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The one thing I find most disturbing about my past relationship is this: I can't for the life of me remember what exactly we fought about all those years.

When I try to summarize what went on in the last decade I catch myself thinking (almost matter of fact): "Ah, we also had a terrible fight during that vacation" - "We shouted at each other at the top of our lungs that Christmas... ." - "That summer she sobbed uncontrollably on the floor in front of me." - ":)uring that World Cup I threatened to sleep in the bath tub one night because I was so exhausted and angry... ."

But I can't say why we fought. It's all in a FOG. I'm wondering whether "our fights" were just her creating drama to draw attention and control me. And afterwards she made me take responsibility for "our conflicts" by blaming me for them.

Do you know what I mean?

I was thinking something similar a couple days ago.  I have such a good memory that I have earned the role of "rememberer" in my family and friendships.  I can tell you minute details of many of the "inciting incidents" that led me to start asking for a separation, move out of our bedroom, and the frightening things that happened in the weeks before I decided to leave, but I can't for the life of me remember what happened in the days leading up to me actually deciding to leave.  I don't remember what "the final straw" was.  I also have to say that the memories of some of those inciting incidents has faded to a degree that is surprising, especially considering how well I remember so many other things.

In some ways my inability to remember brings me comfort.  I think some of those memories have faded because I have processed and released them.  I held onto some of the most painful memories as a shield in the early months.  They kept the reality of what I would face if I went back without demanding something different from myself and him at the forefront of my mind.  As I have gotten to a place where I feel safer I have been able to release the pain and anger that made those memories so sharp.

I think some of the memories are stored away for later processing.  Every once in a while a memory will bubble up and I have the opportunity to examine it and learn from it.  I suspect that if/when I start a new relationship this may happen more frequently.  I hope that I will be able to remember in a way that helps me face my fears and confront my failings.

I also think that I released some of the need to remember details when I come to a realization that it wasn't the individual behaviors that I wanted to change.  I wanted the heart behind them to change.  The details didn't matter as much then.

Do you want to remember the details?  Do you think it would help?

I find it hard to remember a lot too, Wolfsocks. My ex and I never really got into arguments like you describe, and there was never much shouting, but the dynamic manifested problems in other ways. She would withdraw, or I would, and there were lots of circular conversations that she initiated and I enabled to continue.

A lot of these styles of communication stem from things that were out of our control (on both our part and the part of our pwBPD). They wanted to communicate about things. We saw a lot of these things as unimportant or irrational, made things worse, and didn't think for ourselves when it came to problem solving. That was our choice at the time. It's over now... .but what do we take from it?


I think it's pretty natural to wonder why. The real lesson is that it takes two to tango—a fight can't be had with only one person involved.

So, why do you think that you fought with her rather than pursuing other options during conflict?

I don't think I want to remember all the details. It would help to know what it was all about - what the core of it all was. Your way of processing sounds healthy - maybe I should also try it more gradually.


Thanks for this question, valet! I think there were several reasons why I choose to engage in these fights with her:

1. One of her main accusations was that I wasn't truly committed. In those moments I felt so unjustly treated that I wanted to defend myself.

2. I was a believer (and still am) in the power of good and honest conversations. My hope was that by going over these issues we could solve them. To an extent I thought that "fighting" was helpful because we could address and solve our conflicts.

3. My boundaries were weak. Whenever I tried to leave a conversation that had started to become hostile she accused me of being a coward and of being unable to deal with criticism and conflict. I wanted to prove to her that this was wrong and so we continued the fight.

I think whenever she adressed an core aspect of my identity (kindness, committment, constructivity, good communicaton) it felt impossible for me to disengage. Proving her wrong was like an obsession to me.

i think that a lot of us were running on adrenaline and/or auto pilot during the relationship. it stands to reason that that would leave a lot of blur/fog, and hard memories may not be formed.

you may or may not remember them. sometimes i remember little things, and big things, some emotionally charged, some not at all.

relevant, and one of my favorite resources on "fair fighting rules": https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=164901.0

also, good insight Wolfsocks! i think a lot of us can relate to the desire to prove our exes wrong. i tried to take time outs too, but rarely could i resist trying to get in a dig when my buttons were pushed. it will take you a long way to see things that clearly.

Wolfsocks, I’m so glad that you posted this. I’m mainly on the detaching board, but I had to respond to this. There’s so much that I don’t remember about what started our conflicts. Maybe what started them was simply insignificant so we don’t recall it. Maybe we only remember the fighting. This is a topic that has really been bothering me. For me, it’s one of those things that falls in the, “am I the crazy one?”, category. I’m really sorry that you’re experiencing this as well, but I’m so glad to have found others that are feeling this as well. It can get very lonely while trying to recover from all of this. Thanks for putting this out there, Wolfsocks. Bless you.

Over the years, I use to think that I had a pretty good memory of things said and done. Not photographic memory but the main items. Living with my BPDxw created a ton of doubt with my memory. It was only after we separated back in 2015 that I was able to reconstruct that confidence in my memory albeit very slowly. Since our interactions were 95% text or email and the fact that I wrote almost every interaction in my journal, I was able to go back hundreds of times to verify what was said or done. Of course I wasn't correct 100% of the time but much closer to 100% than she was. Facts and figures were and are my friend when it comes to her.

As far as the fights when we were together, I don't even try anymore to remember what they were about. I came to accept what my part was in the fight and what I do differently now whether it is with my BPDxw or anyone.

Excellent post Wolfsocks. Thanks for sharing!

I find it hard to drill down to specifics when anything and everything could have set her off. Not only that, but there was never any resolution to any of the fights started by her, so it could be a carryover from before, an offshoot of a past argument, or a whole new one. I could give a crud about why anymore. All I know is that the argument store is closed for good now.

J

You said it, Jeffree. No resolution. Ever! Any attempt was either ignored or attacked.