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 I ended an almost 3 year long relationship with my ex bf who was diagnosed with BPD in Sept.  I am quite honest with him about why i am not willing to work on this relationship.  He is incapable of a healthy attachment and a consistent loving relationship and he knows it.  He hates it but he knows it.  He is very respectful while discussing the end of us and dividing our things etc.  He said it sucks for him because he doesn't want this to end but respects my decision and gets why I am breaking things off.  I have never had any closure at the end of a relationship before, and this is actually making things easier for me, strangely enough... I have read so many of your experiences on here and this doesn't seem typical.  I am wondering if anyone else's ex lovers has been what I would say is "cordial"?  Just getting things out here so I do not discuss things with him about it... double whammy losing your bestie and bf all in one... thank you  

Closure is something we provide to ourselves. We're never going to get it from someone else directly. Try to frame this as something you're doing for yourself. It's not about him making amends, it's about you realizing what you need and looking for something better.


Who's to say that he is incapable? There are lots people with personality disorders that reach remission from symptoms. I think that this is an important thing to realize. We can't blame our pwBPD for everything and wash our hands clean. That's not how relationships work. We act and react, and so do they... .which means that we have some soul searching to do in a lot of cases.

It'd be impossible to say what his motivations are for being kind. Maybe he actually does respect your decision. Either way, you're leaving. So why question his behavior?

I realize this is something he can and hopefully heal from... in our situation it wouldn't be an easy road because he is in the Military and that would mean me giving up my job and moving my children to follow him... which i would have done at one point... i guess that might make more sense... i guess i should have said incapable of forming a healthy bond with me... why am i asking what his intent is? Because I'm 7 days out and devastated

This may or may not be relevant. I have had men pretend to be my friend for many years (up to 10 years or more), after I initially made it clear that I am not interested in them sexually. Then at some point, they come onto me again, and/or express their anger at not being able to have sex with me.  I am an older woman, no longer turn the heads, and this has happened to me throughout my life. My understanding is that many men (maybe women, can't say as I am heterosexual), just live to be the one on top, and they try to repair the rejection by being the one to leave the relationship. (This is common among narcissists.) I can't tell you about your situation because I do not know you or this guy, and every break-up has its unique story and circumstances.

Hi Teedot,

I'm sorry to hear that you're feeling devastated.  After only a week this is a very difficult time for you, especially as you say he is your best friend and b/f.  That must be so hard.  What is the plan going forwards for you?  Do you plan to remain in contact?  Did you live together?  Keep posting here.  We can help you through this tough time.

Love and light x

sure (not me). just be careful, not too vulnerable, because the sting of rejection can still come out in the process, from anyone, and some members have been hurt in the process.


it really is  . hang in there, we are here to walk with you on your journey.