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Greetings, I am going on 8 weeks of no contact, the fog is starting to lift more and more, I feel pretty good. I have posted before about my exes behavior following the break up. I know before I went no contact my ex created many instances of triangulation and played the jealousy game to the extreme. It climaxed on New years eve when she had the new partner harass me on social media. I showed no reaction, went no contact and it seemed like that would be the end of it. I still have her blocked, and for the last few weeks, I have heard from people about certain posts she has been putting out on her social media. The whole idea behind people informing me was due to the fact that a while back, she accused me of stalking her, it was posted on her Facebook, so people just want to look out for me. Anyways, her Facebook used to be private, you would only see photos that were previous profile pics or cover photos, and a select view of featured photos. Also you would not see any specific posts on her page, it would all be private. So curiosity took over and I decided to look at her page through a friends. Sure enough she had put out some posts for public view, also added pics for public view of her and the new partner. The posts included interaction between her and the new partner, which involved some sexual innuendos, which I am sure was on purpose, one thing I did notice was that some of this Facebook activity was on February 8th, which happened to be my birthday, it was also the day she added a cozy pic of her and the new boyfriend. Other posts included stuff about relationships not working out, break ups, and some of it I think was directed at me. I have heard that this is common BPD behavior to push my buttons, or make me jealous, or get a reaction out of me etc. But would it still be going on so long after a break up? I left in September. I may be paranoid, but if she is in fact doing what I think she is doing, what would be the motive? Why now? I mean it seems to have happened suddenly, Should I expect more to happen? Only reason I am asking is because she already accused me of stalking her, she had the boyfriend harass me, and I really don't want to deal with anymore drama. Does their behavior tend to die down then pick back up suddenly when you least expect it? Any thoughts would be appreciated.

Hi Maxpax2011  

That's an interesting situation.

Yes, attempts to push a non's buttons after a breakup seem common.

That places you at about 4 months from the breakup.

I don't know.
Maybe it's the birthday.
Your birthday provides one piece of context.
I would use this more as a marker for "most recent engagement", rather than the 4 months. I think 8 weeks is a goodly amount of time, and it does take some character on the part of the non to avoid getting drawn in to the engagement attempts. I think that's a cautious "well done" so far.  :)

I think if you've come this far, it's going to be about maintaining what you've set out to do. From my relationship, I expected more to happen, and took steps to avoid it. I think the point is to avoid any interaction or her observation of a response from you.

It helps to place yourself in her position to see what she would do to observe you, then block that pathway. For example, my ex liked to get on my devices and read the things held there. So, she could reasonably get access to my accounts from outside where we lived. Thus, some things I did were: changing all my passwords; email, facebook, etc. Even the old accounts you use to backup the current accounts. This is not to punish her--it works best when it actually comes from a place where you've chosen you don't want this person in your life, and then getting it.

There was a member here that mentioned that you can see current browsing history on old television systems by shared accounts, so it might help you to physically walk your house to see if there's any points.  :)

A lot of this has to do with maintaining the momentum of this how you want it to go. Generally, when a person doesn't observe responses and things like that, it reduces their attention on you, and gives you a more helpful "environment" to continue your conscious disconnection.

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I'm right with you there.  :)

Aside from the pwBPD in your life, have there been any developments in your life since the breakup? You mentioned you had a dog, how is he?  :)

My dog is doing a lot better, he is more happy now that we are not living there anymore, he was confined to the crate most of time as she was not find of him, but he is happy. I have since been going to the gym, I go to therapy once a week, I am busy with school, paid off all my debt. I started dating cautiously . I do make sure I avoid the places she may go, I don't associate with any of her friends or family, I make sure to keep my life private. So that she knows nothing about what I am currently doing. I am not sure where her mindset would be at, everything she has done since the break up has been very surprising to me. I am not sure what she would do to try and get at me so to speak. I was even surprised that she is doing what she is doing on social media, even when they started dating she did not make anything for public view, just the relationship status. That is why I found it odd to be happening out of the blue like this. I know from speaking to her during the relationship and from her social circle that she would go out of her way to keep tabs on all of her exes, that she would reach out to them at point, I know this from the fact that she has all her exes on her Facebook.  I am just curious if I continue to ignore her antics, and maintain no contact, will she eventually go away or will she try something else. It doesn't help that we live in the same town, so I am bound to run into her sooner or later. I think that is why her ex-husband moved to the other side of the state after the divorce ha! Did things escalate with your ex? What was the end result? Did you have to take any extreme measures?

