BPDFamily.com

I have witnessed my wife go through her cycle of idealization, relative calm, distancing and devaluation and ultimately discarding me and our relationship countless times in the 12 years I've been with her. Early in the relationship when we were dating, it would be a simple argument or something I did that irritated her and she would disappear for weeks sometimes months. Once we got engaged, the same behavior continued. After we got married, and began to live together, it got even worse. I was always walking on eggshells, fearing doing something to upset her and caused her to leave, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. And it didn't matter what I did or didn't do, it was her outside stress triggers with her children, with finances... .Which, by the way she caused her own stress with finances by gambling and making poor decisions... .It was always these outside stressors that would start to become overwhelming for her, they would trigger her and as that stress built, the distancing and devaluation would begin. I came to know this cycle very well over the course of our relationship and could almost predict what was going to happen next. Her BPD has caused much trauma and chaos in other relationships in her life, not just our relationship. Her emotional instability has generated a very codependent relationship with her youngest son, 20 years old, to the point where he cannot function as a normal adult, has learning impairments that have kept him from getting a high school diploma, can't take a test without someone reading the questions to him due to 4eading comprehension issues and he is completely emotionally dependent upon his mother, my wife. Her oldest son, 23 years old, is facing six very serious Financial felony charges in federal court from a period of time 6 years ago when I tried to warn her what he was doing was illegal but she was not able to be a parent to him, he basically controlled her to the point where she involved herself in the activity. Her emotional instability and inability to think clearly and make rational, sound decisions that were not emotionally driven has wreaked havoc on her closest relationships and her family. As a result, she cannot find stability in any part of her life... .Emotionally, financially or otherwise. All of this stress started to build up regarding finances and her eldest son being charged in federal court 4 months ago. And over the course of two months, it just got worse. She began to distance herself, withhold affection, withhold intimacy, make snide remarks, escalating to very nasty comments, making false accusations that didn't even make rational sense about me being unfaithful and rejecting any offer of proof I gave to her. It was almost as if she had made up her mind she was sticking to her narrative no matter how irrational because it had become the truth she had molded for herself in her mind to not only protect herself but give her the path to run. Each time she went through this cycle, countless times in the relationship over 12 years, it always ended with her somehow creating or manufacturing some kind of issue or argument as some Flashpoint that she then could use as her excuse to finally discard, run, hide and cut off all communication. But even those things she manufactured, a rational person would be able to see that even those things did not rise to the level of someone leaving a committed relationship and were things that could have easily been worked out or discussed. She had just manufactured something in her mind that she could use to create a narrative, blame me somehow and then run. yes, I am fully aware that I bring my own Dynamics to the relationship, but anyone would be able to see from the outside, objectively, that what she was doing was a manufactured excuse. This last time, when she left approximately a month and a half ago after going through the distancing and evaluation phase for nearly 2 months, iw just another example. She trampled on a a boundary of mine for the third time in a month, having promised to not do it again the first two times, a boundary that results in lack of trust in her. It's almost as if she purposefully did it knowing it would cause an issue, refused for 2 days to take any ownership for what she had done, breaking her promise to not do it anymore and then used our argument as her excuse to leave. She simply came home at 7:30 after her workday, announced she was leaving, grabbed only 2/3 of her personal clothing and moved back to her parents house, taking our cat with her. She has since cut off all communication, her only responses to me or leave me alone. she even left behind all of her dress clothes and has never called to get them or returned to retrieve them. It's absolutely insane behavior and it has caused so much damage to me mentally, emotionally, relationally with other people in my life and financially. but this time, when she left, I made up my mind for my own emotional and mental health, that I can't do this anymore. I can't take the damage it causes me anymore. It has destroyed my self-esteem, my self-respect because she walks all over my boundaries without taking any ownership or ever apologizing to heal anyting. I understand that I bring my own Dynamics to the relationship and I have some healing to do inside of me to resolve those things that drew me to this person and kept me in this unholy bond with her for the past 12 years. I'm working hard to educate myself not only on her disorder but also on the things I need to heal within myself to break my own pattern of choosing partners. after she left, I spent the first 10 days unable to function. I had lost my job one month before she left. I found out after she left that she didn't even pay the full month's rent. She left me 10 days before the next month's rent was due with no way to pay it because I was unemployed. I was actively and fervently looking for work, but due to the timing around the holidays, it was taking longer than usual for employers to contact me. She had absolutely no consideration or remorse about leaving me in a financial crisis situation that could have resulted in me being homeless if it weren't for the fact that I was a veteran and two veterans groups donated the money to catch me up on rent. She was cruel and vicious with things she would say to me. Telling me that her family thought I was a loser. Calling me a fat, ugly loser.  telling me no one else would ever want me. And then blaming it all on me by saying I did this to myself. It left me shattered, devastated, destroyed. now mind you, I'm 5-7, 180 pounds. I'm carrying about 20 extra pounds. But I'm a very intelligent, attractive man who is driven to succeed in his life. So I know the things she said about me weren't true. But they were devastating to me none-the-less to hear them come from the person that I love with all of my heart. and I understand that's part of the disorder they devalue, they project, they blame. it is now a month-and-a-half later and I feel as if I have made significant progress, but I still find myself having days where I relapse into a pit of toxin. the worst was when I shut off her cell phone after asking her for a month if she was still using it. No response, so I terminated her cell phone I was paying for. The next day I received an email from her saying that I must not want to communicate with her since I shut off her cell phone. Mind you, this is the same person that shut off all communication with me for the past month-and-a-half and even responded twice to tell me to just leave her alone. yet, when I shut off her cell phone, I've done something wrong and I must not want to communicate with her anymore. Guilt, blame, shame, toxin.   It's going to take a very long time for me to get past this. Now, I have decided to completely go no contact, stop trying to communicate with her in any way shape or form. I have even closed down that email address she emailed me at. This time I am absolutely adamant that I will heal myself and separate myself from this toxic person. she refuses to get help, is in denial about her disorder and continues to wreak havoc and damage other people in her life. I am literally in a fight for  my emotional, mental and spiritual survival right now. And I must separate from her in every way with no contact. I'm strong in that regard right now but I still have days when I sink back into a pit of toxin... .shame, guilt, blaming myself. but those days come fewer and further between now and I'm employed making great money doing something I love doing. I have rengaged in a hobbies that I have long since set aside. I'm trying to do things I can to reengage in life, build relationships for connection and in general just start living again. I'm sorry this is so long I just didn't know how else to explain all of the things that have happened In the past 12 years in a short story. How do you explain 12 years of absolute chaos, pain, abuse and destruction in a few short paragraphs? I don't think anyone can truly express what it's like to go through this unless they've gone through it themselves.

