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I'ts complicated but I was told my ex who I have not seen for nearly 2 years is drinking herself to death and has gone down to 5 stone.
I am in shock, there is so much more.

In a Bad Way,
     How are you doing after hearing this news about your ex? Please tell us more so we can help you work through this.

   PW

Hi In a bad way. This must be painful news to receive. I’m sorry that she is still causing you pain. I’d like to follow Pretty Woman’s lead and encourage you to fill us in a little more. Do you know if any of her friends or family are intervening to try to help her? It sounds like she may need to be admitted somewhere to save her. You mentioned that there is so much more. If you’re comfortable with it, would you like to share?

Hello, again,  In a bad way.

I imagine hearing news like that is truly shocking. When you feel up for it, let us know how you're doing, okay?


-Speck

Thanks for the replies, I don't think I will be able to convey everything in just this one post.
Some basics.
I went to a christening yesterday so I ended up doing eleven hours on the beer, my anxiety is pretty bad everyday but a combination of too much to drink and hearing what I did everything is off the scale today. My friend that told me was actually working there so she was busy and we couldn't talk much, I see this friend quite often but we never speak about my ex.
I am supposed to text her today to try and fill her in on some details but I can't face texting her because my nerves are bad, also I told my best friend I needed to talk to him but I didn't tell him what about, he has just rang but I couldn't answer the phone.
My ex had a very bad effect on my nerves and I still have more bad days than good.
I have spent months trying to hate her for everything she did but after hearing that yesterday I know I don't . I know that makes me a caring human being but it doesn't help me.
I actually tried to ring her last night ( too many beers) I have not tried to ring her since mid 2015, I don't even know if she is on the same number, it went to voicemail which could be a sign my number is blocked?
I am blocked on facebook and messenger.
She painted me black and I never heard from her again, so in theory I shouldn't even care , it's none of my business and I should be thinking that's karma but I'm not. I'm very upset about it, I could probably find a way to contact her but she wouldn't listen or answer.

My ex had a very bad effect on my nerves and I still have more bad days than good.

The illness, BPD has the ability to expose our trauma. It doesnt have the ability to create it. Understanding your trauma, could possibly give you more better days, as opposed to bad. It helped myself... .Seeing the grey, and not just the black and white, right or wrong, may also serve you well

also I told my best friend I needed to talk to him but I didn't tell him what about, he has just rang but I couldn't answer the phone.

Is this your ex, attempting to contact you?... .Are you looking to recycle? Is this the kindest thing that could be done, for all involved?

so in theory I shouldn't even care , it's none of my business and I should be thinking that's karma but I'm not.

Caring is one thing. Caring enough to be self defeating, is another. Anger, revenge, spurs on the karma insight, and pain, is at its root

I could probably find a way to contact her but she wouldn't listen or answer.

Yes, and if, an individual wants help, they will SEEK it... Those waiting for an enabler, will also seek, them.

I have spent months trying to hate her for everything she did but after hearing that yesterday I know I don't . I know that makes me a caring human being but it doesn't help me.

It could also mean you are co-dependent... .I would think long and hard, before i opened this door. How have you been lately? Hitting emotional lows, can aid in this type of thinking... .I wish u well, peace

Findingme

I realise you are trying to help but I think you have misunderstood everything I said in my last post, or maybe I didn't get it out as well as I thought.
Also I think and actually I know BPD can cause trauma, my relationship left me traumatised, it wasn't there before.


This has nothing to do with trying to recycle, it was my friend ringing to talk to me as I clearly stated, his name came up on my phone, it wasn't her. She would never ring me.


Nothing to do with being co-dependent, I am worried about her.

Hi in a bad way

I used to get anxious about my exgf but don't anymore. When I managed to answer one question the anxiety stopped. The question was what am I afraid of when it comes to her?

After going through a multitude of wrong answers I realised theres nothing to be afraid of. She has no power over me. I don't care if I upset her, I don't care if she tries to use my son against me as she knows I will battle her to the death to keep him in my life, I don't care if she likes me as real people that matter like me, I don't care if she slanders me as the people she can do that to don't matter to me. I'm sure the list goes on and on but Ive yet to find anything that she can do to me that scares me.

