Title: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Insom on February 19, 2018, 06:16:56 PM Has your taste in partners changed since getting out of a relationship with someone with BPD?
Mine did, though there was an adjustment period. As a younger person I found myself attracted to charismatic guys. Unusualness was attractive to me as was boys/men with distinctive traits like tallness, sharp verbal wit, high intelligence, etc. Now it's kindness that attracts me. How about you? Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Maxpax2011 on February 19, 2018, 07:10:24 PM Mine sure did, my ex was a business woman type, very stuck up and arrogant, heavy drinker and obnoxious. Kind of nerdy if you see her at her job. I am now dating a nurse, who is very shy, sweet, kind of goofy, and more of a homebody. But she loves my dog, and she loves kids. So ya I guess our taste could change.
Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: valet on February 19, 2018, 07:34:00 PM How are we defining the word partner in this situation?
I find that I'm still attracted to lots of different people, but I wouldn't jump into a relationship with someone just because I feel a natural sense of attraction. I think that the main differences are in my boundaries with myself in how I relate to others. I used to see character mismatches and ignore them. I don't do that anymore. I listen to my gut, and more or less trust myself. So it's not so much that my tastes have changed, just that I am more patient in seeing how I can nurture them in healthy ways. This is a good thread. I hope the discussion ramps up! Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Insom on February 19, 2018, 07:59:45 PM Hi, Maxpax2011!
Excerpt I am now dating a nurse, who is very shy, sweet, kind of goofy, and more of a homebody That does sound like a change. How are you feeling in your new relationship? Excerpt How are we defining the word partner in this situation? Great question, Valet! Initially I was thinking romantic partner but this could apply to friendship or any other chosen relationship. FWIW, I am married and not seeking to date, but my husband has forever changed what I would find acceptable in a romantic partner, for the better. However, I DO still rely on chemistry - sometimes with not-great results - when choosing female friends. Excerpt I used to see character mismatches and ignore them. I don't do that anymore Did you go through a process/did this change happen gradually for you? Or did it feel more like an insight? Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Maxpax2011 on February 19, 2018, 08:15:14 PM Hi, Maxpax2011! That does sound like a change. How are you feeling in your new relationship? Great question, Valet! Initially I was thinking romantic partner but this could apply to friendship or any other chosen relationship. FWIW, I am married and not seeking to date, but my husband has forever changed what I would find acceptable in a romantic partner, for the better. However, I DO still rely on chemistry - sometimes with not-great results - when choosing female friends. Did you go through a process/did this change happen gradually for you? Or did it feel more like an insight? To be honest it is pretty scary at times, I have serious trust issues, very cautious. We have been dating for almost 3 months and the intimacy is very limited. Sometimes I am afraid to put myself out there, first time I bought her flowers was Valentine's day. We do have a connection, but she is more of a companion than anything, we don't seem to base the relationship on intimacy, more like quality time spent together. We are just taking it slow. This one is very kind, very supportive, I know she would never hurt me, but I just feel kind of numb sometimes. There are still days where I miss my ex, I loved her deeply, more than I realized after the break up, she reach a part of my heart that no one ever has. I don't know if I will ever feel that type of love again or if it was once in a lifetime. But as my therapist said, I can't hold myself back from being happy with someone, as long as they treat you good, and they respect you that is a big part of a relationship. So I am just going to go with it and see what happens. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Bo123 on February 19, 2018, 10:21:58 PM Mine didn't change other than finally finding out she was a highly functioning very low grade BPD. She had all the qualities an, values and ethics I want in a wife. I just didn't find out she was BPD in time, otherwise I would have married her. Rare case.
Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Shedd on February 20, 2018, 06:59:01 AM I actually find myself not interested in love at all anymore.
Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: gotbushels on February 20, 2018, 08:30:37 AM Hi Insom
What a fun thread! Thank you for creating it. :) I'm really enjoying myself reading peoples' responses to it. I'm less attracted to the edgy/troublemaker type of person. To me, I learned aggressiveness ≠ capability ≠ assertiveness. I still find troublemaker people attractive... .but it stops there. I've found I'm more interested in women who seem to have calmness, warmth, and comfort as part of their lives--and they have those without being excessively dependent on a single interpersonal relationship. Logistically, I'm also interested in getting enough face-to-face time with a prospective partner. The pwBPD relationship I had started with text and LDR communication; so instead I then try to put myself in more face-to-face situations. These are situations where I can really pay attention to all my emotions while I'm with the prospective person. I try to listen to the flag-emotions more early on, because it's good to temper that against the excitement of the "new"--especially so to keep a sound judgement hat on. :) Have a pleasant week. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Chynna on February 20, 2018, 08:47:17 AM No. His illusion was the type of person I am attracted to.
Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Jeffree on February 20, 2018, 08:52:04 AM I have no idea as of yet. However, I do know that in all my time where I live I have not connected with anyone relationship wise.
First ex wife I met in NYC when we both lived there, second I knew from NYC and reunited with her some 20 years later on FB when she was on the West Coast. I worry that this is not a good place for my dating interests whatever they may be. Was on match for 6 months and managed 2 dates with women who weren't interested back. J Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: araneina on February 20, 2018, 09:07:43 AM I haven't had a new relationship since my ex but I can definitely say that there are now things I look out for in potential partners that I never looked out for before.
The last two men I was in a relationship with both hated their jobs. My ex LOATHED his job and it bled into our relationship. Now I listen very closely when someone talks about their work. Of course work isn't all sunshine and rainbows, but I look for indications that they're relatively happy with their job and they are looking forward to growing in that position. When I reflected back on the first few dates with my ex I realized he had already begun his negative talk, victimizing himself, and bashing ex girlfriends. I am hyper vigilant for that kind of talk with men I date. It's not an immediate dealbreaker, but if it continues then I will most certainly cut myself off from that person. Also - the constant communication. My ex texted me non stop when we first started dating. I LOVED it. Now I have no interest in that. I like to set a date, and just talk to that person face-to-face. If a relationship eventually ensues then I will like phone calls, but I will make sure to limit the communication so I can still maintain my own life. There were nights when my ex would call me and I'd look at my phone and say "Well, there goes my evening." I won't do that again. I had a wonderful date with a man on Sunday. Never once did he say anything disparaging about friends, family, coworkers, ex girlfriends. He spoke positively about his job, about where he lived. We talked about a range of topics and it was just... .nice. I sent him a followup text a few hours later and he quickly asked me out on another date. There are no "good morning beautiful!" texts from him, just casual conversation setting up the next date and that's it. And that's all I need right now. In the end... .I just want someone who is happy with themselves. They don't need to be rich, or hot, or whatever. Just someone who is happy with themselves and capable of love. It might take me a while to find that person but at least I have tools now to help me find him. :) Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Chynna on February 20, 2018, 09:34:37 AM P.S. ... .but I am educated now.
Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Lucky Jim on February 20, 2018, 10:27:46 AM Like you, Insom, kindness is at the top of my list. The interesting thing is, since leaving my BPDxW, I've dated three women who are all kind, generous and caring, so I can confirm that good people are out there. I don't waste my time anymore with those who raise red flags red-flag regardless how attractive they may seem on the outside. I recently went through a b/u with a Non-BPD after a 2-year r/s with many happy times. Any r/s, of course, raises emotional issues, but nothing like the turmoil of a BPD r/s, based on my recent dating experiences.
LuckyJim Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Chynna on February 20, 2018, 10:49:07 AM Just be careful... .My person w/issues illusioned all of those good things too. Kindness, generosity, gentleness, etc. Everyone loved him. I was very envied, little did they know. Ah but you all are educated now so... .
Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Lucky Jim on February 20, 2018, 11:22:35 AM Sure, my pwBPD seemed ideal at the outset. Yet now I go much more slowly in new relationships. Plus, I like to think that I'm ready to jump ship sooner if I get warning signals.
My BPDxW had back issues and a drinking problem. Several years ago, I went out on a date with an old friend from college. Turned out she had developed back issues and a drinking problem! It was a No-Go for me. LuckyJim Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Insom on February 20, 2018, 01:43:05 PM Great responses, everyone! Keep 'em coming.
