BPDFamily.com

I have been with a BPD partner for 20+ years.  For a long time the rages and other bursts of high emotion scared me and I was not in a state to respond with comfort or humor.  I acted defensively and without any understanding of what she was going through.

In recent years as I have learned more about BPD and practiced regulating my own emotions when my partner's emotions get out of control, I have had some limited success using humor to de-escalate the situation and wonder if anyone else has had a similar experience?

It is a very delicate situation and I am far from a master of this!  I have definitely tried using humor some times when it has backfired.

Two examples I can think of:

* She knows that her dad (let's call him "Bill" also has a bad temper (I don't know whether he would qualify for BPD or not).  When she starts to get enraged, sometimes it works for me to say something like "Slow down, there, Bill," in a lighthearted tone, and she has a flash of self-awareness that can help short-circuit the anger.

* Years ago, during a period when she was in a calm state of mind and we talked about her rage, she acknowledged it and called it her "nuclear explosion."  Sometimes when I would see it start I would say something like, "I think I'm feeling the start of a nuclear explosion" in a lighthearted tone and sometimes it would help.

The common elements here seem to be:

* She had some insight into herself in a period when her emotions were calm, and she shared this insight with me.  I responded compassionately, and kept her insight in mind for use in a future situation when she would become disregulated.

* When she began to be disregulated, I would notice this before things got too out of control--and often that window of opportunity was very short!--and adopt a lighthearted tone to use humor in a way that I tried to use to show that I understood how she was feeling--laughing with her rather than at her.

* The humor involved expressing insights that she had shared with me about herself, rather than something I presumed to know about her that might be inaccurate or condescending.  I was using her own insights about herself to point out something that might enable her to laugh at her own disregulation.

* I also wonder whether I conveyed an attitude that I was in command of myself and could hold or absorb her anger without cowering and if this comforted her?

Again, I have found this to be extremely difficult to pull off but I am always on the lookout for anything that works!  And trying to figure out how to leverage it and make it work more frequently and effectively.

All while being open to the fact that there are times (perhaps a majority of the time) when there may be nothing I can do except validate and let time pass.

I suspect part of why this works is that I am responding to her directly on an emotional level that somehow short-circuits her escalating emotions, rather than trying to reason with her or "talk through" the anger or problem-solve.  I know anger and laughter are very deep emotional responses that occur at a low level in the brain so maybe this makes humor a good way to respond to anger directly in the reptilian part of the brain?

Any similar experiences?  Suggestions?  Successes?  Failures?

I have very limited success, because I get very worried easily. But experts recommend "irreverence" in the treatment of BP.

My Gf tells me that her ex husband would laugh at her everytime she got mad. "you're so funny, woman". It was disrespectful, and it wasn't a technique, he didn't respect her or women in general. But it worked, fights didn't escalate, and she was focused and regulated for years. She thinks his laugh helped defuse the anger.

What's the point in keeping arguing or blaming or criticizing, if he's just gonna laugh?

You bring up an interesting topic. Thanks

sure, sometimes, and i can see why your experiences worked when they did.

i wouldnt get too comfortable leaning on it, though. its a slippery slope toward invalidation and escalation... .a reaction like "oh so this is FUNNY to you?".

i suspect it works because its said out of confidence, and shows youre unaffected by the storm, or pending storm. thats attractive, and that kind of strength can be very attractive to someone with BPD; she may mirror it back.

i remember the second time my ex and i met. she was extremely irritated that i had trouble finding her place, not letting it go, and sighed and said "dumb___". moments later she said something, and i mirrored it back, sighed, and said under my breath "dumb___". she burst out laughing, and said "oh honey, i love you again!".

catching someone off guard and cutting through the BS, like i said, can be very attractive. laughter, a light roast, can make us all feel good if it connects, but its tricky going with someone who needs lots of validation, can easily perceive a slight, is very sensitive to rejection, and has low self esteem.

I've found humor doesn't work at all with my BPD bf.  He can't laugh at himself and feels like I'm mocking him if I try to make light of any situation.  I usually have more success to neutralize a potential triggering if I empathize with him immediately and validate his feelings.  The quicker I do that the quicker he seems to relax. This works much of the time, but definitely not all the time.  I haven't found anything that works all the time.  I also have to totally keep my feelings out of it.  If he senses my emotions on any level when he is in the process of getting triggered, it just inflames him more and makes the situation worse.

life works in circles, take a look at this 2009 post!

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=92742.0

When you are too close emotionally, it is hard for irreverence to work. Dr. Phil uses it a lot, and you can tell when it's not working at all, and when it does.

My gf would tell me hurtful things and she believes it's irreverence, and then get frustrated because it didn't work.

I think it can work when there is some emotional safe distance, it can happen in a couple at the beginning of a dysregulated episode,not in the middle. But deeper into it,if irreverence comes from a more distant person, or from internal dialogue. When I find a way to laugh at myself, the drama is gone.

My DH's ex, (AKA The Dark Princess), was conversationally fluent in English but missed subtleties. DH's humor is dry and subtle, so she usually didn't get it. Her sense of humor was broad, slap-stick, pretty b/w.

Humor would never work with my wife... .if the humor is joking about BPD or her negative traits or actions.

That said, I have noticed that I can partially defuse tense feelings between us if I act normal, like nothing happened. That includes a light-hearted tone and some humor about anything other than our current situation. My theory is that part of her anxiety is guilt/shame, and she feels better knowing I'm OK. Pretending that nothing is wrong is also comforting to her; it's how her family has always handled everything. (Her admission.)

This reminds me... .
Maybe 2012 or 2013... .she was quietly moving toward a bad episode and said something jaw-droppingly hypocritical and contradictory. It was so obnoxious that I laughed. What a mistake.

Hi TRB,

I've had some success with this and I must admit it is for me just as much as for him. I like things to be lighthearted and easy... .I like to make the best of anything I possibly can. I do what comes naturally to me - a bit of silliness, a bit of singing, a bit of being a goof. It can help take the edge off of things and I love to get and give laughs. I've also found that by listening to comedy when I am alone I can comfort myself and keep attached to the joys and happiness of the world that are sometimes missing in my very isolated life.

I wish you much success with this!

warmly, pearl.