In a bad way,

It must be very frustrating to still care and be worried about someone you can't even contact because they've blocked you from everywhere. I'm sorry you're feeling so low.


-Speck

Enlightenme

It's nothing to do with any of that, I heard the news about her and it was a shock, it would be a shock if it was a friend.
I'm not callous, if I was I would simply say **** her she's got what she deserves.
 I actually feel at this moment that I am being completely misunderstood apart from the first few replies.
Please don't take this the wrong way, I am not criticising anybody for their replies.

Thank you.

Hi in a bad way

It was where you said you couldn't face her due to your nerves and that you didn't answer the phone to your friend that made me think it was something more to do with her causing you anxiety.

Sorry if I got the wrong end of the stick there.

No apology needed.
My anxiety was caused by my ex when she left, too much alcohol increases it the next day, I tend to only go out at night so I don't have much.
There are plenty of days where I don't answer the phone  to people because I can't face it, I usually ring back later saying it was on silent. I have sent the friend who rang me a text explaining why but told him I will tell him what I need to tell him when I can, I didn't mention my ex.
The friend who told me about her that I was supposed to text today is one of a few numbers that have got mixed up or vanished from my contact list in my phone when I transferred to a new phone, so now I have to get her number.
Yes hearing about my ex has not helped one little bit, it's made me feel worse.

The crazy thing is she left me in a bad state, a total mess and she knew and didn't care one bit, as I said never heard again, so in theory I shouldn't care about what state she is in and I know my friend will tell me that, but I have compassion.
If she had gone and got herself in the **** with a new bloke or something I would probably laugh, but this is different, she is wasting away.

Hi in a bad way

I can totally relate. You cared about her and those feelings were real. You have compassion which isn't a bad thing. We want them to hurt but when they do we realise that we didn't really want that. What we really wanted was for them to acknowledge how they treated us.

Hi again, in a bad way. Thank you for continuing to communicate with us. It is recognized and well understood what you’re going through right now. I would like to note the fact that you’re demonstrating your compassion, and that you’re an upstanding individual through this. You’ve expressed the reasoning behind why you shouldn’t care, but your true self has trumped those thoughts and emotions. You care about her, and it’s refreshing to hear that from you. It takes a great deal of character to give our compassion and concern freely to those that have hurt us.

May I ask if there have been any new developments? Have you been able to speak to the people you’ve mentioned? And most importantly, how are you currently feeling? I’ve sensed your frustrations, and there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. You have that right. This is your thread, and we just want to help. Bless you for not turning a blind eye to her. Just don’t forget to bless yourself first. Be kind to yourself and please keep us updated. Thanks for sticking with us.

I haven't spoken to the two people that I should, my mind is in turmoil and I will try tomorrow. I went to the pub tonight to try and get away from it all and was speaking to another friend. I ended up apologising to him for talking in riddles, there were too many prying ears.
I cannot get over the fact that after everything she did and her discarding me that I should not care about what state she is in, but I do.
I can't speak to her family because they all hate me, they blame me for everything, but surely now they must know what she is like?
I loved her, I sacrificed so much for her only to be treated like I never existed, it breaks my heart all over again to know how she is.
I have to contact her but will she reply or throw it in my face?
I tried to help her when we were together, from what I was told it's her oldest daughter who is as evil as they come and her kids dad that have sent her this way, maybe she has realised her mistakes with me?
I would be better off being cold and heartless.
My brain is mashed, I should have communicated with my friends today but I couldn't.
I could write her a letter but I won't know if she got it just like the last one I sent her 14 months ago because her mail gets intercepted by those two. She is downtrodden and controlled.
Until I heard that news I had decided to hate her for what she did, but she is a mess.
I see her mum every few weeks but we don't speak, but the last 3 times I have seen her I got the impression she wanted to say something (I mentioned that a couple of months ago in another post)
Maybe I have just sensed something?
I am thinking if I find away to get a message to her what is the worst that can happen?
At least I tried.
I am not looking for a recycle, I am not saying this out of co-dependency I am just worried.
I think there is too much talk about what I have just mentioned and too much talk about this is all caused by my childhood.

