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You'd think it's a good problem to have. Now came to idealization phase. I was so shocked since it's not the beginning of our relationship (we are married for over 10 years!) but something must have happened that triggered this. She wants to hug me all the time, have sex every night, tells me how I am the most amazing thing in the universe.

I can't stand it. I don't believe it anymore and the whole thing just doesn't feel like a relationship to me. I know it will all come crashing down at some point anyways and I will return to my evil monster abuser which she makes me to be.

Don't get me wrong - I am not afraid anymore to be in that "black box". But her "aggressive love" is just too much for me.

Did this happen to you?

She told me last night

"I know you tell me it's not good, but the only way for me to find my own identity is through you... .you are so amazing and successful"... .

Gotta be much harder for someone who is "in love" (at least in their own eyes) to realize that this is just as big of a problem then when you have "in hate"!

joshbjoshb, this part of your post jumped out at me.  What do you think about it?

WW

Oh. I do think that I am successful indeed :)

But I am horrified to think that she can't have her own identity except through me. I don't think that's possible or even sustainable. To me this is a huge recipe for disaster.

I agree.  That makes you responsible for her happiness and everything else.  You are not alone -- not having a clear identity is actually one of the diagnostic criteria for BPD, so many other members are dealing with similar issues.  Your wife is the first one I've heard about who has acknowledged it and said it out loud.  Nice, though, that she provided some clarity for you!

Not to lay that whole issue on your lap, since it's her issue, but might there be any positive steps that you could take that might help that issue a little bit?  Encourage her in her activities, work, hobbies, groups, etc., in a way that helps give her identity and positive feedback from other sources?

Regarding the showers of affection you are receiving, I can totally relate to how hard it can be to accept that affection when it feels like it could go away at any instant.  If it helps, those emotions are genuine to your wife when she is feeling them.  That affection is real.  You know that a black period may be around the corner, but she probably does not.  That creates a tough situation.  Accepting the affection may be invalidating to you.  Rejecting the affection will be invalidating to your wife.  Maybe split the difference?  What works best for you?  I would be curious to hear what other members think.

WW

Oh, I needed to update. Don't worry guys! The issue is solved.

I am back to being a a-hole :)

It was very surprising to have this brief period of idolization. I really wonder where it came from. The issue is that the monsterization (just made up that word, ) is coming from the exact same place. "I" hold the key to her happiness and it's "my" fault that things are not happening the way she wants them.

She did make some progress and spoke to 2-3 people in the past year... .although not directly about it but about other issues we are facing with needing to move to a different part of the country. I should encourage that!

My H cycles into idealization phases with me every few months. I used to enjoy the quiet during these brief times, but like you, they now make me uncomfortable because I know they won't last. I also now know that it's just a part of BPD.

What I do now is that I still enjoy those moments, but I also use these moments to try to remind my H that I am not perfect and that I will let him down or hurt him at some time in the future because of my imperfections.

Sometimes I will even say something like "It makes me happy that you love me so much and I love you too. Sometimes I feel a lot of pressure when I'm put onto a pedastal though and it scares me because I know I can't live up to the expectation forever." He will acknowledge agreement and will forget that when he turns me black. But I've said what I needed to say and that helps me feel better about the white phase.

I guess to me part of the issue is that I don't really feel that I am in a relationship - it's kind of one sided, with only one adult in the room. So I don't appreciate the love either. In other words, this kind of love doesn't feel good to me.

I once asked on this forum if you really feel love. I feel more compassion to some extent.

I have absolutely felt love, but it can be hard to maintain.  I was able to maintain it for a long, long time.

WW