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What causes the shifts between the  waif / queen / hermit / ... .is it a time thing, or an age things... .or what... .
I think mine is in hermit modes now... .but i have definitely seen the waif and queen... .just never knew which one to expect

Nature of the beast. It’s a constant cycle of disregulation. They have no sense of self and are not able to identify themselves within.

Hi dumpsterdog,

That’s an interesting question. Every pwBPD are different some display more qualities than other qualities my exuBPDw’s dominate traits are Waif / Queen it’s a consistent pattern although she’s is controlling like Queen she can display that she’s helpless and wants sympathy. I’ve never seen Hermit and I triggered Witch once, you don’t want to trigger Witch.

Im just speaking from experience and as I said earlier every members experience is different just like their pwBPD I don’t want to generalize I think it depends on her needs and wants my ex tends to over-control her environment because she’s feeling out of control internally the effect is balance and equilibrium for her emotions, it’s a coping mechanism which puts strains on r/s’s.

When she needs something then I’ll see Waif, it could mean dependency on others to do things for her or it could be attention seeking.

Interesting that i left out " witch " in my question... .i think because 70 % or time it was " witch " and any one of the other three personalities seemed like a pleasant diversion for me.!

Another thig i was just remembering and thinking on... .It seems like any of her other attachments never liked me for some reason... .I mean she had a couple of steadyd girlfriends ( like they would get together regularly for coffee, meeting to see a bnad etc... )... .and it seemed like they were all compartmentalized,,,like one at a time spenidn time together with " vixen ": ( my ex )... .but when ever one of these girls would be at the house in my presencem they would totaly ignor me, or be kind of snide and oblivious to my presence, and whenever they would invite " Vixen " to do things , they would never even consider having me around, almost as if they were in competition with me for her... .strange... .is thbis maybe a bi  crush thing./ Like jealousy because they wanted her... .also I think these freinds were " a little off " too in some way... .just a weird dynamic... .I think my ex may have gotten confused with these bi's trying to " flip her "... .I know at least one of them was activiley trying to convince her that " you dont need a man if you have a good vibrator type thins "... .and then she got involved with some feminst " women of power " type meetups in Vegas and I think that was all about " girl power, who needs a man " as well... .are these all signs that she was beiing recruited by the LGB crowd... "?

Im just trying to put all the pieces together, the more I think back, the more it seems like so many things were actively working against me, for years.

I personally believe that their primary "mode" (either witch, waif, hermit or queen) depends upon whom they primarily attach to and whether that person responds more to helplessness, fear or guilt... .or (F)ear, (O)bligation and (G)uilt aka F.O.G.

So when they are around loved ones who respond more to Fear, then the witch mode is the more effective mode.  If they are around love ones who respond more to Obligation, being a demanding queen gets the job done.  And if their loved ones respond mostly to feeling guilty when their BPD loved one (especially mother) is isolated (hermit) or helpless (waif) then their mode shifts accordingly.

What can change is who their favorite person is at any one time.  And when their favorite person changes, so does their personality and so does their mode.

Ive wondered before as to why the three types happen. Personally I think co-morbidity with other disorders dictates which type is prominent. I.e. the witch and ASD, the queen and NPD, the hermit and AVP.

Another thing to bare in mind is that pwBPD are good at learning what works. From an early age children learn to manipulate parents. Temper tantrums to get what they want, tears to gain sympathy etc. This could also be in play with the mode switching.