BPDFamily.com

Hi All,

We often think about what we might say to our ex if we had the opportunity to vent all of our hurt and anger.  There are many posts on this board about whether or not to send something - either a message, an email or a letter.  Recently tiki commented on how something that was written here rather than to a member's ex would make a good thread topic and I wondered if it might be an idea to start a thread which is a log of what we would say given the chance, in the safety of knowing that it couldn't open up old wounds by actually sending in real life.  

I invite you, if this has crossed your mind, to write your messages here as if to your ex partner and release them if it is helpful.  It could make for an interesting read in time if we have a thought pool on one thread.  As a newcomer I feel it would have helped me to read something like this.  Any thoughts?

Love and light x

This was what I wrote on here rather than to him, and you guys saved me... .THANK YOU... .

You know what.  I think I am finally starting to hate you, its happening I can feel it inside.  I told my therapist I didn’t have it in me to hate but I actually think I do.  And not as a defence mechanism, because I do one day want to feel indifferent with you.  It’s not because of what you did to me, your cheating, lying, and devaluing of me.  It’s because of the physical affect you have had on me.  My panic attacks are now stopping me functioning.  I f***ing hate you for that.

So, as much as my heart still yearns for you - I WILL NEVER TAKE YOU BACK.  NEVER.  I WILL ALWAYS REGRET MEETING YOU.  People say never say never but I have never meant anything more in my life.  I live my days in fear that I am dying.  You knew I suffered panics and you still said all those abusive things to me, you knew I was insecure, and you still chose to f*** the one woman I was insecure about behind my back and then swear on your son’s life that you hadn’t when I confronted you.  Who swears on a child’s life, a child that you self-profess to be a bad father to.  A son that you say you want to be more active in his life, and it kills you inside that you haven’t been.  You don’t know how to be a good father, you don’t know how to be a good friend, and you don’t know how to be a good son or brother and certainly don’t know how to be a good romantic partner.

Yeah you are funny, charismatic, charming, a great lover…. But you’re a c*** plain and simple.  And you will always be a c***.  You will never get help, your suicide threats are your get out of jail free cards for bad behaviour.  Your pathetic cries for pity.

And you know what, I know you can’t help it.  I know that you wish you weren’t like this, but you are. I actually do pity you.  You have an incurable personality disorder that destroys the ones you love the most.  You will never get help, not proper help because you have an innate inability to be honest.  As soon as your depression or BPD episodes lift you go back you your lies.

Here's a paradoxical thing I'd like to say sometimes:

Thank you for this crisis. I had forgotten who I am. I had forgotten how strong I am. I never wanted to lose you and wish this didn't happen. But, I am finding myself again, slowly, day by day. Today, so far, right now, is an ok day. Sometimes this is unbearable and my grief is staggering. But, you have taught me what a gift it is to have my emotions and to be able to feel them without fear. You have backhandedly reminded me that my strength lies in my willingness to be vulnerable.

In ways, you isolated me, but in this crisis, I've been reminded how good I am at asking for help and have been reminded how good people can be. That's been refreshing, because you have behaved in a way that sucked all the goodness out of life. Your behavior had me feeling like there was no down or up and like I would never find my footing. I know this isn't over, I know there is still a long road to walk and at times I might only be able to crawl, but you have inadvertently reminded me that I can press on, because I am so strong.

I know that's why you fell in love with me. I know you saw me as a safe place and I bet you hoped that I was the one you wouldn't break. You did break me, for a period of time - or maybe you didn't break me but I sure as hell bent pretty far down the horizon of your mental illness. I don't blame you. I accept this. But, accepting this does not mean accepting it for my future. So thank you, for reminding me of my strength. I wish I would have never lost it with you, and do wish we could do this healing together, but I will lead this marriage one last time if that's what it takes. I will lead it with respect, love, dignity, and strength to the divorce that you desire. I will leave this marriage the same way I entered it. Strong.

This a great thread, as I’ve wanted to say something to her for so long. Over time I’m starting to see there’s not much for me to say, or even a need to. It does however help to write some of this out. I’d love to say to her “I hope you find what your looking for” (but emotionally and logically I can’t, because I know how near impossible that might actually be). I would want to say “I forgive you”, but she likely feels she has done nothing wrong and it’s probably all my fault.

I would want to say how she took advantage of my vulnerability and emotional availability, will not break me. As viscous and thirsty a vampire she might have been, my supply was far too great for her to handle. Saying this would only feed that bottomless pit of her soul, as it would show emotion.

So I would just like to say, “It was a short journey, and maybe it was meant to be that way. Good luck, I wish you well”.

I guess I had a lot more to say than I thought.

I saw that message you wrote to me on the pier. Why would you do that? Isn’t there enough salt? Do I seem like I’m in a great place for this? Can’t you have any compassion at all? I was on day 14 of no contact. You broke that by writing on a public pier. I had a good day just before that.  And reading those words it put me again into days of pain. And I guess it’s because I have to again make sense of why that made me feel the way it did. What was it that got to me. What I realized is it’s because it once again shows your lack of empathy. That no matter what it’s all about you.  More salt. Why did you heap on more salt? I struggle so much with why this is so hard for me. There are all these layers. And I have to figure out what each one is. I’ve felt for the past three years that you don’t value or care about my human life. I guess this is just in keeping with that. It’s not new so why does it still hurt me. There is something about that I just can’t accept.

Here is what I would write to my ex:

Dear ex,
     Today is your birthday and I have very mixed emotions. I’m angry, sad and anxious. I don’t wish you a happy birthday because I simply can’t at this point.

     I clearly remember celebrating your birthday during our first year together. We visited my Sister in the amazing city that she lives in. That was the first time the two of you met. She helped me plan and arrange the whole weekend, just for you. The two of you went to a spa while I finished up some last minute details to make everything as perfect as I could for your special day. We went to a romantic restaurant and dined. We went back to my Sister’s so you could open your gifts and have the cake I specially ordered two months in advance, for you. The climax of the day was the concert we went to, which made the paper in a big city. Then we went back to my Sister’s for the night, and we’re both fairly certain, the doctor included, that we made our Son that night.

     I’m also recalling your birthday of last year. I’m recalling being completely blown off by you after making solid plans. The day of your birthday, we went out to eat, and went back to my little apartment at the time so I could give you your gifts and cake. I thought you were staying the night, but you said you couldn’t. You had plans to go out with the girls on Saturday night to celebrate, and said you didn’t want to stay out real late because you wanted to come and stay the night with me so we could really celebrate your special day. I was going to keep our Son all day while you were getting ready. I planned out and bought a meal for he and I. I had plans for him to have a lot of physical activity that day so he would surely go to sleep early, and stay asleep for us. At the last minute, you smashed those plans. You said he would be staying with your mom, and that you and your friends would be staying at your sister’s. I became pretty upset about that. Your response? “Plans change. Deal with it.”

     The next day after I asked how your night was, all you did was ___ about how a couple of your “friends” made your birthday night out unenjoyable.

     These are my thoughts on your special day. I don’t like you, at all. I think you’re repulsive. You’re more of a narcissist than a borderline. You cut yourself, so the borderline is there. You cause damage that no one else sees. You’re a train wreck, and I consider myself lucky to have jumped from the train and survived the fall. You’re a taker, a liar, a manipulator, a professional victim and an abuser. That’s what your f*****g cake should say.

As far as the boys and myself, we don't need you. We don't need someone in our lives who cares so little about us that they can pick up and leave with no real reasoning.
You're unhappy. There are things you can do about that. You didn't want to.

You can't face up to or take any accountability for your part in our issues. Instead you found something better.

WE, don't need someone like that in our lives. I hope wherever and whoever you are with are worth it to you.

Obviously, we were not worth your time and effort. I will not say anything to the boys about you that is negative. However, I will not lie to them either. And you know they are smart. I am sure they will figure things out for themselves and they won't want to deal with you either.

As for what we had, you are right. You didn't deserve me. I gave you everything that I had, and you treated me like crap for it.

You don't have any say in what I do with the boys. You made that choice when you abandoned them.

I know you have lied to yourself, to make you believe that I am awful, but that's not true or you would have stayed for the kids. To protect them from me. You have lied to everyone. How about those job offers you were telling me were already in place? Yet, six months and you still don't have a job.

The only person you care about is yourself. You want what you say to be the law. It always has been, in your mind and I tried to make it so. However, at this point your suggestions and opinion don't mean a thing to me.

You are a lying, heartless, whore and I hope it was all worth it.

We have no time for a self-absorbed narcissistic ___. We deserve more from the time we spend on something.

You are cut from the cloth of your father who abandoned you. I really thought you were growing. I guess I was wrong. I should have left you long ago. I stuck around because I believed our marriage was worth it.

In the same breath I wish you happiness and also I hope that you find yourself crushed and defeated when you realize what you have actually done.

I just wish you would stop lying and tell the truth about everything. You can't be sorry, if you are still unwilling to tell the truth.

The truth, in my estimate, is that you are hurting. The truth is that you want to be happy and are willing to go to the most extreme lengths looking for it, as long as you don't have to look at yourself. There you find shame, regret, and fear. You can't face these feelings because you don't know how.

This is not your fault. This is due to the traumas you have faced throughout your life. You had a mother that you loved dearly. You had a father that you loved dearly. When your father left, when you were 5, your mother gave up. When you were 13, after having to take care of yourself, your mom went into a nursing home. You were taken in by family and abused. Other members of your family tried to abuse you. Then, when you did not meet the expectations of those who should have loved you, they turned you out of their home. After you graduated you decided to return home to be with your mother, but she had dementia and it was very hard for you to really be with her. You were the in abusive relationships. Relationships with people who did drugs, people who physically threatened you.

When I got to you, you needed a way out and I gave it to you. I tried to give you everything. You didn't know how to take that, as you had never had that before. Then, I started having my own issues. Narcolepsy. I felt shame and guilt for an issue that I couldn't control. Life was repeating itself again. You resented me for my issues. You felt like you had to take care of me.

You say you had to worry about me when you weren't home. You didn't even want to admit that I actually had a problem. You wanted to get away. You even tried before we knew what my problem actually was. He sent you back to me.

You acquiesced and came back, and we conceived our first son. Then our 2nd son. Things started to look up, but then they quickly turned down again, and I was laid off. We had to move back 3 hours awa and live with my parents, which you further resented me for. You also had hard feelings that I made more on disability than you did working full-time.

Finally I got my break, and got my current job. I knew you wanted to be in back to the other city, as you had told me this many times. You were pregnant with our 3rd son, and you had been depressed for a long time. We knew that there were issues and we were talking about them. You made promises but didn't follow through with them. Then our 3rd son was born and you refused to seek the help that even you admitted that you needed.

Things haven't been the greatest, but you told me that you would never do what you have done. You told me to stand by you no matter what. Then when someone appeared to be offering you something better, you decided to leave.

You are perpetuating the cycle that your father started when he left you and your mother all those years ago. You are better than that and I know you know that.

I admit that I am starting to get bitter. You have gone out of your way to vilify me. You have told lies about me.

You have told people that I am stupid, that I am controlling, and that I wouldn't let you have any of YOUR hard earned money. These lies are complete fabrications, as I never did any of these things.

All I ever wanted to do was provide you with everything you needed and wanted. I wanted you to be happy. I couldn't make you happy. Only you could make you happy. But I tried so hard to help. In the end you had to go back to somewhere that people would let you vilify me, because they don't know how much I care about you. You had to go somewhere that you could betray our marital bonds. Somewhere that I wouldn't be able to see what you were doing. Somewhere that I couldn't follow you. You laid in a bed with another man and you've told him that you love him.

You've lied to everyone, including your children. If you could have put 1/10 of the amount of energy that you have spent telling your lies, on our marriage, it could have worked. You were too focused on moving on to someone new. And someplace familiar. The sad part is that you aleeady knew that there isn't anything for you there.  You've told me so hundreds of times, even thanked me for taking you away from there.

You kept telling me that you had "grown balls"... .I understand what you mean. But if this is true, why couldn't you at least be honest. Why all the lies. It's because the fact is that you haven't grown at all, just digressed further into the psychosis.

Deep down, you know there is a problem. It wasn't me. That's not saying that I don't have my own issues, because I do have my own issues. I tried too hard. That's just because I love you so much and I could see how much you were hurting, but I knew I couldn't fix you. Only you could. Only you CAN. You had so many expectations for me, but you could not hold yourself responsible for yourself. You've never had to, and by leaving you still won't have to. Until your new fling ends, or has issues. Maybe he'll let you leave. Maybe he'll hold you at gunpoint and say you can't. I didn't do that to you. However, he seems like he is the type to do something like that, just as you said one of your other exes did if that is even true. You are somewhat kindred spirits, homewreckers.  You've admitted to it in the past and I am sure he was aware that you were a married woman. I am sure that to you, right now, he feels like your savior. Until this too ends. I doubt he even realizes what he has got himself into.

I have no doubts that eventually this new situation will devolve and I don't think it will take long. The honeymoon period will wear off and you will settle back into the same patterns that you have exhibited in the past. Unless you get help, it is INEVITABLE.
 
You will live a life of roller-coaster ups and downs, and you will hate yourself even more. You will not have the boys, and you can't have anymore children of your own. Your children will be able to see through the lies eventually. I have the tough job of making sure that they don't follow you down the same path that you are on. I have to shelter and protect them from it.  I have to protect them from you.

That knowledge hurts me to the core. But your betrayal hurts even more than that. You have wounded my soul. I have prayed to God for the strength to move on. But I know that our paths will cross again at some point. We were meant to be there for each other. You were there for me in college even before you moved to SD. I thought of you often. The thought of you laying with another man is sickening to me. But I know this has already happened.

I don't need you, but I wanted you in my life. I didn't try to change you and never asked you to be someone you weren't. These are all lies that you built up in your head so that you could leave without feeling bad about it and deep down you know that is true.

If you want true happiness you will need to take and deep look inside yourself. You need to forgive those that did wrong by you. You need to learn to love. You need to find the caring person that I know you have in you, as I have seen it before. Otherwise these bad events in your life will continue over and over and gain until your life is over and you will have nothing to show for it.

I admit that I did try to have you committed. I didn't do it because you wanted to leave me. I actually had your best interests at heart. I was trying to get you the help that you need, where you refused to get it for yourself. I had already prepared myself for the fact that one way or the other that our marriage was over. I just want the best for you, no matter what you did and have done and are still trying to do to me. I still want the best for you. I know I am too nice to you. I should treat you, the way you have treated me. But I will not do that.

I have often questioned whether it was me. And I know it's not all me as you would like me to believe. However what you have done this time, proves to me without a doubt that you have BPD. Without any doubt. You rapid devaluation of me, along with so many other traits proves it. Everything was fine. We had problems, but rather than face the problems, you just ran away into the arms of another man.


... .sorry... .I know this is really long. I've had a lot of hard feelings for a while. These are the things I wrote and and knew I could never and would never say to her. It me was me trying to get through my anger.

This was my letter to my BPD friend, sent by mail. We talked a week later, but not about the content, she said she got the letter and that she still wants to respond. She did not yet and I doubt she will.

I apologize for the length for my letter - sorry.

Letter:

I’m writing to you since our sudden face to face contact is pretty fresh and I want to respond to that, a phone call would not allow me to say what I want to say.
Seeing each other at xxxx on Saturday at some point was something necessary and unavoidable, and it was nothing out of the blue or a surprise to you. I’m strong enough to face a situation like this and I was the one to put myself in a situation of a possible confrontation with you and it was my decision to do so.
In one of my SMS in November and December I told you I was going to be in towen by the end of January and your friend seems to tell you always if I’m there - so no surprise. I was there on Friday night too, but it was boring at the club.

