BPDFamily.com

Hi, I have stumbled across this site as I search for ways  to set boundaries with my mother. She is undiagnosed BPD but exhibits all the traits and I am very clear that I need to set boundaries in order to reclaim my sanity and maintain functional intimate relationships (having grown up in a boundary-free single parent BPD household). I’m unsure how to do it in a loving way, or even what boundaries are right for me. I look forward to reading the posts on this board.

Hi welcome to the site,   

I would say setting boundaries is an essential part of self care. People with BPD are experts to convicting us we should not have boundaries, primarily because it prevents them getting what they want, and they don't really consider other peoples boundaries at all.

Your point about doing it in a loving way, be aware a BPD does not like boundaries so will throw everything they have at pulling them down. I know that’s what shocked me when I began the process, but if your BPD has had things all their own way, why on earth would they want to change anything that suits them first ? BPD is more likely to consider you as week  if you allow them to take advantage.

There are various techniques on this website to minimise the fall out and to make the process easier. Techniques such as B.I.F.F. or S.E.T. But briefly put, you need to be firm but fair, knowing your BPD will try and convince you are not being fair regardless. Here’s a link to more detail:

https://bpdfamily.com/content/setting-boundaries

I hope that helps, but you may find this is  an incremental thing, where getting feedback from this forum after trying various thing may help. In that we BPD children have been taught to allow our BPD total and unvented access. For example, my BPD use to listen in to all our phone calls and steam open letters. One of my siblings, still to this day thinks that’s OK and does the same with her kids. I think you will find this forum would correctly point out that is not OK and is in fact its illegal in my country. So if you want council on what is "fair" or  back up when things get rocky, feel free to post on this forum.

 

A big piece of advice I would give is to maintain emotional distance and avoid sharing any emotionally charged or deeply personal information about yourself or your life. That can be incredibly difficult to do when the BPD is someone really close to us. I have been so accustomed to 'sharing everything' with my dBPD sister, so holding back and keeping her at arm's length feels very 'cold' and wrong on some level. It doesn't come naturally and takes conscious effort. But I have found that too much intimacy with a BPD has a couple of really negative effects:

1] It makes me vulnerable to emotional and psychological manipulation. When the BPD knows my deepest, most painful secrets, insecurities or even just doubts I'm having in my life, those things become tools the person can/will use against me.
2] It makes it much easier for them to creep across my boundaries because after all, 'we're so close'.

Alongside this for me is a decision I made a long time ago not to rely on my BPD sister to get any of my emotional needs met. That's a tough one, but I've had to remind myself that it's not safe for me, and that she is mostly incapable of being there for me without turning that into more damage. I always end up being let down or disappointed or worse yet, abused.

Having some emotional distance makes it easier for me to clearly see the BPD behaviors and defuse or evade them. Reminding myself "this isn't a 'normal' person or relationship and I need to proceed with an abundance of caution" helps me to keep my boundaries in place.

Setting healthy boundaries with my uBPDm has been an slow process with many ups and downs. What I have discovered is that boundaries are met with either the silent treatment or rage. It appears that she does not like boundaries from anyone in her circle, but will to some degree deal with limit setting from my siblings. This leaves me outside of the circle, not only from her but also from the rest of the family, who enables her. While it is a healthier option for me on one hand (to set boundaries for my self care), I am not surprised but saddened and angered that setting boundaries with the pwBPD has set me apart from the rest of the family. I hope you find the support and info on this site helpful in your journey.