Man, it’s good to get this reply from you. Before I move forward with my post, you’ve been at the Pub. Yes? I’m not judging. I’ve been known to be a power drinker. To my own detriment, of course.  :) . I get the speaking in riddles. Hints, metaphors. Yes? No? T   I recall that you tried to contact her the other night after having some drinks. Have you done the same tonight?

Maybe it’s time to indulge in tea and water, and engage her mum. If that isn’t an option, what would you suggest?

Hi In a bad way,

First I'll admit, I needed to understand what 5 stone was, and for those reading outside the UK, it's about 70 lbs or 32 kilograms. A serious situation, indeed. I am so sorry. This really puts things in perspective and I understand why you're concerned.

Ok, first of all, please consider that you were engaged to this person that you called your soulmate, you have loved her so much, and these feelings can take many many years to fade. I met someone I loved and cared about very much 25 years ago, and to this day I still think about her and hope she's doing well. If I found out she was killing and starving herself, I'd react in much the same way you did.

I think we can all agree and understand that you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, and you can't control it. You get that, right? If you can start from a baseline of those three things, you can start to ground yourself and figure out what to do next.

So, what next? I'd suggest that the best thing to do when your nerves are so shot, and you're finding yourself in such turmoil, is to take things one step at a time. Ask yourself, What is the very next step you can take here? Is it calling her mother? Is it making a commitment to calling back your friend? I forget, have you been able to see a therapist at all through this process? Is there someone else you can reach out to in order to get perspective?

Find a next step. Take that next step. Process the information or the experience you have. Move on to the next step.

Before any of this, though, get a good night's sleep and look at this fresh in the morning.

We'll be here. You'll get through this.

~DB

Thanks once again for the replies.
No I didn't try to ring her again, I don't know if it's an old number or if I am blocked.
In one of my posts I said I haven't rang that number since mid 2015 it should have said 2016.
I can't ring her mum or her siblings they all hate me, I tried to get their help and it was promised but didn't happen, I in the end got blamed for everything.
I've stated I see her mother sometimes in a club I go to but we ignore each other, I can't speak to her, she is volatile and I don't want a big row in front of people who will then no doubt blame me.
The old way of posting a letter leaves too much doubt of whether she received it or not.
There really isn't anything I can do.
I keep telling myself that if the roles where reversed she wouldn't care, as I said she has never once asked me how I am even though she knew she left me in a mess.
Still it's hard and I'm not that way inclined to think oh well she made her bed and I tried to help her with her kids but got nowhere.
I'll write a bit more later.

Hey there In A Bad Way,


IABW, i just want to affirm that as long as you have a beating heart, you're gonna care about people you love. That is what human compassion is about, i don't see it as a flaw or a weakness in anyway. I am sorry that you are blamed for whatever the reason is, this must feel very unfair, unwarranted, unjustified, and to have your intentions totally misunderstood.

IABW, i'm pretty much in the same phase of discard right now, and i want to let you know you're not alone. IABW, you may not feel like you exist to your ex-partner, the fact that you're typing here on this BB is proof enough that you're existence is valued, but still it is heartbreaking to not be acknowledged by your loved ones, that sense of isolation and loneliness can be very suffocating for some. My heart goes out to you.


I tried to help my uBPDexGF too, it isn't going to help until they've reached that point of desperation, which can sometimes be a step before death. Perhaps you hope that she would get better and she'd see the light. I believe its a hope that many on this BB can relate too, but sometimes its just... it isn't time yet, and perhaps it isn't our role to play, but i know we wish'd they just get out of that terrible situation of theirs.


You know... there is a quote by the author who wrote Narnia... “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S Lewis

I hope you don't reach there, i know if i've reached that place. I'd lost my humanity and my ability to feel.


Hate, has more corrupting power that erodes our own being more than it does for others. Anger and Hate are strong emotions which can propel us to move forward. Its okay to be there, just... .don't be there too long. Hate will not heal you... as much as it can be a temporary catalyst.


