BPDFamily.com

I have a question regarding this idea of triangulation.

Does some with BPD get "nicer" and more calm when they have someone else in the picture?

Maybe a broad question but I am curious on your opinions.

Thank you!

Hi Looking4guidance!

Great question - and I hate to answer it this way, but it all depends. Did you read about the Karpman Drama Triangle on this site? Does anything in particular about it sit with you?

With my uBPDw (just separated), she actually became more erratic when someone else was in the picture. If I had to analyze it, I could explain it potentially in two ways:

1. She really hates lying and when she has moments of clarity where she knows she is doing it, it really messes her up. Her go to was to then lash out at me, especially when I would bring up some of the signs that I was seeing that lead me to question if she was having an affair.

2. I've learned about the Karpman triangle before, so when I started to see these signs, I worked really hard to get myself outside of it aka "break" the triangle.

I've been learning that I can't put a whole lot of stock in what she's thinking of even doing, so let's focus on #2.

For me, I could see us playing out the triangle in a few ways:

Wife is the victim of "bad" relationship with me (when I'm split black), affair partner is the rescuer, I'm the persecutor.

Wife is the persecutor by cheating on me and I'm the victim, she feels awful about it, so then she becomes the victim and me the persecutor by "making her feel awful," I rescue by saying "you're not awful!" and she sits with that for a bit, then gets angry that I'm "trying to control her" so then I'm the persecutor again.

Affair partner is the persecutor for preying on her insecurities and luring her into an affair, she's the victim, I'm the white knight rescuer by coming in and telling her she deserves better and that she should be with someone who sees her and loves her (me, the rescuer).

I'm the victim of the affair and her dysregulation, she's the persecutor, then when I break down and cry she's the rescuer.

Notice that in all of these, the affair partner *barely* has a role. The real drama is when the two of us switch roles back and forth, and he's just tossed around with no real agency in the dynamic. He's a shell. A stand in. If anything, that helped me detach from some of the hurt of the affair and realize that he really wasn't much but someone that was needed by her to play a role. By breaking the triangle, I'm able to stop the performance.

What does it mean to break the triangle? For me, it meant getting away from my own black and white thinking (you're bad, I'm good; you did wrong always, I did right always; you don't care about the marriage, I do; I pushed you into an affair by being a bad partner, you had no choice). Once I could step away from some of that, it became easier to say wait a minute, I'm not a victim, persecutor, or rescuer. None of those roles define me and they can't hold things like my compassion, empathy, etc. In fact, I'm not sure empathy can even be present in the Karpman triangle, at least not in a very authentic way. Have you checked out Brene Brown's stuff on empathy? She does a great job explaining it.

So, long story short... .it depends. What's happening in your life? Is your pwBPD being nicer? What raises your curiosity about triangulation? Also, do you suspect/know someone else is in the picture? If so, I'm really sorry, and it sucks. Maybe you could talk about that, too, if you're ready?

Hi looking4guidance,

*welcome*

Id like to join lighthouse9 and welcome you to the family. I’m judt sharing from my personal experience it’s generalizing if you only take this example others will share with you. My ex got more erratic, avoidant and angrier because the affair brought feelings of shame. Imagine walking around with that shame? Can you tell us more about you?

Thank you for sharing your story. Yes I was thinking there is someone else in the picture since she doesnt want me sleeping over anymore and suddenly I am a secret on social media. Before she was obsessed with me and had me on her social media always. Anytime I question her about anything it resulted in a rage. It is so frustrating.

Suddenly, I realized my worth. I wasn't walking around HER eggshells anymore but she was rather walking around mine. I called her out on the guy who I thought she was using for emotional support behind my back and of course it resulted in blocking/NC for 3 days only for her to come back begging for my existence in her life. I just don't get it. Now I am becoming paranoid thinking she just wants multiple men in her life to fill her needs. She is very hyper sexual and I am busy most of the day where she has a lot of free time. So maybe, she just has that daytime guy only to push him out before I come for dinner/night time sex.

It is sick. Being in a relationship is a nightmare with someone who has BPD but at the same time I want more. It is almost like an addition.

Interesting and thank you for your feedback! Ya whenever I suspected "cheating" mine would get really really quiet. She would be like a different person. I even called her out on it once and then she threatened to kill herself.

Its so sick because she always made me feel like the bad person for questioning her loyalty. And that she loves me so much why would she ever do such a thing. I thought if I was accused of cheating when I didn't do anything - I would just laugh and reassure her that I did nothing. Instead I got a suicide threat, shoved, and slapped. Ridiculous.

I was never in my past a paranoid person in relationships, but suddenly I felt like I was becoming her. I even felt like I had BPD.

Hi looking4guidance,

When you experienced this reaction... .
... .do you remember some of the other things that were said during this interaction?

If you read Mutt's post, he mentions that an affair can bring on feelings of extreme shame. What could also be at play here is Projection (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0) - a rather complex defense mechanisim which you can read more about here (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=70931.0). You can also read about other behaviors and get a better understanding of them using this link (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=56206.msg913187#msg913187).

Does any of that make sense?

Basically what was said on my end was "why? Why would you do this?" and then I immediately felt guilty for even questioning her loyalty. I know crazy. So I kept trying to talk to her about it and she just sat there and didn't want to talk. I told her it was okay and that we don't have to talk about it. Sure enough it resulted in probably the worst rage I ever experienced with her.

I think you are right - now I am understanding more and more that she was very shameful of what she did and my questioning led her to rage. Also, my understanding and feeling sorry for myself for even questioning probably made me seem pathetic in her eyes. On top of it maybe she felt guilty. I just don't understand why they never tell the truth. Crazy!

The more days that go on I just want to move on and forget about her and everything that happened. It was basically a nightmare. But what keeps me at peace is the fact that I had to live with it for 6 months and she has to live with it for a lifetime.