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Q     What Is It About a BPD RS That Opens a Core Childhood Wound?

Maybe it’s them targeting those childhood wounds? That would do it.

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Maybe it’s them targeting those childhood wounds? That would do it.


I don't think so because that would require they actually pay attention to us and who we really are. They are usually so self involved as to have no idea what we're about and are just trying to justify their own pain by offloading it onto us by blaming us for it or for not making it go away.

I've heard it said many times that "pwBPD have good instincts in picking apart whatever issues you have."

I really don't think this is the case... .at least not with my STBx. When she'd fly off the handle she'd accuse me of whatever outlandish despicable act. I'd weigh it against this idea of "is she really seeing something about me that even I don't realize is going on?"

In almost every case, I realized she was just throwing sh1t up against the wall, and I was the idiot who used to allow it to stick. Once I realized that every breath of my existence she rejected and criticized, I began to realize she wasn't engaged in an actively conscientious war but rather just spraying her hate everywhere possible and every once in a while something resounded.

J

I guess there is a batting average. They don’t always hit. But their try anything formula allows them to find a few childhood wounds.

Do you think they notice the things that resound with us?

I do think they do, but only as how they resound back to them.

For instance, with my STBx she seemed to have some kind of discomfort about wearing "sexy" form-fitting clothes. Apparently, her deceased SO was very uptight about what she wore out in public and was uncomfortable with the attention this would draw, so by the time we had hooked up she tended to defer to my comfort level with styles.

I was a lot more hands off and suggested she wear clothes that fit her properly, as opposed to dowdy, frumpy shapeless clothes. She interpreted this to mean I wanted to dress her up to be my trophy, which was pretty far from the truth. I just wanted her to be more comfortable wearing whatever she preferred to and to not let any falsely-perceived jealousies or whatever cloud the picture.

So, thinking that one of the things I loved about her most was her figure, she started off comfortable and easy going about what she wore, but then eventually she became resentful toward me whenever I bought something for her that she deemed too sexy, and we're not talking about Frederick's of Hollywood stuff here, just more fun stylings.

Was I attracted to her figure? Most certainly. Did I dress her up so as to parade her around and show her off? Absolutely not. That's not how I roll at all. Plus, I didn't dress her as much as just buy her clothes from an agreed upon designer who she enjoyed.

So, this whole issue of her physical appearance out in public seemed to her to resound with me, yet it really resounded more to her and she tried to punish me over her own discomfort with it. By accusing me of basically objectifying her based off the fact that I was attracted to her, she was attempting to attack me over something she thought resounded with me and my ego.

Of course, I was attracted to her physically, but there were also a whole host of things about her I was attracted to... .at least in the beginning. But she was definitely one to still try and lump me into her crude world view that states that all men want is just to get their rocks off, leaving me to wonder, "Am I like all other men? Is that all they do want?"

Eventually even the simplest acts of public affection or private physical intimacy became fraught with peril.

J

Mine seemed pretty in tune to any insecurity or past hurt I had and would use it against me to do as much damage as possible when dysregulating. So yes she targeted any old wound or sore spot.

@ duped: Same for me.  I got to the point where I refused to share any feelings with my Ex, because she would use them as weapons against me.

@ tiki:  Agree w/Jeffree; I doubt that they put much thought into it.  I suspect they are quite attuned to your weak spots, which often arise from childhood wounds.  Did you find that your Ex was good at zeroing in on longtime wounds?

LJ

I would agree with that general weakspot theory. And our weak-spots have developed over the course of our entire life and maybe some are biological. Many of my biggest issues found me when I was adult so I guess I don’t feel like it’s so much childhood wounds but I know many other people here think of it like that. He would use everything to hurt me. Especially around wanting to make me feel guilt which is also a weakspot in my psychology. Certainly he knew but maybe he would also do that to anyone and it was a coincidence. I was only hypothesizing as to why others feel like it brings up core childhood issues. I’m not living or dying by that philosophy. But I do think if they can zero in on what makes you you enough for you to love them then yeah they probably have some abilities here.

LJ- the longer we were together, the less I shared as I realized it was just ammo for her to use against me. What a horrible way to treat someone you supposedly “love”

the longer we were together, the less I shared as I realized it was just ammo for her to use against me. What a horrible way to treat someone you supposedly “love”

Amen to that, duped! It was even to the point that during my telling of vulnerabilities that she’d make me feel stupid for sharing them. She had zero empathy.

J

I’m a generally cautious person so inadvertently she just couldn’t get the ammo she needed. I didn’t share much with her, vague with my childhood, as she was a stranger I met online, and way too friendly too quick. She still managed to conjure up whatever bits and pieces of shrapnel she could find and tossed them at me in the end. And when she didn’t have enough weapons... .there’s always projection.

Oh yea, she told me she was an empath in our first conversation. She really believed this. Sometimes it felt she was really empathic, sometimes not so much. Who knows. Most of the beginning is now a haze.

I think that this is a good topic, and also one where we should remind ourselves that pwBPD come from all walks of life and that each one is a different individual. Let’s not forget that their emotions reside on a spectrum. Those 2 facets, in my opinion, are why the mental health world has had such a hard time trying to figure BPD out.

In my experience, my ex knew everything about me and would use those things as red-hot daggers. Maybe that was her narcissistic side and not the borderline. I wonder how that battle plays out in her head.

Jeffree > I really don't think this is the case... .at least not with my STBx. When she'd fly off the handle she'd accuse me of whatever outlandish despicable act. I'd weigh it against this idea of "is she really seeing something about me that even I don't realize is going on?"

This. Also, for quite a while I bought into things like that I 'wasn't confident', 'useless', 'selfish'. Most of these have become patently silly things to throw at me now. Think it was because I could always get validation if I said/agreed to something bad about myself and I started to internalise some of the putdowns thrown at me.

Double posted. Sorry!