BPDFamily.com

Hello all,

This week, we will be beginning what is called a Brief Focused Assessment, or a special custody evaluation with a license therapist evaluator, focused on a couple of issues -- whether my wife, who is out of the house on a domestic violence restraining order, should be allowed unsupervised visits with D12 (she has been supervised for about 3 months), and what the parenting schedule will be.  I am hoping that the evaluation supports supervised visits, with a path towards unsupervised visits once my wife has demonstrated some accountability.  I have extensive documentation, and plan to hand it all over to the evaluator, but honestly am happy to have an expert help determine what is best for our daughter.  I understand that outcomes in these situations vary, so I'm prepared for a pretty broad range of outcomes, and want most of my energy to go into positive parenting rather than worrying about the exact particulars (we will see if my faith is upheld, but all participants in the process (judges, lawyers, therapists) so far have impressed me with their diligence and care for our children).  My ultimate aim, once my wife is cleared for full parenting, is 50/50 with tie breaker authority to me, though I don't know if this evaluation will look out that far.

That said, does anyone have advice for me?  What are my unknown unknowns?  :)  I will be interviewed by the evaluator, as will my wife and D12 and D17 (though the evaluation is only for D12.  D17 will be heading to college in the fall and we are treating her as a free agent who can pick where she spends time).

Thanks,

RC

 :)

Can you remind us whether your wife has been physically abusive with D12, and how the supervised visits came about? Does your wife exhibit any parental alienation behaviors?

I had to look up BFA to see how it was different from a custody evaluation.

One thing I read is that the report will be descriptive vs analytic, and that there should be well-defined referral questions. Best practices include knowing in advance the policies, procedures, fees, intended use of report, issues around confidentiality, deadlines, etc. so that you aren't left wondering. By advance, that could mean at the beginning of your meeting with the assessors, so I'm not sure how much advance notice you'll get about any of this. Apparently, the assessors are not supposed to communicate with attorneys on the side.

It's good that your assessor has a therapist background.  |iiii

One thing I think will stand out in your favor is that you are solutions-oriented. You want to problem solve this so that D12 has a safe relationship with her mom. I don't know what the parameters are for asking the assessor questions, but focusing on solutions and problem-solving is one of the things the parenting coordinator in my case singled out about me on the stand. It was a big turning point for me -- I realized that being solutions-oriented is what the courts do when a parent cannot do it effectively.

So going forward, I proposed solutions (through my L) that I thought made sense in light of the unsafe behaviors impacting my son. I wanted to relieve the court from thinking it had to solve my problems, and that seemed to elevate my competence in their mind.

I think they see a lot of parents who cannot get out of their own conflict rut, so the courts are put in the position of being the "super parent." If you can rewrite that narrative, then you'll stand out.

Hi Radcliff;

Could you fill me in on whether in this:


you mean 50/50 custody (i.e. joint legal) or 50/50 parenting time?

I wonder if something that could help you see some "unknown unknowns" is assessing whether a goal of 50/50 anything is workable -- that is, would it free you up to have your goal be less numbers-focused and more "best outcome for D12 regardless of numbers" focused?

It looks like you're doing that already in general:


which sounds like a good plan.

And what LnL said seems really important, too:


So, maybe your ultimate aim could be something like "The safest schedule for D12 to have the healthiest possible relationship with Mom (given X, Y, and Z), regardless of whether it's 50/50 or not".

Kudos to you for wanting to be fair, and for knowing how important Mom's place in your Ds' lives is. Hope this food for thought helps you see some of those unknowns.

livednlearned and kells76, thanks for the feedback!

My wife has never been physically abusive of D12 that I know of.  She has gone over the line with direct emotional abuse to D12 a few times, but 95% of the dynamic has revolved around me, as well as my parenting.  My wife was off the charts on parental alienation.  Sabotaging my activities with D12, saying the most awful things in front of her and me, assaulting me in front of D12 in ways that could be covered up as horseplay but caused intense pain.  She threatened to file a false domestic violence restraining order so I could never coach my daughters in sports again, threatened to make it so that I could never sleep under the same roof as them again, and threatened to move out of state.  I have pages and pages of journaled incidents, as well as some video and audio.

