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Someone posted a link to this book a while back. Thanks! It describes me in clarifying detail. I am struggling with some of it as to how to accomplish the changes with a uBPDw to the mix. Some of my reactions are because of the turmoil and uncertainty of how she will react (maybe violent). I feel as much guilty for any taking care of myself and for just being happy as I do anxious that she will erupt. So, I am hoping to get some good feedback from those who have read it.

5min

Hi 5min,

I haven't read it. I'm not a Mr. Nice Guy. :) But I am interested to hear more if you'd like to share about the book. Perhaps you describing it a bit can be of benefit to many of us here - give us new things to consider.

Has she been violent towards you? Are you ever in physical danger?

take care, pearl.

That book was one of the things that changed my life. This forum was another thing. That being said, I am not perfect now either (surprise!)

BTW, the book isn't about changing others. Is about changing yourself. If your spouse will see you changing from being co-dependent to being independent, she will kick and scream. Most likely in the long run it will only help you though!

You are scared of your reaction, that makes perfect sense... .that's why you need to read the book again :)

A man of integrity and strong character has nothing to be sacred of. Be honest, sincere, compassionate, and a person of values and morals. You have nothing to be scared of - you should be proud of yourself once you achieve that.

The biggest challenge is how to become that man. It starts with a journey... .it will hurt, but it's must take place.

Thanks for the confirmation that it helped you. The book so applies to me and in changing me. I am struggling with the exercises in which one begins to take care of themselves. This is a huge source of turmoil because everything must be about and for my uBPDw ir it is selfish and unloving to be delt with by ranting for hours or worse.

Changing ourselves is what the whole Bettering Board is about. Sure, we look at our pwBPD's behavior, but the main focus of this board is to begin changing how we respond and react to our pwBPD. It's also about learning about ourselves, what drives our co-dependent behavior, learning how to navigate away from co-dependency and into emotional health.

Since the book helped you both look at yourselves so well, how can you take what you learned, and help others on this board? So many men (and women) come onto these boards feeling just beat up, scared, unsure of what to do.

My friend, it's going to hurt... .but you need to start.

First, remind yourself every day that you have your own qualities and g-d given talents, regardless of what your spouse - or anyone for that matter! - speaks of you. Tell it to yourself often. I am worth it. I am strong. I am.

Then, get used to not take to heart everything she is saying. At first, when you need a break from her rages, go to the bathroom, look in the mirror and smile. Tell yourself "what she said is so silly" or "I feel bad for her since she doesn't have healthy emotions" or whatever you need to make the impact of her words go away. It won't be simple, but the more you do it the more you will feel how her words will have less impact on you.

Then learn validation. I still don't know it well at all but sometimes do okay with it. Learn to understand when she says something most likely she means something else. When she says I hate you she means she hates herself. When she said you are stupid, she cries I am afraid you will leave me because I am worthless.

Practice, practice and practice. Your life will change so much... .you will be a stronger person.

Good luck! We are here for each other.