There was no reason for me to start a conversation with you, having you in front of me and I’ll explain why.
We had a good and pretty long phone call in November when I told you that I made peace with you, for that phone call things seemed to be ok, even when you said you had a difficult time and you were struggling with yourself since months. I do understand that.

That last Saturday night I had planned to go to party at the club much earlier, but I met new very young friends in town and we talked for hours, that’s a very intelligent and mature couple, and I drove them back home to xxxx. It was too early for Vogue in xxxx and I drove back to town to visit the crowded place the club.

In my SMS to you I honestly offered my friendship and I was worried how you were doing.
I know it’s a far distance for a friendship but not that far. During the end of last year and January you purposely never responded to me. That was not unusual for you and not a big surprise to me but it was very annoying and anything but nice behaviour. I’ve experienced your total silence already before, it was last year after we met the first time in April. That left me very confused, today I’m aware of a lot of new things and I’m not confused anymore.

The point is, no communication is considered a silent treatment and it is a damaging form of verbal and emotional abuse. That kind of verbal abuse is a means of maintaining power, control, superiority and dominance over the recipient of the silent treatment (me).
No word needs to be spoken in a verbal abuse situation. Healthy relationships/friendships require intimacy, verbal abuse is a violation of the meaning of friendship and interpersonal relationship. Intimacy requires empathy. To hear and be heard and to understand another’s feelings and experiences is empathetic comprehension.

However, in a conflict the parties (us) discuss their wants, needs and seek a mutually win/win solution. While seeking the solution neither party forces, dominates or controls the other.
Simply stated, silence/withholding is a choice to keep virtually all one’s thoughts, feelings, hopes and dreams to oneself and to remain silent and aloof toward another (me), to reveal as little as possible, and to maintain an attitude of cool indifference, control and Power Over (me).
The consequences of any form of verbal abuse may vary in intensity, depth and breadth. However the outcome of any form of verbal abuse impacts the receiver’s (me) self-perception, emotional well-being and spiritual vitality. Verbal abuse takes the joy and vitality out of life through the distortions of reality, because the abuser’s (you) response does not coincide with the sender’s communication.

Please understand withholding is the most damaging and hurtful form of verbal abuse and NO fun at all.

Xxxx, you actually use that treatment against me, perhaps it’s a sign of defence, insecurity, fear of abandonment, stress, mistrust, anger or testing me and my boundaries.
However, your silence is a very strong punishment and can be a real torture, but I also see this might be the only way for you to cope with your stress, fears, bad feelings, depression, emptiness and memories.
I’m sure you know that silent treatment is hurtful and can be damaging to the other person.
Ask yourself, do you want to be treated like this?

This kind of treatment is used by narcissists, borderline disordered people and other disordered individuals. I know that learning from mistakes and changing behaviour is very difficult or almost impossible for personality disordered people.
There is NO space for an abusive silent treatment in any kind of friendship or human relationship; it’s a violation of any trustful relationship!
 
However, you’ve repeatedly made extremely vague statements about what happened to you at age 15 and in 2015. I told you I won’t ask if you don’t want to talk about that. I’m not responsible for your possibly very disappointing or terrible experiences at young age or any experience of abandonment, war and hurt. I’m also not responsible for your feelings or any other problem of yours. I’m a person that can be trusted and I never abuse anyone, I’m totally loyal and reliable to my friends and family if they don’t betray me.

I would not say anything hurting you purposely, I could have said some bad things to you last Saturday, but first that’s not my personality, and second I don’t think you’re a bad person.

What I would have asked for (last Saturday) and expected from you is saying something personal and smart, such as an explanation for your abusive behaviour towards me or a simple apologize or ‘sorry’. It was not up to me to say anything to you as I have not done anything to you except being there and being available, I also think I’ve said enough to give you enough reason for trust in me.

If your silence is the conclusion of a well addressed goodbye, please say it and I’ll be ok with it. But when there is every intention of reengaging later so that the silence served to keep me in circles then that is abusive. Your SMS last November when I rejected coming back to you at the club was an attempt of reengaging, but what you said was also, and again, very manipulative.

Last Saturday, it was not really unexpected to eventually see you at xxxx, it had to happen at some point anyways. When I was sitting on that high chair in the upstairs gallery, I was probably looking at my phone or something else and didn’t realize that you appeared in front of me. Then suddenly, out of the blue, you were standing across looking at me intensely, just you looked at me when I met you in April. I had to look twice to realize that it was in fact you. You do have pretty eyes and you’re a very beautiful woman.

By using silence you punish yourself too. I don’t believe it’s a joyful experience for you and the goal of gaining some control is a self-deception. It works with most people, but not with me as I do understand this mechanism. I believe you’ve lost many friends and that you have been abandoned by many in the past and that abandonment is one of your biggest fears.
I don’t want to repeat myself about consideration and the meaning of true friendship, but instead I add this definition for you to read and comprehend in your way:

Friendship is a relationship of mutual affection between people. Friendship is a stronger form of interpersonal bond than an association. Friendship has been studied in academic fields such as communication, sociology, social psychology, anthropology, and philosophy. Various academic theories of friendship have been proposed, including social exchange theory, equity theory, relational dialectics, and attachment styles.
Although there are many forms of friendship, some of which may vary from place to place, certain characteristics are present in many types of such bonds. Such characteristics include affection; kindness, love, virtue, sympathy, empathy, honesty, altruism, loyalty, mutual understanding and compassion, enjoyment of each other's company, trust, and the ability to be oneself, express one's feelings to others, and make mistakes without fear of judgment from the friend.

True friendship is not when you go to school and hang around with someone just because you have no one else to chill with. It’s not calling someone up when you’re bored because they are fun to talk to. It’s not when you can’t think of a birthday gift and end up buying your friend a Walmart gift card. It’s not when you have to talk to someone about something you don't particularly care about (like how much snow we got last year) to avoid an awkward silence.
Friendship is when you love someone with every ounce of your being and genuinely want them to be happy even if it means sacrificing something yourself to make them happy. A true friend is someone you can talk to about your feelings, someone you can tell things you could never tell your family or even your partner. They are someone who you don't have to talk to but someone you want to talk to; someone you will go out of your way to be with. Friendship is when you love someone so much you want to hold them and never let go, someone you want to rest your head on and cry, and you would let them cry on you too. It’s someone you can talk to about things you disagree on and end up being closer for that disagreement. It’s when you think about someone and how close you are to them and how much you love them and you smile and are happy all over.
Friendship is when your love for someone exceeds your need for them. (the Dali Lama said that)!

If you look in the dictionary it will tell you that the definition of friendship is a state of being friends; friendly relation, or attachment, to a person, or between persons; affection arising from mutual esteem and good will; friendliness; amity; good will. That all sounds nice, but it doesn’t cover the fact that a true friendship is a relationship that can survive the test of time and remain unconditional.
 
Friendship for most people is a combination of affection, loyalty, love, respect, and trust. The general traits of a friendship include similar interests, mutual respect and an attachment to each other, and in order to experience friendship, you need to have true friends. The emotional safety provided by friendship means not having to weigh your thoughts and measure words. True friendship is when someone knows you better than yourself and takes a position in your best interests in a crisis. Friendship goes beyond just sharing time together, and it is long lasting.
 
Friendship can mean different things to different people. For some people it is simply the trust that someone will not hurt you. For others it might be unconditional love or just normal companionship. Whatever your own definition is, friendship is often considered as a mutual and agreeable relationship between two individuals, and that’s a good thing, as it has been said that a person who finds a true friend has found a priceless treasure.
 
Friendship is rarely one-sided though, as it takes two individuals to negotiate the boundaries in a relationship and a friendship will not survive very long if only one person is making the effort to sustain the relationship without any help or recognition from other person. Because it takes both positive and negative experiences to define a personality, it is essential to build your friendships with people who are compatible with you on both an emotional and psychological basis.

I’ve put a lot of effort getting along with our friendship and trying to understand you as much as it is possible for me with no communication. I do have my own boundaries which you have to accept and respect.
With NO communication, silence, abuse and manipulation - I can’t be in any kind of friendship with you or anyone else, you know that. If you don’t reply to my effort in any way, I will understand that as an act of saying byebye. In any event, I will keep going to town and xxxx.
I’ve made my choice by calling you in November. If you chose to reply, you know how to reach me, whether it’s an e-mail, SMS or a call. And if so, take enough time thinking and make up your mind.

When I left xxx on Saturday after you said you need to say good bye to your friends, I went downstairs for a smoke, it was not meant to be understood as abandonment for good. I actually saw you leaving when you got your coat as I was also waiting in line with many people leaving, you had left when I got out there.

I will be back in town on March 23rd/24th, this will be after my visit of the classic car fair, where I was the day we met last April. if you wish, reply before then please.

Regards

ok here i go... .

I've thought about contacting you a least 10,000 times in the past 18 months.  It crossing my mind so many times a day and in so many formats.

I've made up stories and ways to reach out and sound casual... .as if this hasn't just ripped me in two... .But that wouldn't be honest nor truthful. 

I have so many questions, so many why's, how could you, did you, etc...   Each time I  ask those aloud i imagine what you might answer and regardless of the answer I still feel no relief - which is why I know you don't have an answer that will soothe me...

You once called me pathetic... .You were right... .I didn't think I was before but I am now.  I hate that you could let me go so easily and here I am 18 months later and missing you doesn't get easier it gets actually harder... .

Sometimes I think in a letter I would write I wish you well, or hope you are doing well but that wouldn't be honest either.  If you were doing well, I think I would feel even worse.  At the same time I don't want you to be doing badly.

So I think about what do I want... .and I guess this is it...
I want you to "be" better
I want to hear from you that you realize what you lost and that you too haven't had a day where you haven't thought about me or longed for me.
I want to hear the truth from you, where you acknowledge the lies and take responsibility.
I want us to have another chance to know each other outside of lies, mirroring and projection. 
I want to know who you are so I no longer have to sort through all the experiences to try to figure it out.

I also haven't wrote or contacted you because I think this one thing... .If you were cold, dismissive or even casual - I couldn't handle it...

So I don't write, call or text but my heart and mind talks to you all day and night. 

Please... .just one sign that I still occupy some part of your heart and maybe just maybe I could find a moments peace.

I am writing you because I can better organize my thoughts rather than try to communicate via text message. I want to give you my thoughts on this relationship and perhaps simply telling you as I did last week that we had no future, I need to tell you how I feel.

First, you hurt me immensely with your actions last fall. I could not believe a person who said she loved me and was my soulmates could attempt to ruin my entire life, my career, my friendships and my family. I still to this day cannot fully understand your actions or your motivations, but I am beginning to understand why you did them.

When you told me you were diagnosed with borderline personality disorder last December, I had no idea what that was. I briefly read on the subject but really did not follow up. Over the last week, I have emersed myself in information about the disorder. I have covered it in therapy. I have tried to understand and explain why you did what you did and why we fought in the manners we fought. I have learned to forgive myself and have recognized that I am not at total fault for the end of our relationship. Yes, there were times I made mistakes, but a relationship must be a two way street where both sides work for one another. That did not happen with us.

I have not seen any remorse, no forgiveness, no effort to change. At first when you told me you were in therapy and doing better, it made me happy. All I want to see is for you to address your disorder and become a better person through hard work. Yet, when I refused and said I was not ready to sit down with you, that violent, nasty, vengeful side came out and it made me sad because it showed me you have not changed and you are not as much better as you think you are. Therapy for borderline disorder is a multi-year process. If you were willing to commit to it, I would come back and support you. But I know that isn't something you are willing to do. Instead, you are happy to go out and find a new person to replace me with, one that will not challenge your weaknesses and only validate your behavior. You went out and found someone to fill the void I left instead of being kind, reaching out to me and showing me you had made changes.

You called me weak for not taking you back and weak for listening to others who warned me about taking you back, but I have found strength in myself to walk away from a person who only lives to hurt me and only feels better when she knows I am suffering.

I want you to get help. I want to be the one that can support you through this journey toward being a strong, more stable person. But I know you won't be serious about it. You'll just find someone new, jump from relationship to relationship, always blaming others for your problems and never admitting fault.

I am sad for you. Best of luck and please do not come crawling back when you realize what you had in me.

Actually I didn't mention that I've sent this letter to her by mail. She said to have received it and wants to  respond - which I highly doubt to happen.

I am hoping I get the opportunity to send this:

I have no desire to rekindle a friendship with you.  The last time we were in touch you kindly told me I was staggeringly arrogant, full of bullsh1t and excuses and wished I would just leave you alone.  Therefore hardly somebody you would want to be friends with, right?

'The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different outcome'

We do not work; not as friends or anything else.  We are not on the same page; not even close.  Being in contact with you isn’t healthy for me and I certainly do not like the person I become when you are in my life.  

You have your wish; I have and will continue to leave you alone.

It’s time to let it go and move on.


This email is sat in my drafts just in case... .

to my ex--- he isn't an ex, he has died of colon cancer, 9 months ago. A very rapid illness.

to my ex ----- it's the lies I cannot take. You later on twist things round so it is not your fault.  But it was your fault.  it is the lies.

It's the fact that you will never apologise that makes me sad.

It's the fact that you don't listen to me, and that you cannot be talked round or reasoned with, that makes me so disappointed in you and for our marriage.   When you don't include any point that I have made, you are driving a cart and horses through courtesy through our marriage contract.   And as I have not been able to make you change, all I can think of is to say that I feel rejected. Do you know that? rejected, and a bunch of flowers does nothing to make things better.

Normal people, when angry about something will stop, if I point out that they misunderstood/ did not know what happened. What I mean is, you are saying 'I am cross about A and B and C and it is terrible and you, wife are wrong' and then I say, 'But I never wanted A' or 'It was someone else who did B, not me' and 'C never happened'  Anyone else would be able to stop when they hear some of this.  But not you, this is NOT normal, mister.  you are NOT NORMAL.    

You say that you love me, but why don't you use this love to drive positive emotions in your heart/brain?

Why should you feel it important to say bad things to us?   If I go on the long journey to see my father you should say 'Good journey' not 'the weather is bad, the driving will be dangerous, all will be terrible for you'
Why do you think that you have to tell the adult children that things will go wrong?  Can't you make things nice for them?

I do wish I had known about SET, (support, empathise and tell the truth)    I would have been able to be a bit more supportive and been able to empathise a bit more. You did not enable me to love you as much as I might have done if you had been normal/kinder/more positive.

Why did you not want to mix with my family?  ?

I am so glad we had the three children, who could support each other.

and the rest ... .

I WAS strong, it took me 6 months after your death before I could say a good word about you. I was strong when you were difficult.   I made the marriage as good as I could.

Something I wrote as a cover letter. About 18 months of pent up frustration dealing with more of a friend than an ex. But after I sent this, I felt I was able to let go with love and respect, take responsibility for only my issues, and move forward a small amount... .


After thought and meditation, I understand that yesterday was not a reflection of who and what I am in this moment. I was caught unaware by your approach, overwhelmed, and found myself wanting to believe what I saw, as opposed to what I truly feel.
The attached letter (written a little while back) is a more accurate reflection of me going forward. I stand by all that I’ve written. You have apologized for “hurting me”. I accept that. There is so much in this letter and in my journaling that you have not. And I require none from you.  I struggle with the number of times I have allowed myself to be manipulated, but that’s on me. I had the ability to walk away numerous times, and I chose not to do so. Lesson learned. And with that I let go of all the energy associated with what has happened. My focus returns to my work.
I walk from this having purged all of my anger I can in the moment. And I apologize from the bottom of my heart for any and all pain I have brought you. As I go forward, it is my hope to send only thoughts of compassion as you begin your journey. May you find what you need on yours.

If this helps anyone, I'll be pleased... .

Dear speck of dust doofus,

That was so stupid what you said. I can’t even with the things you say. You haven’t  done real work on yourself. Not the kind that is going to be helpful to the people around you.  I can’t even. And when were you that other person yesterday? This morning? You have no clue. You’re blaming people for their perceptions of you. And there is a poor me in there too when the problem is your treatment of others.