Yes, I am solutions oriented, and I have already seen how that has helped in my interactions with folks.  I work for D12, and am in between jobs.  Career, money, being right, all are fairly easy for me to set aside.  I've only got a few more years with my youngest child before my main parenting investment is done.

I think my concerns are very well documented, which is a good start.  livednlearned, I appreciate your suggestion to suggest solutions.  I might have been inclined to be too agreeable and just ask the evaluator (the forensic therapist who evaluated me for PTSD said I'm inclined to "give away the store.".  My hard limit on parenting time is 50/50.  I would fight RCIII if anyone suggested anything less.  But I don't think I have to worry about that.  I also pretty strongly feel that for the next several years I should have predominant legal custody, or tie-breaker status.  The two biggest things on my mind with the near-term arrangement are that we protect my daughter from parental alienation, and that my daughter not be stressed or disrupted to meet her mom's needs.  My wife is in a small apartment, and my daughter is with me in our home.  I don't think 50/50 would be in her best interests now.

The first question is supervised vs. unsupervised.  I'm uneasy with the parental alienation potential of unsupervised.  I think there are enough eyes on it that my wife wouldn't wage a huge campaign, but she is very subtle and unconscious in many of the things she does.  Simply by failing to be accountable or admit any wrongdoing to the kids, she has placed me in an awkward position where it looks to them like I tore the family apart for a two-way argument.  That said, I'm not going to tear myself up over it.  I'm going to give the evaluator a big pile of awful evidence.  Big enough that I feel bad for the impact on my wife.  I am going to tell the whole truth, pulling no punches, and after telling that truth, I am prepared to deal with a wide variety of outcomes.

kells76, thanks for this thought.  I think I may simply not mention 50/50.  If I'm asked, I'll be honest about it.  But I think my starting position would be to say that I want it to be safe, that I want her to stay connected to her mom, but that I want her to have a strong home base and not feel strung out in order to meet adult needs.  I may also express a desire to repair my relationship with D12 after all the alienation that has already occurred, and my willingness to put my career on hold to make that a priority (read: I want more time with her for now for some healing).

Thank you both for helping me talk this through and refine my approach, I think you've helped me shape it a bit for the better.

RC

Do you mean "at most 50/50 with Tie Breaker" or is "50/50 with Tie Breaker" your end goal?

Is she has been looking bad to the court, you can't risk Gifting Away whatever authority and valid advantage you have.  She's on supervised status for a reason.  Perhaps I write it too often but our Nice Guy and Nice Gal sense of sharing, fixing, etc is what often got us into this mess or, better said, let us live weak parenting roles for so long.  She may very well have been 50% involved with making this child, but you know you're the more stable and sharing parent.

I recall what my Custody Evaluator wrote in his initial report (before she lost us son's pediatrician who decided to Withdraw Services):  "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can... .Mother should immediately lose her temporary custody... .If Shared Parenting is attempted and fails then Father should have custody... ."  Well, we did try Shard Parenting as all the professionals wished.  Didn't work.  It took 3 years to become Legal Guardian.  Still didn't work because the GAL wanted ex to keep equal time so she could get child support.  It took nearly 3 more years to get majority time during the school year.  As with many members here, our ex-spouses were quite entitled and controlling, with alienation and manipulation mixed in.

What is my message?  If you Gift Away too much, especially early in the case, and things aren't as rosy as you had hoped they'd be, it may take more years and $$$ to undo the Gifting.  In my case, my ex started with custody and majority time in the temp orders.  It took 8 years to get to a status that worked.  He was 3 when we separated, nearly 12 when life became less high conflict.  You have a surprisingly good start to a bad time, a divorce, though it is already better and should keep getting better over time.  While you can't stop the professionals from their do-good mission to reintegrate mother, beware that reaching for 50/50 is like juggling knives or chainsaws.  Caution is advised.  Let her earn what she gets.  Many professionals would counsel that a person with BPD or other acting-out disorder would do better with shorter visits.  In time you and the professionals can get a sense of how much time, and how frequent the visits, is okay for her to manage parenting well (or at least not too badly).  There is real risk that as she gets more time her entitlement and need to control and criticize will return.