I know you tried, so IABW don't be too hard on yourself. There are so many things in this world that are just beyond our control. I know you've tried your best and its okay to not fight anymore. You don't have to keep fighting. Rest your heart and mind, weary sojourner. I'm not being cruel or heartless, but i'd echo what DaddyBear77 has mentioned on earlier, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it, neither can you control it. And from that point of compassion, don't burden yourself with a load that isn't really yours to shoulder.


We all do think and worry for them time to time. About your childhood, have you explored the option of talking to a T about it? if you suspect that you have family of origin issues, it may well be worth a shot in your recovery process toward a more healthy and whole person.

Take good care,
Spero.

Sorry what I meant by that was that my being worried and concerned for her has nothing to to with my childhood, there was nothing wrong with my childhood.
I started a post a while ago where I was saying that falling in love with a BPD has got nothing to do with childhood, but I won't get into that now.

Spero I agree with everything you say as I do with most people who have replied to me, and I thank you all.

IABW, that news must be terribly hard for you to have heard.  I feel for you.  If you were able to contact her, have you thought past that point?  What would you want to say and what would you plan to do next?  I'm interested to know where you would see the contact leading.

Love and light x

It would be pointless, she wouldn't listen when we were together and she wiped me out of existence nearly two years ago. At this moment I will not be contacting her or any of her family they are hostile. There is nothing I can do, apart from wait and see if I get any updates from my friend that actually saw her dad and it was him that told her.
The only thing I could do is to just send a general letter saying hello long time no see and all that, but that to would be pointless even if she did answer, she would never admit to having any problems before except for the odd moment but then the next day deny it all like a lot of people on here will know how that goes.
The problem is that in all this time I ruminate most waking hours but only about the abuse she gave me not the good times, now I have this extra battle going on in my head, but I am still glad I was told. It's upsetting.

Hi in a bad way

A lot of us ruminate about the abuse and why we put up with it. It didn't start that way though did it. I was hooked by how wonderful she was so when the bad behaviour started I put it down to stress from her kids or ex husband or a multitude of other excuses. In the end I clung onto the slightest sign of niceness from her. A small compliment or a thank you in the hope that things would improve. The early stages got me addicted in an actual chemical way. I was hooked on the happy hormones my ex stimulated in me. I believe I stayed longer and put up with more than I should have just to get another hit. Theres a good post about this addiction on this site and also an article on how the love sick brain resembles that of someone coming off of cocaine.

That's the thing I ruminate constantly about the abuse and crazy things she did, I hardly ever think about the good times, I put it all down to the stress from her kids who she had no control over and her p***k of an ex husband who was jealous of me and did some crazy stuff of his own to cause problems. My ex would see the light for an hour or so and make suggestions on how to deal with it all, great plans of she was going to do this and that and I used to think at last she has seen sense. But either later that night or in the morning she had changed her mind and couldn't follow it through and we were back to square one, then of course she took her frustration of not being able to do it out on me. Well it looks like they have really managed to drag her down now, I wonder if the other members of her family that I asked for help still blame me or can they now see I was correct.

Should I write her a letter?
Obviously I won't say I have heard she is in a mess, just a quick hello hope you are OK and stuff.
I feel for her, I know I shouldn't I should be thinking serves her right she ruined me.
So many mixed up thoughts here.
After all I don't exist to her.
Will it help me knowing I tried? What's the worse that can happen, she sends the cops, hardly crime of the century. She sends some of her nutty think they are hard cousins round, I can deal with them.
My anxiety just through thinking is gone up.

Here’s a suggestion - it worked well for me... .

You’re someone who cares a lot about people, I can tell. It seems you care so much you can almost put yourself in their shoes and personally feel the pain they must be going through. Am I right?

How about channeling some of this energy into the boards here. Take a look at some of the other stories on this Detaching board, put yourself in the shoes of the original poster, and bang out a few replies? People here need help, and they’re asking for it. You can get a lot of satisfaction I think from sharing with other people here.

How ‘bout it?

