BPDFamily.com

Hello All,
I’ve been at loss as how to handle my current setuation and my decision to stop participating. I’ve been accompanying my uBPD and unp husband to his work outside of our state for 4 months now. Over these four months I’ve spent 50-70% of the time outside of my state. My children d14 and s10 have been cared for by my parents, who live with us. I took a temporary leave from my university, as it was impossible and very confusing to stay on top of my academics. Prior to this “travel arrangement”, I’ve been on track to finish my second degree, this time in psychology. I’ve been hoping to find a position in the hospital, given my other degree, early childhood educator. Regardless of how my life will play out, I want to gain some form of normalcy, dependency, predictability and security. Hospital setting provides union protection and extended benefits I might need to raise the kids. Being alone, away from home and my children is crushing me in every way possible. Emotionally I’m distraught, every time my uBPDh says “mommy, do you love me”, adresssing me, I’m overwhelmed with grief, that my children aren’t able to say this to me every day. I see some things that I was too busy to see, or simply denied. My uBPDh is living out his fantasy “having mommy to himself, whose sole purpose is to fulfil his emotional needs, and he doesn’t want to share”. He seldom asks about the kids, as his narcissism in now in full glory. He is working towards taking his company public, and is already acting as if he made it. Which is far from truth. His partners/investors are delaying and haven’t fulfilled a single promise made in the begging. Yet, he is so invested, he spent 9 months chasing this dream to walk away. He isn’t listening to my pleas for legal council, who would have brought the real setuation to the surface. He isn’t interested in “seeing reality for what it is”. This “dream” of his, is ultimate soul food for his npd and BPD. He gets to be “rich and famous”, while not sharing “mommy” - me with anyone.
I’m close to having an emotional breakdown, there isn’t much to do here, I feel looming sense of responsibility to raise my children. Care, educate and parent them. I can’t play his mommy any longer. We are leaving on two week vacation, and upon our return I plan to tell him that I won’t be coming anymore. I have some fears, not unreasonably given his past actions that our marriage won’t survive this, should I follow through. Yet, I can’t continue denying that I’m missing out on parenting, my education and career, chasing his ghosts that are unlikely to realize. Even if, they do come true, he isn’t planning to share his new financial status with me. He wants to purchase expensive mansions, among other things to run his ego. I have no control over his decisions, don’t have any input in structuring our life. I want to get off of this ride, at least when it comes to coming with him.
I need an advice as to how to break it to him. Word by word. I need to make it in a non threatening way. Tell him that I love him, and this love is unconditional. That I do understand that he is working hard, every day to chase his dreams. But I need to be home, with our children, because they are kids and can’t take care of themselves. And he is a big boy that will figure it out. I also plan to enroll in individual counseling through university, and codependent anonymous to help myself through this time. I’m in catch 22, and could really use some light in my darkness.

So... .there is lots to sort out here... .

1.  Nothing wrong with someone chasing their business dream.  Nothing wrong with a spouse helping them. 

2.  I wonder if you could talk with him about a timeline.  You want to move forward with your education and he wants to build his company.  He seems very busy.  You seem very bored and anxious.

3.  So... it seems like life is working for him and not working for you.

4.  So... .seems reasonable that you would propose changes to what you do and let him do his own thing. 

5.  Instead of informing him, why no have a conversation with him and see what his thoughts are.

6.  I can't imagine a company can be taken public without legal counsel.  Are you sure... positive that legal counsel is not involved?

7.  What is your role in the company?

8.  How long until you get a degree?

9.  What are job titles that this new degree with qualify you for? 

10.  What is the job market outlook for those jobs.

I guess 10 will do it for now.  Hang in there.  It seems that you have been "stuck" for a while. 

Let's figure out a couple pathways... .perhaps one will be the one you want to walk down.

How does that sound?

FF

Thank you so much @Formflier, I’m so glad to see you answering my post! Uou have become a figure in my life, that I look up to for advice. Interestingly, all the practical advices you gave me in the past lead us to - not fighting at all. Period, zero. There hasn’t been any hint of catastrophe on the horizon since you’ve equipped me with the right tools. Nowadays it never gets above 1.5 out of 10, comparing to 8-9 before the New Years. For that, I sincerely thank you

Life looks better without conflict.