My lawyer was never comfortable with my ex having too long a time with our son.  Post divorce we started a 2-2-3 schedule where she had Mon-Tue overnights, I had Wed-Thu overnight and we alternated the weekends.  So he was never away from me for more than 5 days.  I wanted the court to make our 50/50 time a 7-7 schedule where we each had a week on and a week off.  I reasoned our in-person exchanges were so high conflict that fewer exchanges would be better.  But my lawyer asked, ":)o you really want the court to think that you're comfortable with her having longer periods with your son (to disparage you, court's words)?"

Forever_Dad, thanks very much for the input!  I had halfway figured out what you are saying, but still probably was being too agreeable.  What I mean to say is that, in the limit, where I hope this could go, is 50/50 custody with me having tiebreaker authority.  I don't know the future of the marriage yet, but if we were to split, I'd like to be able to start a new life, and also would want my daughter to benefit from a lot of time with her mom.

But your advice to make my wife earn the time really resonates.  She was saying that she should get credit for going to a couple months of therapy sessions, as if just showing up was a sufficient sign of progress.

I posted an update on the events of the day at the end of another thread:
https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=320499.0

So, the danger here for me, is that when I meet with the evaluator, I talk too much about my rosy 50/50 picture.  I think I should be saying that I support my daughter maintaining a relationship with her mom, but want to be very conservative and make sure that any time tracks with my wife's progress in accountability.  Does that sound about right?

RC

I would "flip" this towards a proposal for the growth of your daughter.

Be able to explain where you think she is at now (the good and "others) and how you see the next 6 months, year, 2 years going to move your daughter towards those goals.

Assume your wife stays on supervised visitation.

Then, with sort of a "wouldn't it be helpful if my wife could demonstrate xyz so that she would be able to abc in my daughters life.  In general I think it best to approach these things positively, vice my wife is bad and having this bad influence on my daughter.

Thoughts?

FF

I so admire how self-reflective you are, RC. To be so strong and vulnerable at the same time is a remarkable feat, especially with your family in such a place of transition and uncertainty.

Something I see in your thinking that reminds me of my process, too, when I was at your stage -- you are almost two separate and simultaneous selves right now. One is emerging, the other represents old ways.

When I read your posts, I can see that you want the best for D12, and I can also see that you aren't sure how best to do that.

What do you feel sure of when it comes to D12 and what she needs?
What are you unsure about?

Maybe start there so you can isolate where there might be some emotions in conflict, to help you sort out what you believe is truly best.


This jujitsu parenting article by Dr. Craig Childress is gold. www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=63&TID=6&FN=pdf

It will walk you through ways to talk to the evaluator. And then, beyond that, learn ways to communicate with D12 (to help repair the alienation).

I did some work with a family therapist (couple years ago) to help this.  I was surprised by his recommendations and how well it worked.

1.  Listen and understand the kid, even if all they are saying is BPD BS.   Although you make a mental note.

2.  Day or two later in sort of an "oh by the way" kinda thing you mention the thought and suggest an alternate way to look at it.  Nudge them to look at the issue from another perspective. 

Basically the "knowledge gaps" need to be filled in, but very gently and in a way that lets them connect the dots.  If they don't "exactly" connect them the way you want... that's ok.

FF

livednlearned, thanks for all the feedback and ideas!  I will definitely look at that Childress reference, thanks!  I am sure that D12 is bonded to both parents, and needs both of us.  Her behavior alternates between sweet and nasty/disrespectful, not too surprising for any D12.  I am unsure how much of her behavior is driven by stress or disrespect for me because I've split up the family.  But a thing I'm sure of is that I have lots of daily opportunities to bond with her and meet her needs.  I have been, and need to get even better at, taking advantage of these opportunities.  The book my therapist recommended, "Transforming the Difficult Child:  The Nurtured Heart Approach," talks about making neutral or positive observational statements to your kids as many times a day as possible to show them you're engaged with what they're doing (and not to ask a lot of questions, which bugs them).

