BPDFamily.com

Feeling totally lost right now.  Broke off a 3 year relationship with my bf who has BPD and not being able to talk to anyone about this heartache is devastating... therapists have no idea what I'm talking about... all i want to do is talk to him... .that's a habit i suppose... just wondering what others have done to heal and figure out why some of us find ourselves in these kinds of relationships... .I'm so tired.

Hi Teedot,

I'm so sorry to hear that you've just ended a relationship. It must be so overwhelming that this point in time for you that you're totally exhausted... mentally, emotionally, physically. It seems also that you therapists do not know what you're talking about. Tired has many subtleties to it, i hope that as you spend time here and hearing from others, it would be a place to bring you comfort.

When you're ready to write more, you could maybe share about what you spoke to your therapist(s) and perhaps at a much later time your story. You're not alone!

Takecare,
Spero.

Hey Teedot, We get it.  I'm sorry that you feel totally exhausted, which is normal after a b/u.  What things are you doing to treat yourself well?  Give yourself credit for breaking things off, which is something many here find extremely difficult to do when a pwBPD is involved.  How did you figure out that your that your xBF has BPD?  Sad to say, most BPD r/s's are not built to last.  The stress is too great.  Can you relate to what I'm saying?  I'm here to confirm, like Spero, that is does get better, so hang in there.

LuckyJim

Thanks for reaching out.  It means a lot.  My experience with therapists (social workers) is they want to work on stuff that is happening in the here and now... .while I get that, lets put out one fire at a time thing, they often say to me, "wow, you are such a strong woman, very emotionally intelligent"... .if that were true, this would not be my 3rd long terms relationship with a narcissistic and or BPD personality disordered man.  THis kind of stuff goes way deeper... to my childhood, which therapists never seem to want to talk about.  When i mention childhood stuff, it seems to be brushed off... .this is where this kind of stuff starts... no self worth, low self esteem etc.  I read non stop about "healing" and being my own "best friend".  Just stuck... how does one start, at 37 years old, to be their best friend?  I have ended every one of these messed up relationships and  you would think I would know better by now.

Hi Lucky Jim,

I found out when my bf had to leave and run to his mother's house every time we had an argument.  I said no more of this crap until you see a doctor... he came back to me with the diagnoses of "attachment issues and a hard time regulating emotions"... that's an understatement.  I guess it took me a while with this 3rd guy cause he rarely rages and is rather meek and mild ... a "waif"... .ugh

Hello there Teedot,

I would wish to clarify on the above about therapists / social workers. Where i live, social workers and therapists serve different functions and not all social workers are trained clinicians. If you've not visited a clinical psychologist, that might be an alternative as compared to talking to the group of social workers. I am very curious, especially when what you're saying is that these therapists of yours don't want to explore with your childhood issues which in techical terms is called (family of origin) issues. That area of our life, is perhaps foundational in our process of healing and recovery. I would not see any reason, why if they are trained as therapists, would not want to explore this area with you... .and i must say i am very puzzled by their responses.

Spero.

***cross posted with spero***


Hi Teedot,

Im sorry that you're going through this. I can understand how difficult it is when you feel emotionally depleted. Well give yourself credit, you've had three r/s's but you're here now trying to dig through your stuff,you're aware of it some people keep repeating the same mistakes, they go through the same motions their entire life. We do have boards that can help you with your FOO ( Family of Origin )

 |---> Parent, Sibling, or Inlaw Suffering from BPD (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=7.0)

 |---> Learning after a Failed Relationship (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=27.0)

I think that social workers may not be equipped for that and you need to someone that specialises in FOO work? Do a Google search for family of origin therapy.

Right? My mother literally sticks her fingers in her ears when I tell her things that stress her out (ask her about my childhood etc) she doesn't want to hear it, she says.  My last therapist said "oh, you're mother sounds like a sweet woman"... .what? A mother who lets her children be controlled and abused my the men she married and then dated is a "sweetie"? Unfortunately my employee assistance program here in Ontario only offers social workers... .I requested a psychologist when I called and plead my case today... .they do not offer help from psychologists... .so, at 5pm tonight, I will see another social worker and I contacted a psy in town as well... .waiting list and it willl cost $ 150.00 per hour... gotta suck it up and pay the fee.

My dad is similar to your mom  *) If I can offer you advice that I learned here is that people don’t necessarily see the world like you do. I’m sorry to hear about the difficult childhood that you had your mother probably has a fragile ego and perhaps listening to her less desirable actions trigger shameful feelings. That’s typically the reaction that you get when you shine a light on this stuff they’re not comfortable with it defense mechanisms kick in.

I have EFAP and have used it they’re generally short term 5 sessions max I found them helpful for getting through emotionally distressing situations and they gave helpful resources. I have coverage at work for 1000 a year for a P. It’s not much but it’s helpful do you have something for P’s in your work insurance coverage?

Hi Mutt,

I called my insurers this afternoon and they said they will cover 25 dollars for every half hour appt with a psychologist... so 100 an hour is what I'm looking at rifht now.  A small piece to pay in the long run.  Hard though since my ex bf happens to be in the military and his therapy is completely covered... .go figure

My three-year tire-fire of a relationship with my uBPDxbf ended four months ago, and my therapist has, thankfully, been understanding.

But there's that old joke among therapists: "How do you treat a borderline? You don't, you refer them." Most therapists are not trained to deal with ClusterB personality disorders, much less help the victims of ClusterBs.

Your best bet may be to find a therapist experienced in healing abuse trauma.

After twelve hellish years with a waif who was so passive that everyone decided I was a monster I finally got lucky when the very last couples counselor persuaded me that she was BPD. Even then, almost no-one understood. I lost almost all my friends and had to cut off contact with my entire family, who, in retrospect, were at the best neglectful of me as a family member and at worst were happy to blame everything on me because they were, perhaps, BPD. Without that therapist (who later revealed she'd been through the same thing) and a very sharp psychiatrist, I think I might not be alive today. I am so sorry that no-one gets it. The waifs are really, really hard to deal with in this respect. The two or three friends left from my old life all have BPD family members or exes. I have barely made it through this intact, but I kept my sanity. Trust your judgment, and do whatever you need to survive. The self-doubt is invidious. Take care.

I concur, wellwellwell.  Two kind friends and a family member probably saved my life by conducting an intervention on me.  Without their support, I would have continued on my self-destructive path and . . . who knows?  So I know exactly what you are talking about.

As to why no one gets it, in my view BPD is way out of the realm of most people's experience, so it's hard for them to fathom what it's really like in a BPD r/s.

LJ