I'm stepping away from my computer for the rest of the day but look forward to responding more when I have more time. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Insom on February 22, 2018, 01:01:56 PM Maxpax2011:
Great idea, I think, to take it slow. Excerpt She reach a part of my heart that no one ever has. I don't know if I will ever feel that type of love again or if it was once in a lifetime. Yes! I can relate very much to how emotionally intense a relationship with someone with BPD can feel. I remember feeling a strong bond with my BPD-ex. I felt seen by him, like he understood something special about my character that I wanted seen and that no one else saw. How about you? What part of you do you feel your ex reached? Bo123: Excerpt She had all the qualities an, values and ethics I want in a wife. Would you like to say more? The word "ethics" is an interesting one. What are the qualities and ethics you are looking for? Shedd: Excerpt I actually find myself not interested in love at all anymore. Oh, Shedd! You sound discouraged. Hugs. How about friendships? gotbushels: Excerpt Logistically, I'm also interested in getting enough face-to-face time with a prospective partner. The pwBPD relationship I had started with text and LDR communication; so instead I then try to put myself in more face-to-face situations. These are situations where I can really pay attention to all my emotions while I'm with the prospective person. I try to listen to the flag-emotions more early on, because it's good to temper that against the excitement of the "new"--especially so to keep a sound judgement hat on. It sounds like you're being more careful about who you want to be in a relationship with. How is that going for you? How does it feel to be more deliberate? Ha, Chynna! (You crack me up.) Excerpt Just be careful... .My person w/issues illusioned all of those good things too. Kindness, generosity, gentleness, etc. Everyone loved him. I was very envied, little did they know. Yes, I can relate to having a relationship change. What was that like for you? Going from feeling envied to something else? Jeffree: Excerpt First ex wife I met in NYC when we both lived there, second I knew from NYC and reunited with her some 20 years later on FB when she was on the West Coast.I worry that this is not a good place for my dating interests whatever they may be. So interesting! I agree wholeheartedly that a place can have a character just like a person or a family. How would you describe the place you're in now? What connects you to it? What do you feel is lacking? Lucky Jim: Excerpt The interesting thing is, since leaving my BPDxW, I've dated three women who are all kind, generous and caring, so I can confirm that good people are out there. Yes! I can relate. What do the newer relationships feel like? Do you still miss your BPDxW or do you feel you've grown past whatever initially drew you in? Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: once removed on February 22, 2018, 04:22:28 PM great thread Insom!
i suppose my answer would be "yes and no" similar to gotbushels i have a type, and it turns out that type doesnt necessarily translate into an ideal partner. when i feel that initial draw, i press pause and wait. and then, gradually, i tend to be drawn away. and like Valet says, attraction is harmless, it doesnt necessarily need to go further than that. though ive read some pretty knowledgeable members here suggest that sometimes its a matter of finding the "best version" of that type, and somewhat inevitable. ive always been attracted to confident, smart, funny, kind, and loyal women. i just didnt pursue them, or in some cases i over pursued them, for whatever reason, we didnt click. something about bowens family systems theory ("we tend to mate with our emotional equals" really stuck with me. i find the more i "up my game" so to speak, the more im drawn in a different direction, the more its drawn to me, the more capable and deserving i feel of having the happy and healthy relationship i want to have. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: MeandThee29 on February 23, 2018, 06:40:41 AM I actually find myself not interested in love at all anymore. Me too. I can't imagine. I do have a lot of friends though including some couples who have stuck with me through all of this. My young adults live at home too. A friend of mine remarried several years ago after an abusive relationship for 30 years with a husband who constantly cheated on her, and I was amazed at the risk she took. They're doing great though. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Jeffree on February 23, 2018, 09:12:41 AM How would you describe the place you're in now? What connects you to it? What do you feel is lacking?
