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Well, against my better judgment, I went to her house after a 3-month “hiatus” initiated by her. 

 I had no contact for 6 weeks until right after Christmas when she texted me a late night “I miss you, I miss us” series of texts.  I responded politely with “I’m sorry this breakup has been so hard on you, but this is what you wanted.”  Then she texted me again New Year’s Day to wish me a happy new year.  We had a short thread about nothing important.  I ended the text with “always nice to hear from you.”

Fast forward to first week in February.  My weakness for her got the better of me and I went to her house.  She welcomed me with a huge smile.  We had coffee, talked a bit, and from there decided to try again.

We had 9 days of really good conversations about our relationship, what we both learned from our three month separation, and I felt pretty good (although I’ve been so conditioned to wait for the other shoe to drop that I couldn’t totally relax in this newfound honeymoon stage.)  We were intimate quite often, and that was wonderful.

We had a date Saturday night and went out for a drink and dancing. She was so attentive and relaxed. I can honestly say it was the best night in the year we’ve been together.

My birthday is today.  We made plans that she would take me out to a favorite place of mine and spend the day/night together.

Not happening.  Last week there were two days of silence from her.  I knew in my heart she was “thinking” and called her.  Sure enough, she didn’t think this was going to work out because she wanted to eventually get married and I didn’t. 

This has been an issue between us for the past year. I told her when we met that I was never getting married and if that was a problem for her, she should just walk away.  She didn’t.  She said she accepted that.

So now she pulls that out of her bag of tricks as an excuse to stop seeing me. 

Finally, I grew a spine during this last conversation and let her have it.  In the past breakups, I always kept the door open to her and would say I will always be there for you, you can always call me, blah, blah, blah.

Not this time.  I opened up and told her how awful she was to take me back, be intimate with me, tell me how much she loves me, make future plans with me and so on.  I accused her of being manipulative.  I told her she has real problems and that I was finally DONE.  Do NOT contact me in any way.  When I said I would be blocking her from my phone, THAT got a reaction.  “Please don’t do that” she said.

I told her I had to for my own self-preservation, that I didn’t want to get some late-night fake “I love you” texts down the road that meant nothing to her and everything to me.

I said I would come by the next day to pick up my things and I would appreciate it if she wasn’t around, as I never wanted to see her face again.  She said ok... .she would leave the garage open and stay in the backyard.

I was so angry... .and I have a long fuse where she’s concerned.  But this was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

Long story longer... .I went to pick up my things.  As promised, they were in the garage in a neat little pile.  It took me all of two minutes to load my car. 

Of course she had to come out and I didn’t even look her way.  She said “nice haircut” and I drove away.

Blocked her from everything.  I feel good.  I feel free.  I know it’s early and I’m angry and that anger will turn into missing her.  But I am determined that we will never bridge the gap between us now.

I had a very long stable r/s before her for many, many years.  I want that again.  I know what that feels like.

This one seduced me with her beauty and fake personality.  No more.  I am done playing her game.  I hope she’s miserable, but I don’t think she’s capable and probably not even giving me a thought.  She’s told me many times in the past how many people she knows who would love to be with her.  She can be with all of them now for all I care.

By the way, at the end of this awful conversation, she actually asked me if she could still take me out on my birthday... .what kind of crazy is that?

Anyway, it’s all up to me now.  I will remain strong and will not be drawn into her crazy world again.  After many recycles, I have finally hit bottom. 

Oh... .I forgot to add that I had 4 items of clothing at her house.  I had texted her before I picked up my stuff a list of the 4 items plus my guitar and stand.

One of the clothing items was a favorite shirt. When I got home, I noticed she had kept the shirt.

So bizarre.

Any thoughts on this behavior?  I have my own theories... .

Hey there Stixx,

It looks like you have made a firm stand on your decision.
i'm really sorry for what has happened at the end of this "recycle" and the tidal wave of emotions and yet having to go through another round of "loss". Sometimes, we can only take so much. My heart goes out to you.
 