formflier, thanks for the advice about talking to the evaluator.  Yes, I need to strike a balance.  If I'm not careful, I actually could be too positive about her parenting.  When she is not being abusive, she has some amazing, best-in-class parenting behaviors.  90% of her interactions around parenting are great.  It's just that the other 10% are so wildly inappropriate that they've netted her the supervised visit requirement.  So, I can genuinely say that she has some very good parenting behaviors I want D12 to benefit from, while not being exposed to the bad ones.  One of my growth goals for D12 is for her to be part of a household where everyone is treated with respect all of the time, which is not the situation we had before the restraining order.  That means D12 gets respect, and gives respect.

formflier, thanks as well for the advice on dealing with bad behaviors.  That dovetails with some of the other things I've been learning.  A frontal attack on bad behavior rarely works.  Giving them a rise (dad getting angry with steam coming out his ears) gives them a major payoff in terms of attention, even if it's negative.  That reminds me of one of my favorite movie scenes, from Inside Out, when the dad "puts the foot down:"
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Cjgdiy_SGjA
If you've never watched the movie, those characters are the emotions inside the daughter's, mom's, and dad's heads.  I have totally screwed up like that dad before!

RC

Your job is not to be your wife's advocate, it's to be your daughters advocate, which is an extension of advocating for your parenting values that led you to the place of the RO.

Keep that front and center, although present it as a solvable issue (with appropriate accountability and hard work on your wife's part).

Trust that your wife can advocate for herself... .(remember the no rescuing piece).

If asked directly about the good stuff she does I would describe it neutrally (leave amazing out of it) and accurately. 

We know that the bad stuff you are describing is not weighted equally with the good stuff.  Kinda like 1 invalidation = 10 validations.

Looking at this from a different point of view.  Is it your role to provide a "normal" mother to your daughter? 

FF

Except, you're in the game now    You have third-party professionals shining light on your situation. Most professionals are already strongly inclined to get kids and parents back to normal routines. If you want supervised visitation, emphasize the part that makes a case for why. Let mom advocate for herself, and you advocate for D12. If you believe supervised visitation is important, you'll probably have to fight for it more than you may think.

You have a slight advantage right now that you won't want to give up lightly.

If anything, overreach. You can always walk it back later after things stabilize, and especially as your own healing progresses and views on healthy parenting may change.

The system is a blunt instrument. Even when you have caring professionals involved, talk is talk until you get the ruling and find out how imperfect it is.  

 

I feel for you, RC.

You're in the pinch of trying to decide whether to stay or leave your marriage, and I imagine that thought process is influencing how you view her parenting abilities, too.

From a child's perspective, tho, calculating what percentage of time mom is abusive is a rationalization -- D12 is probably working 100 percent to heal the parts that hurt
 

formflier, I liked this, all of it.  On target.  Thanks.  I especially liked this part:

[I added the bold and underline.]

And as for this question:
Short answer, "no."  One of my roles is to use the legal framework and support resources in place to protect my daughter from inappropriate mothering behaviors.  I also want to allow good mothering to reach my daughter, understanding that we might have a bit of a shortfall there as we move conservatively and slowly to assess things and adapt to any improvements.  The hiring of the custody evaluator is a great step for me in "outsourcing" things and getting out of the business of trying to figure out how my wife is doing with her stuff.

RC

Thank you, livednlearned!  Your input and formflier's lines up nicely w.r.t. me being the advocate for D12.  Thanks, I agree about erring slightly on the aggressive side, and then potentially walking it back.

One thing you guys haven't seen is the amount of documentation I delivered.  Typing on my phone for 15 months for a few minutes each time things went crazy stacked up to 110 single spaced journal pages (there was a lot of crazy).  None of it is petty.  I didn't bother writing down any unhealthy things, only red-flag over the top stuff.  So I suppose I feel like I don't want to appear to be a documentation crazyman.  But in the intro to the journal summaries, I already explained why I wrote everything down -- as a coping mechanism and because I was terrified of not being believed.  So, in the end, I'm agreeing with you, I should mostly shut up and let the documentation speak for itself.  Use my talk time with the evaluator to talk about the positive values of respect I want in our home, and let my wife make her own case.

