BPDFamily.com

So, now that I am NC with my sister, with little hope of a reconciliation, I worry for her future. 

Although she has a good job/benefits, once my parents are gone (who acknowledge her behavior and don't blame me for going NC), there will be no one to "take care of her" in her old age.  She is not married and has no children.  My mother has pointed out to her that I am "all she has" in terms of family that would help her in late stages of life, or just as family companionship, but that hasn't softened her.   

Anyway, what does the future look like for a unBPD "old maid"? 

It takes some time, but a big part of boundaries is learning what is, and is not your problem.

Her mental health or issues is not your problem.

The hard truth about going NC is that the person you are no longer in contact with may have a hard time without you, but it's not your fault and is not your job to be there to fix things.  I sometimes worry about my mom too - she has alienated most of her family at this point and is getting older.  But, I have made the decision that I can't have a healthy relationship with her and am NC.  In making that decision, I have to be at a point where I can acknowledge that she while may have difficulties, they are not issues that I need to be available to fix.  She has made her own bed, so to speak, and I have made mine.

It takes a fair amount of time to become okay with that, so don't push yourself too hard into it, it will come with time and distance.  Hang in there!

Hello, leenlou:


Even though you've made the difficult decision to go NC with your sister, it seems that you are having a tough time still worrying about her.  This is, of course, normal, and speaks to your sense of compassion.

Much like yourself, I don't know what the future holds for anyone. Ha! But, those with untreated BPD tend to alienate themselves so thoroughly that by the time they are in a position of need (old age, hospitalization, etc.), there's no one there for them. I work in the healthcare industry and see this all the time. That's why I know that there's literally no one who comes to visit these patients. When asked, the patients typically tell me that their family members are all a$$holes, and not worth the trouble. So... .there they sit, all alone in their hospital beds, until discharge.

So... .after painting everyone their lives black, I would imagine that those with chronic, untreated BPD just eventually paint themselves into a corner... .and there they sit, for years... .until their number is called.

I know it's bleak. Sorry.

Is this what you were asking?


-Speck

I think you really care about your sister. For now, NC is working, however when your parents die, you may or may not want to resume contact. It is so hard to have difficult family members, yet I confess I have low contact with my BPD mother, and BPD siblings because I do care about them, yet I worry terribly that there is no way I can help them as they are all closed to constructive feedback, and will suddenly attack me for no apparent reason. This type of situation is so painful, and there is really no good solution when people are so self destructive and refuse to take responsibility for how they continually inflict pain and hurt on themselves and others.

hi leenlou,

i was reading your back story, and it sounds like your sister is pretty difficult to say the least, and im sorry its come to this.

obviously, of course, there may be times where you have to be around her, or you may reconsider contact at a certain point. im wondering if youve tried any of the communication techniques here and what the results have been? they take practice, but they can really help.

@Speck--Yes, that pretty much was what I was asking... .what is typical in this scenario? So, thank you for your brutal honesty and experience with patients.  That piece is particularly helpful since you have seen so many cases and have more data to draw from. 

@Zachira--That is what is so frustrating about this whole situation... .there is no good solution.  The only tools we have at our disposal are NC/LC and not getting drawn into their drama.  There is no proactive strategy, just response.

@Once removed--It isn't until this current round of NC that I have discovered her uBPD.  Having said that, through the years, I have tried many different approaches... .giving in, giving her everything she wants, even when it is sacrificial to me, boundaries trying to achieve "healthy distance", listening and affirming... .clearly, none of them have worked.

Leenlou your situation is remarkably similar to mine.  I am unmarried, my BPD sis is unmarried, we have an elderly mother who has begged me to make sure BPD sis is taken care of, and I want to be no contact but am now in contact because BPD sis quit her job and needs money for basics like rent, food etc.  She has applied for Social Security (she is only 62, minimum age for it) but ultimately won't get enough to cover everything.  So it is up to me alone.  I'm so sorry for what you are going through, I understand how it feels.  I just don't have the ability to deny her help and maintain no contact.

i tried a lot of approaches too, sometimes with greater or lesser success. i certainly understand the frustration.

it wasnt until long after my relationship with someone with BPD that i realized the "dos and donts" were not intuitive at all, and they took me some practice; i have some people with BPD traits in my life, and some otherwise very difficult people in my life (dont we all), and i find the communication techniques here, along with the other tools, have worked wonders, and now i use them with everyone. theyre worth a look.

often times, with practice and support, we can create a relationship with the most difficult of people that is safe and "works". sometimes, unfortunately, we are left with few choices, or no choice. we are here to support you regardless.

But, and this may seem callous... .you have the upperhand.  Can you (and we) not say, "I really need you to treat me fairly or I cannot help you?"  Isn't that a fair negotiation?

it is. and its worth saying, once or twice. after that, its important to recognize the persons limitations and switch gears.

good boundaries are a lifestyle, but not always easy.

Leenlou, yes you are right, I have the upper hand but it is fear and guilt that makes me weak.  I tried to be strong and set a boundary and my BPD sis broke it anyway.  Maybe once mom is gone, and she cannot use her to make me feel guilty, things may be different.

Please don't think that I am judging you.  I know fear all too well.  My fear is that I will somehow be exposed, even though I have nothing to be ashamed of except making some minor mistakes.  However, I do fear that my next sighting of her will be a funeral.  And, because she will definitely be under emotional stress (we all will be), it is going to be very ugly. So, I do fear that eventual encounter... .in front of everyone, designed to humiliate me.