BPDFamily.com

Hi everyone,

I have been married to a person with BPD for 30 years. I separated from him several years back for a couple of years, but to my surprise, he sought therapy and was a lot more stable than he is now. It has taken me a bit by surprise to see this old behavior and the silent treatment and a lack of taking responsibility for his actions.
I just wanted to get some links and some suggestions on how to regain my peace and not let his bad moments impact my psyche so much.

Thanks so much,
empower-me...

Hi empower-me,

 

I take it take you reconciled after your separation? Was the ssoeration the catalyst for change for him? Is there a stressor that’s causing him to regress?

What do you do for self care? Self care is super important when you have a partner that suffers from BPD so that you don’t burn the candle at both ends. Do you spend time doing things with family and friends? I’d suggest reading Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-caretaking-borderline-or-narcissist) if you haven’t done so.

Hi empower-me,

Sorry to hear that things seem to be heading south again as far as your H's behavior goes. How long have you been back together again? Has he been under extra stress or did something change that would trigger these behaviors?

We have a lot of great  workshops  (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=36.0) that you can look through. Is there something in particular you are wanting to learn about.

Thanks for the replies,

I try to stay busy with friends and helping others. I keeps me positive and not focusing so much on my own issues. But as far as his BPD, I haven't been thinking of it a whole lot until recently.

He did seek therapy for it several years back. We've been back together since 2015. And he has had a lot of extra stressors in his life thats for sure. So it makes sense. Just trying to find my balance again I suppose. I appreciate any reading material you can suggest to remember how to respond so as not to make matters worse and how to set good boundaries and stick to them.

Thanks again,

Hi empower-me   

Mutt's recommendation to you here, it's an outstanding read:

I was recommended Stop Walking on Eggshells (https://bpdfamily.com/book-reviews/stop-walking-on-eggshells) by a supporting professional. Chapter 6's title is "understanding your situation: setting boundaries and honing skills". I used a few responses in the back of it and they seemed to work well.

While the same chapter of SWOE covers some ways you can avoid setting the other person off--that is, how to respond without causing a trigger issue--to not make matters worse, I want to go from Tattered Heart's suggestion of the site's resources. This one on JADE (https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=139972.msg1363817#msg1363817) seemed easier for me to use than the "don't" suggestions on pg130 (2nd ed) in SWOE.

For this one, I wanted to recommend pg94 of SWOE. It has fabulous suggestion on supporting oneself, thereby increasing your peace. I have tried versions of at least 5 of the suggestions, and I highly recommend them.

Enjoy and I hope you find peace.  :)