I suppose stixx, it isn't something we can comprehend. Sometimes when we're done with someone, we're done. I do believe this ties in with the whole issue of boundaries as well as the need for validation and acceptance as a result to the fear of abandonment (and rejection) drives the motivation to do something in your favour that would make him/her feel accepted.


I believe this is a matter of wanting something to keep you within her memory. Individuals struggling with BPD have an unstable sense of self and identity. Therefore they would often require others to define who they are as a person. That might perhaps be one of the primary motivations as to why she kept your shirt. That shirt of yours would remind her of you, which would allow her to recall how you treated her and how you thought of her as a person, which then gives her a sense of her identity, worth and value.

Individuals who struggle with BPD have a lack of what is called lack of object constancy. Here is a short explanation for your benefit on what object constancy is. My guess is that your partner might fear that she would forget you if she doesn't see or talk to you. So the only way she can remember you is to relate you to an article/object within her reach, so that piece of clothing would help her recall who you are as a person for the above mentioned reasons.


Here is the link to the article for citation purposes.
https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200805/understanding-constancy-in-relationship (https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/enlightened-living/200805/understanding-constancy-in-relationship)

I hope this would help you make some sense of her "psyche".

Takecare,
Spero.

Dear Stixx-

Happy Birthday.  I'm hoping you can find a way to enjoy your special day in spite of the turmoil... .I'm sorry you're having to go through this... .such a familiar dance.

My take on keeping your favorite shirt is that she knew you'd want to come and go in a rush, so you wouldn't check the clothing pile until you got home.  It was likely a ploy for future (near future) contact, because she knows the shirt IS a favorite.  Keeping your guitar would have been way too obvious!

So you'll live without that shirt... .and by the tone of your post, be happier wearing other clothes and someone else on your arm.


Chin up, my friend.

Warmly,
Gemsforeyes

Gemsforeyes,

Doesn’t matter if she wants to keep the shirt as a ploy to get me back (not happening) or to keep it as a reminder of me.

I am enjoying my day... .have so many wonderful and supportive friends who are so happy I am finally taking a firm stance here.  They have been through this last crazy year with me and have supported all my recycle attempts.  But in truth, they all knew it wasn’t right for me.

Thanks, Spero, for your insights as well.  I appreciate everyone who contributes on this site.

stixx44 - sounds like you're doing the right and smart thing. Stick to your guns!

Update:  Day 10 NC and still feel great!  Have come to learn a few things about her in the last week from a friend of mine that just confirm my decision to never, ever contact or lay eyes on her again. 

As sympathetic as I am that she has a mental illness, she’s just bad news for me.  I feel clear-headed, calm, and actually happy.  A huge burden has been lifted from me, so I thank her for breaking it off.  I might not have had the fortitude to do that myself.

She actually did me a great favor.

Hi stixx44,

Okay, so I just gotta ask, what happens with that shirt? Will you get it back?

Glad you are feeling better and moving your life in a direction you prefer! I admire your strength!

take care, pearl.

Pearl,

Will I ever get my shirt back? 

No way!  She can sleep with it under her pillow, rip it to shreds, use it to cover a voodoo doll of me... .whatever she wants!

I will not go near her house or have her enter mine.  I can’t really see any scenario for us ever having a get-together to talk things out.

Time for both of us to move on.

I do have one question.  So you didn't want to get married but what was your expectation of her as far as a relationship goes?  ie.  did you want to be like Goldie Hawn and Kurt Russel and just not tie the knot or were you thinking of something else?  The only reason i'm asking is that i just had lunch with a friend and he told me that he said this to a girl because he was jaded by relationships and just wanted to have a sex partner.  Then after 5 years of telling her that he didn't want a marriage or a relationship he met a woman at church and now they are married.   

I'm just asking because you said she was very manipulative with saying that she loved you.   Why was that a problem?  what were you hoping she would do?   

I told her from the beginning that I would not get married until the Catholic Church sanctioned it.  I know some of you will scratch your heads at that, since I am a gay woman and the Church does not sanction that either. But that’s my own issue to deal with.  But I am a practicing Catholic (she has never practiced anything, and I accepted that.)

