BPDFamily.com

For background on some things my wife has done reference -
 www.talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/403889-am-i-out-options.html (http://www.talkaboutmarriage.com/general-relationship-discussion/403889-am-i-out-options.html).

I apologize beforehand for not being more involved in this community like I would have liked to. I haven't had the opportunity to. The reason I have time to write a thread is because I now feel as broken down as I possibly can and a big part of me wants to separate and find happiness again.

I can only imagine how many times someone has heard this: I can't take it anymore. I've never felt so depressed in my life and never expected to. It pains me to say it. I want out. I've tried to be a reasonable husband and father. I consider separating and think about it whenever my wife makes me upset. In other words every day.

I need to know if what I'm feeling is reasonable. I also need to know if there's anyway to go about this.

My wife recently mentioned she wanted a third child. (We have a 5 month old together and a 6 year old who is my stepdaughter. But of course I see her as my own.) I love my children. After she gave birth 5 months ago we both agreed happily right after that 2 was enough.

She's changed her mind of course. She wants a third and she wants it now or never. There's several reasons why.

1.) Shes starting a career in photography. I recently bought her her first professional camera. She claims that she wants a third now because she, strongly, does not want to put it on hold.

For instance she says she can start making money with pictures right now. If we have a third, shell have to put everything on hold. She doesn't want to do that. (P.s. she's not able to start now regardless because of our 5 month old and she doesn't want a babysitter or daycare).

2.) She doesn't want to wait too long because having another baby around age 25 is too late for her. She wants them early so she can have more freedom as she's older.

3.) She wants to visit another country soon after we're done having kids. But she doesn't want to wait too long or else it's too late. (In 22, she's 21)

4.) She wants to start working out *after* having children to maintain her body. She will not work out now because she doesn't want to "just stop" after becoming pregnant.

5.) Her hair is falling out. She doesn't want it to grow back just to have it potentially fall out again after getting pregnant.

6.) She wants to get anxiety treatment; but not if she's about to get pregnant. She doesn't want to "just stop" taking medication. So she'd rather seek treatment after a third.

I've told her for months that I would be happy with just our 2 daughters, or a third. I'm happy no matter what.

There's only one issue for me. Yes you all have guessed it. Finance.

We are okay financially. Except recently with just a bit of debt in medical bills. But because I mention that we are okay financially, she thinks that means we are okay financially in bringing in another child into the family.

I am the sole provider for our family and we rent out a very affordable 3 story house. I've been great in budgeting since I joined the military at 18.

This doesn't mean that I'm okay with being irresponsible with finances such as gaining debt in medical bills and potentially damaging our credit (not necessarily due to the bills).

I drew out our finances for my wife and threw in having a third. Our finances went negative.

She still says "I don't agree with it". It being, my reason for not being financially ready for a third.

She recently talked with her parents who understand both of our point of views and they're happy I think this way. (Wanting a hefty savings account, being prepared, good standing credit, etc). Her parents also mentioned helping with medical bills essentially paying off everything.

My wife expected me to be all for it. With as much respect as I could muster, I was grateful but genuinely would not want anyone paying for things that I am responsible for.

I explained to my wife that I watched my parents work harder than anyone I know of growing up. They did it all on their own from scratch. I gain my values of being responsible and being my own man from watching them.

Because of all of this, my wife has said a few things that hurt. Example, "F*** you. I'm glad I'm never having kids with you again." *Slams the door to go shower*. I wasn't able to sleep until 1am that night.
Another, "I'm getting my tubes tied because I never want to have kids with you again."

I seek a public audience for an honest impression of my actions and reasons. Am I in the wrong here at all? Am I truly oblivious to my wrong doings?

We're closing in on 2 years of marriage. I'm beginning to lose many feelings for my wife because she's damaged me every single day, give or take a few days in between of no belittling, arguing, angry at me, etc, and it's beginning to settle in.

I think about separation a lot. I know it would be the best option for everyone involved currently. But right now I feel it is impossible to shake my feelings of fear, sadness, and thinking that separation is wrong and I would not have the strength to go through with it.