 

Hi PianoDood. Welcome to our sanctuary, and to the family. Your situation sounds quite complex, confusing and painful. I, and most everyone on this site can relate to your perception of no one understanding this stuff unless they’ve been through it. It’s true. We’re glad you’re here. It is very hard to condense our feelings into words to try to describe how we’re feeling. Your words have validated many of us here. Thank you. I understand that you’re feeling an array of emotions right now. Can you tell us what you’re feeling at this very moment? Are you feeling relatively stable with yourself?

At this very moment I'm feeling a bit shaky. At this early stage,  I still tend to go from being completely focused  and feeling better  2  overthinking things,  feeling sad and depressed, feeling emotions like  anger,  confusion,  and disbelief.  And shocked.  I still bounce around like a pinball machine machines sometimes emotionally but  that happens less and less. I know it will get better over time.  I now have  gotten better at just riding the emotional waves letting them pass  while I process them. As I said in my original post, I'm still in the midst of the struggle. My wife left a mere month-and-a-half ago and when you are recovering from that kind of toxic relationship things tend to get prolonged. But, I'm having more days where I feel focused. I tend to be trapped sometimes in ruminating if that's the correct word. Thinking about the relationship how she could have done this, the one thing that I ask myself a lot is how could someone do this to another human being? I put myself in her shoes if the roles were reversed there's no way I would have been able to do what she did. I just could never do that to another human being let alone to someone I said I loved. But I understand they don't think the way we do. More good days. However, I still struggle daily with ruminating. I do not struggle with the need to reach out to her anymore and I must heal. But, the toxic emotions are still there and I'm still struggling with them. But, I know as I continue to educate myself, do the things I need to do to heal myself, that will get better. It's just a long struggle.

Part of my contribution to the dance was idealization of the honeymoon period of our relationship, which happened many many times in our relationship because of the fact that she did this so many times. So, to fight that idealization and to keep myself from getting stuck thinking about all of the good wonderful things, I made a list of every single time she abandoned me since the start of our relationship and posted it on my bathroom mirror so that I read it every morning. I literally became addicted to the drama, the chaos, and the push pull. I have reacted to her behavior in ways that I have never acted in my entire life. Is that normal? For the non-BPD to be drawn into the chaos so much and be so emotionally affected that it brings out behavior that is not in their character? And all that did was cause more toxic shame and guilt. It was awful!  Whenever I try to discuss an issue or bring up something about a boundary that she had trampled on, it turned into the most God awful confusing waste of time conversation. We literally wood sit there and go round and round bouncing around like a ball in a pinball machine in the conversation with her deflecting, bringing up everything from the past, things we had already resolved, her making snide comments to push my buttons, and literally an hour later we've been arguing for an hour and nothing has been discussed about the original subject of the conversation. It was the most crazy making situation ever. I finally got to the point where for my own mental and emotional health, when the conversation started down that road, I would separate myself and just stop communicating. I had to just to keep my sanity. There were times where I would be so frustrated and exasperated trying to communicate with her on something that I literally would find myself yelling and screaming which is not typical of my character. She was bringing out things in me that were damaging to myself. That's why I finally got to the point where I just would stop communicating I would exit the conversation if it started to go that direction. It was literally crazy making. Do other non BPD report the same type of thing happening when trying to interact with their BPD partner? Behaviors being pulled out of them due to the interaction that are also toxic and out of character for them?

Crazy making.

Oh, and I do ask myself that standard post-BPD break up question... .Did she ever in the entire 12 years we were together, ever love me genuinely? I know the realistic answer is most likely no. In her mind I think she thought she loved me in her own BPD thinking and emotions, but from a realistic genuine love perspective, I don't believe she ever genuinely loved me. Because her actions and choices are polar opposite from Love.