How can somebody that loses his keys every other minute. a total ridiculous high person be such a dangerous thing. You’re the only person I’ve ever known who makes me feel together and smart. I’ve never met anyone who seemed dumber than myself. And you know what your skin is so white and it has bearded hairs that grow out of it and it constantly gets flushed a purple-red. Like a giant face penis.

Okay. Mean. I know.

Tomorrow's your birthday, D. It's also the three-year anniversary of being ghosted by you. Of course you'd already moved on, and let me know, but you were still pretending until three years ago tomorrow that you cared about me and wanted to keep me in your life.

I read the story you published last year. It was pretty obviously based on our relationship, and I had a whole bunch of different reactions to it. The main thing it told me was that I persisted in your mind in some form, even after you froze me out. I guess I can't know for sure anything else.

I want to send you this essay I just wrote, which covers some of the things that were going on in my life during the time we were drifting apart. Maybe if you read this, you'd have some sense of the stress I was under. Life intruded, D., and I'm sorry you didn't get what you needed from me during that time, and I'm sorry that the result was that you cut me out entirely, but maybe if you read this you'd have a little more understanding of what else was going on for me. Maybe then you'd see that it was a time when I needed your understanding.

steelwork

This is a great thread and I’ve been tempted to write my ex a letter, and send it with our Son’s backpack. I think it’s best to leave it here. It should be noted that I’ve posted on this thread already. My thoughts and feelings are changing. To any of you that are still raw and hurting in unimaginable ways, it gets better. It begins to hurt in different ways, and the focus turns to us. We’re all in this thing together.

Dear Ex,

Our Son is the greatest thing to ever come into my life. Thank you for him. I love you. Detaching from you has been so hard. I’ve learned that I was able to look past so much because it was familiar to me. Because I’m wired to accept things that don’t feel good. Babe, it didn’t feel good, and I’m tired of not feeling good. I’ve spent most of my life not feeling good. I’m so sorry that our personalities couldn’t find a way to line up. I’m sorry that I placed so much blame on you for my own shortcomings. Upon meeting you, I only wanted to help. I wasn’t able to do that. There is no way I could have. We have so much in common, yet we are divided by mental and emotional conditions. I so wish that we resided on the same end of the spectrum.

I miss you. I lay down with thoughts of you, dream about you and wake with you being the first thing on my mind. I’ve poured myself out to you in need of understanding, acceptance, empathy, compassion and accountability. These are the things I needed from you. I realize now that you aren’t able to provide those things.

I have to thank you for awakening in me a better understanding of who I am and why I am the way that I am. It seems like we could be friends, or in a perfect world, reunite as lovers in this discovery, but it’s a one sided discovery.

My love, I am evolving. I will never hurt another the way that I hurt you, and I will never again allow another to hurt me the way that you have. I was less than my best with you. I miss you and I love you. Please take care.

Oh boy! I have already written to him since Feb, I'd have to look at my emails to say but I would got through all the love mails and responses to fusses trying to reason with him not to break it off. Mind you everything was always my fault and even though he was wrong I always tried to take 'part' of the responsibility. Gotta' be fair ya' know! LOL... .Well he didn't respond to those except that he didn't get the whole Pdf  file and would respond after he got the whole thing, so I sent the rest and heard nothing back. Oh yes he likes or comments to a few FB things but no there is no communication of importance. I haven't written in 2 weeks now and his Birthday was yesterday, I did not send a card or email a greeting. I'm proud of that milestone. But today it's all I can do not to write to him... .
As for what I would like to say... .what kind of sick SOB are you and who do you think you are? I'm not your first (he was married 39 yrs, he said she left him and had always made it her problems of course). Well thanks God! She finally had the guts to leave you, why didn't your chicken asP leave her years before if it was so bad! You had your huge expensive toys (still do), she had 2 kids to raise as best she could. And how many women did you screw up screwing around on her because you could use your marriage as an excuse not to commit. I'd always wondered how she got so little in the divorce and now I see, she had to get out from your rages, and the emptiness and anxiety she felt each day just before you came home.  She had illnesses caused primarily by nerves and neglect, tried suicide several times which you made out to be her 'mental' problem... .well yeah! 39 yrs with your Narcissistic ass would make anyone suicidal. I can assure you I am brought to my knees and I'm in a butt load of pain but NO sick SOB like you is worth taking my own precious life! I gave you honesty, trust, love, and was good to your family. Your kids and Grands loved me! How can you do this to all of us? Even your few friends you introduced me to were happy you had finally found some one with some class and sense and who loved you. I'm sure you have now fooled them too, triangulating and making it all my fault. I cannot defend myself from that either so you 'win' again. I just hope they realize their first impression was the right one. My psychologist says they know you and probably know at some level there is something wrong with the picture. The woman before me was a strong woman too and she was 2 yrs with you, so you say. I'd love to talk to her... .You are a lonely and bitter almost 'old' man and probably always will be. I'd say rot in hell but you already live there... .you say you want to love and be loved... .you have been and you threw it away, several times... .

JNChell, I salute you.  Never a truer word... .  Seems to me you've found the purpose in the pain. 

Love and light x   

Yes, at this moment I want to write to you. You intertwined me with part of your family as we progressed. I now am conflicted as to whether I can stand the pain of disengaging from your/our/my step Granddaughter, your son and his wife. Will I hurt them by withdrawing? Can I maintain a relationship with them and not hurt myself? I talked to her (sons wife) today and they are at your house. See it wasn't just you I let myself love, at your invitation, I loved them too and it wasn't a frivolous decision. Now you all have each other and I have no-one.

_____if I were the one who had caused all the 'drama' as we went along why oh why would you introduce me to your boss, who liked me, your friends, who also liked that you had found a woman who loved you and you loved. Why did you always blame me for everything. I was never a drama Queen, never. But I couldn't be a doormat either. Sometime I had to defend myself from the rages and anger you hurled at me for nothing. It the phone blipped you would say I interrupted you. If I said aqua you would get mad and say blue. If I disagreed over minor subjects as a discussion you would say I was not trusting you and start a fight.

I worked hard to change my life and disengage from the my life here to be with you. I was good to you, thoughtful gifts for you and you never even gave me a Birthday or Christmas present or card. Now where do I go? What do I do? How do I do an about face?

Knowing you were alone when we were between 'visits' I cooked and sent you home with weeks worth of your favorite healthy foods to freeze and last for weeks. When there I did the same, only that time you came home raging as to why a bag of cuttings from food prep was on top of the garbage can, why the door was open, why an outdoor chair had been moved. Raising hell clasping your hands together shaking them at me and yelling at me that the dishes were in the sink. I had stopped at 4 to clean myself up before you got home. Opened the door for you so you didn't have to fool with the lock. Moved the chair to sit outside to view the beautiful snow I never got to see in my area and feel it on my face. I was content and so very happy to be spending that week with you after missing Christmas together because I had the flu. It was disappointing but I came as soon as I was able to make the 12 hour drive.

These things I would probably not say to him, I am still blaming myself for our break up... .

I long for the family I had come to love and to build good memories with you on a much needed trip to Europe with you to build memories together and share something besides the responsibilities we had tackled for months. I was to meet your sister and other family there too. Why ______? I feel like you were laughing at me the whole time. Physically you were the only man I had known after years of a loveless marriage. I was happy alone when I met you. Happy with myself and the person I was. You said you loved her. Now I cannot find her, she blended with you and now I'm not the same.

I want to curse you and hurt you as much as I am hurting but I cannot because I am not a vindictive person. You loved the kindness I now cannot find within. Only pain. I've begged, written, cried, and pleaded with you to let us work this out. I'm sure i'm not a perfect person but surely not so bad that you should have treated me as you have... .I want your love back. I wanted the first few months to last the rest of our lives. But I grew to fear the rages, the arguments you started, being grabbed by the shoulder in stores twice because I was looking the other way and you said something to me, I was 2 feet away, I could hear you, just looking to see which isle something was on... .being yelled at in the car... .but I also miss holding your hand, holding you, the touch, the smell of you... .

Ok that's all I can write now, I'm crying and I'm exhausted... .It's been since Feb 7th he said he's done. After he was wrong about an event in my area... .I wrote to him and told him I had grown to fear him and the rages. I was not the first or the second either. But he said I'd be the last and he'd rather be alone than do that to anyone else again... .who'se next? He hated being alone... .which is it... .

Do I sound confused enough NPD/BPD family? Will I ever find the me he said he fell n love with. Also said he liked strong women and i was that for sure... .now I feel like a shell... .tears, tears... .6 of the longest weeks of my life... .

on the theme of birthday cards, I hope the possible anticipation you felt that one would have made its way to you this year, despite the ghosted NC, that you held out some sort of percentage chance that this person you thought you had ultimate control over my emotions would waver someway from his "anger" or "fall out" or whatever misguided thought may have entertained your mind in all this freedom time i built myself.

you were right. despite everything, the heart became weak for you again, the one that over rode all my rationality and instinct of what is right or wrong. despite all i had learned, researched, the torrent of sadness that cant even be described as a depression or a trauma. bitter disappointment is for normal break ups. you were right that the thought came strongly in my mind and played its disorientating game with me. But I didnt. nothing did land through your door.

How did that feel?

it was enough for you to come to my door. yes do show yourself up. I was right to expect it. each day I get better, you become less of the mystery you once were. if I feel hatred, please never take the credit or arrogance that it is for you, I never lost anything, because I never had anything to begin with, you took one thing away from me and only one thing, my own illusion and that is the only thing that hurt because I made it myself, you cultivated it along the way, tried to sustain it but like a cheap wooden table covered in a veneer, your real value eventually revealed itself. happy belated birthday to you! come around again next year to the same closed door.

most people would rather spend it around those who love them... .oh wait! I think I just got the whole point right there!

Cromwell

I do want to text him to let him know why i blocked him out of everything. i feel bad to have ended our r/s like this. he didn't do much wrong to me intentionally. I feel i hurt him for my best interest and i feel bad about it. I want to send him a brief text explaining i only did it bc it's the only way for me to move on in the healthiest way. I don't want him to think i want to delete every memory, that not what i want, neither to end things in bad terms. what should i do?

All I have left to say to my STBx is: Double middle fingers to you, you lying, conniving, inconsiderate POS.

I had gotten into the habit of flipping her off from other rooms or different floors of the house the last year or so of her reign of terror.

As a matter of fact, I did it just yesterday (even though she's in Florida at a trade show) while finishing up another home improvement project she would have never approved of or helped with.

J

Here is a letter I wanted to send her before she gets back from vacation next weekend

I remember what you texted me that Monday after we broke up two weeks after “ I don’t usually chase people I guess it’s your lucky day”. Well this is me reaching out to you now and all I ask is you please just read what I have wrote here k?
 I wanted to tell you that in the last month I’ve been trying to understand what has been wrong with you in a good way.What I mean by that is why you behave in certain ways and your patterns.Ive been studying this because I want to keep you and have you in my life but I need to understand you as well and not assume I understand you like most ppl.I think that’s why you’ve also been seeing me as difficult before we broke up and that’s why you’ve been finding it hard to read me.I have figured out what the issue is and wanted to tell you because I hope you will seek help for it.Just so you don’t feel bad I as well have had an issue that needed treatment so it’s not a bad thing.
So xxxxx here Its is .You have what’s called BPD(borderline personality disorder) and no it has nothing to do with bipolar or multiple personalities.Its very treatable with something called dialectrical therapy which are tools and exercises to understand and treat the issues .I even found someone who specializes in this in Montreal for you.This disorder you have has the following symptoms and issues :
Immense fear of abandonment and not being loved (terrified of being alone)
Unstable relationships
Unclear /unstable self image
Self harm or suicidal thoughts sometimes
Extreme emotional swings (go from loving to hating someone in hours)
Chronic feelings of emptiness
Explosive anger
Do things that are dangerous (drugs,drinking,unsafe sex with ppl barely know)
Will sabotage relationships so someone leaves proving they are unloveable (remember what you said about you pushing ppl away that love you)
Will leave a relationship to be sure they decided first and it didn’t happen to them
Past moments of emotion are as real as they were weeks/years ago in the immediate moment.
This list goes on... .

I’m sure your saying to yourself right now ,what does he want with me leave me alone xxx I hate you and you left me twice already ___ off.Look I’m only learning about this stuff to now  and I’m deeply sorry I reacted very wrong now knowing what the issue is.I left to save my self from being hurt and upset so much.Im sick and thought I had cancer (but after tests)I don’t and what I have is curable with medication.What I should have done was stick by your side and been there to help you when you were upset and emotionally in a bad place .Everyone makes mistakes xxxxx I didn’t understand what I was dealing with I was uneducated about it... .I failed you in a way.I didn’t pickup on the signs you sent me like telling me numerous times ( I’ll never betray you or hurt you on purpose) or when you said I’m yours for as long as you keep me.All these were signs I never picked up on and ignored now knowing that even YOU know it was inevitable you’d hurt me in some way eventually just like everyone who’s loved you .
So what’s the point of this email you ask? Well I have a proposition for you that will garantie your fears won’t happen again of being abandoned or left unloved , and you will be supported,and will be able to get you the help you need if YOU want it for YOU and your boys? Why I’m sure you are asking am I still in touch with you are involved  or want to be? ... .because I’m madly in love with you ,overwhelming in love with you.I always have been since the beginning,during,after the hurt,and right now.You mean so much to me I had to find out what /why you are so emotional and why you push the loved ones away.I couldn’t bare watching the pain you are in , unlike most people even if you hate me My love is not gone for you it’s just as strong as it’s ever been and I’m sorry you have to hear that.

I know once you return from your trip you will hopefully be on an emotional high and you may find this whole email maybe pointless or stupid but please push it in your inbox and wait until your feeling down or sad and reread it... .k ? Please... .I don’t even care if you have met someone or not I want to help you and I think my proposal may indeed be worth your time to hear.I don’t want to email or text it,I want to tell you in person.If you read this and are totally done with me then I’ll have to respect that and there won’t be more and more communication this is it.If you do text or email me then I’ll answer you .Please baby don’t push this away I promise not to hurt you anymore I finally understand what the issue is and I have managed it wrong since the beginning.Unlike other men / friends in your life ... .I didn’t and couldn’t give up until I found and told you what I now know... .everything is up to you now to take it,take what I want /wish to give you,one meeting or breakfast and you will understand.
This isn’t about perception (I frankly don’t care what ppl think of you or want you to be)... .you be who you want I’m not here to change it.Its not about judgement either I don’t care what you’ve done right up to while you are reading this! I don’t care about drugs booze sex or anything else ,I only care about you now and your future (whatever you chose that to be ) living single having fun or married with 5 kids it’s not important to me as long as you are happy doing any of it.This is my extreme love for you speaking and I can’t take what I said back I’d be lying .
In final upon your return from your vacation I hope you read this and it has some interest for you ,you know how to reach me when you want how you want.Take care baby ,I love you so so much it’s overwhelming,even as I said and wrote the stuff last week my heart was bleeding but now I know it was the wrong thing to do.I should have wished you well on your vacation and spoke to you after but everyone makes mistakes what can I say? I love you immensely almost inhumanly... .and I miss you deeply ...


Sent from my iPhone

Obviously I’m not going to send this, because it’s just another opportunity for her not to respond (I’m facing 3 months of silent treatment to date). But I think if I were going to send anything I would be trying to establish some closure with a bit of grace and dignity. That is, if you can have closure when only one side is communicating. So anyhow, here’s my effort at doing that ... .

Dear F

I know we’re not in contact now, but I can’t let you go without at least trying to give you a few words of thanks and appreciation for our time together. I wish I could say these things to you in person, but it seems like an email will have to do.

