BPDFamily.com

Hello everyone,

I need your help in trying to understand everything. My ex bf has BPD, we dated for 3 months till we had to transition to a long distance relationship for 5 months, where we would see each other every weekend or every 2 weeks, the due date was May, after my graduation, hopefully finding a job closer to him to finally be together. Everything was fine in our relationship, we had a couple of episodes where we broke up due to an intense fight and disagreement of all kinds. Last weekend I went to visit him, we went out with his friends, we spend a day cuddling together and everything! Then on Sunday morning he mentions he thinks is best for us to have an open relationship bc we are insured of what's the future like about me finding a job closer, I haven't found a job yet . I refused to that idea, he also mentioned he doesn't believe all this time apart I didn't cheat on him, and well I couldn't do anything more than just say no I haven't. I also said why now? He puts a lot of pressure on me on trying to find a job over there and it is really stressful for me, with my current t job and school. We left the subject there, for some reason, a 3rd person in the story didn't come up in my mind. Once I left, he brought the subject up again and I got frustrated and said either you want me and just me or you can just be single and have as many as you want. He said he didn't want to lose me but distance was too difficult for him and he would only be doing this for fun and when we get closer we would close the relationship back again and continue with our future plans of being together forever. I refused to that again, and he said well I guess we will have to break up now then. This was tuesday and I just found out today Thursday, that he is out on a date with someone else. I also got his Valentine's day gift on the mail saying that he loves me, he sent it before the break up. I have not talked to him since Tuesday and not planning to but I just can't understand how everything changed to fast. Does he think we would get back together? That I will wait for him? Will he ever text me back? OH! He also said he cannot support me on moving closer just for him because he is not sure that we will work out since we only dated for 9 months. So everything he said about being together for longer was bs? Did he fell out of love and started dating this other girl already? He did mention to me that he met me after a week of breaking up with this other trashy girl, he confessed that after 5 months of dating tho. I am not sure what to think, I do love him and  had plans of being with him forever but I am scared he will do this again or worst to me. What do you guys think?

 

Welcome, XYZ.  Just wanted to make sure that you know you are heard.  I read your story, and see that you are very distressed.  I am sorry you're feeling this way.  It's painful to be toyed with in the manner in which your SO is playing with you.  It sounds like he can either take you or leave you, and is letting you know that.

Although this is painful to know, it is good information for you to have, because now you can decide if you wish to proceed opening your heart to someone who is treating you this way and who will, most likely, do so in the future.

Has your boyfriend actually been diagnosed with BPD by a professional?  Is he aware of BPD?


I think you just drove that nail right on home. Tread very cautiously with this guy, XYZ, as he doesn't seem to know what in the heck he wants and/or needs in a relationship, especially one with you.

Stick around the site.  There's much to learn and ponder.  Keep writing it out here, if it helps.


-Speck

Hi Speck,

Thanks for answering. Yes, he was diagnosed not long ago actually a month before he started dating me he said. He was so much better when he was having therapy every week. Now, he only goes once a month because he said he was improving, but i told him he needs to go back to it again since I noticed some bad changes. I am not sure if I was part of his improvement, or if he was faking it all the time. We left things unclear, the last text he sent me was to flip things out, he said he was "doing this for me because it is best for me to be free to pick and choose my future as I want without making him feel pressure about being together if we get to be closer". I never replied, everything he says is so hurtful at this point and I am starting to think everything was a lie. We were so good at the beginning, we always have excellent sex, but there is something there that is not meeting his needs, I am not sure if it is only the distance anymore. He is a high functioning pwBPD and I don't know till what degree he has all the symptoms. Not sure if I should contact hijm to have closure either, I am in a black hole I feel. I just don't know what is best to do.

 

Okay, I understand; he has been officially diagnosed as suffering with BPD.  However, as long as he is not being intentional and mindful about coping with BPD (weekly therapy sessions), then YOU will invariably also suffer if you continue to engage with this person. 


It sounds like he is giving you an "out" here.


Yes.  And that truly sucks.  Sometimes, the best course of action is to step aside and allow the verbal barrage to fall outside of the bulls eye (YOU) for the purposes of damage control and self-preservation.


Probably not everything... .

In my experience with my uBPDw, I've come to realize this:  Although BPD sufferers may indeed mean what they do or say when they do certain actions or say certain words, over time, those actions and words (or the sentiment behind them) will fade or even change completely!  It's as if their actions and words are not sustainable, and therefore cannot be relied upon.

It's hard to build a lasting relationship out of that... .


I would advise you to just do what you feel is in YOUR best interest.  But remember, sometimes, no words can say everything for you without you putting yourself and your emotions through a grinder.


Take very good care of you.


-Speck