BPDFamily.com

Greetings everyone, hope all is well. I wanted to start this topic regarding breaking no contact with my ex-girlfriend who is a BPD sufferer. I went no contact with her after the new year. Have not heard from her. I went through a lot of mixed emotions the last few months. As many know I was very close to her daughter, I loved her like my own child. When I left I never said goodbye. I just went to the house, got my dog and my stuff then left without looking back. That decision has haunted me ever since. She was this sweet little blonde girl, I loved her so much. And I never goodbye to her, never saw her again after that. I always dread the day I would ever run into her, as we live in a small town and it is inevitable that we would see each other.

Over the weekend I got heavily intoxicated, and had a meltdown of sorts. It was over that little girl, I only got that way once in my life and it was over my own kids. The next day I spent time thinking, and I came to the conclusion that I was tired of feeling like the victim. I was tired of living in fear of running into them. I was also tired of this lingering feeling of regret, something holding me back, so I decided it was time to send her an email. Nothing fancy, just something to show I have no hate, thank you for everything, I wish you well. I know she is in a relationship, and I assumed I was still split black so I was careful not to say anything that would trigger her.

I sent it last night around 12am. I never expected a response, but I did feel some relief when I sent it. I went into work this morning not dwelling on it , not hoping for anything, just kind of relaxed and indifferent. When I least expected it, she texted me on her lunch break. Last I remember she blocked me from her phone. She replied that she got my email, was glad I was doing well, and she was doing well also, it was a mixture of positive and negative of course, she implied in her text that I was trying to fault her in some way. I think that was just her projection, because again I was very careful with what I wrote.

We shared only 3 or 4 texts, I was very polite, but also neutral, somewhat indifferent, she was a little hostile, her emotional state seemed to be a little shaky, because in one text she implied she was upset by what I said in the email, then when I replied that I did not intend to upset her, she retorted that she was not upset by it. Also her grammar seemed to be a little off, her words were a little jumbled when she put them into sentences, almost like some words were backwards, she also mispelled some words, and used no commas or periods, only dashes which I found very odd. She used to have a very specific texting technique, she never mispelled, always used proper grammar and punctuation. I know that sounds petty, but it is noticable that her texting style has change a bit. Has anyone experienced anything like that with their ex? One example of her strange texting grammar:

"I know for me I am a passionate person and certain people will bring out certain emotions/feelings in each other-or not".

Any thoughts on that?

Also I noticed that her outlook on our relationship has changed some how. Last time we spoke she said some pretty horrible things to say to me, told me I was a loser, not a man, she has a real man now, our relationship was a joke, she is glad it is over, I should work on being a better man because I am too much of boy, blah blah blah. Today she texted me that " We did not appreciate each other as much as we should have". Also regarding the better man comment, she now says " I don't necessarily feel you had to become a better man". I found that very odd. So I sent a text that "glad we are on the same page, take care". And she texted the same, and I left it at that. Simple yet strange experience, I do feel some relief, to be honest, I feel like I might have gotten some closure out of this. I have no intention of contacting her in the future,  not sure if she will, but I am glad this happened, and I can keep moving forward. Let me know your thoughts.

Hey Maxpax, I'm glad you feel like you resolved something here.

What's next for you? Any plans for life moving forward?

Well I am still working on my education. I am back in the dating field, that seems to be going alright. All my debt is paid off. I am just trying to save money for a house. Just seems like everything is starting to fall in to place.

Hey, Maxpax2011!

Did this email/text exchange help you gain some needed closure on the end of this relationship?

I hope so. Sometimes, closing the door on painful things can help us see new opportunities for growth, or even new doors to open.

Thank you for the update.  I'm glad that things are beginning to fall into place for you.

Keep writing if it helps.


-Speck

Yes in a way it did. I do feel some relief. I still care for her, and I do feel bad that she is still suffering with this disorder and will never be truly happy, but what can I do? Life goes on, I hope one day she is able to get the help she needs. Thanks for your support.

Not a thing. The kind of help that she needs will have to be her idea. Although, I can certainly appreciate that you still care for her and love her, even. Sometimes, when it comes to pwBPD, we need to just love them from a distance... .for our own sanity. 


-Speck

Your right about that. You cant help someone that won't help themselves. And for people on here that still feel angry towards their ex just know that like I learned, these people may seem happy without us, they may seem happy on social media and may even seem happy when they interact with us, but in reality they are not.

Three months ago my ex went out of her way to hurt me, constantly flaunting the new partner in my face. Told me how horrible I was, how horrible our relationship was. In our most recent conversation there was no mention of the partner, no attempts at jealousy, no hurtful or vengeful words, her attitude about our relationship Even changed.


 They say when you communicate with a BPD person you have to look beyond what they say, because what they say may not always make sense, but the meaning behind it could. Their emotions drive their actions, and their communication, it's not logical for an adult but we have to remember they are not adults. They are like children. All I could sense from her, was regret, sadness, and loneliness. As much as she hurt me, I felt no anger towards her, only pity. She will never get help for her disorder, she does not have a supportive family. I feel sorry for her more than anything. So when you move on from the anger and the hurt you have to realize that you can be healthy and happy with your life, they will never be. I still love her. But I know I am better off. I will just love her from a distance.

Let me play devil's advocate for a minute here.

It's a misnomer to say that a person suffering from a mental illness will never be happy. There are plenty of members here, especially on the family boards, that have seen their pwBPD go into remission and lead happy, positive lives. It is tough. It requires work. But it's not impossible, and we shouldn't think of it like it is.

Part of moving on is learning to acknowledge our own mistakes in the relationship. We're not accepting our part in the relationship (we played a major role) when we make these all or nothing statements. It is more likely than not that we will make the same exact mistakes in the future if we don't analyze these things fairly (and carefully).

This kind of introspection is painful. In some ways it is just as hard as what our pwBPD need to do to turn things around themselves. But I'd urge you to go down this path as opposed to any others. What brought us and our pwBPD together? Why did we stay? And what can we do in the future to improve our relationships with others?

Very good point. :)