Interestingly enough, once conflict goes down... .and uncomfortable feelings remain it begins to get harder to blame someone else for them... or blame conflict.

Then it's time to get real about boundaries.  You control your life... .if you have uncomfortable feelings... .you control your life.  (this is the circular argument that you win!)

Thoughts?

FF

Last night I wrote a lengthy reply, ironically, with my phone acting up it only posted your @formflier questions to me. So here I go second time, with less emotion, more facts.
1. I totally agree that there isn’t anything wrong with me helping and supporting my unpdh’s Career. After all, together we’ve made as far as if we did. What I’m struggling with, is his lack of respect for my feelings and need for total control. Np in him is making it so, when I ask him a question regarding a return date, he blows up in my face accusing me of being selfish and self centered. It seems that this “bachelor” lifestyle is totally working for him. He is delaying coming back home, seems restless when he is back, and rushes to go back to “work” even if his presence isn’t required. Moreover, due to it being mostly quite, things such as complete inability to have emotional intimacy have surfaced. Example, every day after I greet him from work and serve dinner he starts telling me about “wanting to have threesome with me and a young girl, wanting young piece of... ., how much do my services cost?. Being married is more expensive then having a hired escort, and so on” this is his idea of icebreaker, small talk, and a way of conversing. I take my ears elsewhere or ask him an open ended question :” what do I do with nonsense?.” - I ignore it, or “we don’t speak to each other in this manner, or I don’t pay any attention to silliness.
All of that makes him stop on his tracks only to repeat itself the next day.
Miles away from home I’m craving authentic connection, and real intimacy. I’m able to get by when my kids are there, it’s my source of emotional connection and a powerful fuel and motivator. When we are away as we are now, these gaps become big gaping holes.
He is also constantly moving dead lines, breaking promises. We were supposed to go back on Wednesday, he was triggered because his favourite show ran out of episodes. He’s now telling me that we are going back sat or even Sunday, all the while knowing that I need to pack up for our trip.

2: timelines are a big unspoken no no’s when it comes to my uBPDh. Asking means = unhappiness with a current set up= me wanting to change something/ go back= threat of me leaving= abandonment= provoking attack.
You are exactly right about this setuation, he is totally immersed in work, I’m completely bored And anxious. Every day i wake up with a thought that I’m not living my authentic life, I’m not productive, busy, I’m not raising my children, I’m in no way closer to finishing this education. I’m living somebody else’s life, and not my own. My next course is supposed to start in the begging of May. I need to be home from then on so I can attend classes.
P.s. anxieties you noted also come from somewhere. His highly manipulative BPD mother resurfaced, as soon as she heard of him “making it”. She is now trying to insert herself in our lives, after 16 years of little contact. When it comes to prioritizing financially, she is always at the top of the hierarchy. I’m anxious that she will start taking her “cut” before I get a chance to pay off my mortgage or making my kids future secure.

3. It’s working out for him just fine, not working for me at all. I miss our old lives, sure it was harder financially. However we both had our hobbies, he had his work, I was working on my degree. I was raising our kids, we had a routine and mutual understanding. What is really uncomfortable is that I’m not able to come and tell him that, have it all in the open. How unhappy I am, and how we need to have a conversation about it. Many couples deal with long distance work, people serve in the army, others build business elsewhere. In my case, there wasn’t a discussion, he never asked for my opinion or input. I was nonchalantly informed that he was setting up a business there and just started going.

I only have time for a quick reply.

Nothing changes... .unless changes are made.

So... .if you don't like him breaking promises and it really doesn't work for you (make sure this is actually important)... .then you leave when it was agreed upon... .let him know you expect him to honor his word.

But... .YOU do the agreement.

Ever tried that?  What do you think would happen? 

Are you sure... .positive... that he wants to stay a few more days because his shows ran out.  If I asked him why he was staying... .what do you imagine he would say?

FF