BPDFamily.com

Hi folks,
I need a place to vent and explore this stuff. My DD19 put herself into Residential 4 weeks ago to deal with her addiction to Xanax. The first week was spent laying down, recovering from addiction, the second week was spent in a flux as they tried pulling her off risperadone. She went into an anxiety mess and spent most of her time in her room or with someone talking her through this period. Psychiatrist put her back on risperadone and said, "Lets get her through being sober before any med changes." Third week she began to attend more groups but still missed quite a few due to- I have no idea. I would love to really understand this-why miss groups? 4 week went to all groups at the beginning of the week,  then got cut off by her boyfriend on Valentines day, woke up throwing up on Thursday-missed groups again. Come Friday-she refused to go to groups, then they lost her earbuds on Saturday and she refused to go to groups because she was so angry that the staff had lost her earbuds. We visited on Saturday and experienced splitting, door slamming, giving us the middle finger. She obviously is not getting better. This is a 35-45 day treatment plan. She finds out today when she is to leave.
Here is the deal... .I really don't want her to come home unless I see some commitment on her part to treatment. We can refuse her to come home and she'd be homeless or go to a recovery home. I mentioned that to her in the heat of the moment. A major mistake because that just escalated her emotions. I am supposed to pay for a partial hospital program where I don't see her attending. She says she is homesick and wants to get out of there but refuses going to groups. I am so confused, angry and mostly afraid, afraid that we will go right back to where we started, a dd who uses pot and sleeps all day, or goes out with friends till the wee hours of the night. Or worse, she and her boyfriend fighting, then self injuring and threatening suicide. I've had a month of going to work without this huge worry hanging over me-and I like it! I really like just being able to go to work and not worry if I'm going to have to call police, rush home or worse yet, find her dead. Just before she went in, my husband and I were taking turns staying home because she wasn't safe. I've missed loads of work and I am a school teacher with a curriculum to follow.
I'm torn.
thanks for this space.

Daisy,
Wow! Can I relate to your story!  We have gone through the same things with our DD19.  This year, she suddenly moved out without warning, not even letting us know where she was.  We finally got her to tell us a week later.  We have (since September), experienced what life around our house is like without being in constant crisis mode.  What a difference! 

Things with our daughter are far from perfect... .she is now not going to therapy, is off her meds, and has no job.  We have had to step in to help her with rent, but actually feel like this is a better decision for our family at this time. Our son put it best, "It's calm around here now".  He needs that, and so do we.  This week she applied for social assistance... .baby steps!

We've been using the tools on here to try to support her.  (Validation and SET mostly)  We are seeing a therapist for ourselves.  I am on here a lot too. 

I completely understand your anguish about what to do.  Our DD19 made the decision for us.  It was hard, but we have managed.  As a teacher, I know you feel that this is a reflection on you... .it's not.  Mental illness is not something you caused.  You are doing your best.  That's all we can do.  It is up to them to accept the help.  We can't change their thinking, or their actions. All we can do is change how we react and interact with them. 

Keep coming back here.  It helps.  You are not alone!

1hope ❤️

Hi Daisy123,

*welcome*

I can't speak for what you're going through and I can just imagine how difficult it is to cope. I'm glad to hear that you've had a break for the last month I just wanted to leave an article here for that you might find useful.
 All the best.

Anosognosia and Getting a "Borderline" into Therapy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/how-to-get-borderline-into-therapy)

Dear Mutt,
Thank you for sharing that video! That was so helpful and deepened my understanding of my DD. That was a very powerful video. Leap listen empathy agree partner? I think? Well I have got to find a way to better my communication with my daughter.
Thanks again

Hi Daisy123

Thank you Mutt, what a great share  |iiii and glad the video spoke to you D.

I worked through all resources here to find the ones that work for my DD, BPD diagnosis is SO broad - co-morbid (no generalisations here), it's like threading a needle, I've got there - past the worst, now gently moving forwards, for my DD to find a life that works for her, one she is proud of and feels peace. As 1hope shares, we continue here, together. We bump up  :)

We have parents here working on communicating boundaries and limits, other parents learning their sensitive child responds to double validation, parents focusing on core relationships. Somehow I see we come here to the middle point, centre - in time.

For me my first step was listening with empathy - so very powerful, and I say that as that is what my DD needed at that time, FOR me to be her advocate, her friends too as she engaged in treatment, helping herself. And that is difficult, first I gained my daughters trust, she accepted me as her advocate to help her gain treatment. DD lead the way, we listened and followed.

Listen with empathy (https://bpdfamily.com/content/listen-with-empathy)

I'm still threading the needle with my DD and that's ok, my DD is in a happy, safe place. I could not ask for more.

WDx