Good.  :)

Well done.   |iiii

Good.

This makes sense. Me too, if I didn't want to associate with someone, then I'd avoid the places where they might be.

Yes, of course some people want to physically escape being around the ex.  :)

If this is what you think may happen, then I think it's prudent to have a basic plan if she does it.

I'm glad to hear you have all these positive developments in your life. It can be so refreshing to have survived one of these things.

Escalating--I got some advice and what I could do. Thankfully no children = less obligations. Benefit of this advice was discovering that the public court had reasons to prosecute her, arrest, court, etc. Good chance of "success". I weighed the alternatives and decided not to pursue it. Part of living per my values is seeing that it wasn't my obligation to make the boat do anything. Legal help is heaps expensive too.

End result--we stopped contact except when I tried to get some property back from her. Didn't get it--I discontinued it.

Extreme measures--thankfully no. I didn't have strong safety concerns despite her violent behaviour.

I lost a lot of things, but I still got the best result and more--heaps to be grateful for.  :)

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I encourage you to bring things up around your feelings with others / mental health stuff that aren't the pwBPD. A lot of good things come after these relationships.  I think the learning board is also open to discussions about life and relationships after the pwBPD-relationship.  :)

Maxpax,

I try never to make any cause and effect correlations to the actions, thoughts, texts, postings, or just about anything a BPD does. They are not tethered to the same universe with the same rules of engagement as us.

My knee jerk reaction to your questions here is to respond with "because she's crazy." And in thinking about it some more, that does seem to explain a lot of this.

Curiously, it would have dawned on a non-BPD to not post such things for everyone to see on FB because they are a poorer reflection on the poster than the intended victim.

When will they ever learn?

J

I think what is making this confusing is that you are looking at it as if you are the primary reason for these actions. Most likely the new guy is the primary reason. She is building him up and cementing the new relationship with this stuff. You are the sacrificial lamb.


What does "no contact" mean in this context? She is not trying to contact you. There is no contact to stop.

Most likely this all goes away on its own, unless you let people in her social circle know it is affecting you. That will fuel them.

It's childish behavior. You're above this.

Oh I figured that. I've dealt with this type of craziness before so it's not surprising. I have a very small social circle now. I don't associate with anyone that has anything to do with her. All my social media is private. I'm not really worried. And it is childish behavior. Sad.

That's funny you bring up lost property, because I lost some too, argued back and forth for weeks about it, then just gave up, next thing you know out of the blue weeks after that, she contacted me and said I left some stuff there, "No kidding". So they are not playing with a full deck of cards ha!. So you mentioned legal process? Just out of curiosity what did she do to make you want to take her to court? Have you ever heard from her or run into her? And yes when I found out how far the ex-husband moved away I knew why. And I am not so much worried about running into her through daily life, I would just ignore her and keep going, but it's just that I know the guy she's with is a severe alcoholic, and she has become one as well,  and when you mix alcohol with an already unstable person, that is recipe for disaster. So with that knowledge I avoid them at all costs. Which doesn't affect my life that much, so it is not a big deal. As far as other things, I did learn a lot, and it did help me learn more about myself, and it also helped me feel less bitter about my ex-wife who is the mother of my 3 children, we actually settled our differences after 12 years, and we are getting along now. I also reconnected with some old friends. And therapy is going very well I will say.

Well, I guess being some time away from the situation, I do think this point is important. Sometimes, nons have a difficult time getting away from the breakup and things. So well done on that, I think.

I think Skip's point here is important:
People coming away sometimes don't see--or maybe forget--that they can be used in triangulating a new partner. That's what I see from being the lamb here. That's useful for nons on the mend here struggling with the "getting away" bit--I think I'm among those that found it much easier to separate when acknowledging that not getting engaged in drama is to not be accomplice to new triangulation.   :)

Mmhmm--that's definitely .

I won't comment further on the court things.  :) I saw her once a few months out--since then, nothing.  :)

All fabulous and good to hear Maxpax2011.   |iiii

I agree, that is why I don't react to anything anymore, just ignore it. I didn't mean to get personal, just curious, they all seem to have a similar vindictive nature when they split you black. Very sad. I have a feeling she will just go away on her own, she may be mentally ill, but she is not stupid, she will get the hint if she hasn't already. But like I said she has a habit of keeping exes in her life, even the ones that move on, so who knows haha.