth being alive. The only way for me to believe that was to tell myself over and over that I am.

Start small, start safe... .Have a plan... .

Can you come up with five or so affirmations that can remind yourself of every day?

Meili, Can you please explain it more simply (my English isn't that good) and like tell me steps to do baby steps and I will follow through. I want to get rid of it as soon as I can.

What does affirmations mean? Sorry

Affirmations are simply the self-talk, things that we tell ourselves. When most people talk about affirmations, they are really talking about positive affirmations though. That's what I'm doing here. I'm talking about positive self-talk to help you learn to undue the negative things that you heard, learned, and accepted at some point in your past.

Each of us has a unique set of things that we learned, so your positive self-talk needs to be specific to fight against the negatives that you heard. There is an old thread HERE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=156703.0) in which members share some of their experiences with positive affirmations.

Can you think of five, positive things that you can tell yourself daily (or several times a day) to combat the negatives that you tell yourself?

Unfortunately, co-dependency is something that we've learned over time and it takes a lot of time to learn new ways of dealing with life. It takes a lot of effort to look at our thoughts and actions and decide to do something differently. We have to retrain our brains to think differently and make different choices in the future.

May I ask why you think that you are co-dependent?

Meili, so the first step is affirmations Okay then I will think about the affirmations throughly and reply to you later.

I read the Codependency profile and it fits me perfectly. I was quite surprised at how accurate it was.  

What do you think that your biggest roadblock is?

This is a very interesting and helpful discussion.

Yuu, the first step to recovery, in my view, is awareness of the issue. You have seen this in yourself, so that is a very important step that you’ve already completed.  |iiii. Many people live years and years, struggling in relationships,  without realizing that there is something that needs changing in their own behavior. So, you are already ahead of the game.

In addition to what Meili is encouraging you to explore, I’d like to ask you a question, that will hopefully help to reframe this issue as an opportunity to learn new skills, rather than a problem to solve.

What skill(s) do you think you need to learn to have the kind of relationship you want?  Take your time and imagine yourself in that successful relationship. How do you behave? How do you interact with your partner? And so on... .

For example, for me, I’d say one thing I need to learn is to trust that I am enough and lovable, just for being me (and not because of what I do for my partner).

What about you?

heartandwhole

Meili,
My biggest roadblock in what?
I still haven't figured any of the affirmations but I can give it a shot.

I must take care of me because nobody likes a hopeless person
I need to pay more attention to what people say but not too much
I am Enough, I am not a bad person
Help yourself because asking for help may put pressure on people
I am at peace with everything, You can't force someone to stay with you

heartandwhole,

I need to be more perspective.I need to be independent. I need to learn how make her feel secure and comfortable. I need to know how to make her relay her emotions to me. I need more honesty from her. I need know when I am being lied to and how to deal with it. I need her To fully trust me.

Yuu... .you and i are in similar frames of mind... .but , when i read your rationale for all the things YOU have to do... .it reminds me of my thinking... .what is SHE willing to do... .and if SHE isnt willing to do some work... .you and i will both just waste our lives trying to fix someone who doesnt want to be fixed... .thats my 2 cents right now.

Hi Yuu,

I hear you. And I think most of us here have had a very similar list of things we need at one point or another.

The thing is that you can't "make" anyone do, think, or feel what you want them to. And even if you found a way to do that, it wouldn't bring you love or happiness.

These are things you can work on, because you can learn skills that will help bring them about:

• I need to be more perspective.
• I need to be independent.
• I need know when I am being lied to and how to deal with it.

Looking at your list above, do you see that half of it focuses on what she needs to do, and not you? That is where we really get stuck, because in life, very often people just don't cooperate with what we want. They do what they want. And they have their own list of needs.

I think step two in the fixing codependence plan might be turn the focus to who and what you can control: you and your behavior.

Also, an interesting exercise: in all the places you use "she" or "her," replace all the pronouns with "I" or "me." So, for example, "I need to know how to make her relay her emotions to me" becomes "I need to know how to relay my emotions to her." Or even "I need to know how to relay my emotions to me."

This is a tough project, Yuu. I admire your willingness to take the plunge. Reading and participating in this topic is helping me, too.  

