BPDFamily.com

Hello,

I'm new and in need of advice. I've been dating a 44 year old male who is textbook BPD. I believe I'm in the "devalue or disguard" phase and I'm seeking insight and help.

He cycles his rage approximately twice a week, where he lashes out at me if he's having a bad day or after we've had a great few days together and he's going home. I've been able to avoid actual break ups by giving space until yesterday.

We were supposed to celebrate our first Valentine's Day together, today. He was hinting he was broke and that to celebrate I would have to bear the cost, yet again. I stood my ground and said no, he could do his own thing then because I couldn't keep paying. He then tried to manipulate me into taking my car, to which I said no I needed it. Then he wanted me to front him money for his car parts. When I said no, I got the guilt trip and hateful/hurtful comments. I was so exhausted that I said you've hurt me for the last time, I'm done.

At that I got "okay". You say your done, so it's over and I run.

I'm so astounded, I should have seen this coming but I didn't think he'd be so callous and non chalant. He went from telling me I was the best, that he loved me and wanted to move in to this. It's been a roller coaster and I know I should be relieved but I'm in pain.

Do BPD partners come back? Had anyone has success in havinga decent relationship?

hi Iris828 and *welcome*

you werent wrong to assert yourself. boundaries, and a willingness to set limits, are really crucial for these relationships, or any relationship. no one necessarily likes to be on the receiving end of it, especially people with BPD traits, and it sounds like hes reacted by pouting. that may blow over with some time, and if you let him self sooth.


yes to both, although most will tell you that there are always trying times.

most of this stuff, the "dos and donts" of a BPD relationship arent intuitive to most of us when we arrive here. with some learning, and trial and error (or worse), things can get more stable over time.

threats of a breakup can be especially triggering for someone with BPD traits. they are taken very personally. i must have done it a thousand times myself. do you think it might be a good idea to lightly reach out and let him know you dont wish to break up?

how long have the two of you been together? has it been since valentines day that you last spoke?

Thanks for replying. This all happened last night. I did send a text at 11am stating "I love you and wany this to work but when you lash out at me due to a bad day or whatnot, it's hurtful and causes undue stress." He did not reply. I also tried to call at 4pm. It seems he "declined" my phone call because it rang once and then went to voicemail. So he is clearly giving me the silent treatment. Like I said earlier, I've been able to avoid actual breakups by giving space, but I reacted last night because his raging, passive aggressive and manipulation were so hurtful that I said enough. He made it clear by me saying I was done that "it's over and now I run". So I don't know what to do. He has a key to my condo and lots of things here.

We've been dating since Nov. It's Feb now. So I understand I may not be able to work this out with him. When he cuts ties, he doesn't seem to look back. And he places all the blame on me and never admits what he says is hurtful. Please advise, as I know time is short before he replaces me... .if he hasn't already. 

I agree with once removed. He didn't like you setting boundaries. You decided to take care of yourself (and your finances). What's healthy for you may feel terribly uncomfortable for him. That's ok. You had to do what was right for you, now he has to process his own discomfort with it.

His silent treatment may be to punish you, or it may be that he's not ready to talk yet and needs time to process, or a combo of both. Take this quiet time to look after yourself. Decide what YOU want. If you want him back, what are things you can do to change the dynamics in your relationship that aren't working?

I am so sorry you are going thru this. BPD breakups are the worst. I know how confusing and hurtful silent treatments and being stuck in limbo like this feels. There is no way to know what he will do. pwBPD live in the moment. He may try to seek out a new person to "rescue" him if he chooses not to work thru his emotions. Or he may come back to you once he's calmed down. Or he may do both. Mine tried unsuccessfully to replace me many times. Finally, he made the choice to live with my boundaries.  *)

I heard from him today, only for him to tell me is done and not coming back. He is "devaluing me and discarding" me by stating I am the one who messed things up. That my words (setting boundaries) has made him see my true colors. Also, Supposedly, I am the crazy one who doesn't have his back and doesn't understand or know him. He unfriended me on FB too. I'm shell shocked.

I am so sorry. How did you respond?

FWIW, I too have heard these words. It is shocking and painful. Try not to replay his words too much in your head. It will only hurt more, and besides, it doesn't mean anything. How he feels about you can change from moment to moment. His black-and-white thinking got him out of the grey area. It is easier to break it off than to work thru his emotions. Limbo (are we together or not?) is grey. They don't do grey well.

Looking back, I realize my uBPDbf was also hoping I was different, unlike all the others who didn't "understand" him. I would be the ONE who finally did. Instead, I was as baffled as all the rest. I was just another crazy lunatic, too weak to handle him. But... .his mind shifted... .eventually. I was the one who at least TRIED to understand him, who had compassion for him despite his hurtful ways, and showed him I could handle moving on without him. So don't take what he says too seriously. Right now, you need to take care of yourself. Allow yourself time to heal, and don't reach out to him, for now. Things can change. It's up to you whether you want to stay on this journey. 

I responded that I have had his back since the day we met and that I loved him but his failure to see how his actions stressed and hurt me weren't okay.

He didn't respond but tried to call within an hour of that, to which I ignored for fear he was just going to lash out more. Then at approximately 530 je sent me two memes stating he doesn't leave people that's why it hurts when he's left and one about how he's happy when he's with me... .his only words on those two memes were "true story, goodnight". So I didn't respond because I didn't know how to. It's now the next day at 1045am and no word from him. So IDK what to think or what to do. The two memes don't match his actions of unfriending me on FB and they don't match him telling me that he's not coming back... .however his silent treatment does. I'm so confused and don't know what to do.