 In a bad way,
  I can image your pain. You sound like a very compassionate person and to still have feelings for her & to be blocked out of her life like that must be terrible thing to deal with. I get a bit depressed just by the silent treatment when my BPw of 35yrs cycles down to one of the bad moods like she is current in.  So I guess I'm jut saying I completely get where you are coming from and want you to know you aren't alone .
   Loving a person that can't or won't take the help they need to get better is painful ! Talking/writing/reading about it has helped me personally 
  Notgoneyet 

I'm glad you asked this, as it brings me onto my next question, which is what do you think you can do for YOU now?  We talk a lot here about turning the attention onto ourselves.  She is living her own life and making her own choices.  She has the capacity to know right from wrong and is deciding for herself how she lives.  What will help you right now?  Only you know the answer to this.  We can give suggestions, and I second what DaddyBear77 has put forward as an idea.  Perhaps finding ways indirectly related to her that you can have a positive effect on others is a way that you can use your empathy for good and to help you to feel that you're making a difference?

I was listed as my ex partner's carer with the mental health services he used, and have done some work with the services on improving the ways they interact with carers and service users.  My feedback has gone into shaping future training of staff.  I'm working on going on to teach mindfulness within the mental health arena and with school children in order to have an effect on future generations.  On Friday I will be volunteering in support of a local charity that is working towards reducing suicide.  When I let go, I did so knowing there was a chance that one of his attempts to take his life some day could be successful.  I carry that with me and I understand how much it hurts to be aware of a loved one's self destructive ways without being able to affect that.

Maybe you can't save her, but you can save yourself - and perhaps countless others if you should decide on that path.

Do you feel that sending the letter cannot cause you any further emotional pain, and are you confident that you're able to cope with whatever the outcome may be?  What if she were to invite you back into her life?  Right now, whatever she is going through, she is not reaching out to you.  Think long and hard about re engaging her to reduce the emotions you're coping with.  It might be safer for you all round to sit with these and allow them to pass of their own accord.  Sometimes when we act to directly stop the pain, it only further increases the pain long term.

Love and light x 

Her kids and ex caused her stress and still are, my help wasn't enough because she didn't have the courage to go through with the things she said she would do. Those things were the solution without any doubt in my mind, but she is in fear of them, she had no need to be when she was with me, her sister told her that.
She is weak minded when it comes to those things but was very strong when she took her frustrations out on me, I used to tell her if she could be as strong with them and as nasty to them (they are the ones who deserved it not me ) then they would back off.
I used to think and still do that she knew no better after 20 years of her ex controlling her every move and it became the norm to her.
I would love five minutes with that man.

As to what a few of you have said, my contribution to this board is limited, I respond to people who have given examples of their ex's behaviour with similar examples of my own so they know it wasn't just their ex who did those things.
However as much as I would like to I am in no position to give advice on how to heal when I can't heal myself after all this time. I don't even get dressed some days, my nerves stop me from even going to the shop most days. I have managed now to put on a front when I go to the pub a couple of times a week and even enjoy myself in there now and then.
Gathering the courage to go though is hard but once there it's OK because I know so many people in there.

The only advice I can give people is do not drink at home on your own, I have not had a drink at home for 14 months, it took me 7 months to get off it, I was on it morning noon and night because I was getting withdrawals when I stopped and anyone who has suffered that knows how bad it is.
I can drink beer in the pub and I am fine.

Hello again, In a bad way:

It's good to hear an update from you.  

I'm glad that you are still writing about your frustrations and anxiety surrounding your ex.  I also understand your feeling as though you have nothing valuable to offer people on this board.  But, I think that's not exactly true, for your own thread (this one), no doubt, has helped countless others sort out their own pain.

We really never know the lives we touch as we go about our days... .every word... .every action may matter.

So, thank you for being here and for sharing your story with us.

Oh, and keep writing if it helps!


-Speck

 Speck, I'm going to agree 100% with your words here.
  I'm still a complete newbie on this and felt the same way as IABW just a wk ago as far as not having anything of value to share.                                                                                     I think a lot of us on here are broken in some form or another and almost every story I read helps me understand a little bit more of what works, what doesn't, how we got here Etc.  and the best part for me - There is light at the end of this LONG tunnel that I've been stuck in for TOO long. As we say in my ALAnon meeting just take- One Day At A Time.
  Notgoneyet. 

