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My undiagnosed BPD traits partner is under a lot of stress, having mood swings. He created a device this morning, I believe, to commit suicide. I am shaky and having trouble finding resources. He stormed in, made me look at device, and said if I don't see him he's used it. He's still here. Can't find resources in this country yet... .

I offered to drive him to a doctor.

I found some very limited online resources. Do I call the police about this?

This seems to be a "play" for control from the last email he just wrote me now. He says it is the last time he'll write. Nevertheless... .serious.

He's mentioned suicide here and there, but this device... .Is a new turn of things.

He refuses to see a doctor. I've shared the limited resources I've found with him. I am looking for some for myself as well.

I am afraid to make any phone calls because I think he'll freak out and run out the door... .

He just wrote me this, "You are the one who is pushing me to suicide and you will have it."

I would call Pearl, if it were me. I'm sorry if this didn't get to you in time. Suicide threats are serious and are a form of abuse.

How are you doing? Can you update us?

Sending deep breaths and hugs,

-L

Also, I just found this: www.loveisrespect.org/content/when-your-partner-threatens-suicide/

Maybe talking to a hotline would help you sort through the scenario in real time with someone?

Hi lighthouse9,

Thanks. Found this and have a plan now: https://bpdfamily.com/discussions/search-info2.htm
He is back to hating me and freaking out now. We'll see.

I'm so glad you have a plan and found something. Keep us updated and rest when you can.

Good luck!

Many of us have been in this boat, pearl. From what I've seen on the boards, I would guess that there is a small minority of BPD suicide threateners who are at serious risk, and a majority who are using it as a play for attention.

Your husband already has a documented history of making threats -- usually divorce threats. If that's not getting him the satisfaction he wants, he may be switching to suicide threats.

The best advice I received - which I followed - was to call professionals immediately when there is a threat. It sounds like you've found the appropriate local resources. They are there to provide you with guidance, too, so if you haven't done so, I urge you to call right away, explain your situation, and find out what you should do when he makes a threat. They should be able to direct you to who to call (if not them).

In my area, the county has a crisis hotline for this purpose. I put it on my phone's speed-dial. At the next threat (which involved a lot of screaming in front of our daughter), I got our daughter out of the house, then called the crisis line from my car. The crisis line then called my wife.

Here's the thing, though, that I think differentiates the potentially suicidal from the attention-seekers. My wife didn't want the attention of a crisis line; she wanted mine. So she had to tell the folks on the line that she wasn't suicidal.

The frequency and drama of the suicide threats began to subside. The next time she made a threat, I offered to call the crisis line, and she told me she had called them twice already. This turned out to be another attention-seeking gambit -- I checked the phone log and found she was lying.

Remember, suicide is a mental illness problem! If your husband was having a stroke, would you try to treat it yourself at home and not bother anyone, or would you call for help? I find that analogy helpful.

Hi flourdust,

Thanks. I kept a calm face with him, but this device was a bit jarring to see. He'd mentioned this method recently so I know he's had it in mind. Now he's on to divorce threats and telling me about his "girlfriend". He is making drama. Says he is going to his lawyer's tonight. Wanted me/us to fly to my home country today for a divorce. Earlier in the week it was weddings and vacations. He's all over the map.

Unfortunately his doctor is on vacation this week. If he'd made it there this week that might have made a difference, but still... .all a giant mess. One day at a time... .

If it something is imminent I'll call the police for help. If we make it to next week then hopefully he'll see his doctor.

Thanks.

~pearl.

That is a scary situation. I would definitely call the police or a hotline. I am praying for you.

Hi Roxzan,

So nice to see you again! Thanks for the support. He's calm now. His drama energy has petered out a bit now.

I wish it wasn't so hard to do everything in this country! I wish we could have gotten him to a doctor earlier in the week when he was in the mood to do so.

I have never said he can't have a divorce. He is simply not in his right mind. Just sad. All sad.

thank you! -p.

I realize I haven't told anyone (other than here) about this. It almost seems like it didn't happen until I think about it again. Should I do that? I don't even know how/where to start or what difference it would make... .

I'm so sorry pearlsw. I just saw this. Do you have a plan set up for if he starts to talk about it again? I know it can be scary to make that first call for help.  

Now that he is calm, did he get rid of the device?

Are you ok?


Flourdust wow. That makes so much sense. I had never thought of it that way.