I believe in the sacrament of marriage, not a civil ceremony.  I was upfront with her from the beginning.  I said if this is a deal-breaker for you, walk away and I will understand.  She said ok... .she could live with that.

She asked me if I could see us living together down the road.  I said yes.  After 10 months I asked her to do that.  She said no... .”too late.”  And she left.

We came back together just three weeks ago.  It lasted 9 days.  She told me she still wanted marriage.  I said no.  Case closed.  Looking back, I think she used it as her excuse to break up again.

I truly think if I had said yes to marriage, she would have balked.  She was always raising the bar to some new heights that I just could never jump over.

Hi

Am sad for you going thru this.

My story is that am separated frm the love of my life since March 2017.  I asked that we could live apart to work on ourselves.  I had become toxic, didn't realize the toll of being in r/s w dBPD b/f who was untreated.  Because he is so high functioning... .long story short, I needed to get space.  I wasn't taking any self care, I was enmeshed.  Then, a month later, April last yr, I realized that i made a huge mistake.  I told him i got rid of the only person who ever loved me:him!
I begged him to forgive me, to come back.  He said i dont know.  We spent the next six months seeing eachother, going on trips, he had surgery during that time, I took care of him.

In oct, he let me know he was seeing other people.
He dropped me.  Then in November, we had been waiting on a appt to open up w a respected T for couples counseling.  To my surprise, he wanted to go w me.  So, we are going, every 2wks, and now, every 3 wks. 

So much is changing, I am getting my voice, who i am, being ok with whatever comes my way, much more a complete person.  Not enmeshed.
He is showing me a lot of respect, kindness, appreciation, giving me compliments.  Stuff I never used to get.  And to be complete, I lost 50 lbs, am much more stable, am happy with my life and what I am doing.  (Before, when we lived together, I was trying to get him to meet my needs)

Whatever happens, I am in a good place.
I found this community in nov. last yr.  You can read my posts if you want, this has been a roller coaster.

The main thing I wanted to say was, I believe there are stages to separating fm BPD lover. 

At first, back in March 2017, I was relieved.

Then, I was uncertain, a month later.

Then a month or so later, I saw MY part: not getting self care, not developing myself, not understanding BPD, expecting him to meet all my needs.

Then, realizing if i did internal and external work on myself, we could have a great r/s.

It has been very revealing to me.  I never thought that my comprehension, my attitude would go thru all of these changes... .p.s.  I also work al anon program   and i am involved in community service.

I went from being totally co dependent, March 2017, to one yr later, being physically, spiritually, mentally, emotionally much much more healthy, to the point i can think better and live better.

just wanted to share with you.  and this community has helped walk me thru this journey.

I wish you peace and joy

j

Juju,

Thanks for your post.  I am so happy you seem to be on a positive path with your guy.

I don’t see it happening for me.  I offered to go to therapy with her... .she said no.  I believe she’ll probably try to contact me through another source sometime in the future, but I am not willing to go through another recycle.

I know what a good, stable, loving r/s feels like.  I had one for 38 years.  This recent r/s ship was so dramatic and unstable and turned me into a person I didn’t even recognize.

I don’t ever want to be that person again.  Best of luck to you.

Stixx

Stixx, I just want to commend you on the strength that resonates through your post.  I know it is painful making this decision, yet you are also resolute that it is the best thing for you and I congratulate you on reaching that point.  It sounds like the last recycle was what it took for you, so for that reason, be happy for it to have happened.  It may sound nutty, but I am grateful for the awful things that surrounded my leaving my ex.  Without all of that I may have continued to stick it out.  Stay strong.

Love and light x

Harley,

My one good friend with whom I confided everything about my r/s these past 15 months was very supportive of whatever decision I would make.  This is before I found these boards and knew in my heart that something wasn’t quite right... .both with her behavior and my responses.

I was bending myself into a pretzel to accommodate and appease.  I once told my friend that I know myself.  And I would know when I had had enough and it was time to really walk away and stay away.

Granted, my ex was the one who broke it off (as she always did... .I am nothing if not loyal when I fall in love).  But I knew that this was the time I had really had enough with her push-pull.  I’m not a young person, and I don’t want to waste anymore time anguishing over her every move, thought, and deed. 