Are there any other options?

Quick edit:

She mentioned she wants me to return her camera and everything I've bought her for photography. She says I might as well because shes not going to do photography for a long time.

I just came up to our room and she has all of it packed up on top of my laptop.

This is going to make her spark an argument when I tell her she doesn't need to do that. I feel like this is her trying to manipulate me.

Figuring out to have another kid via threats and manipulation is no good.

Was this kind of thing present before the birth?

FF

If your wife was in her late 30's - then her urgency would make sense. She's 21 and your youngest is 5 months old. This does not have to be decided right now. The only crisis right now is your wife being upset that you did not agree immediately.

The mean things she is saying is due to her being dysregulated and unable to handle her frustration.

The tools on this board will help you to understand and respond in a way that does not fuel drama.

You have time to think about the additional baby. In the meantime if you are not ready to have another then birth control should be your responsibility as she may not be inclined to use it if she wants to have a baby right away.

Subtle threats and manipulation, yes. At this point I feel I'm being used. She asks for favors every day for things she can do on her own.
"Can you hand me my phone" *phone is one step away*
"Can you bring me water" *a gallon is two steps away*
"Can you go to the store to buy me chocolate"

I'm beginning to be more stern and mention why not do it herself. She gets upset without admitting it.

Thank you I will take a look a this.

Also if saying cruel things is because she is unable to handle frustration, she's been unable to do so since a month after we were married.

Someone on this board described BPD as a disorder of attachment, affecting the most intimate relationships the most. You may have noticed that your wife is able to hold it together better with people she is less intimate with. Since marriage/romantic relationships are the most intimate - the issues may be more apparent with them. It would not be unusual for her behaviors to be more apparent in the months after marriage then when dating, and with you more than with others.

The requests for you to do things that she can do herself put you in a caretaking situation. I don't understand the motive behind this. I have experienced this to a large extent with my BPD mother, and a lesser extent with my H who I think has traits but they are milder. I used to just do them automatically- not even thinking about them as I was raised to do this, but now, I find these requests irritating. I think it does make a difference how we respond to them though. Read about the Karpman triangle. I find from observations that pwBPD tend to take victim perspective and place others in rescuer position. These requests may be mini "rescuer" scenarios- when you do something for her, she perceives this as an act of caring.

Being stern may put you in persecutor position. This doesn't mean you should do it, you can ( and should ) say no to caretaking tasks. ( this is different from caring- you can do something because you care and want to, but when you feel the resentment of a request- you are probably caretaking). Saying something like " I think you can do this honey" is a bit more affirming than " do it yourself". Yes, she may get upset - and doesn't have to admit it- but those are her feelings to deal with.

For someone with BPD, a feeling can feel like a fact. She feels she has to have a baby right now,  but , most  21 year olds with a 5 month old baby are not in a situation to need to do this urgently. You can take some time to think about it. I admire your sense of responsibility and it is possible that in a few months, or a year, or even a couple of years you may feel you want additional children- or you may be certain you don't- but the choice does not need to be made definitely now.  PwBPD tend to have black and white thinking. If she can't have one right now, then the next thought is never. So then she starts talking like that- never having one. However, what she says in the immediate moment of dysregulation may be what she feels in that moment, not what she will feel later, even a few hours, days or weeks later.

Forgive me if you thought me being stern meant being aggressive. By that I mean I calmly mention why she doesn't get it herself, just like you quoted.

Most of the time she is in bed laughing when she asks me for things.

I've read much on stopping the bleeding. To be honest I've developed these tools in 2016 and have tried using them to no avail.

Even right now I am using these techniques. I suffer from chronic migraines so I am enduring one now with my wife yelling and being angry. She continues to argue and paints me to be an awful person. I haven't eaten in 24 hours due to feeling depressed and guilty because of her actions.

There's is no getting through to her, no amount of counseling or professional help could get through to her. Im sure of it. She won't accept professional help. And I'm simply not strong enough to break this off.

I'm not sure what else to do in this situation.