RC

I would think, ask your T to be sure, that presenting it "dispassionately" or with a bit of honesty of "I didn't know what to do and my T said journal... .next thing you know there is a RO and 110 pages."

The pattern, in addition to crazy, that I would think/hope would come out, is that issues have to be solved by you, often overcoming your wife's "issues".

The hope would be that any report acknowledges this and points wife in a direction to be a more "capable" partner.  Either the oversight will show the has improved (and therefore your life has improved) or it will be shown she hasn't improved (in which you stay status quo).

Thoughts?

FF

My guess is that the evaluator is going to be interested in whatever documentation you have. And in that documentation, he or she is probably going to be looking for signs of mom-D12 abusive behaviors. Some of the mom-RC abuse will be influential, but it might be a footnote, since it could be argued that the abuse will tone done with you two no longer living under the same roof.

So it's tricky. On one hand, mom-RC abuse is not good for D12. But that might go away, theoretically. On the other hand, there are mom-D12 abusive patterns to identify.

How much of your documentation focuses on mom-D12 abuse (including parental alienation)?

Summaries are invaluable. I made mine quantitative -- I went through the journal and coded every type of behavior I logged -- verbal abuse, physical abuse, threats, etc. The raw numbers were damning.

It had taken a year to get my son's therapy records.  She had taken him to a local children's agency after we separated.  They refused outright to allow me to be involved or even get information.  I filed the request form.  No, I was likely to be a danger to my child or others.  Next time in court the magistrate said I had statutory rights and to try again.  I did but received a photocopy of the prior reply.  Next time in court the magistrate got then-stbEx to agree to file whatever paperwork needed for me to get access.  Crickets.  So with my lawyer's misgivings I filed for release of his records.  I sat outside the hearing room but I heard laughter.  I got the Order and within 2 days I had 200+ pages of records with nothing redacted.  However, absent was my very first letter handed to them explaining we were in court and wanting to help and be involved as a parent.

So I put all 200 pages into a binder with stickies everywhere noting inaccuracies and outright lies and gave it to the Custody Evaluator.  In his initial report shared with the main judge and lawyers he noted I was going beyond need in noting every detail.  However, he came down even harder on stbEx, "Mother cannot share 'her' child but Father can."

So you can be detailed, just don't look obsessed?

I like the summary idea.  Think executive summary (1 or 2 pages) on top of the entire record.  They can refer to the actual record if need be.  More than likely the summary will be convincing enough.

FF

flourdust -- I didn't turn in the actual journal.  I have a spreadsheet that needs 11x17 paper to fit on that has every journal date for over a year, and misbehaviors classified into categories, with marks for which behaviors occurred on which dates.  I used this to drive my summaries but decided the actual spreadsheet might look a little over the top to an evaluator.  What I actually turned in was summaries of my journal, with dated bullet points for each incident, separated under a heading for each of the categories.  My lawyer said it took her about 20 minutes to skim it, and I think a detailed read is easy in less than an hour.  My lawyer thought it was rock solid.  I feel like I've been able to accurately represent what happened, so feel good about that.

I just got off the phone with my lawyer, who explained some small changes in the process, but nothing alarming.  Ironically, while the forensic therapist and my regular therapist are crystal clear that they don't think I should go back to the relationship, my lawyer says not to give up hope, the therapy might work.  How ironic is that?

RC

You've been married for a couple decades already and in all that time you weren't able to get her into meaningful recovery.  Partly you didn't know what you were dealing with and what strategies would work better.  Partly too BPD is a mood dysregulation disorder and the close relationship make BPD vastly more evident.  Things are different now.  There's always hope she might improve.  But it's a long shot.  You've been here for a year already.  You've learned a lot.  But a fact many have faced here is that we can't fix the other person, maybe the changed circumstances will be enough to get her to take a path toward meaningful recovery, or maybe not.  You can't count on lasting recovery.  But even if it doesn't happen, the orders and schedules issued by the court are a framework that should help you to end or limit the past roller coaster cycling.