Two weeks out and no regrets.  As many on this forum have written, sometimes it takes many recycles before you get to the point I did.  Three times the charm was my limit (or looking at it another way, three strikes you’re out!). 

I hope everyone who is suffering from detaching or getting over someone with BPD can eventually heal.  I know I’m not totally in the clear emotionally and I will have my down moments, but I am resolved to move on this time.

Thanks for your interest, HQ.

Stixx

Stixx,

i went back and read your response to my questions and the orignial post. Now it's clear to me what happened. Thanks for clarifying.   Coincidentally, i had a similar thing happen.  My second recycle was after my ex reached out to me after having a date with some guy (found out later) and she said that she missed me.  I had already taken a sales job to put me on the road and then i get this message from her.  In addition she had a heart attack and i was there for her.  She lured me back in , told me she loved me and then dropped me again and told me, "i'm sorry to lead you on."  Lead me on!  come on when you tell someone you love them and then say, "sorry for leading you on." it is so toxic and manipulative.  I didn't get angry at her- I just told her that i wouldn't call her anymore.   Anyway, I found out later that she got in a new r/s within a month after the breakup and now i know he was the guy she dated before she told me she missed me.  I'm pretty sure she was messing around with him as well but it doesn't even matter because like you said- there is no way to have a stable relationship with her. 
Reading your post gave me some confidence that i have done the right thing by walking away.  I didn't block her but it may be time to consider that.  thanks for sharing your resolve with us.  I think your energy helped me.

Truthbeknown,

I have to tell you that for me, personally, finally blocking her was a freeing experience.  After a few days of it, I found that I wasn’t thinking about her constantly.

It is amazing how much time I had invested in constantly checking my phone.  Once that wasn’t an issue, I found other things to do that occupied my time.

Way too much of my time was spent wondering about a woman who was not wondering about me at all.

I’m happy to be even a tiny bit of help.  I will continue on these boards to draw strength from everyone else, too.

Stixx,

The final piece of letting go is hard.  She is so popular in the small Jewish community where i go from time to time that i was hoping to be acquaintances down the road or be cordial with each other. Also her sister and brother i still like and blocking her will definitely get me demonized with them for certain. 

I had a selfish reason for keeping in contact with her sister.  Her now new husband is a former NFL quarterback and from time to time she posts cools pics on her fb page with him and the other famous players.  It seems trivial but i thought it was cools to keep contact with her and she always liked me.  If i delete my ex or sister then the drama will get kicked up.  I already got blocked from my ex wifes family because she didn't want them to know the truth and by blocking my recent ex i will be creating the same scenario.   But all and all i can't see the kids anymore (hers) and that is sad so maybe i just need to let go of her sister and brother (i'm having a harder time with that then her actually).  Does this sound like hogwash? maybe i'm out of sorts but losing a second family has been really really hard.    If it had just been her it would have been no problem. 

Truth,

It sounds like you’re just not ready yet for full no contact.  I understand that.  I think you’ll know when the time comes, and you’ll make the break.

Maybe you can try limiting how much you look at the FB page... .maybe choose one or two days a week to do that.  You might find that after a while you will lose interest in that.

One can only hope, right?

Best,

Stixx

stixx,

yeah, i need to stick with my original plan which was to not look at fb unless i was going there to post.  There are some other things that were keeping me hooked that like i mentioned that i have to let go of.  Do i really want someone who hurts me in my life?  and if her sister and brother want to believe everything she says then so be it.

I think i wish that i just had had an opportunity to tell her how i felt.  When we parted i really didn't tell her the things that you did. And maybe i'm feeling like i really missed an opportunity to stand up for myself in a way that i wanted?  IDK - i go back and forth on that too. 

the other thing about blocking her on fb is that she has her profile set to public so even if i deleted her /blocked her it would still be about controlling my own impulses to check her page.  So i guess that is on me.  It's still sureal that I lost another family.  I don't know if i ever want to date a woman who has younger kids or a big family again?  tired of losing my connection to those that i come to care about.