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Did anyone’s partner ever say things that acknowledged their issues?

I’m talking usual complete denial and twisting and then suddenly saying something like I think I can be toxic in people’s lives.

My person said a few things like this to me and I am weary about writing them down because it’s valuable to me and I feel like I have to guard them. But anybody else have this experience?

Yes. Once after we had been intimate, out of the blue, she started crying and said “I hope I get my s**t together because I don’t want to lose you”. It didn’t make sense to me at the time. Looking back, it was just another time where she was telling me exactly who she is. There were several times that she did, from the very beginning, and I ignored all of it or didn’t understand at the time.

Yes she did during the second meeting. She said, after behaving strange, "I have personality problems and identity problems".

It was unknown to me and I didn't respond to that, which I regret today. But this is not a romantic relationship - just a close friendship with the typical BPD problems.

Yes- early on she said something to the effect that I was pretty kind hearted and she was harsh and I might not like that.

She also broke down in tears one time kind of out of the blue and said she brings out the worst in some people (referring to her partners).

Of course these moments were rare and she went right back to blaming everything on others shortly after.

Mine told me she has a "frontal lobe" issue. She said this after she raged at me and threw me against a wall (I had PTSD for months after that incident). I was about to call the police and she sat in my living room rocking in a chair repeating over and over, I have frontal lobe issues, I have frontal lobe issues.

I had just been spat on in the face and tossed against a wall and rather than think of my safety I looked at this woman with a deep sadness. When I think of these things, I know, even though I have been replaced this person is still very, very sick. It made me more compassionate and acceptant of our break up. She could have killed me in those moments, she wasn't rational, she was strong and dangerous.

I stayed with her two more years after this incident. I finally looked up "frontal lobe issues" and found this:
https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pubmed/16330602

She likely had BPD. That's how I ended up here.

I have two pages of these comments. And it should be enough to validate me when I doubt.

Things like:
“I think I am a monster to people. But only to people that I know”

-I mentioned some of this in my history, but she would say things from time to time:

“I feel like I’m broken”

“I don’t know who I am”

“I’m afraid I’ll succumb to all this one day”

-The two times she almost ended it and then changed her mind she was saying:

“I need to learn to love myself”

“I don’t want anything from anyone. Just leave me alone”

“You tried to pick up something broken, and got cut.

-Last conversation I had with her I was talking to her about how we connected well and it was so easy for us to talk to, she replied:

“I’m like that with everyone, I leave a path of destruction everywhere I go”

-She was able to post pictures of her smiling every time this happened shortly after. What she felt or did after that last conversation I’ll never know, blocked and threatens with a R/O

-Stay well everyone

A few I can remember off the top of my head:

"I can't soothe myself."

"I know I act crazy sometimes."

"I've been described as conflict avoidant."

WOW... .just WOW... .all so similar!

I'm a monster... .I don't want to be this man... .
After a "seemingly attempted suicide" he said I don't want to lose you... .
I'm broken but I'm worth it
I used to be a terrible lover
I can read peoples minds... .just from the creases in their faces... .
I'm drawn to broken women (I wasn't broken - at the time)
I'm a social chameleon
You tried to fix me
You love me in desperation
I destroy everyone I love

It's like these people are pulled aside and taught how to behave... .everything we have all experienced is so similar... .

My ex would pout, "I know I'm alot to handle," and then he would blame me for his emotional dysregulation. He would whine, "I never want to be a burden to you like I am to my ex-wife," and then he would initiate unwanted physical intimacy.

In other words, his brief moments of insight were immediately followed by raging and blaming and demands.

Yes, exactly.
My case too.
He would deny there were any patterns to his behaviors. He would tell me that it was just me he treated this way and that it was because of me.
Contrasted with this statement:
I think I’m a monster to be people.  But only to people i know. I think I can be toxic in people’s lives.
Also contrasted with him telling me that he really is a good person and it’s my fault if I see him badly.

So obviously on some level he has awareness but yeah the contrast is interesting.

Yeah “I destroy anyone I love” is pretty telling and then was it otherwise all denial and blame?

Very similiar statements here too
“Nobody loves better than I do”
“I have a broken mind. A broken soul”

“I can cry on command. I think I would make a really good actor”

Sometimes my ex would blame me, saying "I've never been like this with any woman before". Other times he would blame external circumstances, saying "I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at this situation". Either way, I was expected to be a silent sponge for his rage.

One time he gave me the old "No man will ever want you, no man will ever love you the way I do" line, and I blurted out without thinking, "God, I hope so!"

Here is sort of a strange one... .

I had never mentioned the phrase BPD to him, or any of the traits for that matter, but we had discussed his rage issues during a calm time of his trying to reunite, where he admitted to raging at everyone.

Then one day he allowed me to relate a pretty long story of a past friendship (dated back from my childhood) that ended 4 years ago.  I told him I was emotional and I wanted to let go of the pain of it once and for all.  He agreed to listen and he had been amazingly stable for a few months.   I told him about her anger, wreckless sexual behavior, alcohol and drug abuse, devaluing and recycles of me, etc.  and that she was then trying to recycle our friendship again and I don't want to do it anymore. 