Even if his doctor is on vacation, that doc should have a back up physician.

Yes, that is typical to have a back up. Here in Europe they take vacationing pretty seriously. I don't even know his doctor's name or how to contact him though.

He took off, but I see the device is still here.

I just found out he's been secretly contacting my family today stirring up trouble there for me with them. Sigh. Well, if he burns my bridges to them he just makes his own life more difficult, cuts off my access to them, but he doesn't see that.

He's a mess today.

Can you destroy the device while he is gone?

I'm sorry that he is bothering your family. Are these the same family members that you disclosed more info to recently?

i have heard from two so far. one was new on his list of people to use as weapons against me.

i thought about destroying it, but he can just go make another. i think it was for show. but you never know. i take it very seriously but i... .he is mostly trying to use it pressure/control as usual.

i have agreed in principle to no longer be married, many times, but he goes nuts with pressuring me over details. i remind him i am not a lawyer... .it goes round and round. he looks poised to do all he can to destroy me.

i just hope it doesn't get to a point of him being homicidal instead of suicidal. no signs of  this yet. but i should keep wary.

Hi Pearlsw,


I am glad you have found some support. I will disclose what I did once... .(not in the friendship I have been talking about for the past few months, but before that)

I contacted the 'right people' (authorities) when I received her suicide threat. However, they didn't want to act unless they were sure she was an imminent threat to herself or her surroundings.
I thought about going to the spot mentioned in the suicide note, but was aware of the possible manipulative game which could be going on.

I chose to call a friend of hers and guided her every step of the way. The suicide was prevented AND she never contacted me again. Which was a bonus really... .

I went against every protocol imaginable, but I couldn't care less tbh.
Especially since I lost someone I hardly even knew to BPD/suicide years before that. But she was SO young... .That somewhat shaped my actions and still influences them today.

I wish you wisdom and strength!

I not sure whether it is a good idea or not to tell his family. I don't want to add to the drama, but I don't want to miss a chance to help either.

At this point there is little left to save between us... .so embarrassment/keeping a privacy barrier is not much of an issue anymore. Sadly.

Argh! (Me: Why is such a drama maker? Me: BPD, etc.)

Thank you! This is so sweet! I can use all the uplift I can get today!

I am afraid that's your call. It is not protocol, but like I said... .I didn't really care about protocol myself.

Can you trust someone in his family 100%? Can you come up with a game plan together?
Can he/she defuse the situation?

If so... .that someone could perhaps take the heat away from you. It shouldn't be about you... You should remain invisible behind the curtains. That way you could help, but not worsen possible manipulative behaviour...

Imo it's a risk assessment really... .

But I must repeat: this is considered to be BAD advice! Bad advice!

We're breaking up anyway... .and he places it all on me... .

I would just warn them to help prevent things, but maybe us breaking up is enough to make him not do it? I don't know.

He has too much stress and can't handle any form of stress. We have been trying to save our relationship for years now.

After today I have nothing left in me. He's killed the whole thing.

My younger brother just nailed it: "You might just want to give this one up Pearl before it becomes a murder /suicide or something... some things just can't be fixed, no matter how hard you try... be safe , love you... "

True that. I would NOT try and stop him yourself. Way too risky for you AND do not forget you are a trigger. On top of that: Any clear action by you gives him the advantage if this is a manipulative threat.

I would just follow protocol. (The 'good advice'

Or inform someone in his family you trust and could defuse the situation and be involved from behind the scenes. (NOT protocol)

Today was pretty horrific. Or is it already tomorrow?

What a nightmare of a day... .he got his day of drama I guess. I am giving up the notion that I can have a peaceful, "normal" break up that I lead us through... .

I got more help. Also got a chance to process some other family issues and learn more about recent family stuff... .It's always good to know what a strong, tough, loving family I have. I don't know why I always think I am so alone in life... .when there they are.

Was there even a moment of joy? Let me think... .hmmm... .I'm going to have to go absolutely microscopic to find one... .Ah, I had a bite of a really good piece of chocolate. There! I found it!  

Oh pearlsw     

I'm sorry to hear about new course of the situation. Last time I checked this forum, your situation was looking up and you sounded so hopeful. What changed in the meanwhile?