I feel very sorry for your situation and what you go through. I'm in a simular situation and can much relate to it.
However, I found out that my connection to my BPF friend has a lot to do with my childhood and the traumas in my childhood. That was actually the reason why we felt connected and attached - but this friendship is an unresolved one.

I tend to do things that I enjoy to get away from bad feelings and too muc thoughts, might it be sports, art, music or whatever - that would be an advise to you.

That sounds to familiar to me... .wished I could just run away.

Spero,

"You know... there is a quote by the author who wrote Narnia... “To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything and your heart will be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact you must give it to no one, not even an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements. Lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket, safe, dark, motionless, airless, it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. To love is to be vulnerable.” - C.S Lewis"

Thank you for that quote, it's really true.
But without giving love and receving love - life is NOTHING at all.
I'ld rather take the risk of a broken heart.

One has to be strong and gone through hell to understand and realize, even the worst pain, physical or psychological, will go away at some point - I've been there many times. It tought me to look forward and I know, better times will come again - always, you just have to trust yourself, your strength, your best friends and those who loce and care about you no matter what... .

We're so glad that you find value and meaning in this forum, Notgoneyet, and we're glad you're here, too. Everyone on earth as a teacher in his or her own way. And I agree with you, there's lots to glean about the human condition from others if we listen carefully enough.


Yes, that's right. Step by step we heal.


-Speck
 

In a bad Way, i cant give you direct advice but i can tell you from my own experience so you can make up your own mind about it.
In 2008 my fiancee visited the US for Xmas. She got a car accident.I picked her up, payed for hospital bills and all the damages. Back in Holland she revealed (after a few months) she was drinking, because of shops being closed in US at Xmas eveing she couldnt get a bottle and she got a seizure in the car from withdrawl. In the hotel she got another one and was brought to hospital. She had also a broken foot, a broken stirnum, concussion and her head and legs were blue and swollen.

Anyway, when she returned to Holland the drinking got even worse. We decided she had to go back to US, we hugged and cried goodbey. It was summer 2009. There was contact of and on. Very emotional. She relapsed again after being in rehab in US. Her older daughters completely ignored my existance.

Exactly 8 years ago, on march 1st 2010 i got a call, my fiancee begged me to pick her up. She was in a hotel, abandoned by her older daughters and she was drinking herself to death.
It sounds easy but in short... .I flew over, arranged a nursing home in Holland where she spent almost 5 months. Every day i drove there after work to visit and comfort her. 160 miles every day after work.
She almost died on March 25th 2010 and i was sitting beside her, it wasnt even 50-50 the doctors said. She managed. WE managed and she recovered.
We got married in 2012, she received her Dutch cittizenship shortly afterwards.

Quick step forward... .relapse on alcohol in december 2012, back on track in january 2013, heavy chemotherapy in 2013 until january 2014. I nursed, cared, loved , drove to hospitals, bought flowers, you name it.

Februari 6th 2014 i came home from work and she was already gone. It was obviously planned, but we kissed and hugged in the morning before i left.  the only thing she did was leaving a note with a "thank you for everything".
My wife just left without any explanation and ive never heared from her again.

Your post triggered the toughts i am dealing with for many years now,... .what if she would call?
I just dont know, but i do know that Borderline and Alcoholism is a terrible combination.
I miss her, knowing its not ok. I live in fear because of hearing she is dead.
Every day i live with the fear of hearing from her and what she would say or ask, while i so much would like to ask about why?
I am also still completely ignored by her older daughters. My wife left everything behind including her dog (wich was from one of her older daughters).

I cant give you any advice else then sharing my story in short, i just dont want anything bad happen to you.
As far as alcohol consumption concerns, just watch out, its a killer on weak moments.

Hope it helps.
If you want details just check my profile.

All the best, Joe

jo19854

That really is a very sad story indeed and I feel for you, mine to crashed her car drunk and I got her through that mess, also she had / has another illness which is pretty rare so I can't mention it on here, although it is not life threatening but still it is horrible. It comes and goes and she was having new treatment the last few weeks that I saw her and was doing so well. She had had that since her teens yet while i was with her and it came back she said it was my fault because i stressed her out, i really did get blamed for everything.
I thought I had managed to finally start to hate her but now I realise part of me must still love her and I miss her everyday, which makes zero sense from a logical point of view after everything she did. I really can't think straight at the moment.