Let me know what you think.

heartandwhole

Heartandwhole,

I am sorry but I disagree with you on that one. Because my actions will reflect how she feels so yeah I think I am supposed to make her feel secure and comfortable because she can't make herself feel that way.

But I hear you. But can you explain further what do you mean?
I think step two in the fixing codependence plan might be turn the focus to who and what you can control: you and your behavior

Hi Yuu,

I've been reading your thread here since you posted it, as it's an excellent topic and one that is close to many of our hearts.  I'm sure many others are also reading and benefiting from this, so thank you for exploring this with us.  

I took a look at your affirmations and it seems like you have the idea.  What I would suggest is that we maybe re frame a couple of them to only be about yourself.  As a codependent myself I fall into the same trap.  I make everything about someone else or in service of someone else.  It is hard to focus solely on ourselves.  But in order to get to grips with our own traits, that is what we must do.  For a moment, park any thoughts about how your actions affect or influence others or their opinion of you.  (I highlighted the statements in your list where you have included these types of thoughts)

I'll give you two examples from your list above, worded slightly differently, and maybe you can repeat these and see how they make you feel?

I am enough exactly as I am.

I have what is required within myself to take care of my own needs.

Can you see the difference in how these affirmations seem more focused towards yourself as a whole person who is not dependent on other's opinions or satisfying others' needs to feel worthwhile?  

I sat with my counsellor once and said to her that "the validity of my existence comes from helping other people".  In other words, I may as well not exist unless I am doing something in service of others.  Now I feel sad that those words so naturally passed my lips.  It's a process Yuu, but we can get there - to a place where we are valid as individuals and feel a sense of self worth without it being centred on what we can do for others.  

It is interesting to me that you have included in one of your affirmations the words "I am not a bad person".  Who says or thinks that you are a bad person?  Are these your thoughts or those of someone else?  Again, this statement might be concerned with what others think.  I'd encourage you to focus on what YOU think about yourself.

Can you tell me some of the self defeating thoughts that you have, which drive you to behave in the ways you have identified as codependent?

Love and light x

Hi Yuu,

I hear you. And do you see that I can't "make" you agree with me if you don't?  :) Even if I were to make a good point, you will think and believe what you think and believe.

You can be the "perfect" partner, do everything in your power to help your partner feel secure and comfortable, and she will feel what she feels. Of course you want to support her, care for her, help her in any way you can. That is a caring thing to do. We are all here because that's what we do.

But to make real progress, your partner needs to learn to manage her feelings of discomfort and insecurity. You can't do that for her. And even if you did, what would happen if you for some reason couldn't help her anymore? Making her dependent on you is not a good basis for a thriving relationship. And she may resent you for it in the long run.


I mean that no matter how loving and caring and supportive we are toward our loved ones, they may or may not be able to feel it or feel secure in it. That's human nature. Every person has their own unique ways of perceiving the world.

It's clear how much you want to support your partner, Yuu, and I think that shows a very caring nature. A pwBPD (and anyone, really) can really thrive with someone who is solid, caring, consistently supportive.

Just make sure that you are also just as supportive of yourself and your needs. Try to see yourself and your partner as distinct people, with individual needs and wants. Then you can communicate with each other and learn how to best fulfill the needs that you have, according to your values and preferences.

To me, focusing on yourself means learning who you are separate from your partner or loved ones. What are your needs? What do you want for yourself and your life? Because they can get so easily lost when we are entwined in a co-dependent type of relationship.

What do you think?

heartandwhole

Harley quinn,

I understand what you are saying. But I want to fix my codependency to help me in the relationship not for myself.

I think that a bit. And my sometimes I felt my SO thought that.

I don't really get what self defeating thoughts mean but I didn't really look that much into how I acted like that or why. I just read the Codependency and it was as if someone looked through me.

Heartandwhole,

I guess I knew you were right all along. But it is just so sad being so helpless and as You know BPD are very weak so I don't know if she can overcome her insecurities... and that means the relationship is lost... .

Yeah you are right they were lost and I didn't even think about them but yeah even now I don't even want to think about me and my life... I am just gonna let it flow. There is nothing I can do anyway

I hear you. I've been there, too—feeling helpless—and it is sad.  