I'd describe it as an OK place. I find it hard to believe that with all the professionals who live here and the decent amount of brainpower here that I can't find someone to connect with. There does seem to be a greater population of country bumpkins up here than I let myself believe is here, and I most definitely do not connect with these types. I do not own a gun, a 4x4, a big utility truck, camouflage, chew, or any Budweiser products. Not that there's anything wrong with that. That's just not my thing at all. What connects me to the area is that it is where I had a great job for 11 years, and since losing it I haven't been able to find work anywhere else other than here. The cost of living is fair, real estate taxes a drop in the bucket compared to any other place in the state I'd consider living, and it has accommodations for many different interests. Maybe it's me. LOL! J Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Lucky Jim on February 23, 2018, 10:27:30 AM Excerpt What do the newer relationships feel like? Do you still miss your BPDxW or do you feel you've grown past whatever initially drew you in? Hey Insom, No, I don't miss my BPDxW at all, so I guess I have grown past my attraction to someone w/BPD. My Ex and I are LC because we have kids and occasionally she still tries to draw me in with drama or inflammatory comments, but I'm not interested in playing that game anymore; it's too exhausting! Concerning my newer relationships, I would say that it's been great to find out that not all women consider me the horrible person that my Ex made me out to be. I would also say that I've learned that, without all the drama and turmoil, a relationship can be a fun, positive experience for both parties. LuckyJim Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: Insom on February 23, 2018, 12:33:30 PM Lucky Jim:
Excerpt I would say that it's been great to find out that not all women consider me the horrible person that my Ex made me out to be. I would also say that I've learned that, without all the drama and turmoil, a relationship can be a fun, positive experience for both parties. Yes! This is heartening to hear. I know some of us (me included) felt addicted to our relationships, like nothing else would do. FWIW, over time, I've had to redefine love for myself. As a younger person I equated it with intense feeling. Now, years post-relationship with BPD-ex, it's something different. I like that you mentioned positivity. Love feels positive. Jeffree: Excerpt What connects me to the area is that it is where I had a great job for 11 years, and since losing it I haven't been able to find work anywhere else other than here. Hey! It sounds like work-wise you're doing great and have landed in a supportive place but that you also feel a bit like a fish out of water? I can relate. The place where my husband and I live has been great for his career, less so for mine. Since memories of my BPD-ex came up for me in a strong way about a year ago I've wondered if there's a connection to frustration I feel in my work life and creativity. MeandThee29: Excerpt I was amazed at the risk she took. This concept of risk is interesting! What did your friend risking by leaving an abusive situation? once removed: Excerpt something about bowens family systems theory ("we tend to mate with our emotional equals" really stuck with me. i find the more i "up my game" so to speak, the more im drawn in a different direction, the more its drawn to me, the more capable and deserving i feel of having the happy and healthy relationship i want to have. Thanks for this! (I am googling "bowens" as I type . . .) araneina: Excerpt Also - the constant communication. My ex texted me non stop when we first started dating. I LOVED it. Now I have no interest in that. Wow, that's a big shift from LOVING the intensity to having no interest. Congratulations! It sounds like things are going great! Can you tell us more how you achieved that shift? Was it an immediate reaction to your BPD relationship? Or something you learned over time? Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: gotbushels on February 24, 2018, 12:59:55 AM once removed--I just wanted to support what you shared here.
when i feel that initial draw, i press pause and wait. and then, gradually, i tend to be drawn away. Something I happened upon recently in a Linehan publication reminded me of what you said.Excerpt "If intense emotion is obvious, suspect emotion mind. Give it time; if certainty remains, especially when you are feeling calm and secure, suspect wise mind." I think maybe this is the way of our mind or heart or both telling us that something isn't going to work with that person. I personally experienced this with two potential partners, without actually recognising that Linehan discussed this idea. I was "drawn away" as you put it--and in hindsight--I'm very happy I did. Honestly, I describe it clinically now, but I was extremely upset because I found some things about each of them very attractive. I heaped on the self care to out-funk myself. *guilty--hands up* I like how you and Valet put this--thank you. and like Valet says, attraction is harmless, it doesnt necessarily need to go further than that. ... .i find the more i "up my game" so to speak, the more im drawn in a different direction ... . Yes! I felt this too. Surprisingly, I found it was easier to speak to prospective dates--but the rate and quantity of relationships I wanted to advance was lower. It was disheartening for me, so something that helped me was when I felt unsettled about being single on another weekend, I reminded myself that of course I'm going to find fewer qualified fish in the sea than before, because I'd like more yellow in the fins, more blue near the top, etc. I guess the more you narrow your region of desire, then of course it's going to be more rewarding, but of course it's going to be more challenging.... .being more careful about who you want to be in a relationship with. ... .How does it feel to be more deliberate? Insom, tremendously liberating! Thank you for asking. When things don't go my way in relationships, I find it much easier to figure out how to get up and keep going (again). I feel comforted by the overlap of a lot of skills from work into my relational life. It feels like I'm using new limbs. Like when you sleep on your arm, then panic because you don't feel it at all, but then get that gradual sense of relief that you don't have to chop your arm off as the sensation returns to it. That feeling of tremendous relief, but in spoons rather than shovels. I feel disconcerted--but concerted? "OK, these are my strengths and weaknesses, how does this interrelate to hers, and what implications will that mean for both of us in this situation"-- that feels weird. Disconcerted because it's against my self-seeking "feeling" of the moment, but concerted because it's honouring my long-term "want" of growing the relationship. I think it's working out well so far. :) I'd like to share this. I guess, relating to pwBPD relationships, the glue to going forward was realising that a lot of what the *non* brings to each instance of dysregulation are qualities of openness, empathy, and in want of a healthy relationship. The realisation that these qualities are represented by the *non*--that observation is what gives permission to chase those things you want in life, outside and beyond the relationship with the pwBPD. That can then lead the non to confidence that what traits you're bringing to market is valuable. Then--if you bring good things to the market--then you can also feel like you're matching more well with reciprocal tastes that you truly want. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Harley Quinn on February 24, 2018, 02:41:26 AM Great topic Insom! I really haven't found myself attracted to anyone in person since my BPD r/s although I suspect many of the qualities he displayed (minus the bright red banners) would still attract me. What I do know is that if I were to meet someone now I'd be much more reserved about following that initial attraction and take a lot of time to sense check it.