Like I said I haven't had a drink at home for 14 months, sometimes it's tempting but i know it will make me more depressed, I also know that I am one of those people that if I drink too much I can't stop due to getting DT's. As I said I am fine drinking beer in the pub.
Like you I wonder what I would do if she reached out, I would to be honest talk to her, I wouldn't be able to help myself.

You're most welcome, BPDfriend. I'm glad you found the quote helpful. Being able to feel and process is a step forward in the process of recovery. Sometimes to emerge through the other end of the tunnel, one must pass through the deepest darkest middle part of the tunnel before one can see the glimmer of light. But if we fear the darkness and facing our fears, we'll never get to the other side.

Takecare,
Spero

That's good advice IABW.  Thank you for sharing with us the difficulties you have had with this.  It takes courage to speak about such things.  I'm glad that things have improved since that time for you.  Do take good care of yourself.  You deserve to be well after all you've been through, so pay attention to your needs.

Love and light x

Joe, I feel very sorry for what you went through.
I don't really know excactly what is is, that makes is so difficult to get away from a BPD woman and friend.
My friend is actually also in the Netherlands, close to the German border. She too drinks too much when she gets out for fun or whatever. She also drinks at home.
In fact, that seems to be a bad combination, BPD and alcohol.
When she got her drivers licence in Holland, she got caught only 6 mths later drunk and lost it for three months. When I met her last time in May 2017, she wanted to drive with me, only a distance of 500 yards to go to a bar. She already had some wine and champagne. I simply said no, we won't drive, we walk. She had to get out of the car and didn't say a word about it.
That was one of my first bounderies.

I wish you all the best. Do you still live in the Netherlands?

It's now two weeks later and I am having a bad day, woke up in a panic which has been getting more often over the last couple of months.
I spoke to my friend who said exactly what I thought he would which was why am I bothered about her, she didn't worry about me, and all that sort of thing.
It's possibly what I would say to someone if I had never been there.
I text my other friend but my texts were getting longer and longer, this is the friend who told me, I was trying to explain what happened between me and my ex who used to be her friend but they fell out.
Her replies were short and saying her mother and family need to help her to which I said I tried that route but they never did anything except blame me.
I told her a bit about what went on and she said she sounds ill in the head, that was after me telling her less than 1% of everything.
I am not going to try to contact my ex, it's a shame but it has nothing to do with me even though I feel for her.
I am still in a mess because of her, she won't know that because the only person who I see that knows her is her mum and I have mastered the art of being a normal person at the club where I see her so she will only see me looking happy and laughing with people.
I haven't seen her mum now for about six weeks.

It's now two weeks later and I am having a bad day, woke up in a panic which has been getting more often over the last couple of months.

... .I Could have been a poster child for panic attacks... .for me it was just my subconscious telling me, I had some unresolved trauma to deal with. I had missed something... with some hard work, it was all brought to a minimum... .Expect the bad days, and figure out different ways to combat... .easier said than done, but with determination... .very possible

I am still in a mess because of her,

BPD exposes our trauma wounds, it doesnt create them. Accepting 50% of this mess, would be the fair thing to do, no?

I am not going to try to contact my ex, it's a shame but it has nothing to do with me even though I feel for her.

Wise choice, if detachment is the goal. Nothing wrong, about caring from a distance... .my self preservation, dignity, self esteem, and other aspects of myself, also appreciates this

she won't know that because the only person who I see that knows her is her mum and I have mastered the art of being a normal person at the club where I see her so she will only see me looking happy and laughing with people.

Ummm, her mum knows, and the illness is surviving. Im not sure where mastering your false self, is going to benefit you, in the long run. Seems it might just, muddy the water, a little more... .Do you come away from these sightings, feeling better of yourself? I have a hard time, seeing this happen. Mastering your codependency, just might, have you not, NEED, the above behaviour... .I wish u well, peace

How are you feeling today, In a bad way?

Just popping in to say, Hi, and to remind you that you are not alone.