More than anything in these last few years it felt like a privilege to know you and be part of your life. When times were good it seemed as though we could see into each other’s hearts, and what I saw in yours was good. I gave you more of myself than I ever gave to any friend and I’m still glad I did, even though it doesn’t seem to have been enough in the end.

I can’t say I understand what went wrong, or why you stopped talking to me. I feel like we’ve lost something that we both valued, and I can’t help thinking that we could have sorted out whatever was wrong if only we could have talked again like we once did. Only you know why you couldn’t do that, and I won’t try to guess. You must feel I let you down, even though I don’t know how.

As hard as all that was, I hope we can both remember our time together mainly for what was good and not for how it ended. We did some wonderful things together and I feel like a more complete person for having known you. I was proud to be associated with you, and I did what I could to build you up during the time when we were together.

I won’t try to contact you again because there’s no going back now. I’ll just try to honour our shared memories, and I hope if we do happen to see each other we’ll meet as friends. God bless you.

You left me and I'm a mess. You look so happy and joyful without me now. Are you even thinking of me? Do you even miss me? Do I ever cross your mind? Or are you done with me like you said you were? I bet you're happy with someone else now.

Well, I had written and asked to be removed from the group. Thank goodness they did not remove me.
I have finally removed him from my  Friends on FB page. It made me sick to my stomach, twice today. Why? I know it was a sick relationship so why is it I who is so 'sick'.

Feel like writing to him... .

Dear -----, I finally got the guts to remove you from my Fb page today. I realize this probably doesn't make any difference to you but it has hurt me even more to see your name in messenger, to see you in and out of the pages of FB and be ignored. You were so sweet and charming at first, you drove 1500 miles round trip twice to see me and I flew and drove to be with you. I though the long distance was giving us the time we need to merge our lives which I was doing at YOUR request and encouragement. Did you ever really love me or did I spend 8 months getting attached to you, your family, friends and changing my whole life to live the rest of my life with you? You site all the wrongs I have done. Never accepting responsibility for your ratings at me, lies, and excuses for everything. I am not perfect but I"m not slough and you say dhow much you loved me. I was good to you____! How can a man not care how he treats a woman. I am a good woman. There's nothing more i can say. You've ignore me and I've made a fool of myself trying to reason with you. You always cut off any meaningful conversation. I think now I can begin to heal... .screw you and your cold nasty treatment of me not just at the last but progressively. I will get better. I've never been through anything like this and always a strong woman , you are damn good at your deception and manipulation... .

When our son asks why- what do you say to him?  You tell him how good you are at everything.  You strut around like you have it all figured out, like you are so together after everything has been broken.  You are cool and calm and ready to jab when the mood hits.  This is what you wanted?- how can it be that you somehow seem to have everything under control when suicide seemed like a viable option a couple months ago.  What is this mask for? Who does it serve?  Is it  to make me feel small and wrong and crazy?  That I loved and love you and didn't see it coming, though you had planned it for months- that somehow this rug you pulled out again should not have taken me by surprise- that I should be cool about your impulsive behaviour and let it rule my existence.  I let you see my vulnerability, my truth- so you could claw at it, feast on it- let it fill you up - make you the winner.  You kept me longing for some real connection, some intimacy- for 16 years you dangled it in front of me- promising me something I could never really have.  Your withholding of everything, your push and pull, your false accusations and unwillingness to trust- your cool control. How do you actually see me now- as weak and lost?  I am going through a normal process of grieving after 16 f-ing years of a relationship that gave me so little validation.  It's groundless, and awkward and threatening- figuring out who I am now and who I want to be, untangling it all.  I walk away in pain, but I know how to love.  And I can see who you are, I know you are the one who is scared and lost and alone- I so thought that we could find our way together, so hoped.  You will always be family- but our partnership is over.
   

HEY M,

I don’t expect a response back from you and that’s okay. First off, I want to thank your parents for allowing me in the House even when it was against their liking. I have nothing but respect for them and truly had intentions of being a good son in-law for them if that moment ever came. I want to thank you for all the memories we shared. They may not resonate with you at this time in your life but we truly had beautiful experiences that I could never replace. You may paint me black now and that’s something I understand and have come to terms with in my life. Like always, I am wishing you the best in everything you do in life.

Love Always,
A

P.S take care of our yak

Wow, there's some really beautiful posts in this thread. Goosebumps.

What I don't know is which version of him to write to?
The one I thought he was? The one he has turned out to be? The one he likes to think he is? The person he could be, if he got help?

While this relationship was in one long, painful downward BPD spiral, I kept speaking and writing to who I always thought he was. I was still so confused and in denial, I didn't realise he was someone else. I was talking to thin air.

Once I realised what was going on, I'm now addressing the BPD person - who is a faint shadow of who I thought he really was. We are on Low Contact and when I email him, I do so in the full conscious knowledge that he will not *process* any of what I say, that he will not *hear* me on anything. My words are water off a ducks back and so I don't even bother writing anything deep or meaningful anymore, cos what's the point - it wouldn't register anyway.

If I buy into his loopy version of reality and talk to that version of him, then I'm just enabling the madness.

So who do I address the things I truly have to say to? The person he would be if he got effective therapy and stuck with it til he was better?

I’m thinking of you today my love , I was hoping by now you would have written ,texted me but sadly it seems you flushed me completely.I understand I left you twice  and hurt you twice.Yeah you did things to me that hurt and cheated on me as well.I won’t forgive you for cheating but I will forgive you on the rest because I didn’t know you were sick with BPD .I remember our great times at lac Simon or mont tremblant those nights making love by the fireplace .I miss having you in my arms and I miss you kissing and lying on me to sleep.I miss making you breakfast in the morning and I just miss your presence around me. But I now know a lot of that was not really you although you seemed happy you were doing it for me to love you.You didn’t need to do half those things for me ,you were enough.Im sorry I failed you,I’m sorry I hurt you,and I’m sorry I didn’t understand you. It hurts to know you’ve moved on but I now understand why you did.Je t’aime mon amour pour toujours ,et je m’ennuie de toi tellement.Bye bebe,oublie moi pas au complet svp

This will be may last contact and letter to my BPD friend, it was not a romantic rs, but it was special. I will have a new phone number and she can't reach me again.

XXXXX,

It’s been a year that we met and I’ve been thinking of you a lot, because I like you.
You’re a very intelligent and hospitable woman. It is fun to be with you and to spend time with you. When out of sight it’s just the opposite of that.
During the last couple of months, actually since you’ve contacted me again after half a year of no contact in November, I’ve come to realize, that our connection had much to do with my own history, my childhood, trauma and my mother, who was probably ill too. I stopped any contact with her seven years before she died in 2014.
Our early attachment was based on your own problems and history and mine on my side. You’ve mirrored me and I saw myself, reflected in you. You’ve anticipated my needs and my desires. It took me much refection, thinking and reading, learning about myself and personality disorders.
You’ve filled a gap that was inherent with me when I grew up after my accident, longing for unconditional acceptance, love and deep human contact to women. No other woman ever reacted at me like you did, and that actually made me kind of addicted to that wonderful feeling of full appreciation.
When walking home with you the second time in May, you mentioned your personality problems and identity problems. I feel extremely sorry that I didn’t respond to that back then, it would have made things and our connection much easier and different than what I experienced since. I didn’t have any idea or knowledge of the problems you mentioned. I think at that time we could have talked about it, but that’s history.

I don’t blame you for anything, it’s not your fault to have become ill and having developed the problems you have, your time of growing up under difficult circumstances and whatever happened to you since you’ve come to Holland have caused your problems, and it’s not your fault. I also don’t reject you at all.

There is a great text in English that helped me understand myself and our spontaneous connection, you may or may not want to read this text. This is not offensive, I didn’t write this text, but in fact is has a lot to do with me and with you on the other side. The link is:
https://www.dailystrength.org/group/physical-emotional-abuse/discussion/lonly-child

I do blame you for not responding to me in a way that’s acceptable. Perhaps you’ve felt that this is a burden for you, needing to respond in any way, I hope not. I’ve been expressing my thoughts in all my letters in July last year, my SMS and my last long letter in February this year, to which you said you wanted to respond but actually didn’t. I do know how difficult this might be for you to respond at all. I seriously did not expect to get that response anyway.
Not having responded to my SMS last year and the two day delayed response to my SMS a few weeks ago to which you apologized made me very angry. These are the reasons that I decided that enough is enough. You deliberately didn’t respond sooner as what would be normal behaviour and common sense.

In my text messages in December and my letter in February I clearly expressed in detail when I’ll be in xxxx, both times you didn’t realize the dates or forgot them. Your last SMS said, I should tell you a couple of days ahead when I come to xxxx, well, I did this a few weeks before with a clear date, to make your you can make up your mind - sorry that didn’t work.

For the future, I hope you will have the will and strength to eventually work on your disorders, there are many people, specialists who know a lot about it, as intelligent as you are, I hope it’s only a matter of time for you to do that. Our connection wasn’t about friendship, it was about you (without me) and me (without you), dealing with ourselves instead of dealing with each other with respect on an equal level.

My life is very good, I can’t ask for anything more than what I have. I’m deeply thankful, that I did not develop any personality disorder, but I also know that I’m a very difficult person.
Despite that my family loves me very much and so do I.

Jxxxx, I will not come and visit xxxx in the near future again. If you ever see me in the city or elsewhere by accident, please just ignore me totally. I do not want to refresh or reengage again. Last November I was doing pretty well when you texted me after no contact for a long time. This reengagement was not smart and responding to you was wrong.

I know your birthday is coming up, as is the city run, I think working out and running is extremely important and good for you, but I believe you know that already. Have a great birthday and a successful event before.

This week I got a new cell phone contract along with a new phone number. My old SIM won’t be in service anymore when you receive my letter.

Jxxxx, I wish you well and hope you’ll be more aware of your intense feelings when you meet new people to who you might feel connected to and act with care and caution. I hope that your work contract worked out to the best for you. I know you don’t need my friendship at all. There are many guys and women who will respond to your intense emotions like I did.

Our friendship never had a chance to grow, we’re both to blame for that.

I send you my sincere wishes for everything ahead of you.

XXXX

When you uttered those words that I would never hear from you again. Little did I know you meant it. I took on board the sole blame for things going wrong. It's only now with some distance I realise that you also had a major part in our relationship demise too.

Why you couldn't have spoken to me I do not know. You accused me of not caring about you, but in the next breath, you said you realised I loved you. That was never in question. You said you loved me deeply, but your actions did not reflect this. We had such plans and an exciting journey planned, but then it was dashed and ripped away without warning, for reasons only beknown to you.

I did try since that day to show you we still had great potential, but in the end I had to realise the battle was being lost. Your interest faded away.

What is difficult to bear is going forward knowing we will never see what our child would have been like - would she look like us both? Never knowing what our new house would be. We had such exciting plans and you departing was never on my radar.

Everywhere I go now alone I am forever reminded of what we had. My only solace is knowing I did all I could to try and preserve what we had, but sometimes giving your all is just not enough when the dye is cast. Yes, I am devastated, but not beaten.

I am now starting to see my value once again. You may no longer want us, so if you don't then the question I ask is why should I? Yes I am sad, but I will become an 'us' once again in time. You missed out too!

I love you.
I forgive you.
Forgive me.
Goodbye.

If only you knew how much I love you, how I would give everything in the world to have you in my life again, how many tears I have cried since you left me. I wish you would let me in again, I wish you would talk to me, I wish you would be able to explain your feelings to me.

I want to be there for you. I know you're hurting, I know you're not feeling well. I just wish you would let me take care of you like you've taken care of me when I wasn't feeling well.

I wish you could explain to me why you cheated. I wish you would say that it was a one time thing, that it didn't mean anything, that you still loved me. But no, you denied it. Do you realise how much that hurts? Do you realise how absolutely worthless that makes me feel? That I apparently mean so little to you? How is it that you just don't seem to care at all? That you can just say it didn't happen when you know perfectly well it did. I remember that weekend like it was yesterday, how sweet you were, how much we saw eachother. You messaged me when you got home from that party, saying you loved me, the next day you came to cheer me on at my rowing competition. My parents said to me that you clearly loved me, from the way you looked at me. The next weekend we went to a festival. The weekend after that to your parents. I just don't understand how I didn't notice, how you could act like nothing ever happened. How nobody saw or told me. I just don't know how to let go. I keep seeing you with her. It hurts so much.

Dearest, I failed you. I failed us. All the things you told me I was, all the things you accused me of, they're probably true. Because you know me better than anyone.

I don't know how I'll ever get over this. My confidence has been reduced to subzero. All I can think about is you. All I really want to do is cry and cry and cry. I'm trying to stay strong, for the sake of my family and friends. I'm trying to live my life like I normally would. But it's just impossible to be happy without you by my side. The idea that you have already found another who makes you happy hurts so much. I wish I would have been the one for you. But I'm not. Someone else will win the jackpot, will have you by her side all her life. Will have your love to support and guide her.

I will never forget you or forget us. I forgive all the things you said or did to me.

Inko51, thank you for sharing your thoughts with us.  It's heartening to see you finding strength and noting your own worth.  The person who is with us every moment of our lives is ourselves and it's so important that we put effort into that relationship.  You deserve your own love and care.   

I miss your beautiful laugh, your soft smile, your cute little walk. I miss all of you. I love you. Forever, and always.

I know I said we shouldn't be contacting eachother anymore but its been hard seeing the last message sent from you. It doesn't feel right to cold shoulder you. But it also doesn't feel right to keep things how they had been going. As long as I kept communicating with you, a part of me always held on that someday we would be back together again. So I don't want you to believe that I'm ignoring you because I hate you, or that you were a mistake in my life that I'm trying to forget. I'm always going to miss you too.

Dear, The Girl That Last An Impact on me

I can never forget the first day I met you. I remember seeing you and instantly clicking. It was a very special moment for me. Everything has an ending and so did our story. I don’t blame you at all what you did, because blaming you leaves me with the idea that you changed me for the worse and I am sorry but I can’t give that power to anyone. I want to remember all the good things about you, because thats the kind of person I always was and will always be. I was the one that wasn’t ready for commitment and as much as you want to, you can’t blame me for that indirectly. As for fighting for you, I never knew when you care about someone the only way to show it is to compete and fight. You made your decision, when you asked me if “you should say yes and get married.” I don’t expect you to understand, but I wasn’t someone to lead you on, I didn’t want you to wait around and get annoyed everytime, I said the same thing over and over. The guy your marrying, he’s older and he’s more secured in his career and I hope that he can give you everything I couldn’t give you. I always wanted what was best for you, but you were the one making all the decisions, when you wanted to end it, when it was convinent for you to see me and call me, I did everything based on your schedule but it was never enough. You always make impulsive decisions and i hope that this marriage was not another one of those decisions. You want to be friends with me, but I know a “friend” would not rub the details of their wedding to their ex knowing he doesnt want to listen to it but he’s trying to maintain his composure. You were right, in a couple of years I’ll understand why it didn’t work, but it only took me a month to realize that, there’s a reason some people don’t make it to our future. It’s like they say we can forget what people say but we cant forget how they made us feel. I never categorized you as a BPD or any label for that matter because the label doesn’t define you and nor will it help you. I hope that someday, you can be healthier and you understand that the whole world is not black and white, there are imperfections. I thought I could change you, I thought we could meet somewhere in the middle but, balance was never your best talent. I hope marriage is the prayer to all your problems. I don’t have you blocked, but I don’t want to see you on my social media because the same way you have object permanency issues, I am not a doormat you can throw up on, and expect to clean up the mess. You were right, I do deserve better,  but you didn’t deserve me and it’s time to close the curtains, because like they say if we dont know our self worth who will.

Take care,

Struggler123

If I could... .  If it wouldn't do more harm than good... .If it wouldn't be adding fuel to a fire I had to extinguish... .  If there was any real hope... .  If... .So many ifs.