I'm hopeful that I will have done a lot more work on myself before I find myself faced with a decision about attempting a new r/s as that's my main focus right now. It will be interesting to see if my taste changes as a result of that work. Thanks for posting about this! Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: once removed on February 24, 2018, 01:49:38 PM (I am googling "bowens" as I type . . .) just to share with all, bowen defines emotional maturity similarly to our level of "differentiation". the good news is that our level of emotional maturity/differentiation is not fixed in place. it can grow, and it stands to reason that the dynamics we are drawn to can change, and in simple terms, we can better connect with more emotionally mature individuals. more here (9, 13 and 15 were big ones for me): https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=279626.0 Yes! I felt this too. Surprisingly, I found it was easier to speak to prospective dates--but the rate and quantity of relationships I wanted to advance was lower. It was disheartening for me, so something that helped me was when I felt unsettled about being single on another weekend, I reminded myself that of course I'm going to find fewer qualified fish in the sea than before, because I'd like more yellow in the fins, more blue near the top, etc. I guess the more you narrow your region of desire, then of course it's going to be more rewarding, but of course it's going to be more challenging. i like that attitude. its sort of "good things come to those who wait". its also true i think, that the older we get, the smaller the pool of healthy, or qualified mates there are, which is not at all to say they arent out there, just that we need to have our eyes open. but i also think if we dont play the field to some extent, we narrow our exposure. healthy dating is all about having the right tools. setting up safe parameters around potential relationships. "upping our game" is attractive to everyone, at least initially, the bad fish and the good fish. we wont suddenly repel the bad fish and lure all the good ones. and initial attraction and/or the first steps of a relationship with a "bad fish" arent inherently bad either. the danger is when we dont recognize when its not working, and not going to work, especially if we continue to do more of what isnt working. i do think upping our game goes a long way toward that. our taste in dynamics is what changes most. if i met my ex today, it would fizzle out quickly because we wouldnt have that unhealthy, yet dysfunctionally compatible, "click". Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: tiki on February 25, 2018, 11:08:24 AM My introspection has centered more about people in my life.
I think as an adolescent I liked really intense people. I was really into like people that acted and spoke like they were in a novel. I was into people who were full of themselves. As if I bought it too. The first person I feel in love with in high school was an almost hilariously exaggerated version of this. He was so dramatic, and also incredibly smart and would make what I thought were really amazing observations about life and reality. I went on to date him years later and it was pretty bad. He wasn’t very respectful to me and demonstrated an outsized regard for himself. It wasn’t at all like how I thought it would be. It seems like I bought into traits that actually weren’t there. I guess I was into people who were really into their own bs. Which to me seems very adolescent like. People with an adolescent like way of seeing their world dramatically. That’s what I used to be into. And it was always not what I thought it was once I got involved. So yeah I’m weary and aware of that inclination now. Also I think it’s something I should have grown out of. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Insom on February 26, 2018, 06:23:10 PM tiki:
Excerpt I’m weary and aware of that inclination now. Also I think it’s something I should have grown out of. Yes, I can relate with this, feeling like I should definitely be over something before I'm actually over it. Would it be fair to say you understand one thing in your head but your feelings are in a different place? once removed: Excerpt bowen defines emotional maturity similarly to our level of "differentiation". the good news is that our level of emotional maturity/differentiation is not fixed in place. it can grow, and it stands to reason that the dynamics we are drawn to can change, and in simple terms, we can better connect with more emotionally mature individuals. I love this idea about growth. Thank you for sharing. HQ: Excerpt I'm hopeful that I will have done a lot more work on myself before I find myself faced with a decision about attempting a new r/s as that's my main focus right now. It will be interesting to see if my taste changes as a result of that work. Interesting, indeed! Would you care to share a bit about the work you're doing? (No pressure. On my own journey & interested in how others are handling self-learning.) Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Jeffree on February 27, 2018, 09:43:05 AM The other day I chatted up an artsy-fartsy type gal at the checkout at a local grocer. This was my first attempt at dusting off my schtick. What inspired me was that she had a kind demeanor and a smile. It's a start.
J Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Lucky Jim on February 27, 2018, 09:59:07 AM Excerpt The other day I chatted up an artsy-fartsy type gal at the checkout at a local grocer. This was my first attempt at dusting off my schtick. What inspired me was that she had a kind demeanor and a smile. It's a start. @ Jeffree: As long as you're being authentic to what you find attractive (e.g., kind demeanor and a smile), then I'm all for you dusting off your schtick. It's about figuring out what you really like, I think. @ Insom: No, I don't seek out intensity anymore. Now I prefer a kind, steady sort of love. To quote myself in a former post, "I'd rather have good sex with a kind person that great sex with a persecutor"! LJ Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Jeffree on February 27, 2018, 10:16:07 AM Concerning my newer relationships, I would say that it's been great to find out that not all women consider me the horrible person that my Ex made me out to be. I would also say that I've learned that, without all the drama and turmoil, a relationship can be a fun, positive experience for both parties.
Now this would truly be a breath of fresh air for me, like discovering there truly is life on Mars. J Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Lucky Jim on February 27, 2018, 03:15:53 PM @ Jeffree: Maybe there is life on Mars! :)
@ Insom: One thing I've noticed about my choice of partners is that I used to look for women who were attracted to me, which is one reason why the intensity and love bombing by my BPDxW proved so effective and compelling. These days I look for women who I find attractive, which is a subtle, yet important difference. Of course there still needs to be chemistry and the sense that feelings are mutual, yet the starting point is different than it used to be for me. LJ Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: gotbushels on February 28, 2018, 06:09:36 AM ... . Yes! I agree so much with what you said here. To me, what you said is so much about balancing being okay without actually waiting? :)its also true i think, that the older we get, the smaller the pool of healthy, or qualified mates there are Yes! if i met my ex today, it would fizzle out quickly because we wouldnt have that unhealthy, yet dysfunctionally compatible, "click". Yes! I feel like the audience member for one of those "what's more" infomercials. I have asked myself; if I met someone like my ex--what would I do? That question came about when a friend suggested that a new prospect I was seeing "looks just like my ex" (the pwBPD one) (thoughts: "wow oh what really... .woops?) I would probably decrease my interest at every corresponding thing that doesn't look like where I want to be. For example, when a prospect shuts me down repeatedly when I want to discuss something, or not keeping her side of a "story" (e.g., standing me up!) Hindsight is nicely 20/20, and I'm happy to report that what I set out to do fits with what I would want to do if I met someone like my ex, or someone I wouldn't want to date. I hope things have been paying off nicely for everyone here in some way. :) Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Insom on March 13, 2018, 02:56:15 PM Hi, gotbushels!