-Speck

Hi Speck,
thanks for that. Like I said my nerves and anxiety are pretty bad but have been for a few months, I had a few months last year where they were OK.
Maybe this has had an effect on them, I'm not sure.
I just keep telling myself that if the shoe were on the other foot she wouldn't care about me, I know that for a fact because she knew I was in a mess when she left and I have never heard from her since. So I'm trying to be hard about it and say to myself it's her problem, whether she is realising she made a mistake with me and it's all finally catching up to her is another story, who knows.
I know her kids and ex are still causing her problems but she ignored my help then and other peoples, if she hadn't they wouldn't still be treating her like cr**.
But you can't rationalise with an un-rational person.
Still no matter what I don't relish her being ill, but having said that sometimes I think serves her right. It's mixed feelings on my part.



I wouldn't say it's my false self, it's how I used to be, but that is the only place I can manage that. People there think I have fully recovered, and yes I make a point of being extra normal when I know her mother is in there, I want her her to think I am doing great, I wouldn't let her see me any other way. So yes  of course I feel better and also from a sadistic point of view if I am ever mentioned from her she will think I am fine without her.
I still however disagree with BPD's can't cause trauma and that the trauma was already there from childhood, that's like saying if you have trauma from a car crash the crash didn't cause it and that it was already there from childhood.

Hello again, In a bad way:

It's great to hear an update from you! I just have a few things to add:


Truth.


I gotcha, bud. But... .just remember, this is a process... .it takes time. You're doing great, though, just focusing on YOU.


-Speck
 

Well I don't know what possessed me but I spoke to her mother when I saw her in the club, I hadn't seen her for over two months.
We didn't speak for the last six months I was with my ex, she fell out with me because in her mind everything was my fault. The only communication we had was a few text messages.
Any way I said to her I know we don't speak but how is (name), she said yes she is great thanks how are you, I simply said fine thanks. And that was it, yes I had a million more things to say but didn't bother.
I was surprised she even spoke to me, well at least without being nasty, so I think I was in a bit of shock at that. Hence I didn't say anything else.
I know she was lying but I wouldn't expect her to tell me what my friend told me.
That was the first time we had spoken in over two years even though I sometimes see her every week or so, but not recently.

In a bad way,

Well... .that was brave. What did speaking to her mother do for you afterwards? Do you feel better having done so?


-Speck

It was surreal to say the least, as I said I fully expected her to swear at me and say she wasn't talking to me but she was quite pleasant. I could have extended the conversation but was too taken aback by her friendly manner. It will be interesting to see if she says hello next time I see her and I don't know if I should let on to her or not if she doesn't. I would feel ignorant if I didn't but at the same time feel strange if I did, it would save my mind some turmoil if she said hello to me and I could just say it back.
It's left me wondering if she has said anything to her daughter about it and if she has whether it was along the lines of " that bas*** spoke to me", or if it was a case of "I saw (name) and he spoke to me".
I actually feel better for having spoken to her as in I was civil and so was she, considering we have never spoken for all that time and it seems petty not to, the only reason for me having never done so was because I didn't want a scene and as I said I was blamed for everything by her even when me and my ex were still together, so I would imagine me being painted black by my ex would have made it worse, also her mothers friends no longer talk to me but they used to.
Sorry for the rambling but there is not short and fast answer to your question.

Hey there In a bad way, just popping by and joining Speck in this thread. How are you keeping now?

In the context of your recent happenigns, I must say... .wow, it must indeed be confusing or that has certainly taken you a back by her current disposition toward you. I suppose she isn't "triggering" in this situation and that must have left you pondering.

How does this make you feel now, that you've kinda had a short interaction with her? That is indeed a courageous thing to do, more so when you didn't know what to expect and glad that there wasn't anymore a scene to have caused you more hurt to what was already done in the past.

Hey, its okay to ramble. We're glad to have you share your recent encounter and this community is definitely here to hear you out. Takecare and hope to hear from you again soon!

Spero.

No worries... .I did ask the question, and am glad you took the time to answer!

You have really come a long way since your initial post. I'm glad you can have these exchanges with your ex's mother and not let it derail your progress.

You know the drill... .keep writing if it helps! There's a 16,000 character posting limit, so... .be careful!  *)


-Speck