What is causing his so much stress? Have you tried validating?
https://bpdfamily.com/content/communication-skills-dont-be-invalidating

his mood swings. inability to manage his thoughts/moods. the usual stuff. i knew he wouldn't make it long after my return... .but it fools me, still, every time... .that he can be "normal". he can't. he simply can't. sigh.

Pearls what's the situation now? Who did you contact? I just came across your thread and wanted you to know I've been in your situation and above all else keep yourself safe physically and emotionally by having support established and a plan of action for when this happens again. The anxiety that is provoked at these times is just awful. I really feel for you   Which is why you must be prepared now for what you will do when this occurs.

Once I had a network in place and knew the steps to follow it was more manageable and the crises were reduced in duration as I didn't hesitate to act. It also showed my ex that I would not be taking responsibility on myself to cope alone with the situation, instead putting it in the hands of the professionals who are trained to deal with people in his condition.

He would regularly make threats and then disappear saying he didn't want to be found or stopped. At first I would panic and try to contact him, even getting in my car to go search for him but when I began to call the police straight away I felt so much less desperate and knew they do this as part of their job so they have the resources I don't. They were very reassuring which helped enormously. I'm not sure I would have gotten through that time without them.

What happened to the device? Can you describe it and is it something he can recreate quickly? I disposed of so many methods and whilst he could go and find replacements at least he didn't have what he needed right there to hand. Regardless of his motivation for this behaviour we need to be safeguarding him and yourself as he is not able to make good decisions when he is dysregulated. Keep us posted and let us know how you are 

Love and light x

Here's what you wrote yesterday... .



"He might kill me ... .but I don't want to bother anyone."

This is deep-in-the-FOG thinking. Please don't be a victim. Protect yourself.

Hi folks,

Sorry to worry ya! I can't always log in here. By the next morning, after an exceptionally rough day, his mood altered dramatically. He came to me and apologized, then put pressure on me a bit, then broke down a bit. He is back to being clingy, wanting closeness. He listened to my emotions/feelings a bit, but then he has to stop. It is too much for him... .I got him to describe to me what has been going on in his brain this week... .He described his trigger and then how his brain changed. He described the peak of it and how he "feels crazy" and is ashamed of how he behaves, etc.

He was suddenly, again, "willing to do anything" for me... .He immediately called his doctor back and rescheduled his appointment for next week. He says he knows something is wrong with him and with his brain and he wants help, etc. He is afraid I'll leave him, etc.

My goal now is just to make it to the day of his appointment. He's asked me to help him explain to the doctor what I've observed. He is afraid he could be committed to a hospital. He himself can't believe I haven't left him.

I'm safe. That day he was not well, he is still not well, but he can see that he is back to baseline. He has told people that he'd kill himself before ever harming me. He realizes he harmed my family and me that day, not physically, but by not controlling his impulses. My family members calmly encouraged him also to get some help. We'll see... .each day has a lot of hours in it to dysregulate before that appointment happens, if it does.

- pearl.

Hi HQ! Thanks so much for the support!  The device is out of site. I'm keeping a close eye on him and staying positive. Wish I could get him to the doctor sooner, but the earliest, short of an emergency room is Tuesday. Hope we make it that far! He is back at baseline now. warmly, pearl.

thanks for your sweetness! much appreciated!    

today his mood crashed again. doing all i can to protect and stabilize him until his medical appointment.

Hey Pearls - just checking in to see how things are going - I think you mentioned that today (Tuesday) was the day for his medical appointment?

i know the doctor visit is just a step. and maybe one that won't amount to anything if he can't take all the steps he'd need to afterwards. with his inconsistency, broken promises, lies and tricks... .i'm not betting on this... .and if it does i'm still stuck with the memories of what i've been through all these years... .

the device is away and he hasn't asked for it... .though he could fashion one quickly i guess... .

poor guy. he's still trying so hard to find work... .it all breaks my heart... .

the trip to the doctor today triggered some low level PTSD symptoms from my childhood related to doctor's offices. ugh. but i got it under control. it felt pretty heavy to be going through this diagnosis process with someone. the doctor, for some reason, was pretty rude and yelled at me. why? i am going with language misunderstanding as the three of us in the appointment were speaking 3 different languages at once. anyway, one step down, on to the next step if he can stay constant enough to get to tomorrow... .

Hi Pearls,

What was the outcome of the appointment?  What happens next?  How did H handle the whole thing?

Love and light x