BPDFamily.com

This site has helped me. With all the due respect, this post is intended to HELP through a strong slap in the face. I've written and read some terrible stuff here and I've found it pathetic. Again, it's been a useful slap in the face, now I'll give it back, and I hope it helps. A tough one. We do need one at times.

I've written and read things such as 'she was my everything,' 'I cared for her and can't go on without her,' 'miss her so much,' 'my life is empty,' massive etc. Come on, guys, where's that pride of yours? I've written and read so much ___ that it's made me get back on my feet.

Get on your feet! Now! Time to stop sitting on the pity-pot! Lots of boredom drips off us! Life sweeps by and before we know what's going on, it's too late! Bad thoughts keep preying upon your minds? Learn to combat them, muddle through, succeed! You're cocking up a couple of opportunities by holing up at home and brooding. Stop being mired in scepticism!

Go to a ___ing gym and run, pick up a guitar and play hard rock, dress for success and meet a new stonking lady, draw, read, meet friends, take up a hobbie and be passionate about it! Travel on your own! Go to the Argentinian Patagonia, fly to the Loch Ness, whatever! YOU matter; she was just a piece of your life, which has helped you learn a lot. No regrets - at all. But let bygones be bygones.

Yeah, she'll slag you off, there will be lots of back-stabbing (mine will probably be back at the job) and lots of people may swallow that s... t. Who cares?
Wake up! Life is literally short and you'll pass away sooner than you think! On your feet! As of now!

Hope this really helps all of you, even those who are going through terrible crap such as police involvement.

Mikey26,

OK... .

That's one way to approach it.

But for this to be an even more supportive thread, maybe it would help to debate some of the ideas here.

I'll go first.

For me, especially the first time around with my first ex BPDw, I was absolutely devastated, not because she was my everything, but because of the suddeness of it and what turned out to be the reason behind the suddeness. She was having an affair with her boss.

It just took me a lot of time to wrap my mind around the fact that the life I thought I was living was a lie. It was humiliating, unnerving, confusing, disorienting, and the sort. My recovery was more complicated than shrugging it off and just moving on.

J

I don't necessarily view his post as shrug it offf and move on. While a bit extreme there is something to be said for getting your confidence back, doing you, coming to terms with the 'person' you were involved with, learning and getting back out there.  Little confidence in ourselves goes along way.   That's how I interpret his post.

What works for you doesn’t necessarily work for someone else. Healing is different for everyone there isn’t a recipe that you follow.Telling someone to get over it is invalidating because you’re not listening you’re telling them what to do to snap out if it. Many of us didn’t have people in real life to listen to us, myself included and a break up with a pwBPD is very difficult you’re anxious, depressed and in distress.

The point of this forum is to provide something  to members in crisis that they don’t get in life and that’s someone to listen to them. I wanted to kill my self after my ex left our marriage with her affair partner it broke me to pieces and I’m emotionally strong.

I get it I really do, I like your spirit to rally others and give them motivation you have to find the right balance - validation and coach give people hope.

I might paraphrase this to say... .

connecting with your inner strength is a critical part of healing... .you should reach for it every day... .move on step closer... .keep you eye on that brass ring

I think that all of us who healed and grew have that "coming to strength" experience and we are all are amazed when we make that transformation from "wounded" to "healing. It seems so easy.

Personally, I remember one day, looking in the mirror and saying to myself - no one cares about any of this Skippy boy (my woundedness) - the minute I stop, it feeling it, it ends. That day I said I would no longer be a victim and I was going to stop having victim thoughts.  *)  I can remember those days, pulling off to the side of the road and chastizing myself for having victim ruminations while driving.

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"Hey Skip, you'er pathetic. Stop being a wussy, man." ~ Skip (speaking to Skip)

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Within two weeks I went through this incredible transformation. My ship was no longer sailing east, I had reversed course. Two short weeks.

Mikey26, you should stand tall and rejoice in this victory. It is one of many that those on the path to real recovery will experience. It is one rung on the ladder, there will be others, but it is critical step.

Bravo for you.

As for telling others to get on your ring of the ladder, be kind. Some are below you, and some above you... .those above each had two or three power moments like this. Power moments  come when we are ready and able and they always came from deep within. When we were in that exact place, hearing someone say "get your act together", was just what we needed to hear.  The transformation didn't come from what was said, we were making it and the words were validating what we were experiencing. I remember the man and the place where I was told once.

There were many other days in healing journey, however, when "get your act together" would have felt like invalidation, minimization, kicking a down dog. As we heal and grow, gain the skill to know when a brother is ready.

Again, congrats to you!

You are 100% right.

How many of us come on here wondering if our ex is hurting or hoping the next relationship fails?  At least some of us have ex’s who are wondering what we are up to and probably hope we are unhappy.

I visit here every day because it’s a diversion while I process the separation and pending divorce and do find it therapeutic, but I also know that my wife WON if I don’t move on with my life and make the most of it.

You can make your time spend here much more valuable than a diversion... .I've learned so much about human nature here... .gained self-awareness... .learned  people skills (especially for difficult situations)... .

In my years here, the members that come here only to vent and dissipate the emotion usually end up back here... .

You had a failed relationship... .just like a failed business, its not something a smart businessman lays off on the other guy.

Id just like to add to what Skip said and ties back to what the OP said about moving forward. The site helped me understand basic psych and to seperate myself from others and their behaviours, some people caused a lot of pain because of their selfishness and empathy deficiency. Learning about the basic psych helps you to move on and makes you aware of what’s going on around you.

Thanks for reading, and of course I meant well here. Honest. Indeed it's extremely difficult. Maybe the hardest s... t ever. And I'll be back at the job, where I met the mirthless creature, on Thursday, and I've been steeling myself for that. But it's time to airlift ourselves out of these doldrums. 'Can't live,' 'I wanna die,' (exaggerating a bit here), etc. All this bulls... t has been pinging my nads, as it were. Aye, doing stuff pays off. DO stuff! It works! Drop in on a friend and have a good chinwag with him! Hobbies, hobbies, hobbies!
Learning the basic psych has been really useful, but even so, the flashbacks kick in and we get swallowed up in this maelstrom of depression, even being aware of the fact that they are ill, literally ill. That's why we need to ACT, to have goals, to take advantage of every single day: basic psych conclusion: it would've worked if I'd been strong enough. I've talked lots about this and still feel awful about it. Basic psych: it MIGHT have worked if I'd been able to have THE attitude. And even so, it would've been hard graft. Anyway, it DIDN'T work, so let's LIVE!
I genuinely hope this helps a bit.

Apologies. No offence meant - at all. I've been told to do stuff and it seems to have helped me a bit, which is huge. I was shattered as well, but I blame myself for that. I was codependent, a veritable "nice guy" when she was in "a bad mood"... .I lacked THE attitude.
I took up rollerblading (I'd done this before meeting her, but of course, I gave it up during the relationship) and I've traveled on my own. A heavenly experience. I've learned lots from it, met new people. It's helped get the whole thing out of my head a bit and it might be a tiny battle I've won.