He was listening very intently and asking questions.  I finished by saying, "through all of my studying, I believe she may have what's called Borderline Personality Disorder ".  I didn't tell him the causes of BPD... .

And my "uBPD BF" said... .you know Gems, with what YOU went through, if anyone should have it, you should, but you don't.

We were in the car and he was driving.  I was so glad he could NOT see my expression at the moment he said those words.  I thought, "my GOD, he does know what he has... ."

I was so dumbfounded, I said nothing... .  right now, he and I are "off again", oh where oh where has my BPD gone?  I guess he has stolen my mail from the P.O. Box, which is his plan to force contact from me.

That's life... .

Gemsforeyes

It’s funny you should say that’s life. I heard that Sinatra song at the grocery store the other day and was feeling it way too much.

So Tiki... .at the bottom of your post it says ":)ay 11.  Please let me get to 60"

I got there a few months ago, was talking about that on the phone tonight with a dear, old friend.  And sitting here on a lonely night like this I'm thinking... .now what?

Sorry... .I got off topic.  Sometimes the sadness just runs so deep.

Once, (years ago) after our first few dates, my uBPDw said to me:

"I was talking to my friend about you last week. I told her that I thought you were too good for me."

At the time, I didn't know what she meant by that. I assured her that she must be joking. She said that she wasn't.

---

Once, a couple of years ago:

"You're the most principled person I know.  You wouldn't have liked me when I was in my 20s."

Again, I didn't know what she meant by that.



-Speck

Well I went NC six months ago and it took two months for me to feel clear. Of course that was before my psychological health was so affected. I’m just hoping at two months out it’s got to be better then this. My big problem was engaging and making things worse. If I stop giving things the opportunity to get worse then hopefully at least some things will return to normal. I know I see many people are still struggling long periods of time down the road. I just basically need to not engage and not be SO affected by his presence in my neighborhood. What a  person.

Oh, I forgot one more glaring cognitive dissonance: he would tell me, "I need you to help me control my drinking and eating," and when I would suggest strategies, he would rage like a toddler with a bursting diaper, "You can't tell me what to do!"

“Something really is wrong with me though and I don’t know what it is. Everybody else just seems so self aware and I could never be like that”

"I am dead inside". "I am a 100 percent thinker.  One way or the other"

"I don't know how to be". 

In the beginning I thought being a 100 percent thinker might mean being motivated.

But that was her saying she splits people black or white with no in between.

That could also be interpreted as 'I don't want to be like that'.  A pwBPD feels overwhelming emotions and a great deal of self loathing and shame.  Looking into that is a scary prospect.  My ex was diagnosed because he identified the issues in his life as being of his own creation and recognised his behaviours were not healthy.  His self awareness led him to be deeply self loathing and he did not cope well at all with the shame he carried.

He also went on to say that is why he likes music. Because then when other people express their emotions by proxy he can identify what he is feeling. And stressed again that he could never be self aware enough to express himself like that.

When I first approached him on the subject of BPD he responded with “of course I have borderline personality disorder” and told me that he told me years ago... I have no recollection, but then I wouldn’t even have known what that meant. Then a week later told me that he guesses he doesn’t have it because he went to a new therapist and she said she didn’t think he had it because a person doesn’t get to 34 years old without a BPD diagnosis and that BPD is not a subtle thing. I’m like but it’s not a subtle thing! She’s like a fresh out of college MSW. Then again I don’t know for sure what he is telling me is even the truth. It seems like he uses therapy to validate him falsely.

But I later approached him on it again and he said that he does think about whether or not he has it and that he does struggle with that question. At the time I was saying then your behavior is not your fault and I will be supportive if you try to do something about it. He must have done research because he came back and said if I accept this diagnosis my life would be over because there is no cure and no way out. He said accepting that would be a life sentence. And I thought well gee that shouldn’t be why you accept or reject reality ie because you can’t deal with it.

So I don’t know.

@Tiki - mine would communicate with music, often would send a song reflecting her current mood and feelings.

I was sent the songs too. Funnily enough tiki my ex said it took him until age 34 to realise that it wasn't just that everyone else was a b... .(his words) and that there must in fact be a problem with him. That's when he was diagnosed. I can see how acceptance can be hard, as it could be interpreted that everything they are is wrong, which is shame inducing.

Cat, that’s what mine did! She wouldn’t apologize or talk about anything, but she would send me sweet songs. It’s funny. We did music sharing at the start of our relationship. We’d exchange CD’s each time we met.

This is so weird he begged me to listen to a song too. He is like please this is how I feel will you please listen to it. And I didint because I was working on detaching and didn’t want my emotions to be activated. But that is so weird the similarity.