My message to her might be this.

You are a beautiful person, you need to learn this.  You need to accept the wonder that is you  --the only way, your only hope is to get help. 

Embrace therapy or your life will end as it began --in pain, abandonment and tragedy.

But this is theoretical and frankly painful to even consider.


Wicker Man

I have really only had one bad ex and no desire to write a letter to him. What I would like to do is write letters to many of my past exes who were wonderful men who I did not appreciate or deserve. My parents had a strange marriage. My father was happily married to mom and treated her well despite all her bad behaviors. Mom had no end of complaints about dad and said she wanted to divorce him, all behind his back. I realize for many years I was very selfish and expected to be treated like a Queen by my boyfriends, and they deserved better. I am now learning more about giving and taking in relationships, so thank you guys for being so caring and treating me with kindness, even though I did not appreciate you. I hope you guys are all happily married to wonderful women, and I wish you nothing but the best in life.

Hey,

Have you already forgotten me? I really thought you'd message me again around this time, since yesterday was the concert you asked me to go to. I checked your account and saw that you were listening to music around the time of the concert, which means you didn't go. Did you spend the evening with someone else? Did you meet someone last week who is good enough for you? Is that why you have written me off completely now? It hurts. It just hurts to know that everything is so much easier for you. The letting go. The moving on. I just can't cope. After finding out you cheated on me and lied about it, I just needed some sign from you to know that I did actually mean something to you. But I got none. Was it all a game to you? If only you knew how much I'm hurting.

To the woman that will forever hold my heart
I am sorry I was not strong enough to hold our family up. I still sit here thinking about our last day together at home, how i would ask you if you’d miss me when I was gone and how your beautiful face would turn and reply with such emotion and say of course I will. I wish you did, two weeks later you told me that you don’t even think of me, you’ve moved on from our 8 years of family and love so quickly, so coldly. You devestated me to the point where I could not live with myself any longer. You brought my insecuries to life by bringing him into your life instantly after I had left, the guy who was nothing to worry about suddenly became everything you thought about while you pushed me to the curb to die. I became Horribly suicidal, lost 70 pounds in a month and went days with no sleep, I couldn’t bare to tell you what you had caused because I know deep down you no longer care. When I called you for help because I couldn’t hold on you told me to leave you alone  that you no longer wanted to hear me cry. If I had known he things I’ve knowing now maybe I wouldn’t have scooped to rock bottom. I wanted to hate you, I wanted to resent every ounce of your cold heart for what you did to me after all I’ve done for you. But I know you’re not okay and I can’t even bare the thought of hating you my love, as the last eight years for me we’rent perfect but they were with the woman of my dreams. I love you, and I forgive you for everything as I hope you could forgive me one day. You’ll never be capable of understanding what you mean to me and why I couldn’t just throw you away as you did with me but I’m strong now and I’m going to be here for our son and if the day ever came that you decide to come home I’ll be here with open arms.

Well love, it seems after much thought and reflection it’s seems we just aren’t capatable.Regardless of how much I love you ,it just isn’t gonna change anything of the inevitable outcome.Even with your illness the crazyness is I still love you ,you little brat .For 5 + years I’ve had the privilege of knowing you,the good ,the bad,the tender,the wicked.All of those elegant in their own way .You also got to see the sides of me that were not so happy and shawn like.

God I remember that evening on one of our dates when you were so figgity and shy in front of me not knowing to kiss me or not even after we’ve known each other for so long .We had some great times didn’t we,and deep down at those times in your eyes I could see you loved me and chose me to be yours forever ( or for what you thought was forever)... .unfortunately that dark evil illness blanketed that burning white soul and the depressing and angry ,anxious and sad came  seeping through.I tried to understand,I tried to fix it,I even fooled myself to try and conquer it... .but sadly it took you from me .At first it pained me to lose that fight,it pained me to feel stupid ,but after further education what pained me the most? Losing you ... .and still loving you even now... .that pain is unreplicatable and can’t be extinguished by any other stimulus .In a way I kinda got a taste of what you live with everyday ,the torment and darkness is unmatched by any bad day,bad week,bad year etc .

If I was given three wishes for myself or just one for someone else ... .I’d wish you to be well,even knowing there maybe a very good chance you’d never of picked me being well and normal.It may sound tacky and BS. But it’s the truth.You know I have money ,you know I have health,but you,you were something much more precious to me than any of those things .Boy am I gonna miss you baby, you know I even sold my Acura just because I couldn’t drive it anymore I’d always thing of the good times and places we went to in their.Especially that winter storm we got lost and you were trying to navigate us back to the chalet  LOL  god your a special woman you know that.What ever man gets to keep you my hats off to him for being so lucky.

So many so many good times , so many long drives ,walks ,talks , never matched by anyone I’ve had,and the fear it may never happen again.I know you said to me once “I got like 1500 pictures in my phone”.I know ours are but a small percentage of those ,and you have many more of the other men you’ve had.All I can say is I hope one day you won’t have to live by your digital memory anymore and instead live with the privilege of walking up to your good times partner and hug and kiss them whenever you wish... .(trust me when I say it’s a much better feeling).

Goodbye baby ,
Love you always Shawn.

I am relieved to find this thread. I very much want to contact my ex but I know it would end in agony. Our relationship lasted eight months. In retrospect, everything about him was BPD. He confided in me that saw a therapist to work on his history of failed relationships and his fear of abandonment, but BPD never came up. We fell in love hard and fast (more so than anything i'd experienced before) and by the third month he wanted to buy a house together. We made life plans. It was crazy and fantastic. He showered me with love and care and passion - then he started to get jealous, very needy, and moody. Then there were outbursts of anger (though mostly not directed at me.) He cried a lot. I still didn't know about BPD, and, if I had, I would have done things differently. Instead, I told him I needed a break. I still loved him, wasn't ending the relationship, but instead needed some distance to think about my own abandonment fears (I was adopted) and the speed at which we were moving, and my job pressures, which were huge. Four weeks later I came back to him, told him I loved him and talked about what had been happening for me and what I though I learned from it about both of us. He was furious (fair enough) and cold and said he no longer loved me. Said there was no second chance, he couldn't risk another breakdown and hence as a survival mechanism he had irreversibly detached from me. I now feel like the break I took (which was TOTALLY unlike me in relationship, completely unprecedented) was a fantastic mistake -- a hard thing to ask of any partner but fatal when your partner is BPD. Somewhere inside me there is a rational voice that says I am well out of it, and might even have pulled back out of a sub conscious survival mechanism. But oh my god am I in agony. Being in love with him was like crack cocaine. I am plagued by obsessive thoughts that are stronger than all my techniques for defusing them (meditation, yoga, exercise, socializing, burying myself in my work). I think it's as bad as it is for three other reasons (in addition to abrupt removal from a BPD romantic rollercoaster ride): one, he is already with someone else, a woman I actually met at the last party we attended together (!); two, I am prone to pining anyway; I don't give up easily; always forgive and try to understand - it's partly an adopted thing; I'll do anything to bring the loved one back; and three; he is like a alien from another planet. I don't recognize him when we talk (last time, two weeks ago). He is cold, distant, self-absorbed, implacable. This is hell. I am trying to accept that the man I was in love with was a phantom, or maybe just one facet of a strangely divided psyche. I can see that many of the stories here are similar.

I am afraid I am at the point where I would just say to my ex:

Please come back, please come back, please come back. We both said that what we had was so rare; isn’t it worth fighting for? We were so happy this time last year. Please come back.

I’ve tried saying slightly less pathetic versions of this to him. He says there’s no going back. I can’t believe that this man who said and acted like he was so over-the-top in love with me could just turn the lights off on his feelings so quickly. Bam!

A Brad Pitt movie I watched since our last breakup, there was a line in it where he was talking about his romantic relationship with one of the characters, and he said that it had run its course. So maybe that's what's happened with us, we have run our course, we have evolved us as far as we can go.

I know that you will find a way to have a wonderful life without me.

Goodbye

Dear Ex

You flipped my life and turned it upside down. Id like to take a minute to while you sit right there reading this. To tell you how this all happened. I met you in a playground in west Philadelphia. We chilled together and played some basket ball outside the school. Some guys started making trouble that day and I protected you. You never appreciated this even though my parents sent me to live with my aunt and uncle because they were scared I was getting into trouble.

You refused to come with me and I had to get a taxi all the way there. It took hours and I didnt get there until 7 or 8. That taxi ride was horrible as you wasnt with me and the car stank. When he dropped me off I turned to him and said "yo homes smell you later". You would have laughed.

I have lived with my aunt and uncle for a while now and still you have refused to come and see me and you wont let me visit you.

I hope one day we can be together again.

I love you.

Hi dear,

I really don't understand the way your mind works. How do you think it's okay to expect me to return to you every single time, after the way you've treated me? Every time you let me go so easily. And every time, after a few weeks or a few months, you come back. Saying you missed me and want to be with me. Then, when I finally give in to you and we start seeing eachother again, you lose interest again. You don't message me for entire days. You don't have time to meet up. You become distant. You don't seem interested in anything I tell you. You'd prefer for me to just be there to have sex with and fall asleep next to me, I think. Then at some point, you end it again. You say you're head is too fulll. You're study is taking too much of your time and energy. You say you're not doing well. You can't be in a relationship now. Then I don't hear from you for a few weeks or a few months and the cycle continues.

I am done with that cycle now dear. I won't bring myself down like that anymore. I can't descripbe to you how the past 6 months have broken me down, have reduced my confidence to nothing. You have hurt me time and time again. I have shed so many tears because of you. And you don't seem to care at all. You only care when it's convenient to you. I found out you cheated on me. That you kissed another when we we're still together. You deny it. You even bring it up again and then you deny it again.

You told me the longest period you didn't date a girl since you were 16 was two weeks. And now you expect me to believe that you haven't been with anyone but me since january? Are you kidding me? I am not stupid. Why do you have to lie about that? It's not like we were together. You probably just think the chances of me coming back to you are bigger when you seem to have a really hard time and are not over me and can't be with anyone else yet. But it's not going to happen anymore.

You contradict yourself in everything you say. In the conversations we had this week, you say you just want to be with me now and that it's not just about sex for you. But on the other hand when I offer to go for a walk you say 'but then we'll probably jump in the bushes together' and when I offer to go for coffee you don't seem interested. So it seems like sex is pretty much the only thing on your mind. Also the fact that you just want to see me 'now'. Nothing about wanting to get back together, just something temporarily. Just one night with a bottle of wine and a cuddle session in bed, as you told me. It hurts me so much to hear that's all you need me for now. Is that what I have turned into to you? Don't you care anymore about my feelings and what that would do to me? I have tried so many times to explain to you why that wouldn't be good for me, but all you say is that I'm being difficult and too complex. That you don't understand why I'm not there for you when you need me so much. That that's what we promised to eachother (I don't remember any such promises).

We both know it won't work between us anymore. We keep going in the same circle. You don't want me like that anymore.  I think you don't love me anymore. And I do not trust you anymore. I know you cheated on me, yet you still deny it. You went to find refuge in dating apps and random girls before you talked to me about how you weren't doing well. You have cheated on and deceived all your past girlfriends. You have lied so much to me about your past love life. And I always felt like I was living in her shadow. The ex who is supposedly your soulmate. The one you'll never get over. But also the one you most probably cheated on for over half a year with another ex.

Please let me go dear. Please let us go. Please let us move on. I hope we can be friends in the future, but we both have to realise that what we had is gone. I wish I could make you see what you did to me. I wish I could make you realise that what you're asking of me now is ridiculous. But I know that's not possible.

The more I get involved with you the more I feel like I don't know who you are. What gets replayed to the death is your behavior which is the same ol' boring bullsh*t--lies, manipulation, cheating, acting. Let me vent about your ability to act. I used to think that it's surprising that you didn't become a lawyer considering your ability to believe in any lie you tell yourself, but now I think it's a pity you didn't become an actor. I say pity because perhaps then you could have channeled your borderline skills toward a job isolated in a manufactured setting where it is understood that you are merely playing a part. But instead this is real life you are in with real people and real feelings and you continue to hurt people by being yourself. How sad is that? You lack the ability to understand how my life has been negatively impacted by your actions, inactions... .the list goes on. I have never felt so angry to the point where I have wanted to jump off your balcony to end the misery you make me feel. When you have shoved, pushed, pulled, slammed my body I knew you were being kind--I'm sure with time I would literally become your punching bag and end up fighting for my life. I have never before had to sit in a doctor's office crying about my regrets for being patient, empathetic, and understanding. I wasted all my love and good energy on you. I am not at that point yet where I can wish you well and/or thank you for challenging me to confirm how strong I am. Instead, I feel beaten down, weak, and afraid to love again while you feel empowered, omnipotent, and excited to destroy once more. I'll play dead. Enjoy the rest of your show a**hole.

honey,
 i so wish you hadn't done this, hadn't left me. because of the difference in our ages, you were part husband/part son. as the years unfolded (and can you believe it was 11 years with a 10 year marriage. not a bad run) you became much more a son to me. the sex dried up, and i kicked it into top gear trying to take care of you. like you'd asked.
  but it wasn't enough. or maybe it wasn't what you wanted, after all.
  i loved you. i wonder if you know that. i don't think your family knows i loved you. i really don't. i suspect they can't imagine why anyone would or could love you. your own mother, the day before we married, asked if i was sure i wanted "to do this." she said i seemed like a nice woman, did i know what i was getting myself into?
  maybe not. maybe i didn't know, baby. god, i miss you. i miss the man i thought you were, the man i thought you'd be with me. do you remember when i first met you face-to-face? we were lying in bed, and i told you the day i died i wanted to be staring into your eyes. your eyes made me feel safe, made me feel loved, cherished.
  and then... .then, as the months turned into years, your illness kicked in, or maybe you relaxed and thought you could be more "yourself," and all the while you behaved so abominably, i kept seeing your core, your potential. i kept insisting to myself that if you were well, you wouldn't act the way you were acting: you wouldn't announce on facebook you were sexually attracted to your mother and sister.
  i spent so much time, too much time, putting out fires, trying to ease the ill will you'd generated with your family with the landscaper, the housekeeper, your caregiver. i put out fires. again and again and again.
  and remember when i filed for divorce? i was so naive. i thought it'd be easy. i thought my prenup protected me, and so i just told my lawyer then that i wanted the prenup and half our business.
  and nothing is easy. and for you because not only are you mentally ill--and god knows what your final diagnosis will be--you're rich and your family is ruthless. they went after me back then, and i understood. because i have such maternal feelings for you, i've always wanted to protect you. (you know, baby, i so wanted to protect you that even when i found a video you'd shot back in december of a woman you were "madly in love with" a woman who was your "soulmate" just as i had one time been your soulmate, when i saw that video and i heard her call your new apartment a sh**hole, i felt angry at her. I got my back up. ":)on't say that to him," i wanted to scream. How effed up is that? That I'm angry at the woman you're sleeping with because she insulted you?)
  But back when i first filed for divorce, i understood your father. he saw me as someone who was hurting his son, he wanted to hurt me back. i got it. this time around, i don't get it. i tried everything i could with you, to help, but... .
  you had a psychiatrist who wanted me to be okay with your traveling and not telling me where you were. she wanted me to be okay with your just sending me a text every 24 hours, saying "safe." I never use the 'c' word when describing a woman. i use it with her.
  i asked her if she'd be okay if her husband went traveling alone without telling her where he was going and then every 24 hours said he was "safe."
  and she diagnosed you with schizophrenia. what kind of psychiatrist thinks that it's okay for a patient with schizophrenia not to let people know where he is? a psychiatrist who's having sex with the client, i guess.
  when all this is over, meaning the divorce, i am reporting her. she harmed you, baby, and she harmed me. she is a danger, and she needs to be reported.
   and i asked your dad to help. i told him that you thought i was stealing from you, just as you always thought your dad was stealing from you. i told him. again and again and again. i told him, divide the money differently so your son doesn't see the money. i asked your dad to give me my own money, take it out of the prenup, i told him. wow. what an idiot i was, eh?
  it would have cost your dad so little to change how the money was allocated. so little to address that delusion/that paranoia you've always had that people were stealing your money.
  i know you were difficult. impossible, at times, and still i loved you. i still love you. you asked when we got married to promise that i'd love you unconditionally, and i promised. and i kept that promise. the thing about unconditional love, honey, is that's the kind of love a parent has for a child.
  and now that child--you--is gone from my life. i worry about you. i worry if there's anyone in your life who understands you the way i did. honey, i knew you were shame-based. i knew you didn't feel good about yourself that you'd been made fun of when you were a kid. i knew you didn't have social skills. i was willing to be that for you. all you had to do was learn to be kind, to be respectful, to try to get better.
  i knew there'd be slip-ups, but i also know you didn't try. no. you wanted a pill that would make you feel better, that would teach you how to have a relationship, and i kept telling you, from experience, that there was no way around any of what confronted you but through it. you had to go through it. you had to live it, experience it, and relearn how to be in the world.
  i'm a teacher. you once told me that's what you loved about me. yeah?
  really? from where i sit today, honey, i look at everything you ever told me and now think what you said was not necessarily a lie but more a design, a calculation, intended to get an effect, a certain kind of response.
  as i've told other people, as far as i can tell, i am the only one involved in this dram who benefits from this divorce. you don't benefit. studies are fairly consistent: people with severe mental illness do better with familial support; you no longer have that. your family doesn't benefit because eventually you will probably need long-term care, which means your father will need to step in at some level. he does love you, but loving you is hard, and emotionally i don't think your father's up to it. he feels guilty, and he, like you, wants an easy fix, not necessarily quick, but a fix that is neat, tidy, doesn't require emotional regurgitation. he won't get that.
  me? i've always been strong. i'll get by. and, baby, i don't regret being with you. you taught me my worth. i don't mean my financial worth although that's included. no, you taught me what i want and deserve from any man who's going to be in my life.
  i want the intensity you brought to our relationship. i want the laughter you brought to sex. i want the romantic touches--the book you put together of all the emails we'd written one another.
  i used to be so so angry, and now, honey, now i'm sad. i'm grieving. you're gone. for good. my life has changed regardless of how i didn't want it to change. I'm just sad, just so effin' sad.
TMD