RC,

Are your wife's visits supervised by the same person in a professional context? Someone who has been taking notes during the visitation sessions? Would there be any way to incorporate that feedback into the assessment? Also, has she been ordered to take any type of parenting classes? (Simply completing these classes does not mean anything btw; my h completed a 12 week parenting class and still indirectly put my s2 in harm's way due to his abusive and reckless behavior towards me when raging). I agree, your wife should earn what she gets in terms of parenting. She may be a great parent 90%, but the other 10% can do some real damage.

Best of luck,

Redeemed

Very ironic!

How experienced is your lawyer?  If he hasn't faced a high conflict divorce where serious PDs are involved, he may not realize what an uphill struggle real therapy would be.  Has he proven by past advice and strategies that he knows what he's dealing with?

My lawyer is very experienced.  She is not as strong on PDs as my therapist, obviously, so you are right that she may overestimate the potential for healing.  My read on the situation is just that she is a family lawyer who understands the pain of divorce and its finality, and ethically doesn't want to push anyone into it, in fact, slightly resists it.  My lawyer has a reputation for toughness, and is prepared for a high conflict case.  I worked with her for a year before the restraining order, a half hour every few months when I needed to touch base with her after threats from my wife.  She's solid -- get this, I bought her a copy of Splitting, and said she kept it in her bathroom and read it.  Now that's a funny image!  Kinda not the image you want of your lawyer, but I suppose lawyers need to use the bathroom too.  And, she read it, and said she found that it was helpful to put in perspective some of the high conflict cases she's seen in her practice.

Anyway, my lawyer's optimism is a moot point now.  Here's a cut and paste of an update I just posted on my Bettering thread:

Thank you, everyone for all of your support.  Tonight, I received a copy of a letter from BPDw and her lawyer to our custody evaluator, full of lies and exaggerations, accusing me of abuse.  I should not be shocked, but I am.  I had held out naive hope that she would accept the facts as I'd presented them, and with the help of the evaluator, we could chart a course towards fuller parenting for her.  It was never about fighting against her, or harming her, or winning.  It was about telling the truth so we all can heal and she can get back to parenting.  I took so much physical and emotional abuse, and despite that remained nonviolent.  I am deeply proud of my commitment and ability to control myself under terrible conditions.  So to face these distortions is like a body blow.  This development changes everything.  I have just been plunged into combat and into mourning for our marriage at the same time.  I will fight this war on two fronts:  the legal front, and the love front.  I'm meeting with my therapist tomorrow to talk about how to double down on positive parenting.  I will win this freaking war with love.  I suppose I am going to make love and war.

RC

RC,

Sorry man.

I hope you can get to a place where you can work through a response (that you may or may not send) to the letter in a businesslike way.

Hopefully your L can guide you in if a specific response is needed.  Many times it is better to have the conversation you want to have, and if someone if trying to have another wacky conversation, it's best not to join.

Let it speak for itself.

Was the letter "dispassionate and factual" or was it typical BPD weirdness.

FF

My lawyer didn't bother with specific disorders, he just sometimes called her crazy and if particularly upset with her called her unmentionable words.  He was more or less the type of lawyer that Bill Eddy in his SPLITTING handbook advocates, experienced and a problem solver.  While I felt he didn't challenge the court enough to address her obstructive behaviors, he did get me to my goal without too much in the way of delays.

Courts typically studiously avoid getting bad stories into the record, my observation, that way they have more flexibility in making decisions that follow standard procedures and policies rather than the specific needs of the case at hand.  And with BPD (and other acting out PDs) in the mix, specific strategies are needed.

Thanks, formflier and ForeverDad, the letter was what you would get when you combine BPD distortions with a lawyer trying to fight back against a crushing amount of documentation with whatever rocks she could grab.  My wife is alleging physical abuse, which I find very upsetting, as any bruises she got, she got while assaulting me!  I'll spare you the details, but my self control in the face of physical and verbal abuse was epic.

It wasn't too hard to realize that what I should not do is answer the letter point for point.  I haven't heard from my lawyer yet.  I can think of two options -- either ignore it, or answer with a letter of a page or less that doesn't get into the weeds (e.g. talking about my discipline w.r.t. nonviolence, how I view this not as a win-lose but as an effort to figure out what's best for our daughters, etc.).  Essentially, use the letter's momentum against it.  Or, just let it stand out there and look silly without replying.  Now that I think about it, Eddy may have said something about when it's important not to let accusations go unanswered -- I will reread that, and see what my lawyer says. 