The morning she broke it off, we had a weird conversation, and I may have been a bit passive aggressive, we talked about our plans for the day. She was going out with her friends, and I told her I’m going with one of mine (female, who loves my car, so I was cleaning it. she sent me Eminem/ed sheerans song “River”. I told her she’s just a friend and she’s like I’m just sending a song doesn’t mean anything (every song in the past meant something)

I’ll never know if she referred to me being unfaithful, or was she talking about herself being unfaithful. Either way, she’s ruined Eminem’s music for me .

Once during a particularly horrible rage, pretty much near the beginning of my seeing these, I tried to take his hand to calm him down.  He pulled his hand away and screamed "you're NOT going to MAKE ME hit you so you can call the cops!

I was like ... ."Huuuuuuuuuuhhhhh?"

But now writing this, I think he was blaming ME for the fact that my ex-husband was arrested for throwing me across the room and into a wall.  That was before he met my ex-husband, who he absolutely hates with a passion.  I don't think he blames me for that now.

Wow... .   I remember sitting one evening working on the laptop and he was (as usual) flipping through his iPAD.   He looked over at me and said "I think I may be tri polar" and was reading through some things.   This was NOT in the middle of what I would call an "event" (and there were many) so it caught me off guard.   I didn't think a lot of it until the events got worse and worse and read up on that self diagnosis.   It had a lot of similarities to BPD (not sure how BPD and tri polar fits).   Now it seem eerie that he came up with that because he (to this day) thinks he has no issues whatsoever and it is all my manifestation. 

Another weird thing throughout the relationship is that he would say his friends (that have known him for a long time) would say to him ... ."does she really know all about you?" and I thought it was his way of saying he was a little out there, but maybe they meant that he had some significant issues... .and he still does.

"My head is wrong"

"I'm fine when there's no one else around. I can't hear their thoughts and feel like I need to be something."

Asked her one night if she was doing something because she wanted to or because she thought I wanted her to; her response:

"What's the difference, in my head it's all the same."

Lots of "I'm empty inside."

And, a particularly sad moment when she admitted to noticing a pattern of dating strong, independent people, who then became needy and insecure after not too long with her. "I did that to them. I did this to you."

Also, a ton of admission about splitting people. Before deciding to file for divorce, she said "It's important to me to rescue your reputation from people, since I made them believe bad stuff."

Yep. Former uBPD relationship partner would often sit and in what I now believe were her lucid moments, she would somberly and softly cry that she was such an a$$h*le and that she did not deserve to have me in her life.

Of course I always assured her she was wonderful and worthy of my love. Lesson learned. When person with BPD tells you who they are, BELIEVE THEM.

I now believe this was the single, genuine truth she spoke to me in our 3 year relationship.

This reminds me of a moment shortly after my BPDexgf and I reconciled for the first and only time after she walked out. She said "I didn't trash you out to all my friends."

She also said one time "I don't want you to see my vindictive side."

She also screamed "I hate myself!" on a number of occasions along with some other sad stuff.

Oh yes, and as you begin to heal and process, don’t be shocked if a memory comes to you remembering some odd or mean thing your person said about their former lover. Then it may hit you... .they are most likely doing/saying something very similar about you to their new lover. Sigh... .

And memories turn to epiphanies of Wow... .that’s what they REALLY meant when they said “x,y,z”! :thought:

Buckle up, the post-op review ride down memory lane has some white knuckle moments.

This is so fascinating. It’s like you feel so starved for validation but if you think back there it is.

I couldn’t agree more Tiki. We have all heard the same things .

"I don't deserve you"
"I'm broken"
"You're my only friend, I don't need any others"
"I hate how much this affects my life and the lives of others"
"I know I'll end up alone if I carry on acting this way"
"I'm a horrible person in a horrible place. You didn't deserve that"

I'm sure I could think of more if I really tried.

I've heard a few and am not sure why she says them sometimes.  I think they usually happen in the middle of a discussion, only when she has initiated the conversation about some personal topic, and I have been receptive, so maybe there is a point when she feels comfortable and not threatened enough to say something like:

"I know that I blame you for things you have not done."

"I know I can be paranoid" -- in connection with accusing me of infidelity.

"I know my fear of abandonment may become a self-fulfilling prophecy."

Unfortunately, no matter how delicately I have tried to follow up on these with her, I have never been successful.  It feels like she has small windows of insight, which disappear and don't return, or at least she doesn't express them to me again.

TRB --- 
"I know my fear of abandonment may become a self-fulfilling prophecy."

I'll say... .my UnBPDSO wouldn't admit it, but the actions that would push anyone away were memorable.    There were times I ranged from "what is wrong with you" to "are you trying to get rid of me".

I heard all of the similarities in third person as he would talk about how his mother treated his dad (horribly)... .and I couldn't help but see the similarities with his mom.   Not a compliment at all.

Absolutely!

"I do unforgivable things."
"I will break your heart."
"I know I'm manipulative."
"I'm toxic."
"I will hurt you."
"I'm abusive."

Etc etc. I dismissed it as his self-hatred warping his views of himself; I still think that's the case (he is overstating it all) but I'm still never going to go back. I don't blame him for this though. Mostly I am just so, so sad for him.