Well some people have endured enormous difficulties in life, and they may appear weak in some ways, but then again, how much strength does it take to get through what some have been through, you know?

You don't know if she can overcome her insecurities, but she may be stronger than you think. I know that even when things look like they are totally lost, they can turn around for the better. I've seen it right here on these boards. But it takes effort, time, and patience.

And you know what? As you work on changing your behavior around codependency, you become a model of what is possible for her. Through this work you are doing for yourself, she can see that change is possible. So, you are doing this for you, but it can be very helpful for your partner and everyone else around you, too.

I would focus on very small steps you can take, moment by moment, Yuu, so as not to feel overwhelmed or discouraged.

One of your goals is to become more independent. What is one thing you can do (even a small step) to start that process. What would that look like in your life and your relationships?

Those are just my thoughts. There is a ton of wisdom on these boards. What do others think?

heartandwhole

Heartandwhole,

I don't know what I really have to do to become more independent but I think something like taking care of my own stuff and responsibilities.

That sounds like a good step Yuu.  What specifically can you start with?

I'm wondering what you thought of the two affirmations I suggested earlier in the thread. 

I am enough exactly as I am.

I have what is required within myself to take care of my own needs.

How did you feel when you read them?

Love and light x

Hi Yuu- It is possible to work on fixing co-dependency but it can help to have some support. I don't know what resources are in your country/language or what books are available to you. You do not have to reveal your location, but what resources are available to you as far as counseling, support groups in your area?

It may be hard to get US books in another country, but are there co-dependency books in your language that you can get to?

Co-dependency has a lot of aspects to it. At the moment, you are going through a break up. That hurts- everyone- not just people who are codependent. You may also feel some depression feelings. This is normal. What resources do you have to help you deal with that- counseling, support groups, clergy? ( whatever religion you practice?). Sometimes it helps to deal with something that is taking a lot of your attention- like the break up, and then work on other character traits you may wish to change. The saying "time heals" may not feel real to you- but it does and so take heart that this will get better in time. You can heal your feelings from this.

A goal of dealing with co-dependency is to be OK on your own. You can do that. That doesn't mean not ever having a relationship but when you do, you can be in one where you feel more secure. At the moment, it may not feel so good being single, but it is a chance to work on this. It may take doing something you are not used to doing- but reaching out to one person- one friend- to go have coffee, or see a movie, or anything to form new bonds.

Harley quinn,

I really have to take care of my studies I have neglected them for so long focusing on the relationship. And this is the most important year of my life.

I really like the second one. It gives me a feeling of independence. I don't know about the first one though.

Hey Notwendy,

The only thing I can get is a therapist. Some other members told me to go to one. And I am thinking about it. No books or support groups sadly. But I don't feel like meeting anyone and my Bestfriend is related to her so I don't really want to meet people.

Thank you for support

Yuu,

I can understand the not wanting to meet people. However, seeing a therapist is a very different situation than meeting a friend. They are professionally trained to help you- and even to help you with your feelings of not wanting to meet people.

Wanting to isolate ourselves is a common feeling but it is better for us to see a therapist during difficult times than to isolate ourselves. To answer the question on your thread- a therapist can be very helpful in working on co-dependency traits but everyone, even people with co-dependency, can feel sadness during stressful times- and taking care of that is an important step.

To give you an example- I also wanted to do some work on co-dependency but at the time, my father had just passed away. I needed to work on that first as I was feeling very sad. A therapist helped me with that and then, when I was feeling better, helped me with co-dependency traits. I also didn't want to meet people when I was feeling sad. It makes sense, but seeing a therapist was good for me. Sometimes we make those decisions- you know- to eat vegetables when you would rather eat sweets- but you know the vegetables are good for you.

Think about it Yuu. Could seeing a therapist be good for you, even if you don't feel like meeting people?

This is good to hear.  You are making a conscious choice to focus on your studies, which are very important to you.  Perhaps you can make a commitment to yourself that you will not be deterred from that, no matter what? 

I'm so glad that you find I have what is required within myself to take care of my own needs gives you a feeling of independence.  You could write this out and stick it somewhere that you will see it every day.  Such as on your bathroom mirror, or where you do your study.  Repeat it often. 