Another possibility is to just leave any response to the letter to my interview with the custody evaluator, and before that, to work out my response with my lawyer.

For the last few days, I've been ignoring the letter and concentrating on other stuff.

Thank you for the support!

RC

Third option:  Use your letter to ask about specific details and explanations... .basically, give her more rope.

"Thanks for this information.  For further clarification, how is it that my client, who you allege (fill in blank) was awarded custody and your client is on an RO?  "

Perhaps make it more specific.

I would only answer specific points with rebuttal if you can "prove it".

FF

One small difference might be that you are not in criminal court for false allegations of DV, and the CE is not a judge.

I'm curious what your L will say. It's a bit concerning that your L has mentioned the hope of reconciliation. I cannot imagine an L saying that to a battered wife, especially given the evidence and documentation you have shared. Unless your L is mirroring back your own thinking, if reconciliation is something you said... .

Even tho the CE is not a judge, it's good to think in advance how you want to phrase things. Just like with BPD, how you say things can make a big difference.

"I read my wife's letter and my concern is that she is very emotionally dysregulated right now. While I cannot tell if she actually believes these false allegations, I do know she won't have any evidence because none of this ever happened. What I'm more concerned about when I read this letter is the possibility she is disassociating, or is severely emotionally dysregulated, which makes me worried for the girls. My hope is that intensive treatment with a licensed psychiatrist will get my wife the help she needs so that eventually, one day, she is well enough to be a good mom."

One thought I've expressed now and then is when I consider there is risk the member may slip back into the ending relationship.  Then what would the professionals think, that they wasted their time and energy for nothing?

This is a solid response.

Doesn't get into a point by point rebuttal, but states a truth a... ."point of view". 

Maybe add "perhaps the stress of the restraining order and lack of treatment has contributed to this... ."

FF

I want to be careful about putting too much in writing.  I also want to be especially careful when working with the evaluator to not appear to be diagnosing my wife or to be a know-it-all.  I will have one, probably two interviews with the evaluator.  The points you've made in the suggested response, I think I'll put as talking points in my prep notes, then I can call audibles once I get in front of the evaluator and see how it's going.

I may write up a response just to work things through on my own, but am not going to worry about it overly much until I talk with my lawyer.  I'll post updates, though for security reasons, may lag real events by a bit, and I may not feel comfortable giving much detail until things are more settled.

RC

My first custody evaluator interview has been scheduled for Monday.  An hour and a half.  I'm glad it's on the calendar now, and am looking forward to moving ahead with everything, though I'm nervous.  I'll reread this thread several times, and prepare talking points for myself (prioritized on a "cheat sheet" that's simple enough to use as an aid in a give-and-take conversation, not just a huge bullet list).

Thank you everyone for all the feedback, advice, and encouragement!

RC

Good luck, RC! I know you will feel some relief when the initial interview is over. You sound extremely prepared. Give us an update when you can.

Blessings and peace,

Redeemed

RC,

What is your opening going to be like?

When she says "tell me about yourself"... ."tell me about your family... ", what is the elevator pitch.  2 min... hit the high points.  Remember to wrap it up with something about the broad direction you want to go in.

FF

formflier, awesome question!  Good timing, too, I was just typing the opening on my "cheat sheet" for the interview.  I hadn't thought to be prepared for a question as general as the two you mentioned.  I can definitely prepare a tight response for both of those, and it won't be hard to make my enthusiasm for being a dad the most prominent part of it.

This is what I currently have typed at the top of my cheat sheet:

OPENING -- I am not driving for a particular solution.  I made an excruciating decision to get a restraining order to stop the violence, control, and other abuse.  The thing that finally drove me to seek help was when BPDw actively drew D12 into the conflict and justified/denied violence to her.  I am asking for help.  I am deeply concerned about parental alienation, as well as normalization of violent and abusive behavior.