I'm glad I checked back in because this paragraph you wrote feels inspiring and I missed it the first go-round. Excerpt . . . the glue to going forward was realising that a lot of what the *non* brings to each instance of dysregulation are qualities of openness, empathy, and in want of a healthy relationship. The realisation that these qualities are represented by the *non*--that observation is what gives permission to chase those things you want in life, outside and beyond the relationship with the pwBPD. It sounds like what you're saying is that there's a seed of hope at the center of these relationships. Would it be fair to say that they're clarifying? FWIW, my ex with BPD helped me clarify in a big way what I did and didn't want in a relationship going forward. Without the intense relationship experience I had with my BPD-ex I wonder where I may have ended up relationship-wise. Did he help me "work something out?" Might I have missed out on the qualities I love in my husband because I wouldn't have been ready for them? Did my ex help make me ready for a more mature relationship? Jeffree: Excerpt The other day I chatted up an artsy-fartsy type gal at the checkout at a local grocer. This was my first attempt at dusting off my schtick Ha! I love this. It's fun to start flirting again when you haven't done it in a long time. How are things going out there? Lucky Jim: Excerpt One thing I've noticed about my choice of partners is that I used to look for women who were attracted to me, which is one reason why the intensity and love bombing by my BPDxW proved so effective and compelling. These days I look for women who I find attractive, which is a subtle, yet important difference. Yes! I applaud this. One thing that's felt hard for me in life in general is understanding what I want as opposed to understanding how to please. This is big, imho. gotbushels: Excerpt I have asked myself; if I met someone like my ex--what would I do? Interesting question. Since I'm in a committed relationship it's kind of moot for me, though I do still find people who look and present themselves like my ex to be very interesting. I'm not sure I'm attracted to them though. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: gotbushels on March 14, 2018, 09:03:09 AM Hi Insom
Might I have missed out on the qualities I love in my husband because I wouldn't have been ready for them?  :)id my ex help make me ready for a more mature relationship? Fab questions. I'd like to see what someone else has to say about this one. :)Since I'm in a committed relationship it's kind of moot for me, though I do still find people who look and present themselves like my ex to be very interesting. I'm not sure I'm attracted to them though. Hmm! Well what are you sure of--do you have any more to add on your type? :) I'll scoot over and make some room in this boat with once removed.It sounds like what you're saying is that there's a seed of hope at the center of these relationships. Seed of hope? Not sure what you mean :) --hope for--?Would it be fair to say that they're clarifying? FWIW, my ex with BPD helped me clarify in a big way what I did and didn't want in a relationship going forward. Yes. Certainly; clarifying. I feel the same way too. I wrote a list of limits after the pwBPD relationship--it basically ended up being a whole bunch of things I didn't want. :) Put differently--I share this next bit not to discredit pwBPDs, but to support other nons call the benefit for how it is--I guess the pwBPDex helped me create a laundry list of everything I don't want. Thus, clarity. Without the intense relationship experience I had with my BPD-ex I wonder where I may have ended up relationship-wise. Did he help me "work something out?" I've often wondered the same thing. I guess that question has been part of the reflection and recovery. I think there was a user (mod?) here who shared that when the benefits (includes learning) outweigh the anger, that's when the image of the relationship goes from a "I wish I never met her" to "I'm glad I did, but if I had a choice, I'd skip the relationship". So yes--"how did this experience help me", I'm wondering right there with you. :)I have a near certainty that my relational life is nowhere near as high quality as it is today if it wasn't for that crumby encounter with the pwBPD. If I could have got just the goods without the crumby relationship, I'd still take that choice. :) Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: heartandwhole on March 14, 2018, 10:14:25 AM What an interesting thread!
Since my breakup, I feel that stability is high on my list. Someone who knows what he wants (which means I need to know what I want, too). The intensity that I experienced with pwBPD is something that I am not looking for. Intimacy, yes. Intensity for intensity's sake, no thanks. I've found that the most intense feelings don't necessarily mean that there is some kind of profound/fated connection. It can actually mean trauma bonding, neediness, dysfunction. Nothing against passion, mind you. But I think nowadays I'm more into laughter and joy, shared values, willingness to be vulnerable, more than excitement and challenge. heartandwhole Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Jeffree on March 14, 2018, 10:59:43 AM Ha! I love this. It's fun to start flirting again when you haven't done it in a long time. How are things going out there?
It is the wild, wild West out there. Waaaaay back in November there was an attractive woman at my brother-in-law's family's Thanksgiving dinner. I had already been warned about her by my sister. She's been on various street and non-Rx drugs over the years, drinks too much, doesn't have much going for her, has some phantom BF who never shows up at anything... .I was not going to try anything other than chat her up. Well, the other day my sister was told that I was not welcomed to my BIL's family's Easter dinner because apparently I tried to jam my tongue down said attractive woman's throat. For some reason this woman is making a mountain out of a friendly goodbye peck, the same goodbye peck I gave to all those who such a farewell and thank you was warranted. I swear... .is it me? J Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: calledandchosen on June 09, 2018, 02:47:28 PM Yes--great thread!