Thank you so much for not contacting me in any way on our anniversary. I feel relief and freedom!

To the Warlock,
I have often thought of what to say to you in a letter. It would not be a long, complex letter because you would get lost in all of the words. It could not be too short because then you would not get the essence of how I perceive you at this moment. So I guess something in the middle may work, although long, medium, or short you will read what you want into it and of course become enraged that I would challenge you in any way. 

My last letter to you when the 3rd break came was very short. Essentially it said that it "was over and let's  leave it there". I had had enough of the emails and texts about how we tried but it did not work but you also wanted to know when you would see me again. You were doing the "I don't want you, I want you"  yo-yo thing, again, something that seemed to happen every 4 months when things were going good.  The first time you did this I was stunned, the second time it was not a surprise, just disappointed that it had happened so soon and knowing that this break-up would be the last for me. I had had enough, and in such a short time  that I had known you. I often think what a relationship over time would have been like with you.

But you know Warlock, I have to also tell you this. You may not have figured this out but I was already on to you and the distortions you had been telling me and the deceits -- all part of your repertoire. I observed the way you would respond to things, particularly when you spoke about your wife. And the day I mentioned that I had seen her website and that she appeared to be an accomplished potter and that I was interested in emailing her about her porcelain pieces, your face twisted up and then you blurted out that you might as well tell me. You related a scrambled story that implied domestic violence, arrest by the cops, and sending you to the hospital for observation. Big red flag. 

Then your stroke and how your wife left you after 28 years of marriage. Judging from the little I have seen of you, I am not surprised that she refused to take care of you after the suffering she must have experienced in her marriage to you -- if you were really married for that long. 

The impotency thing, do you remember that?  Not telling me about it until I was so in love with you and had great expectations of the great sex that can come from 2 people in love. Now I see why you avoided sex for months claiming that you wanted to just hold me and bond.  Then the sex toys you wanted me to try after I realized that you were impotent. That did not work with me either. Then the story about how you had ordered viagra but it was a scam, so no viagra.  Then there was the story about how you never did anything about the impotence issue when you tried sex for the first time after your stroke. You said the girl wasn't worth it. Another red flag.

Then the story about your wife being a jealous woman and how she did not like you having a young woman as a friend. I could see how this could happen with your roving eye. Yet, you repeated so many times to me how you were a "one woman man", too many times for it to be re-assuring. The clincher was to prove me quite insightful. 

Then the clincher, the self-sabotage you did so well. I watched you dig yourself into a hole trying to explain your way out of a comment you made that was supposed to compliment me. How you "no longer had to go to Walmart and strike up friendships with women that could put our relationship in jeopardy". I asked you twice if you had been doing this while we were seeing each other, silence both times, although you did say I was opening a can of worms. Instead you became rude and angry saying that I had insulted your integrity. Bingo!

After that I had nothing more to say, it was over for me that very moment, I could never trust you again. You kept sending me emails and texting for about 2 months asking when you would see me. Did you really think I would fall for that again?

I hope you find what you are looking for at Walmart.  I know you will never find someone like me, educated, beautiful, intelligent, and financially independent, someone who loved you with your many stroke-related disabilities. Someone who thought you beautiful and desirable, and loved you sincerely.

Go for it at Walmart, there is such a range of women choices there. But before you go shopping I hope you kick yourself for having lost someone like me. 

Long letter? Got lost in the words? Angry? I really don't care.

Adios.

Dear S

You have no idea how much damage you have caused me over these past 6 months. How deep you buried that knife into my heart by leaving me. You always told me that if we were to ever break up, I would be better off than you would be. That I'd find someone else much easier than you. You said that I would be the one to leave out of the two of us, that I would be the one to cause all the damage. But look at us now, I'm still standing here where you left me, my heart bleeding out of my chest for you. You said that we would be together forever, that you would hold onto me tightly, that we would be able to get through anything together. But here we are, you walking away from me and finding someone else in the blink of an eye. 6 months on and you've already gone through one guy and you're onto the next. 6 months on and you've lost your best friend. 6 months on and you've pushed away everyone that actually cared about you and you're now seeking those relationships you've lost, with others that left you. You became everything you said I would become, you became everything you said you wouldn't be.

All this time you've projected all of your fears, insecurities and sadness onto others, because when the time comes that those around you, are gone, it's easier to blame us than to look at yourself and see the real problem. Deep down you know that it is you that is the problem, because why else would you say I see you as a monster. Why else would you say you blame me for making you doubt who you are and see yourself as the monster. Why else would you always tell me I made you the villain and myself the victim. I admit there was a time where I struggled to deal with my emotions, but at no time did I intentionally make you the villain. Even though my anxiety at those times disallowed me from saying it, but I think all this time I knew that your reactions to my mistakes were over the top. You knew as well that you overreacted to my acts of thoughtlessness, selfishness and inconsideration. It was like you punished me for a $50 crime when it was only $5 or $10. All this hate for me, all this anger at expressing how I feel is really you seeing me hold a mirror for you. Seeing your reflection scares the crud out of you, because you know that this is what we see. You aren't a monster my dear, you have a monster within you. I don't hate you, I just want you to get the help that you need. We all live with monsters, it's up to us to deal with them the best we can.

I know last year was hard and I know I made a lot of mistakes. That I wasn't there for you when you needed me, that I had been thoughtless and careless. I take responsibility for my own actions and for my part in our failed relationship, but I don't think you take responsibility for your part in it. You don't see or you choose not to see, how you were also responsible for our downfall. I know that what you went through was incredibly difficult and I'm proud of you for how you handled it. I'm so proud of you for coming through such a crazy and terrifying ordeal the way you did. But how can you expect me to always be there when we live worlds away. When we have +15 hours time difference. When I need to finish my studies and keep working to be able to have a life. I was incredibly stressed, alone and under a lot of pressure from all sides. My biggest fear last year was that you would call me on skype and tell me that the doctor has just informed you that you have terminal cancer. That plagued my mind constantly, every minute of every day and I couldn't cope.
There is no doubt in my mind if I was on medication, things would have been much better, that I wouldn't have felt like I was constantly drowning. But you need to understand is that I'm not responsible for your own wellbeing or happiness. We as individuals are responsible for our own wellbeing and happiness.
You know if we lived in the same city or the same country, I would have been by your side more. I would have been to every important appointment, been there to take you home from the hospital, to cheer you up when you were struggling. I would have cooked for you, read you stories, did everything in my power to help and look after you.

You knew all of this so why do you say now that I only pretended to love you. That I only showed you my love through monetary gifts. That I'm the selfish one that always plays the victim. I know that with my anxiety disorder, I probably would have struggled to make some changes. But you leaving me tells me you weren't willing enough to try. That you didn't love me enough to work on our relationship.

In the end you always said you loved me more, because you were the one willing to move from one side of the world to my side. You said you loved me more, because you made sacrifices for me, made so many compromises. You said you loved me more because you were always there when I needed you. In the end you leaving told me that I loved you more all along

You called me today. I answered the phone. It was so hard to hear your voice. I know the things you're going through are very difficult for you, and I'm so sorry for that. I'm glad to hear you're in regular therapy, and hope you continue. But hearing your voice brings up all those feelings I was trying to get past. I miss you. I miss you like my left arm. I still have my right arm, so I can still do everything I need to do, go to work, drive, function in my daily life. But a big part of me is missing. I'm off balance, everything is awkward. Nothing feels right. Not being with you is affecting everything. I suddenly feel so depressed again. I thought I was doing pretty well, going to work, exercising, spending time with friends and family, seeing my counselor. But then I hear your voice and my feelings well up and my mood plummets.
And I try to remind myself of all the lies you've told, all the ways you hurt me, destroyed my self esteem, broke my heart, shut me out. How I narrowed my world until you were all I focused on, trying to keep you happy, walking on eggshells around you so I wouldn't set you off... .And how I let it affect me, drinking to numb my own pain, isolating myself so I wouldn't have to tell lies to my friends and family... .
In the end, our intense, passionate, intimate connection wasn't worth it. The intense highs weren't worth the devastating lows. That's what I have to remember. The pain wasn't worth the love. For a long time, I thought it was. But everyone has their breaking point. And I had mine.

 Just found this in my drafts folder. Apparently I wrote it 2.5 years ago. Huh. I was pretty smart back then.


I can never apologize enough for being a source of emotional pain to you. I mean that. You loved me and had a reasonable need: for me to be with you. I couldn't, back then. There were reasons I couldn't, but those are no longer of any relevance. I just hope you know that not loving you was not one of them. I loved you deeply, and I lost you. That's my pain, what I live with. Well, that's part of it. And the pain you lived with clearly had to do with much more than not getting me, since after all you could have had me in the end.

I don't know if the person I met after you'd gotten together with someone else was the real you all along--if you'd been hiding him from me, or if you invented him later. It doesn't matter. That person was cruel and sarcastic and hateful to me, was indifferent to or refused acknowledge the crisis I was experiencing (losing everything, all at once, yet trying to be a good sport). Then he decided to act like I didn't exist. I didn't deserve to be treated like that. No one does.

I'm sorry for hurting you, and I wish it had turned out differently, but at least I can hold my head up and say I never treated you with malice. I don't know what story you've told yourself, but don't ever believe you acted with honor in this. I don't want the person you are now. I'm only mourning the person you were--or who I thought you were. Me? I'm always the same person. I have my values and my opinions and attributes, my core self. You don't even have that.

I miss that other guy (who may never have existed), and I hope he knew he was loved.

I removed a tiny part and would have to change the gender in your  mail, but now this could basically be something I could write.

Every now and then I would like to discuss the absurdity of the situation. But I think every sign of life from my side would be used to her advantage. I would fit the stalker role in her story perfectly.

Hi [... .],


You know... .I would never send you anything like this in real life, but on these boards I can.
These past events were just too much. I even posted a lot about it right here: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=325428.0

You have really gone too far this time and you have hurt me enormously. I just do not understand why though... .

Let me ask you this one question: when I asked professionals (some of them knew you quite well) for advice more than a year ago, they all clearly indicated that you most probably caught feelings for me. And those feelings scared you. For months I just could NOT believe them and just focussed on what I could possibly have done wrong.

But my actions don't even seem to matter here... .do they? You continue to tell your friends and family half-truths and even complete lies to fabricate stories in which you are some kind of victim.
You know... .one of the professionals I mentioned foretold this would happen. From the moment you started to behave this way more than a year ago, there was just no way back. You would lose face. So the only way forward would be to keep these fabrications coming and blame me. Oh my... .was she right... .

In a way your behaviour seems to hurt you as well. At times you seem to be sorry. You even behave like nothing ever happened. And just look at these past events: I don't know what you told your family, but they clearly indicated that all this messed you up.

So back to my question and please give me an honest answer here: did/do you really have feelings for me?

If so? Why would you be influenced to such an extent, that you are hurting someone you care about? In the end you are responsible for your own actions here!

If not? Please explain to me what the hell is going on then?

Another attempt. Very different and something I could actually imagine to send:


Hi [... .],


So I've learned you sent your [family member] after me and I heard rumours about these past events at work.

Why would you do this? I really do not understand.

I was the one who got blocked, I was the one who got called all these terrible things by your friends. I was the one who remained calm. You, even under pressure of your friends, refused to say you wanted to cut off contact. Afterwards during our talk, your boyfriend even concluded that you did indeed want to remain in touch and he was fine with it. You guys even suggested to have a drink in the near future. You even oddly suggested during our talk that you thought it was important that I still like you.

Later that night you unblocked me. Without any text from my part, you even sent me an apology text the next night. And you said that you told your friends all those accusations just simply were not true. I just replied I was hurt and that I had to reflect on all of this and later asked you if you also told your friend/employee who left early that night.

There was no communication after that. So why would you suddenly block me again 4 or 5 days after this last text? Why would you even sent your [family member]? What have you told him/her?

What's happening here?

I don't know... .the urge is still there.

To answer your 2nd question: I desperately try not to send anything. But I just think it is really hard. I would never in my life remotely consider to send something like the first one, but I would like to send something like the second one. However, I would need to rewrite that to an extremely watered down version to avoid her dysregulating. And even then, she could still dysregulate.

Her behaviour must have shown me that she has become totally unreliable. Seemingly prepared to do anything to keep her 'truth' intact. So it would be totally stupid to send her anything. Maybe she can't do a lot from a legal point of view, but there are more ways to destroy a person. And through her family member and the rumours she is giving a clear signal: she can.

I just need to truly believe what I have written here. Her behaviour confused and still confuses me enormously and I tend to try and excuse her behaviour. I should not do this! I must learn to see this behaviour for what it is: betrayal. Maybe there are underlying reasons, but it still is betrayal.

All those up and down emotions all that processing, geez. Its nice to start to find an element of recapturing some normalacy again.

Havent heard from her for a good 2 weeks now, without any reason not to beyond not keeping the conversation flowing.

My thoughts on it? A healthy feeling of indifference, it was 'nice' to talk again and up until the sim card change, it has been pleasant, sweet and kind words. I think its nice to end things on that good note where communication is a two way street, ive made next to no effort to want more than I have already given and I feel happy to have at least shown to myself if not her in the process, that im able to hold on to emotionally strong backed impulsivity. Thanks to those who helped me to set a different tempo and reflect more on things, I start now to see the benefit it has had.

