BPDFamily.com

Hi there.

So this doesn’t really have anything to do with my ex, but she started a lot of issues I have with people now.  

I’m a very loving and caring person.  Sometimes too much.  I’m very open about my feelings and am kind of over the top honest.  I never mean to hurt people, but they always make me out to be a bad person.

I fell in love with someone online who I suspect also has BPD as she has some of the same characteristics as my ex did.  Like super secretive would not share much information about herself, and I guess that’s just part of their charm? Where I’m like blunt and kinda right to the point.

Anyway, my point is that I tend to find toxic people like that to be friends with and think they need my love and protection when they really don’t.  It’s especially hard to make friends online I’m finding because you really can’t know who they are unless you know them in RL.  

Just had a bad time recently with friends  online. (Long story but I got blocked by a group of people.)  People thinking I’m a horrible person for falling in love with someone.  Like jeez apparently it’s wrong to fall in love with people these days.  People don’t seem to want it nor care.  I know I’m not the best at expressing my emotions about stuff, but I try.  

I think I’m taking a break from love for a long time.  My ex really messed me up.

Hi Shedd,

It’s sounds like you’ve had a tough time with that group. As you know, it can be difficult in online groups to get meaning because of lack of facial expressions and body language, tone of voice, etc. That makes online interactions rife for misunderstandings.  

So, you feel that you didn’t have these issues before your relationship with your ex.

What do you think needs to happen to lower the chances of getting involved with toxic people?

For me, I’ve needed to listen to, and act on, my gut instincts more often.

heartandwhole

Thanks for sharing that Shedd. You’re right you can share your feelings maybe pick and choose people that you trust in your world and share it them. I have all sorts of friends I can think of two I would share feelings, my mom and my gf so that’s four people. What I’m saying is some people can listen without judgement and are confortable talking about feelings others are not as open. Do you know anyone in real life that’s non judgmental, listens and you can be open with them?

Yeah, my mom is really good about it. Even if she doesn’t understand some of the things I do in my life, and I have a couple really good friends that will sit down to listen to me.  There are certain friends I know I can’t talk to who will think aim weird or something, but it’s nice to have a couple that will listen.

Maybe this is a good time for some self-reflection.

Try surrounding yourself with people that respect you, have your best interest in mind and don’t treat you like your ends to a mean, put more boundaries on the toxic ones if they don’t respect your boundaries.

I’m extremely bad at creating boundaries. One of the reasons why my ex loved and hated me. Ha.

My first real boundary was after my ex left. I was 39 years old. It’s never too late  I got support from members here. I used to worry about hurting the other persons feelings that’s why I had a problem with boundaries. I’m curious why do you struggle?

I think of it this way I’m hoping that someone else won’t harm me and they’re going to understand what’s best for me. That doesn’t make sense, if you don’t care about yourself nobody else will a nurse told me that once. It’s not about hurting someone feelings or if they don’t like your boundaries they can’t do whatever.

Boundaries are about self compassion it’s keeping the good stuff in and the bad stuff out. I hated the feeling I had when I set my first boundary with my ex she has too many problems and can’t focus on someone else’s need I had to do it. I thought if it like practice it took a little time but you get used to it, eventually it’s automatic you don’t even think about it.

I understand human emotion. I’m highly empathic. I give too many chances to people hoping they will change, but I know I’m just fooling myself.

I usually end up just getting bullied for being kind, loving, nd caring.  I’m closing off my heart now. I tend to give people love that don’t want or need it.  

I love myself, but I just don’t know how to create a healthy boundary because when I feel like I do... .I get bullied again especially for standing up for myself.

So I guess I just don’t know how to do it. I think everyone either uses me or bullies me. So I’m done caring about people.

Hi Shedd,

It’s expected that there will be lashing out if you set a boundary because they are not used to that behaviour they’re used getting what they want. Keep defending your boundary the lashing out will eventually subside.

Hi Shedd

One of the biggest leaps I have made since dating two uBPD's is down to one word. No.

Its amazing how many things Ive done for people in the past which have left me feeling used. I used to feel guilty about not doing things even if I wasn't able to but now I don't. The people who get upset that you wont help them are normally only out for themselves. Those that accept it are the people that I now keep in my life. Its difficult at first but after a while its quite liberating.

I said NO and she went out and got another boyfriend.  So I understand how you feel Shed but I'm still trying to hold the torch for someday finding someone who is a healthy match for me. 

I don't like being a "jerk" but I have learned to question things.  In my last r/s i do feel like the last week i was with her i knew intuitively that she was not going to stay with me bc she didn't invite me to her sisters wedding so i let my boundaries down a little because i think i was partially depressed and not in a fighting frame of mind.   I just wanted to love her.  I spoke with someone tonight who is in a marriage and she told her husband if he doesn't fight back then she doesn't think that he cares.  Thats ironic because my ex would say that this is how she knows her ex husband cares.  It doesn't make sense though because he is still an ex. So if that was such a great strategy then why aren't they together?

I think just be yourself and be okay with being in the minority.  This married woman also said lots of women will try to shame her for being in a relationship.  It's the new thing- relationship shaming "why are you just seeing one guy?"    this is what i am hearing from women.   I think it is like a societal disease and so even if people aren't borderline they are emulating borderline traits because they think its cool ?   

chin up.