I still want the intensity of a partner who believes his feelings and emotions are important--enough to express them to me, and brutal honesty. I don't like having to read a man's mind. I would rather deal with a man's anger at me than silent treatments or other games. BPDpeople can seem assertive, strong and passionate compared to others when it comes to being in touch with their feelings, but that's because they lead with their negative emotions and don't consider the people around them when they do so. It's rare to meet people who positively own their own emotions, but I'm not giving up. It's so attractive. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Cromwell on June 09, 2018, 06:16:46 PM Has your taste in partners changed since getting out of a relationship with someone with BPD? Mine did, though there was an adjustment period. As a younger person I found myself attracted to charismatic guys. Unusualness was attractive to me as was boys/men with distinctive traits like tallness, sharp verbal wit, high intelligence, etc. Now it's kindness that attracts me. How about you? I often sought out women who I was heavily infactuated with and if we clicked emotionally, id see that as a positive byproduct to try a r/s with. I still find it hard to look beyond sexual appeal, although I have found my taste in partners change subtly towards women that can offer a more caring and compassionate side. Probably due to the outfall from my ex, I see these qualities as sexually attractive by themselves. what I can say is that in the past I overlooked a lot of serious character flaws in my partners due to them having high physical attractiveness ratings, at the same time I ended r/ships with women that did not look as attractive but were kind natured. I think maybe my experience with BPD, I reaped what i sowed in my 20s ive hurt some people due to my superficiality and I feel not only bad for it, but that I genuinely lost out because of it. im in my early 30s, unmarried with a step child i am close to from a previous r/s. my taste in partners hasnt changed substantially except that I wont trade good looks for nastiness like I did with my BPDx. Ive had dates with good looking women but I havent been able to click emotionally and a big part of that is this need to have a partner where there is some element of dysfunctional behaviour. Im working hard on myself to realign this and search for more stability and finding someone who can excite me but in a positive non-toxic way. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: gotbushels on June 10, 2018, 12:43:04 AM calledandchosen
I would rather deal with a man's anger at me than silent treatments or other games. Me too, I'd feel the same way with a relationship with a female partner. We're not alone on this one as a close female friend shared nearly the exact same idea with me--she too likes to talk things though.I still want the intensity of a partner who believes his feelings and emotions are important--enough to express them to me, and brutal honesty. I don't like having to read a man's mind. Just chiming in to share this thing. I think it's okay not to read a partner's mind. I don't expect that of my partner either. I think it helps to communicate this clearly with a future partner too. I think this would have been almost impossible with my ex--if I can't read her mind, then I "don't love her", and a breakup sequence would then follow. :) I think we can feel safe to move past that for ourselves--why set an expectation for us to mindread our partners? I wouldn't even expect this superhuman feat of a pwBPD's therapist. It think it's no longer necessary to expect ourselves to have supernatural power if we aren't dating a pwBPD. :) Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Insom on June 12, 2018, 01:11:27 PM calledandchosen:
Excerpt I still want the intensity of a partner who believes his feelings and emotions are important--enough to express them to me, and brutal honesty. I don't like having to read a man's mind. Iinteresting! I think I get what you mean by intensity. Can you say more about "brutal honesty?" What does a positive mix of intensity + brutal honesty look like to you? Cromwell: Excerpt my taste in partners hasnt changed substantially except that I wont trade good looks for nastiness like I did with my BPDx . . . Im working hard on myself to realign this and search for more stability and finding someone who can excite me but in a positive non-toxic way. It sounds like you've added a criteria to what your'e looking for in a relationship. In addition to physical attractiveness/excitement you're also seeking a degree of stability and that kindness may or may not feel like an attractive quality at the moment. You're open to kindness being attractive though it hasn't felt exciting to you in the past. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Parters Changed? Post by: DogMan75 on June 16, 2018, 10:49:46 AM No. His illusion was the type of person I am attracted to. I like that. I kept beating myself up for deluding myself, but really, how could I have seen? She was a master of playing a role. Even after learning what she was, there were still facets I didn’t, couldn't see until after it was all over. There was nothing wrong in the qualities I found attractive in her. It just turns out some of those qualities weren’t real. Title: Re: Has Your Taste in Partners Changed? Post by: Harley Quinn on June 16, 2018, 09:43:08 PM HQ: Interesting, indeed! Would you care to share a bit about the work you're doing? (No pressure. On my own journey & interested in how others are handling self-learning.) I don't believe I answered your question Insom. Yes, when it comes to relationships I've reached the understanding that I'm drawn to those who fill a need in me. Consciously I don't want to be with someone because of need. I consider myself a highly independent person so realising that unconscious needs have been driving my decision making in this area doesn't sit well with me at all. I've always described a healthy r/s as one where two people are together not out of any need for one another but because they want to be together, regardless of the fact they don't need to be. I hope that makes sense as it's crazy o'clock here. Anyway I want to be with someone that compliments me rather than completes me. I'm working on removing the unhealthy needs. Love and light x |