This had to become more than just a choice to go NC again, I wanted it to get to the stage where its done not out of "needing space" to get my thoughts, its a NC of wanting to move on in my life and closure to a relationship I have no personal interest in returning to, in any capacity. I struggled a bit with "radical acceptance" because for me, it feels disempowering, that id have to accept as it is, without the power to do anything about it. Ive came to a different conclusion and probably interpreted it even in the wrong way, my not choosing to be involved, my realisation that I already tried my best and went to the limit of what I felt justified within myself to go to, eventually hit a point where regardless of everything else, "enough is enough" Cromwell.

radical acceptance is accepting my own limitations, and it would be tempting to think that just because ive healed so far, got stronger, that I wouldnt neglect to accept the situation that my choices before got me into. Overall, I have had to accept that I want to live my life differently than I have done, and that has meant centering it onto my own needs - which had to evolve more from my need to fulfill someone elses needs.  just as I was always there for my ex, I never felt truly that she could be there for me and I dont blame her for that, I accept it. This relationship has became more than just a learning experience, it has developed into nothing short of reaching an epiphany. My life and perspective has changed profoundly.

I wanted to share with you all this turning point ive reached, most of all thank you all for your support, guidance and above all the comfort of knowing that I didnt need to go through this journey alone.

Lastly, id like to thank my ex for her whirlwind entry, whirlwind movement through these years, she brought out the best, she at times brought out the worst, there was little of moderation in between and as I have found a way to forgive, a big part that has been neglected in my 500+ posts, I hope she has ever found forgiveness for me, I havent been an angel, ive done some hurtful things, Ive done some emotionally driven ignorant things which I apologise for, dont airbrush over. I want to move forward though and become a better person myself, listen to my internal compass more and detaching not being about carrying resentment or bitterness, but realising that something inside tells me that this is the proper way, the right way and I can only hope you find your own peace, happiness and fulfillment that you deserve. I loved you very much and this is detachment, not abandonment, is doing the best thing I believe in that is right for both of us. Its come to feel like the hardest decision ive ever had to make and I pray it is the right one and I hope that you find your peace as much as I hope to break free from this torture.

You turned out to be right,

we will be together forever,

I know I wont ever forget you

x

I have maintained a hard boundary about not responding to your messages, which most people would understand as a desire to not be in contact. However, since you continue to contact me, it leads me to believe that the boundary either hasn’t been clear to you, or that you want something from me so badly that you have purposely ignored it. I am pretty sure that remaining out of contact with you is the right decision, though I do sometimes struggle with doubt, and there are times when I do wish we could talk and try to understand each other’s position better. I am writing you this message to discharge some of that intensity of wanting to communicate, and because I do wish I could help you and give you what you want (to the degree that it’s reasonable) when you’re contacting me.

Since you’ve never asked anything specific of me in your messages, I can only extrapolate what you might want based on what I would want if our positions were reversed. First of all, I would want to be heard and acknowledged for the degree of my suffering. I would also want to know the reasons you decided to exit my life, and I would want to know your perspective of the overall experience now that it is over. I would want to know if there was any warmth or kindness still available to me from you, but I wouldn’t want to be led on. In short, I would want honest closure. You may not want these things specifically, but since I don’t know what you want, I will answer these specific points as truthfully as I can with the hope that my words will help you in some way, and that it could help me to write them.

I had to end communication between us last fall because it was clear to me that our contact was only causing both of us more and more harm, and it would never get better. I knew from past experience with you that anything I said or did in that moment would’ve been used as fuel for your rage against me- arguing, defending myself, or apologizing have only ever served to justify your perspective of being mistreated by me. And yes, I expected that even silence would have the same results, but it seemed like the least karmically negative thing to do in the situation. I maintain the silence now because I am trying to minimize the perpetuation of future harm to both of us. I am not doing it to punish you, or to show a judgement about you as a person. I know you’ve been suffering, I am not blind or numb to how my exit must have hurt you. I know you feel things very intensely and that you have huge abandonment wounds. I have tremendous empathy and compassion for you, and always have, and always will. I honestly would take the pain away from you if I could, but I know now that that’s not something I can do, no matter how much I wish I could.

Overall, our relationship (as it were) was the most painful time in my adult life. When we were in the throes of active negative communication, it was like being in hell and I didn’t know if I’d ever get out. It was constant emotional torture, and it ripped my self-esteem to shreds. All aspects of my life have been affected by what has happened between us. I am a different person than when we met three years ago. However, I wouldn’t snap my fingers and make it all disappear even if I could, for a couple of reasons. First of all, when things were positive between us, it was a love that I had never experienced and I know I will never experience again- the depth and intensity of the connection, the astronomical scale at which everything was happening, it was incredible. I admit that all my previous attempts to classify it have been feeble and generally inaccurate. I also agree with what you said in your last message, that no one else could ever understand what it was like, or the significance of it all, unless they had lived it. And only you and I lived it.

The second reason I wouldn’t wish to erase what has happened between us is that I see it was necessary to knock some really persistent, deep-seated delusions and negative behaviors loose from my personality. You may be harsh to me in your words, but you are always honest and frequently right. And even in the absence of direct critique from you, this whole process has brought me face-to-face with my shadow and dysfunctional patterning and allowed me to make some real changes. It has been an ugly, painful, but ultimately crucial, process. I am grateful to you and the whole experience, though I would never wish it on anyone, even for their benefit. It has been a hard road, and it brought me very low for a very long time. And even though I see the benefit in what we’ve gone through, the right move now is to focus on rebuilding after the destruction.

I want you to know that I don’t think you’re a bad person or that you’re unworthy of love or kindness. I know you want happiness and love as much as anyone else, and that you deserve it as much as anyone else. Your spiritual path is beautiful and worthy of the utmost respect, and I hope it continues to carry you forward. I am glad to hear you’re taking steps to take care of yourself better these days, and that you’ve started doing things you’ve always known you needed or wanted to. I really hope you can fully grieve our relationship, as I am trying to, and eventually move forward into a happier, healthier phase of life. I wish that for you more than anything else.

Goodbye. Take care of yourself, C.

The last few months of my relationship were like this--arguments became worse and worse, more intense, our words more hurtful, the damage harder and harder to repair each time. He and I both agreed that we needed to separate our living situation and step back in order to stop causing harm to each other. We still saw each other for about six weeks after separating, but then he went through a difficult time and the old accusations started again, that I must have found someone new, that I was lying to him about who I was with. He started threatening suicide, and finally implied one morning that he had taken a bunch of pills. In a panic, I tried to reach his best friend and even his ex-wife to get the correct address of his new place. Finally I called 911 and told them the location of his apartment building and they took him to the hospital. Later that night (after being kept in the hospital all day for observation and having his blood alcohol levels tested--apparently he didn't take as much as he had implied to me), he was angry with me for contacting his ex, because then she wouldn't let him see his child. He was also angry with me for sticking him with a huge hospital bill. That was just the last straw for me. After six years, I couldn't do it anymore. I'm not innocent, I made mistakes in this relationship, I know. I'm sure that, like what you said above, Iberis, he was hurt by how I ended things. But I had dealt with so many suicide threats and self harming episodes and then the angry accusations and hateful words. Like you, I wanted so much to be able to love him enough that I could take the hurt and trauma from his past away and heal his abandonment issues. But that was something I had to accept that I couldn't do, hard as it was to walk away. This reply obviously isn't a letter, but what you said resonated with me, so I wanted to respond.
It is so hard to walk away, it's hard to accept that we can't heal their wounds, despite the fact that we so deeply want to.

Well our meeting is coming up on Saturday so I wanted to write more what on my mind when I think of you right now versus what will happen on Saturday where I will be in listening mode .I know you’ve told me your are now in therapy and that you are feeling better about yourself .You also told me you got rid of some people in your life which oddly all corresponded with the people I didn’t like.Concerning the therapy I’m very proud of you and what you are doing to better yourself hopefully this will continue throughout your life so you can finally live some semblance of normal .As for the other changes you’ve told me Unfortunately I remain skeptical as it is “too good to be true”, but it’s also not really my business or problem.At first right after the meeting we had I was in a good place when thinking of you,what I mean by this is my worry for you somewhat reduced greatly.

The last 5-6 days however a worry has entered my head about your feelings towards me which seem more relationship oriented than friendship, hopefully I am wrong about this but my sixth sense and far greater capacity for seeing red flags says different .Especially after last nights text message I received which clearly showed signs of you being under the influence... .luckily I was asleep and only read it this morning and hence did not answer .I was truely hoping in this span of time we were apart that I’d of learnt enough and our feelings for each other would reduce enough to go back as friends .I hope I’m wrong again I really do want you in my life but this isn’t only about what I want ... .having this feeling of annoyance coming back is easier to deal with than before thats for sure .Sometimes time itself allows to forget the reasons sometimes people need to be apart. See you Saturday

I just want to let you know that you don't have to avoid me. Maybe you have multiple reasons for being out of touch for three years--I don't know--but fear shouldn't be one of them. After all, we were pretty great friends once.

P.S. I'm not fishing for anything else.

Jxxx,

It's been three months that I got a new phone number and when you got my letter telling you about the new number, which you don't have and won't ever get.

In my past letters to you I've never blamed you and I never really said what I wished to tell you. Reading about PD and BPD, I've learned that you must suffer from a strong BPD. You once told me personally that you have personality and identity problems. At that point I couldn't react and you didn't explain that any further, by that time I knew that you have problems. I was unaware of BPD and other PD and only learned by reading a lot.

I feel very sorry for you, I do believe that you don't have any 'real' friends, I also believe that young long time bf has his own PD issues, how you both can keep up is still a myrical to me.

Unfortunately you never answered/replied to my long letter earlier this year, even when you told me on the phone you want to. I believe that you just can't reply, your shame is just too strong.
My last attempt to see you and to talk to you in late March was unsucessful. You replied 48 hours after I told you (repeatedly) that I'll be in your town and I wished to see you - knowing that I would leave that day. It was not a problem that you were out of town, that's very normal to visit family, friends or do something. Your much delayed reply is the problem and you're totally aware of it. This repeatledly late (or no) response was just the last drop needed to make my decision to leave our toxic connection for good.
Perhaps you tried to escape and avoid seeing me, it doesn't really matter what your reason was.
However, that day I decided that a real and trustful communication won't be possible between us.

I saw a picture with only text you posted on your SM account.
It said: "People who repeatedly attack your confidence and self esteem are quite aware of your potential even if you're not"

I don't know who you addressed this to but you misunderstand reality and your actions and behaviour. You are mostly responsible for people's reaction to you and your strange confused behaviour. Unless you start a long term therapy, your life won't ever improve.

Your wish to try to have a baby with your bf does frighton me. You've already had an abortion at age 17 and a miscarriage at age 31. Now you're 34 and very ill. You lost your fresh drivers license due to alcohol and drunk driving shorty after you got the license. The few times I've met with you, you kept drinking too much which let to even more strange patterns of behavour.
As much as you wish to have your own child, just like your younger sister did this year, it won't heel you and you won't be able to be the mother that a newborn deserves.

Next weekend, I will be in your town for an open air festival and I much hope that our ways won't cross that day and night. In case you see me, please don't approach me or talk to me as I just don't see how we could talk like grown up and intelligent people.

In my 'good-bye' letter to you in April, I told you to concentrate on my family, my kids and my wonderful wife. Life has been very good to me since and I sleep very well now.
You're still on my mind, but my memories are slowly fading as time passes.

Take care and good luck with your life and career.


xxx

Thank you steelworks, these words seem to capture my situation just now after a broken relationship. It’s the estrangement that hurts. I don’t like to be melodramatic, but the idea that some day we will die without ever saying a dignified farewell just breaks my heart.

Long time, long time. I came upon your story "... ." in the xxxx Review. It was odd reading the story, but I felt a little proud of you also.

I'm living in [PLACE], [DOING WHAT I'M DOING].

[BROTHER] died last August, probably from a stroke.

I quit drinking.

Well, that's enough from me. I want you to know that I haven't held onto hard feelings. No, I've processed them, like so much orange cheese. I wish things had not ended so bitterly, though. It would be great to hear from you.

I'm writing here to say that we have nothing to say to one another.

I spoke your name for the first time in a long while the other day and it felt strange.  Strange because there was no feeling that followed.  I noticed only the distance inside of myself from who I was then to who I am now.  Also strange because I was taking control of my own concerns rather than protecting you and that was a huge shift from when we were together.    

It was later that I thought about what, if anything, I might say to you if you were to speak to me now and concluded that it would simply be that there is nothing to say.  No sorry, no regret, no hard feelings and no I miss you.  I hope that you also have reached a point inside of yourself where you know that there is no need for words between us.  We know that we both got what we needed from our time together.  In my case I got a lot more than I needed when it came to the trauma, but then again I am even grateful for that.  

It may sound crazy but if I were to say anything it would be thank you for all of it.  Although I spent so long torn up and riddled with guilt over the way things ended, drowning in the pain of loss, although I was reliving all I endured from you for the longest time, the violence, threats, suicide attempts, emergency services, although there were 12 months spent going through court to get my son back with me for 50% of the time, the money that my family has spent to achieve that, the time in counselling, domestic abuse support groups, scrutiny from social services, although it took me 3 months to feel safe enough to return the knives to the block, I am grateful.  Because I know myself now.  I have learned to love myself and I am in therapy working to change the things you saw in me. The last time I did want to run to you was to tell you how right you were.  But there is no need.  

At one time I'd have wanted to tell you about the trauma I've suffered - to point out to you the desolation you leave in your wake, but no longer.  You already know what you do and I know that is hard for you to live with.  You suffer enough and have lost so much through your actions and that is deeply saddening to know.  You are being respectful of my wishes and staying out of my life.  I appreciate that.  

At one point I'd have wanted to apologise.  I beat myself up for the way I left you, both in turning you out of my home and for when I cut off contact.  I hurt myself too doing these things and I tormented myself about not telling you I loved you the night we were only separated by a sheet of glass.  I saw the broken young boy inside of you as your eyes pleaded with me to end your pain.  It replayed in my mind over and over.  As did so many things.  Seeing you with my belt tied around your arm and a lethal cocktail in your hand, the blood on both our clothes and all over the kitchen floor, the look on your face as you tried to throw me down the stairs and I fought back - the list is endless.  

But the moments that I felt guilt over I am no longer sorry for.  It's taken a lot of work in counselling to let go of that guilt.  Telling you I loved you would not have changed anything.  I had to protect myself.  I did what I had to do.  I could only save one of us and it had to be me.  I could also have apologised once for staying with you long enough for all the bad things that happened to take place as it spiralled.  Now I see that I did my best with the knowledge I had.  I was far from at my best and nobody realistically could be under those circumstances.  Whilst I accept my part in us, it no longer haunts me as it did.  So no, I am not sorry.

Within the first few months, I'd have wanted to let you know that I didn't hate you, that I cared and that I hoped you'd be OK.  I'm so glad I never caved into the urges to contact you.  It is for the best.  Deep down you know what my feelings were for you and you know what your feelings were.  I know it's harder for you to admit these things to yourself because of the hurt you feel if you allow yourself.  That would mean feeling the shame of knowing that you hurt someone who would have stayed by your side and lost herself willingly.  I am no longer that person.  I'm stronger now.  For that I am thankful.  Whilst your presence in my life caused a great deal of damage, you also are partly responsible for a great deal of good that has come of our mess.  I say partly because I wouldn't give you all the credit any more than I would make you solely to blame for what happened.  We had a precious and beautiful thing and we held the match to the blue touch paper together.  There were more similarities between us than I cared to accept.  We live and learn.

I am grateful for our passionate love, which was more powerful than I believe either of us had experienced.  I saw the look in your eyes when we were first intimate.  You were as shocked as I was.  There is no hiding that.  Perhaps you met your match.  I know I did.  I will treasure the good memories of us always.  When we were free together and just ourselves it really was something else.  But I don't need to thank you for that.  We created that together and you were there.