GOAL --  Create the healthiest solution for the children

That's about a 15 second opening.  Not a bad idea for me to create and practice a two minute opening, and then flex depending on how the evaluator starts off.

After the opening, I've got a bunch of talking points, but expect to be following the evaluator's lead.  Likely the talking points will end up coming out as answers to the evaluator's questions. 

Looking at your suggestion about "broad direction" I think even my shortest opening needs to have a statement from me about the fact that fatherhood to me comes before all other priorities.  I will arrange my work and the rest of my life around whatever the kids need, and view that as my highest responsibility in life.  OK, I just added this to the short opening:

PRIORITY -- Fatherhood to me comes before all other priorities.  I will arrange my work and the rest of my life around whatever the kids need, and view that as my highest calling in life.

Thoughts?  Advice?

RC

I would describe your marriage and family a bit first, then perhaps talk about how changes started to happen that you didn't understand, perhaps describe an incident or two where you began to realize this was something new and you had to act, perhaps after reflecting and having your wife deny things that clearly happened or you had proof of.

Perhaps say something about getting a RO as a last resort and that you wish you had acted earlier (i'm iffy on that last part).

The reason to say you wish you had acted earlier is that your real point is you were not prepared (who is?) and have been sucking up as much knowledge as possible about how to

1.  protect your daughter

2.  evaluate if wife is making progress for potential reconcile.

3  Make yourself a better person and parenting (be reflective here about how you may have unknowingly contributed or "ignored signs"

Perhaps work in the word boundaries somewhere, since your wife was denying things you had to act with what you believed you could control... thankfully the courts agreed.

I would shoot for about a minute... .perhaps under a bit.

FF

RC,

If you can, read Craig Childress's jujitsu parenting ahead of this meeting. He has really specific and helpful language, with explanations for why that language is important, when talking about parental alienation, including not using the words parental alienation.


Your job is to keep D12 safe, and you could no longer do that with the escalating violence in the home. Not physically, and certainly not emotionally.

Read jujitsu parenting.

Childress is the leading expert in the nation. He understands the intersection of the "normal range parent", the custody evaluation/courts, and BPD parents better than anyone else.

www.drcachildress.org/asp/admin/getFile.asp?RID=63&TID=6&FN=pdf

formflier, I'm pretty well aligned with you, so your feedback is helpful to make some final tweaks.  Changes I've made since we last talked are pretty well in line with what you've said.  Thanks for helping me to refine things!

livednlearned, thanks for the very candid encouragement to read Jujitsu Parenting.  I am printing it now, and have some down time tomorrow when I can read and absorb it.  Thanks for explicitly calling out that I shouldn't use "parental alienation."  I would have walked right into that trap.  It's about time for me to read this stuff.  I'm starting to understand that I need to adjust from the hopes that my wife's distortions will get better and that the powers that be can protect us from her distorted thinking.  I'll be dealing with this long after the lawyers and evaluators have faded away, so it's time for me to transition to long-term skill building.

RC

formflier, thanks, I'm scanning my cheat sheet and making sure I've incorporated all the bits from this thread that I can, and just added the above three items.

Hi RC,

I hope everything went well yesterday. Just sending hugs and support!  

Redeemed

Thanks, Redeemed!

Yesterday went fine, and more meetings today that also seemed to go fine.  Various things will be going on over the next few weeks.  It will be about three weeks before everything is done.  I'm going to concentrate on all the other things I have to do in the meanwhile, though I will be fairly apprehensive until it's over.  And when it's over, it won't really be over!  We will be adjusting to changes, or reacting to people's reactions if it stays the same.

Thank you everyone for all of the support and advice, it made a huge difference!  I went in with five pages of notes, folded over to keep the focus on the evaluator.  I never unfolded them.  I did the intro from memory, and her questions hit most of the stuff I had.  There's enough left over that I'll try to meet with her again, making sure I've covered all of my concerns that are pertinent (just listening to her questions I was able to better understand her focus and eliminate questions and talking points that were not relevant).

RC

Solid work!

How would you describe her focus?  Are you surprised at the focus?

FF

No surprises, really.  She is focused on the near term, and on D12.  For D12 goals I was thinking the next few years, and she pulled me in to the next few months.

RC