My BF and I also had a big tiff this weekend. It was a breakup to him. So he deleted my pictures from his FB page, similar to yours unfriending you. This is childish, but the only way they know how to cope.

His memes show that he's had a change of heart. So as painful as his previous actions, the unfriending and telling you he's not coming back, they are now meaningless. He no longer feels that way. He meant it at the time because he was emotional, but the memes and "true story" is the genuine truth for him now, as his emotions have calmed down. So he meant that too.

If you can forgive him for coping the only way he knew how in those moments, and stay in the present because you want to be with him, the right words will come to you. How would you have responded to those memes if he hadn't hurt you? Can you forgive him and move past it, without telling him so? Unfortunately, telling him how much he hurt you will bring him shame and spiral his emotions back down the rabbit hole.

If you need more time to process your feelings before responding, take that time. I know the pressure... .tick-tock-tick-tock... .you feel you have to respond sooner than later. Problem with that is, if you're not ready, you risk making things worse. Take the time to heal and soothe yourself first. 

a lack of response will be taken as a response. if you want to reconcile, ignoring his engagements is going to reinforce his thinking, which, from his perspective, is that youve rejected him.

id get back to him, let him know you had a lot of place, and set up a time and/or place to talk.

Unfortunately, things have gotten much much worse. He lashed out at me this morning because I couldn't answer a call or text due to being at appointment. So he threatened a police escort to my house with comments that "I'll tell them I live there and drag your daughter into seeing this". I was shocked and the threat scared me because I'm in a custody battle and didnt want that scene with her here.

Then he said I was kind, beautiful and too good for him and he didn't deserve me. To telling me there can never be anything between us ever again and that he'll give me a goodbye hug. To then saying he can't see me, to give his belongings to his ex wife that this is all my fault and I ruined us and he jad friends calling to talk sense into him, to telling me he'll come Wed to get his things and I can open door and say goodbye.

I have virtual whiplash and don't see how to salvage this. 

Does anyone have any insights to help salvage this or minimize fall out. I'm shell shocked at how bad this escalated. He's portraying me as crazy, is smearing my name, and has threatened police escort to get his things from my place.

Iris,

I'm sorry to hear of your struggle.  Like others have said, you aren't wrong to set reasonable boundaries (or even minimal boundaries by the sound of it) and it's important to remember that.  His responses do seem to be very classic BPD behaviors.  You need healthy boundaries to protect yourself and be healthy, without them you may end up doing more harm to yourself and him.  I would strongly suggest (if you haven't already) sitting down when you can be as calm and quite as possible, and write down your boundries and your reasons for them.  That way, when he brings up the various manipulations ("if you loved me you would do this", "you changed and aren't the person I loved anymore", "I see your true colors now", that you are a crazy or terrible person, etc) you can go back to what you wrote to remind yourself why you need those boundaries.  Because it is so easy to start to believe them, that you are the problem and are being unreasonable.

It is also good to remember that all of his actions and words are defense mechanisms, that he has hurt and fear that he is struggling to cope with.  That doesn't make them healthy or acceptable.  And it certainly doesn't mean you should in any way feel bad.  But it can help to remember that so you can have compassion, and see that what he says and does is really about him, not you, and you shouldn't take it personally. (I know, that is way easier said then done) And that you need to focus on what is healthy for you and your daughter.

And yes, the emotional whiplash can be brutal. Going from hearing "You're wonderful and I love you" to "You are terrible" can be so difficult.  Like I say to pretty much everyone, learning about BPD has helped me some. Like in this case, seeing that behavior as "splitting"  "Stop walking on eggshells" and "I hate you... .don't leave me" have been helpful to me.

Love and hugs,
Chippy

Thank-you Chippy. I'm still stunned and so baffled. I do feel I'm on egg shells and I'm so torn. Part of me wants to salvage this and the other part wants to run because I don't see how this can work. Hell, I don't even see how it could.

I told him I'd give him his things when I was comfortable because I don't want to risk him saying anymore cruel things to me and he said "Keeping my things and holding me hostage won't bring me back". "You broke up with me, good. I don't deserve you" To then, "You're crazy, you ruined this and burned a bridge for good". He clearly hates me now and is splitting/devalue discarding me and his comment of "I'm a good guy with friends and someone else is calling me to talk more sense into me" shows me he has no intention of attempting to fix this or apologize for pain he's caused.

I'm at a loss and feel used, manipulated, lied to and thrown away.

SAFETY FIRST! Make sure you and your daughter are safe!

This must be so scary for you. His emotions are all over the place. Take a deeeeep breath. He hasn't landed on any decisions yet. He can't. His thoughts/feelings are too jumbled. When mine goes back and forth like this, I know there is little I can do to stop it. I end the conversation as fast as I can. "I need to go right now. Let's talk later when things calm down."

I read somewhere to say "things" not "you" so it's less personal. Mostly, I try to say as little as possible because I know he will weaponize my words against me.

Give him time to calm down. Let him figure out how to do that. You are not responsible for helping him thru his emotional turmoil - not when it becomes threatening like this. Your only job is to protect you and your child from it. Sorry this is happening. I hope the dust settles soon.