So, my beautiful man, if you see me don't speak.  Just smile.  Because what we had - all of it - meant so much and no words could add or remove anything from that.  For old times' sake, You are awesome, I am awesome, We are awesome.  

I wish you only peace, love and light as I do all others.  May you some day find it.

Your Princess            

You left me a broken man.

PS I once told you that you were everything I never knew I always wanted.  Looking back I can also see that your behaviour in the end was also everything I always knew I never wanted and I finally feel some pride at the fact that I put myself first by letting go and leaving that behind.  It's the hardest thing I ever did and I did it, which shows me what I'm capable of.  Just about anything. 

It was in my nature to criticise myself for not caring about myself soon enough however I've had it pointed out to me that I can be proud of myself for breaking free and you know what?  I am.  I gave up the biggest love I'd ever had to value my safety and my emotional wellbeing and that was a turning point for me.  I'm no longer a captive to my emotions. 

There is love without pain you know.  Loving myself doesn't hurt at all. 

Remember I said, 'If we break up, I want you to remember you are not bad.'

Honey,

 How I miss you. The you I fell in love with. Smart, sassy, blunt, supportive. The you that made me want to be braver and smarter. The you that pushed me to do better. Made me tell myself "I can do it". The you that listened to me like you wanted to be hearing what I had to say.

 I don't know where you went. I don't know if I can ever get that you back. At this point, I think I would fall for you all over again. I know that it wouldn't last. That you would leave again only to bring back this other you. The you that was upset what seemed like constantly. Over what, I couldn't ever figure out. The you whose fire didn't burn quite the same anymore.

I can't help but feel somewhat responsible for it all. Our downfall, the months of slowly drifting further apart. Never being able to fix it, change what I was doing to be doing the right thing so you would be happy. I guess I just couldn't love the way you needed to be loved. And just as I couldn't love you correctly, you could not love me like I needed.

 Sometimes I want to scream or cry or beg you to try again, just one more time. But I can't bring myself to pick up the phone and risk whatever would come of that call. I can't possibly endure the pain I've been learning to cope with again, not from you anyway. I wanted those words you said to be true. The rest of our lives to work things out and do certain things together. I'm only certain now that for the rest of my life these memories will be burned into my mind as a reminder that not everyone means what they say. Not everything can be taken at face value. And not all love is meant to be had forever. What I thought was a fairy tale turned out to be a series of unfortunate events.

So to you, Honey, you used to be so sweet and now it has turned into stinging pain.

I still love you and Goodbye,
Me

A response to her loaded message to me... .

Hey; I wanted to address the plethora of accusations you made earlier today which clearly is how you feel and I know that a lot of it may or may not be out of frustration/anger/hurt/discontent with our current circumstnace but i needed to become emotionally stable before I can give it my clear thought. You state that I can't have everything my way; unfortunately, none of this is my way. If you feel that I am content or satisfied with having our relationship fall apart to this extent; im not. I'm destroyed, inside and outside. I'm unable to focus, I sit at home in the evenings reading or writing or trying to meditate to try to cope with the emotional pains that I'm having. Yes - I am hurting, and I know you are too. I voiced that to you on sundy and tried to give some form of affection to comfort your pain as well as mine. You state that I've become incapable of having a conversation or silo'd into therapy. I try to communicate wtih you in every healthy manner posisble. Without placing blame on you or myself. The circumstance and the outcomes we've had are unfortunate, and we're both responsible for the situations. Perhaps you may feel i've placed complete blame on you, which is not true, but if you do feel that way, rest assured you are not faultless nor 100% at fault. We are 50% of anything that happens. You stated I shut you down when youw ant to speak; unfortunately, it may be time for you to reflect on how you project blame onto me for all mishaps or unfortunate outcomes (i.e. video fight, family situations, discontent with anything). You are stating I've only lived with my therapy, I'm sorry but I tried everything that I knew from my growth in life and that didnt' work with you. So I bought books, I read articles, I entered into therapy to help myself be better FOR YOU. I asked you to take that effort and journey with me as well. I'm certain you have yet to ever read any of the books; articles; or guides and that's ok; I know you're busy and it may be difficult to hear/see perspectives that are uncomfortable for us to enter into. It has been extremely difficult for me to own my feelings; share my truth; and listen to your perspective calmly and collectively. I have worked on myself to become better. I have done what I owe myself to become calmer; healthier; and better. I have taken effort to reach out to you after multiple physical or emotional abusive behaviors. I wrote you a leter to tell you how much i care and love you and yet you thrrew it in my face that I only care about myself. You want to say hurtful things to me that I'm a monster and I can only care about money when in truth; you know that isn't true. You konw deep down I've given my soul, my money, my every ounce of energy to satisfy you, however, it is to no satisfaction. In all of these close to 30 days I've notice I keep chasing you. I keep pursuing. And yet YOU still find fault in me... .I respect your boundaries and write you a letter and instead. I ask to re-engage in a healthy form and you choose to act as if I'm the only one that has fault in this relationship... or that i OWE you more. I am hurting. You have no idea what it feels like when your wife says it uncomfrotable to make eye contact, or to have your arm around her. I took chances, after everything, I have hope that maybe we can build slowly nad in a healthy form. It can only happen with two of us. You may think becuase I dont' cry that I'm not hurting. or becuase I don't throw things or yell or scream anymore I'm not hurting. My hurt is in my silence. In my darkness, in my sleep, when I am hurting most. I control my emotions and my pain to not hurt anyone else; but I am hurting and you are blind to that. You are only looking at your PAIN and emotions and invalidating anything of mine. I have tried to comfort you, give you affection, give you support, re-engage in a healthy manner, and you showed up and may as well have spit in my face the way I felt driving home both days. It's ok - I swallowed my pride and kept asking to hang again. You're claiming the therapists are taking money and we are makign zero improvement. That is your perspective and your choice to get help for yourself is up to you. You throwing glass, pulling a knife out, pulling your hair, exhibiting self-harm, threats of suicide, and hopefully no more to come but all your behavior that is caused by a surge of emotions is your responsibility. You cannot place that blame on someone else. Controlling your emotions is your own account. I'm glad you have a picture and a map of how you want your future family to be when your parents have passed. I also had that picture; I also had that dream with you; I also built my life to exhibit that sense of success emotionally, spiritually, and physically with you and our family. That is broken and I am still not quitting. You've threatened to file divorce by nov 1st without any progress. Who are you kidding; no progress will be made without your whole hearted participation; your own exhibition of compassion and empathy. If you're not capable, so be it. I've faced my truth. You've thrown the word divorce out so many times and almost have made a habit of it. You blame me for not calling over the phone... .so what... so I can hear you say "YA" when you pickup? So I can hear more silence? So I can hear more blame and accusations of what you think I'm content with? End the pain -  end the blaming - end what you think is reality when it isn't. If you can't own the truth, Ive seen it crystal clear. You can't show any compassion to me because you truly are detached because I've drawn my boundaries of what is safe and healthy. I can't continue in this manner, so if we can't find a common ground and healthy way to re-engage, I'm agreeable to your deadline or whatever stipulations you wish. Just know your choices and my choices don't have to be parallel when it comes to choosing to be in this relationsihp. Also know that I love you and care for you. Unlike you; I don't put it in past tense; I put it in present tense... .becuase I still do, I still will, and I will forever, but that doens't mean we have to be together. Lastly - your money accusations have been manipulated in so many ways I can't even address it with a calm state of mind. Do as you please; twist it however you want, tell you and your dad and your mom to keep the money. I did not ask for $1 out of these past two days... I simply stated to pay the remaining balances to our vendors as we owe them that.

Crushed, this speaks to me as I often think about being broken and how in some ways it's a blessing that we can heal ourselves no matter how broken we are.  Our ex partners may well never stop getting more broken, instead forever going through the same patterns of behaviour without making a change and that is so sad.  

Step by step crushed... . 

Love and light x

I hear the loss and feel for you.  That pain is etched in my memory.  Thank you for sharing OrionLeonardo.  It sounds like this was difficult to write and we're here for you as you grieve.  I hope there was some catharsis in pouring out these thoughts and feelings  

Love and light x

Thank you for sharing.  How did you feel writing this out?  Have you spoken any of these words face to face?  Wishing you well as you navigate these difficult waters.  Keep posting on the boards for support.

Love and light x

It’s been a while... we see each other on campus and pretend we are strangers. I catch a glimpse of you and wonder about your new life. I wonder if I ever cross your mind or if you ever think of me. I have to put a front and act unbothered. I have to pretend I lost feelings for you. When quite frankly, it’s been almost A year  where we separated and I still think of you and miss you.

You used to ask what I love about you, and it was hard for me to pinpoint the answers you were looking for because in all honest I was in love with all of you. Your laugh, your smile, your touch, your voice, your walk, your beauty, your intelligence. Your humor. I loved you.

I’m sorry I couldn’t choose friendship after the breakup. I wanted to marry you one day. Despite our problems and differences I know you were caring and loving and I saw the compassion you presented. I wish I knew this monstrous disease better during our time. I wish I wasn’t so inexperienced and knew the tools I know now. I was so lost and going crazy that I couldn’t be your safe place. In all the chaos I wanted to Be your lighthouse. Yet, we both got lost in the storm.

I was so immature and naive. I was impatient and anxious all the time. Neither you, nor I were perfect. We took our love for granted. You left and I was broken. I lost my will to live. I lost my self. It took me months and months to somewhat find it, and at times I still feel lost. I wish I could see you and speak to you. I wish we can find a way back to another in our lifetime. But sadly, you don’t want anything to do with me. It happens. We move on and meet someone else. No one I have met has ever amounted to you. I lie and pretend they do but no. You were my first love. No matter how much you hurt me, made me cry... .I will always love you.

I am doing my best to move on. I am trying so hard but you pop back in my life. Whether seeing you randomly on campus or in my dreams. I can’t shake you off, and I’m not sure if I want too...

Deep Down I am hoping you come back and message me. But knowing you, you will never ever talk to me.

Please take care.

thats a painful, but very loving read, CryWolf.

first love is so hard 

Thank you OR.

It’s been really hard lately.

One minute you were asking if I wanted yo go to the cinema, the next I woke up to messages calling me names and saying it was over. I messaged you back but you were raging about everything, wanting a baby, wanting me to be different. You then did what you have done so many times over the last 12 months and completely ignored me... .for days on end. Then this time the silence turned in to the end of our relationship with flying monkeys getting involved saying YOUR health was suffering and that maybe it was the wrong timing for us or maybe we just weren't compatible. I dread to think what picture you have painted of me to others. It's all a far cry from how I felt in the beginning. You told me you would never hurt me. That you would look after me. That you adored me. I bought in to that dream. Its seemed real at first but I started to see glimmers of another side to you. Initially it seemed to start as misunderstandings between us. You would grow frosty. I would try and reassure you. Then one day we argued about some random guy messaging you late at night. You threatened to end it with me. I apologised. Looking back I have enabled your behaviour time and time again by wanting things to be good between us. You turned everyone against me. I saw the messages you sent calling me names about being fat and about my clothes. I now know that it's called triangulation and that you are sick. The first time I saw you raging and then punching yourself in the face, scratching your neck, pulling your hair I should have exited stage left but I loved you and thought I could help. How wrong I was. You never wanted my help. You wanted someone to just focus on your feelings and needs. You would sulk over absolutely everything. I couldn't open my mouth without causing offence. I started to believe you that I was mean and unkind. I must be after all you keep hysterically crying and then raging at me. The last night I saw you we had a good time. We spoke about our future and then boom. I asked you a question that you were uncomfortable with and you scratched my arm and kicked me. It's the first time you had become physical. It was completely uncalled for. I miss you. I realise though that it has only ever been one way. You used me and you discarded me and my kids like garbage, cheered on by your moronic friend. I am suffering now, I don't know what you are doing. I don't know if you have someone else... It wouldnt surprise me. What I will say though is that my suffering will end. When that happens the tables will turn. I will be able to go out and show my love yo someone deserving. You may regret I hope you do as it may prompt you to seek help and be less dismissive. I loved you so much but it truly is wasted on you. I intend to move on despite how I can't get you out of my thoughts and find true love. Unless you do the hard work you won't ever get that. Bye

Des23 I'm sorry to hear of the circumstances surrounding your breakup.  I think it's so terribly hard to have to conclude and accept within ourselves that there is no way forwards with someone we love that doesn't involve a great deal of turmoil and pain for both partners. We are with you as you navigate this rough terrain.  Keep posting

Love and light x

I miss you. I miss your happy laughs. I miss holding you. I miss your perspective on life.
When I first met you, five years ago, you were different than any other girl I had ever met. You taught me new ways of looking at life. You were my first (and only?) love.
Funny how the very thing I admired and loved about you (your mind) would also be the reason for so much suffering for you and me.
 
I wish you could experience normal life. I wish you could not suffer so much. I wish you could relax and know everything is OK.

I wish you and I could just disappear and go around the world. I wish you could see how beautiful the world really is. I wish I could make you happy forever.

I will be forever conflicted on trying to help you, and trying to protect myself. There HAS to be a solution, right?

At the time, I didn't understand what you are really experiencing. I just knew I can't do this to myself. But should I have tried harder? Maybe if I had known about the illness sooner I could have helped more. But at the time, I tried. I tried my darnest, and I feel defeated.

I feel defeated because I couldn't make the one person I really want to make happy, happy.

After we got back together after 3 years, you kept saying "you are my last hope", that was a lot of responsibility and your constant talks about suicide freaked me out.

I thought, What's the big deal? What I didn't know back then is what I was asking you was the same as asking a paralyzed person to get up and walk. I didn't know how much is real, how much you are faking, how much is manipulation.

I hate the anxious feeling or seeing you down spiral. You are a stripper now? What would your 19 year old self (the one I met and fell in love with) think of you becoming a stripper?

I saw you climbing society in ways that us mortals can't do. You were confident, you were stunning, you understood human dynamics and interactions to a level I have never seen.

BPD tell me that was all a perfected persona.

I wish for you to be happy. My mind is constantly thinking about "solutions", some way out of this.

I can't seem to stop thinking about you and this solution, but I can't seem to help either. It's a ___ty feeling, not being able to help the person you love and care for and seeing them down spiral. Seeing how you pick the skin on your stunning, gorgeous face.

I guess this world doesn't have to make sense. I guess this world doesn't owe me anything. I know, I know.

It makes me sad that you don't get to experience life like the rest of us. Are your parents to blame? You told me some horrific stories of your parents... .did they cause this? was this genetic?

I think they should have taken your behavior seriously, instead of beating you, they should have taken you to a therapist. Your mom was a school psychiatrist for god's sake!

It sucks for a human being to be subjected to this. You deserve a happy life with good, nice, caring, happy people around you.

What can I do? I feel capable of doing anything but this seems to require a PhD in psychology and even then its all up to you and you don't care, are not motivated to change things even while realizing it's all going downhill fast.

I miss your happy laughs, I love you.

I'm feeling so hurt.

The babies I gave up were the most difficult sacrifice. I will always wonder if I did the right thing.

Every time you ignored me. Every time you swore at me. Every time you lied to me. Every time you dismissed my feelings and got angry because I was being selfish by expressing my emotions. Every time I was kind and you took advantage. Every time you put me down, bait me with the promise of an apology just to tell me that I deserved all the negativity. There is more but my heart is telling me to stop here. It can't take it anymore.

I am sorry that I participated in this relationship for so long. Along the way I contributed to the toxicity. Out of ignorance and self defense I became a monster too. I began to hate myself and told you I understood why you hated me too. I was that convinced.

Now I'm trying to rebuild myself as you grow stronger. I know I will never be the same. And you will always be the same. You're right, I am the loser. I've lost myself and so much more.