How does the other one make you feel?  Uncomfortable?  Is it that you struggle to believe it?  I'm curious to know if you could word it better so that it feels more acceptable to you.  What would feel better to say?

I'm in agreement with Notwendy, that therapy is very helpful.  When we go through tough situations, the support we get can make a great difference in how we cope.  I'd encourage you to give it some thought.  It would be a gift to yourself to be able to speak openly and without judgement, in a private and confidential setting.  I have found a huge weight lifts from my shoulders when I see my counsellor, even if I don't feel like going to begin with.

Love and light x 

Dearest Yuu-
I am so sorry for the pain and sadness you are feeling.  And I'm sorry to be late into this discussion, which i really need to read again, because I too, am very codependent.  And I am only seeing how deeply this is hurting me now; and I am not young.  But I do believe that I can make some changes for the better in my life.  And so can you.  You are so much stronger than you know.  Your friends here have given beautiful ideas to help you.  Please open your heart and receive what they are trying to give you.

I lost my closest and dearest friend this past week.  She died unexpectedly.  She was young.  My BPD boyfriend apparently decided that 2 days was enough time for me to be sad, 2 days for my heart sister.  I have tried so hard to always  wear my "tool belt" with my BPD BF.  But you see, my tool belt fell off due to my sadness and my BPD BF went into full rage.  I didn't have the strength to carry my "tool belt".  I couldn't "save" us this week.  So it all collapsed and shattered.

So here's what I want to offer, Yuu... .there will be tears.  It's okay to cry them.  I have often wondered if we are given a limited number of tears to cry during our lives.  We aren't.  So I will let my tears clean my soul.  I will offer myself 5 minutes in the morning, and 5 minutes in the evening to cry my tears.  I will grieve for my dear friend.  And maybe in time, I will grieve for my BPD BF.  And I will grieve for myself.  I am allowed to just be sad.  And so are you.  And in time, the tears will stop coming.

I knew how to breathe BEFORE I met my BPD BF.  And I knew how to breathe before I met my beautiful friend.  So now, I will open my "window" a little bit wider, and let more air in... .just so I can breathe more deeply.  He is NOT my oxygen.  Just like Your BPD GF is not your oxygen.  We must apply logic to our emotions.

My BPD BF chose me (over and over again) because there was something in ME that met a deep need in him.  Because I forgave all of the bad things he did.  Always.  And in reality, in the light of day, he did not really bring light or happiness or joy or true love into my world.  And it's time for me to be honest with myself.  I have to stop convincing myself that he is good for me.  He isn't good for me.  No matter what I do, no matter how many tools I learn, I will never be able to make him stop lying.  I will not be able to teach him to be an adult.  I will never be able to trust him with my heart.  I have to trust myself. 

If I look at my world as my home, it has many rooms.  My BPD BF entered my "home" and it seemed to grow smaller.  I see this when I am very honest with myself.  He took up "rooms" in my world, in my "home".  He did not want me to leave those rooms.  And he did not want anyone else to enter those rooms while we were there.  We were alone.  Now, for the hours in the day when I must do things, I can freely leave those rooms and close the doors behind me.  And when "I'm" ready, I will go back in there and think of him, or look at our photos.  On my terms.  And one day, he will no longer take up space in my world.

I may be wrong, Yuu, but I believe I landed in this place due to early traumas that were never healed.  I HAD to please others so that I could feel "good enough".  To make others feel worthy and loved because I never did.  That is a hole in my heart, which I will seal.  I know I have friends who fully trust, love and rely on me, so I know I can rely on myself.   Nothing is in my BPD BF's hands.

I just don't want to feel like this anymore.  And the power to make that positive decision is mine.  So I will make it.  And so will you. 

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hey guys, thank You for Your support.
Thank you for sharing Gemsforeyes,

The thing is that I am trying to reverse the breakup on another thread. I am not sure if I want to try and get over it. If your read my other thread you will understand.

Yes, I want to commit to my studies.
I don't know  about seeing a therapist though, I mean what can he help me with.

Harley Quinn, it is just that I don't feel it at all, or I am kind of sure I am not enough.

Gemsforeyes,
I am so sorry for your loss. I thank you for sharing your experience. I hope you can cope and move on with your life.

Dear Yuu-

Please allow me to apologize for my earlier post.  I got completely lost in my own world and did not say anything that I actually wanted to say to you.  I am very sorry, I normally do not post replies like that.

Please allow me to try again... .I'll just give a few examples because this could take forever.

I believe we can make positive changes to our codependent behaviors that can help us whether we stay in our relationships with our BPD partners or not.  These behaviors, at least in me, are present in most of my relationships.  I just didn't recognize this until recently.  

There is no "quick fix" for these behaviors, but I believe if we can get a handle on some of these, it sure will make life more enjoyable.  For me this means applying logic to my emotions.  I have really started to realize the consequences of MY reactions to his needs.  And in turn, how the consequences had begun to trigger emotions in me!   My goal, before it's too late, is to relax again... .the world will not stop spinning if I don't complete everything that's on my daily list.  And each day, I try to do one little thing that I enjoy, even if it's only listening to one song I love.  

Unfortunately,  affirmations don't generally work for me.  There's just too much "noise" in my head.

First, I believe we need to recognize that we're human beings and we're allowed to make mistakes.  It's okay to not be perfect all the time.

I knew how to breathe and take in oxygen BEFORE I met my BPD BF.  When he rages at me or leaves me or I ask him to leave me, I may feel that I cannot breathe... .like there is heaviness in my chest.  But I now know this is stress and anxiety.  He does not supply my oxygen.  To calm myself, I move into fresh air or open a window wider and take deep breaths.  And I tell myself... ."just breathe... .". I used to tell this to the at-risk kids I coached in rowing.

I no longer need to drop EVERYTHING and stop an art project or hang up a call at the exact moment my BPD BF calls screaming thinking he has an "emergency" and rush out to rescue him from his latest "crisis".  When I react like this, it makes me miss my work deadlines and his emergencies are NOT emergencies.  My immediate reaction tells him to keep doing this to me.  He will continue to believe that NOTHING I need to do has any importance.  I must allow myself to quietly ask him if he is safe and for an explanation of what is happening.  And I am allowed to tell him that I am in the middle of work, I cannot leave now, and I will be happy to help him when my work is done.  If he has a medical emergency then yes, I will rush out.

I work from my home.  I need money to pay my bills because I support myself (and pay for too many of his needs at the moment).  He wants to come in here and turn on the television and talk to me when I am trying to work.  For far too long I lost my voice because he would begin screaming if I told him I needed to work and I needed the house to be quiet.   If I allow him to be here in the middle of my workday, I end up having to work in the middle of the night after he goes to sleep.  He has other places to go, including his own home.  After Years of this, I am finally saying "please come back at 8:00 tonight when we can spend time together ".  If he gets angry, that is HIS problem.  I am responsible for my schedule and my work.  He is responsible for his reactions to my need for quiet.  

We have to take responsibility for only what is ours, NOT theirs.  He and I are two separate people.  Here's my kicker... .I may find that his way of "loving" may not be enough for me.

I am finally placing some value on things I need to accomplish.  I'm not sure where we stand at the moment, but that's not important right now.  IF we are together, then he needs to rise up a bit, be my partner, my lover and my friend.  I will be the same to him.  But I don't want to be his servant or under his control.  I don't want to be told what to do or how to feel.  I have become more comfortable overall in explaining that my feelings are mine, his are his, and it's not fair to tell one another HOW to feel.  I am also trying to teach him the meaning of empathy.

I will no longer cancel my dinner plans with close friends because he decides at the very last minute he doesn't want to go.  But I still have to provide an excuse (sinus headache) about why he's not there.  And generally speaking, I call him on his lies... .so those have become minimal.

Yuu, what we're doing here is acknowledging that we have issues we want to address and actively work on.  And until our partners do the same, there is little we can do to help them.  We know we cannot "fix" them.  And that feeling of helplessness is deeply painful.  But I for one am extremely hopeful that I can change and heal myself.

I want to thank you for opening this topic.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Hi Yuu,

How are you doing with committing to your studies lately?  Have you been able to stick with this and prioritise this important part of your life for yourself?

It's hard feeling like you're not good enough.  Do you know why it is that you feel that way? 

Love and light x